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Thread: Coming Out to Long-Term Friends

  1. #51
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    E:

    I assume that you are not originally from Idaho, Kansas, Ohio or Tennessee. Correct?

    DeeAnn

  2. #52
    Platinum Member Eryn's Avatar
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    Thankfully, no. Everything is changeable for me.

    Another reason for a uniform federal law. Why should a TG person's identity be under the control of a hate state they may not have ever inhabited?

  3. #53
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    That's why I make this point whenever someone talks about using Birth Certificates as a screening tool. By the way, I'm originally from Ohio, but fortunately I have no plans to transition. Screwed if I was, though.

    Totally agree about consistency. That was one of the main points regarding Marriage Equality. People could cross a state line and have their relationships invalidated. Just shouldn't be...

    So, forge ahead!

    DeeAnn
    Last edited by flatlander_48; 05-19-2016 at 12:26 PM.

  4. #54
    I am a meat popsicle ariannavt's Avatar
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    @Eryn - are you changing documentation BEFORE talking to your employer? Am curious on your reasons for this. I am taking the opposite approach... speaking with my employer and then moving to a full-time date and updating documentation at that point.
    - Arianna

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    Arianna, I did the same and it worked out for me. I found no issues with my DL and SSN being changed. So when I came out to HR, I was able to start the background items (insurance, etc) as my name was already legally changed. All they had to hold back on was the items that would be displayed to others in the company. This avoided having to use my chosen name for things like email and such and changing it later.

  6. #56
    I am a meat popsicle ariannavt's Avatar
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    That makes sense Sue.

    For my own plan, it looks like I'm going to be out at my company sometime in the next 2-4 weeks (shooting for the week of June 6th). At that time I will inform the owner, and then send all of my employees a note explaining that I am trans (or seeing if the HR person or the owner want to send the note). At this point everyone will know that I'm pursuing transition, and that I will give everyone a heads-up prior to making the actual switch (which I expect to be in late 2016). Once I set that full-time date, I am going to start working on documentation. When the date arrives I will ask everyone to stop using my current name and start using my new name and pronouns going forward.
    - Arianna

  7. #57
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    Quote Originally Posted by ariannavt View Post
    send all of my employees a note explaining that I am trans (or seeing if the HR person or the owner want to send the note)
    However the message comes about, remember that in these times there is a lot of confusion, misinformation and outright lies about what Transgenderism actually is. I would hope that your message corrects some of those things that are just completely wrong and agenda-driven. You didn't say how many people are involved, but quite possibly you will be the first Transgender person that many have come in contact with.

    What I gather from talking to Human Resources professionals and the Diversity Officer at my former employer, folks in many organizations have had little or no contact with Transgender people. This suggests that you may need to do more "leading" than you had thought.

    Good Luck!

    DeeAnn

  8. #58
    Platinum Member Eryn's Avatar
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    It is my desire to be "legal" before making it official at work for the reasons that Sue pointed out.

    I also want to make my transition at a busy time of year when everyone will be too busy doing their jobs to pay much attention to me. I don't need any "grand pronouncements" or all-hands meetings any more than an employee who goes away as Ms. Smith and comes back as Mrs. Jones. I just want to get on with my life.

    Everyone who works closely with me now knows and have all expressed support. Of all the other employees, I know of only one who has expressed a dislike for the transgendered and I don't have to interact with her in the course of my work.

    I count myself very lucky to be a Californian, where I have strong protections written into the law for LGBT persons, including the T. That's not to say that Californians don't do stupid things (Prop 8 passed, after all) but overall I'm on the side of the angels.

  9. #59
    I am a meat popsicle ariannavt's Avatar
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    Thanks Eryn.

    My work situation is a little different. We are a small company (~50 people) and, other than the owner, everyone reports to me. So my transition is definitely going to be the subject of gossip and there is just no way I can quietly make a change. It made me decide to be sure I am the one steering the conversation and putting this out there. I'd rather meet it head-on and see where things go from there. The only reaction/person I am nervous about is the owner. He is in his 70's and, over the years, has made some fairly intolerant remarks to me about all sorts of people. I just have no idea where this is going to go, and while I definitely have legal protections on my side (Vermont) I also know that there are many ways to convince someone to quit.
    - Arianna

  10. #60
    Platinum Member Eryn's Avatar
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    A MAJOR milestone today. I went in for a chat with my boss about my transition at work. He turned out to be very supportive and we discussed some contingencies to mitigate possible bad outcomes. He promised to back me up and to make sure that I will be treated well by those around me.

    From the time he first learned my female name he used it, along with proper pronouns.

    The next step is introducing my transition to the remaining staff. I want to avoid an "all-hands pronouncement" if I can. Luckily, we are going to have an "LGBT issues" session for everyone next week and I will probably be the one to lead it. At the end I'll just say "One problem with transgender acceptance is that transgender people want to blend into society. They do such a good job that many people don't realize that they know a transgender person. That will not be a problem with us because you all know me, and I happen to be transgender." That will get it out in the open in a friendly way.

    Anyway, I'm now female everywhere. All that is left is the paperwork.




    The following is pasted from a previous post to avoid a double post:

    I recently joined Facebook, since some of my new female social groups use it to organize events. As you know, FB is very good at finding links and "suggesting" friends. I've always tried to keep boy and girl world separate, but I've had a couple of surprises. The other day, I received a friend request from a friend I meet at automotive events. She is a nice lady that I only see a couple of times a year.

    I sent her a text, saying "I'll be happy to friend you, but first you should know..." and laid it out. She responded, saying "That's nice, when can we get together?

    We met up for breakfast with her parents (surprise!) and went shopping at an outlet mall. Other than a couple of gender slips everything went perfectly!

  11. #61
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    Eryn!!! That is so great to hear and bodes well for the last few feet to the finish line at work for you!!!! All will be well!!!:.. Many Congrats!!!! !!!!!!!!
    Have you seen the little pieces of the people we have been?... Little pieces blowing gently on the wind... 11:11

  12. #62
    Platinum Member Eryn's Avatar
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    The last few days have been great. On Monday I gave a 4-minute speech to my work colleagues as a culmination of an administrator's presentation of transgender legal rights. It's pretty hard to boil a lifetime's experiences into a few key points, but it came off pretty well.

    When I finished the speech the audience began clapping and as I returned to my seat most of them rose to their feet. I was blown away! After the session a lot of people came up to congratulate me and thank me for my speech. I hugged more people that day than I ever had before. People that I didn't even know shook my hand and promised support! For the rest of the day people kept coming up to me with congratulations. To say I was walking on air is an understatement!

    Today as I checked in I noticed that my correct name was on the sign-in sheet and on my employee mailbox. I updated the business website with my correct name and a much better picture. It'll take a while to correct everything my name appears on, but to anyone looking at the company directory or website I'm my authentic self.

    There are a few hurdles remaining, but it is great knowing that so many of my colleagues support me! I'm a happy woman!

  13. #63
    GROUP 3 :-D tgirlamc's Avatar
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    That's such wonderful news Eryn!!!!... What a great recounting of the day as well!!! Your happiness is palpable!!! Congrats!!!
    Have you seen the little pieces of the people we have been?... Little pieces blowing gently on the wind... 11:11

  14. #64
    Aspiring Member grace7777's Avatar
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    Eryn,

    It is great to hear that people at your workplace are so accepting of your transition. Also, It is encouraging to me to read a story like yours, it provides me with hope for my future. I hope that you continue to be a happy woman.

    Grace

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    Those are great and scary experiences. I am glad things are going well. May they continue in that path!

  16. #66
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    Eryn, I think that you handled the situation very well, as you have in the past. Does this mean that you are at the beginning of the end or at the end of the beginning??

    Hugs, Bria

  17. #67
    Platinum Member Eryn's Avatar
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    I'm not sure. The next task is legal paperwork.

    I'm breathing much easier about my work situation, with everyone going out of their way to support me. People I only knew in passing are sending me emails to make sure everything is going well. So far none of the problems I'd dreamt up have come to pass!

  18. #68
    FAB Moderator/ Eryn's GG Mimi's Avatar
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    I'm so impressed with the way Eryn's work colleagues have handled this. What a relief for both of us!
    If you are a Genetic Female (Female at Birth) and would like to join us in the F.A.B. Forum, please follow the link.

    F.A.B. Forum Access

  19. #69
    Platinum Member Eryn's Avatar
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    I haven't posted much about work lately because I've been living it!

    One thing that I've not discussed here is my precise job description, mostly because I was afraid to make myself too easily trackable. That's not so much a danger any more so I'll fess up. I'm a high school teacher.

    A couple of good things have happened since coming out.

    Our school has had a Genders and Sexualities Alliance group for a number of years. I had distanced myself from this group previously out of fear that it would tend to out me. The present sponsor wanted some help and after I came out to the staff she asked me to be a co-sponsor. The group is student-led, so all I do is give general guidance and make sure that they don't go overboard. It's actually great fun and an eye-opener to see how young people deal with being LGBT.

    I was also asked to give a presentation for the school's anti-bullying group. This group is nearly 200 students, about 8% of the school population. I talked to them for 20 minutes about TG history, the gender spectrum, misconceptions about the transgender community, and my own story. It was a very good audience and I got a standing ovation at the end!

    It can be bit awkward at times, since I have worked at this school for over 20 years. Many of the students knew me in previous years and of course my colleagues have known me as male since day one. I also don't want to present anything that would be inflammatory on social media so I am still conservative in my dress. I typically wear T-shirts and Capris or tunics and leggings to school. On a couple of occasions I wore long skirts when I was giving presentations. No dresses yet, but that will come in due time.

    Both students and staff have been very supportive. My students call me "Mrs." or "Ms." and my colleagues use my correct name. There have been slips, but always followed by an apology and my telling them not worry about it. I've even misgendered myself a few times when answering the phone or when talking about myself in the 3rd person! It happens, no sense worrying about it!

    I did turn down a request from a student journalist to write an article about me for the school paper. I didn't think that it would be wise to publicize myself to the hundreds of students I don't interact with regularly. It might inspire mischief. I asked the budding reporter to come back to see me in the Spring semester when I have more self-confidence.

    My daily routine is somewhat changed. Suddenly it actually matters what I wear to school, rather than just throwing on jeans and the first T-shirt that falls to hand. Top, bottom, earrings, necklace, bracelet, hair clips, scrunchie and shoes now need to be coordinated so it takes a few minutes more to get out of the house in the morning. I don't normally wear a lot of makeup, but I now feel naked without something on my lips. It's ironic that something that used to feel forbidden is suddenly virtually required.

    One of the best things is that I can wear my nail polish every day. I've always hated removing a perfectly good manicure to go to school and now I don't have to! It's a trivial thing, but it means a lot to me.

    Negative events can be counted on one hand with fingers to spare and they have all been trivial, such as one nasty email that was written so badly that I felt sorry for the illiterate person who wrote it. One retired colleague apparently didn't like my transition and said to a friend "Have you heard about [my male name]? Isn't it disgusting?" My friend said "As a matter of fact I have, since we have breakfast together every Sunday!" That seems to have shut my detractor up!

    So, life remains good. Work is falling into routine and Mimi and I have an active social life. I've been very lucky, but I've also planned carefully and made good choices.

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    Good for you Eryn. I've watched you for a long time now and have observed that you do make excellent decisions. You seem to be your own woman and aren't easily dissuaded with others nonsense about what you "should" be doing. Looks like it's all paying off too! I'd wish you good luck but you don't need that. You've proven time and again that luck is found where hard work and preparation converge. I will however say congratulations and wish you continued success on the path. Lisa

  21. #71
    Senior Member Bria's Avatar
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    Eryn, it sounds like life is good in your end of the world!! It's good to hear of the level of acceptance that you have received at your school, in a couple of years there will be no students that knew male you and hopefully all of your colleagues will have forgotten /adjusted if they haven't already. Cheers!!!

    Hugs, Bria

  22. #72
    Platinum Member Eryn's Avatar
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    The holidays are upon us and my first semester of teaching as my authentic self is behind me. As far as work goes, things have been very smooth. Relations with students, parents, colleagues and administration are all going very well and things are feeling quite normal now.

    I typically wear either a T-shirt and jeans or tunic top and leggings to work as I ride a bicycle most days. I'll occasionally wear a skirt for a special occasion which means I have to drive.

    The only hiccup was when my administrator took me aside and said "I debated whether to bring this up or not, but two students requested a different teacher next semester with the same reason: 'My religion prohibits me from having a transgender teacher.'" He then said "That sort of thing isn't going to happen here and the counselors have already denied those requests."

    I am lucky, both that I live in California where trans rights are stated in law and for my administrators who don't skirt those laws!

  23. #73
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    Eryn ,
    congrats on your job and being accepted you are one of the lucky few as you know by reading the many experiences here on the board.I also commend your administrators for standing with you it makes you feel like you truly belong ,
    hugs phylis anne

  24. #74
    Silver Member Starling's Avatar
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    Hurrah for you, Erin, for your administrator, and for our great State of California!

    Lallie
    Time for a change.

  25. #75
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    Quote Originally Posted by Eryn View Post
    The only hiccup was when my administrator took me aside and said "I debated whether to bring this up or not, but two students requested a different teacher next semester with the same reason: 'My religion prohibits me from having a transgender teacher.'" He then said "That sort of thing isn't going to happen here and the counselors have already denied those requests."

    I am lucky, both that I live in California where trans rights are stated in law and for my administrators who don't skirt those laws!
    Yes......and no. Personally if you are a teacher I would have said to the administrator that I would have preferred to have been advised and given the opportunity to be involved in mediation with those students. Now next term you are going to be responsible for firstly ensuring those students are not disruptive to others in your class and secondly they are entitled to an education as well and if a personality clash between yourself and those students prevents them from receiving that education is that fair to them?

    We must be cautious that we don't fall into the same culture of entitlement that those who would discriminate against us subscribe to. Administrators and counsellors denying requests and forcing those students into your class merely feeds the disenfranchisement that has been exhibited across Western cultures in both the northern and southern hemispheres. Far better to educate those students and give them an opportunity to choose to take your class despite their unfounded fears.

    Despite my feelings above I am glad that things are going well for you.

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