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Thread: Coming Out to Long-Term Friends

  1. #76
    Platinum Member Eryn's Avatar
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    I'm now living a full-time life, so Most of my friends and colleagues are in the loop. However, there always seems to be a few more to bring in.

    I recently went to an annual automotive get-together about 300 miles from home. I am not in regular communication with the people I know there, so I decided to just show up and see what would happen. Just to raise the anxiety level, the event was not in a trans-friendly state.

    The grapevine had let some of my friends know of my transition. Others didn't, but seemed to take it in stride. My male name and pronouns were occasionally used, but I'm not overly touchy about that. Overall, it was a very fun weekend!
    ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
    Kate, I can see your point, but this situation was properly handled in the same manner as any other "teacher change" request. The school policy is that students may choose classes, but their schedules (and therefore teacher assignment) are determined to make best use of school resources. Students may request changes only due to a limited list of valid reasons such as duplicate classes. Students still try to "shop for teachers," usually saying things like "This teacher doesn't match my learning style" or somesuch. My situation has just given them another thing to try, but the result was the same. My administrator was of the mind that they simply wanted to switch to the other teacher who is perceived as being easier.

    My philosophy, and that of my administration throughout this entire process has been that my transition is a normal occurrence. In my classes I've mentioned being trans exactly once, to dispel rumors on the first day of class. I have spoken about trans issues to student groups, but only those who wanted to be constructively educated. In class I teach my subject and my gender is not a factor.

    These students have been in my class for a semester without causing disruption. I doubt that they will cause any in the spring. Male or female, I am a veteran teacher and pretty good at maintaining classroom discipline. I'm not terribly worried.
    Last edited by Eryn; 02-18-2017 at 12:56 AM.

  2. #77
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    I'm so glad that your administrator is supportive. Now maybe those kids will be obliged to open their minds and actually learn a thing or two!

  3. #78
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    That does sound very positive. I'm happy for you. I wouldn't worry too much about your male friend. It may be hard for him to accept and I'm sure he'll be a little more slow moving than his wife but twenty years is a long friendship.

  4. #79
    Platinum Member Eryn's Avatar
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    The school year is winding down and I'm amazed at how quickly it has gone by. I was very conservative in dress for the first semester, feminine, but not flashy. In the second semester I've loosened up considerably, wearing skirts and brighter colors. It is wonderful to be able to express myself as I wish at work!

    In the first semester I declined a request from the school newspaper to do an article about me, in the second semester the yearbook staff asked for an interview and I said yes, as long as I could proofread it. They asked some questions and came back with a very nice article which I approved without any changes. The yearbook is out and response has been positive from students and staff.

    I'm to the point where I don't remember when I last presented as male. That's a good feeling!

  5. #80
    Living MY Life Rachel Smith's Avatar
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    Great for you Eyrn. I have never thought about it but I can't remember the last time I pretended to be a male either. Freudian slip there
    My parents should have known something wasn't quite right when I kept putting Kens' head on Barbies' body Rachel Smith May 2017

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  6. #81
    Platinum Member Eryn's Avatar
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    I've been enjoying my summer with Mimi. We've done a couple of day trips, shared a lot of breakfasts out, and seen quite a few shows.

    I'm still running into a few surprises. I was at a retirement party for a work colleague and forgot that it might be attended by people previously retired who aren't aware of my transition. One such fellow recognized Mimi, was engaging her in conversation as I walked up. He turned to me and asked her "and who might this be?" He must have seen the puzzled look on my face because he looked more intently and blurted my male name and "is that you?" Mimi corrected my name for him and everything was cool!
    Last edited by Eryn; 07-23-2017 at 01:49 AM.

  7. #82
    Diamond Member Persephone's Avatar
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    Very interesting to see progression over 18 months. The original post is a good read.

  8. #83
    Platinum Member Eryn's Avatar
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    Another school year is under way. With a full year past since coming our, I felt no need to mention my TG status to anyone. None of my current students knew me in the "before time." Everything has been running smoothly.

    Our social life is great! Mimi and I do a lot more than we did when I was closeted! I'm even doing performances in front of audiences! Great fun!

  9. #84
    Aspiring Member grace7777's Avatar
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    Happy to hear that work is going well for you. There is nothing like being able to work as your true gender.

  10. #85
    Member Becoming Brianna's Avatar
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    I'm so happy for you Eryn! Glad you're able to live and work authentically.

  11. #86
    Woman and loving it Jennifer Marie P.'s Avatar
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    Yes isn't it great to get it out in the open.
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  12. #87
    Member Terri Andrews's Avatar
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    I appreciate the sharing of your journey . I am retired so no full time job to deal with .
    Last month I told about 30 friends and all but 4 have been great with it . I have not started going out with them yet ,hope to start that soon . The only down side has been that my Sons can not accept because of their religious beliefs ,hope time will heal these wounds.

  13. #88
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    I has been so long since Eryn first posted I decided to bring back her original post, as a refresher, before making my own comments:

    Quote Originally Posted by Eryn View Post
    Up to this point, I've chosen to not let any of my long-term friends or colleagues know about my being TG. I present as androgynous most of the time near to home and for the most part the friends have continued to perceive me as male. They certainly see changes, but I'm a bit eccentric to begin with.

    I realize that this cannot go on forever and after talking it over with Mimi we've decided to bring some of our closer friends into the know. This will allow us to better integrate them into my new life.

    Today, the opportunity presented itself to talk privately with a couple who are long term (20+year) friends. We had breakfast with them and went over to their place to socialize. I asked Mimi if she thought that this would be a good time to bring up the subject and she wasn't sure. In situations like this I always take the safe route so I decided to hold off on the decision.

    We were sitting and the conversation drifted around to our hairdresser, who happens to be the same lady for Mimi, myself, and the female half of the couple. We were each talking about our experiences with the hairdresser and our female friend said "let your hair down so I can see the highlights." I undid my ponytail and the normal compliments followed.

    She then said "I have some new Paul Mitchell hair treatment that'll cut down the frizz in your hair. Would you like to try it?" One thing led to another and she was soon working the product through my hair with her fingers. She put my hair into a braid to keep it out of the way while the treatment worked.

    At this point my phone rang with a text. It was Mimi, who was sitting right there, telling me privately "Go ahead and tell if you want."

    I figured that there was no time like the present, so I said "there is one thing that I'd like to talk to the two of you about..." and told them that I was TG, that I had known for about five years, and that I was now in the process of transition. Mimi was there to support me and everything went very well. The female half of the couple said "I don't care how you dress, I love you either way." The male half of the couple was a bit more reserved but said nothing negative.

    I showed them a couple of pictures of me out with my family, just so that they could get a mental image of how I look in my desired presentation. They thought that the pictures looked pretty good and I took that as a complement.

    The female half of the couple then talked about her experiences with the LGBT scene in the city she last lived in. She had friends in the gay community, but wasn't acquainted with anyone in the Trans community there.

    Before we left, the female half of the couple asked my shoe size. I said "11", and she said "I have a pair of shoes you might like. I'm an 11 but they are just a bit tight on me." She brought out a pair of peep-toe slingback pumps and I tried them on. They fit beautifully and she said "They're yours!"

    Analysis:

    I think it went really well. Both of my friends seemed to take it well, and probably thought of it as an explanation for the changes in my behavior and appearance over the last few years.

    The female half of the couple seemed the most accepting. I talked about the experience with Persephone and she pointed out that my friend's mention of her LGBT connections was a statement of "political" acceptance, but that her gift of shoes was a token of acceptance on a personal level. I think that things will be fine with her and that from her point of view she has acquired a new female friend.

    The male half of the couple was a bit more reserved. I think that he fears loss of his male friend and I can see his point. I'm the same person, able to be as geeky and mechanical as I previously was, but things will be different. I need to reach out to him to reassure him that the change is good and that he need not fear losing his friend. Th
    Nancy Sue's Analysis:

    Persephone is sooo prescient, she sees with such a full-on 3-D vision, that I am sometimes amazed at her. I came out to some business colleagues (now to the world, but that's beside the point here), and was accepted by most everyone (as Eryn and Persephone know). But when I read Persephone's comment, of how the lady did your hair, and that "the gift of shoes was a token of acceptance on a personal level" - I realized something of what a friend was telling me last January - well, "showing" me by her actions. Yes, she said she accepted me, and transmitted this to others in our profession in a meaningful way - and then she demonstrated her acceptance by doing my hair (I had snarls and tangles because I had not been trained to take care of long hair), and by taking me shopping all over town and helping me pick out several outfits - and then taking me shopping in her own closet and giving me several things, plus two pair of new shoes that were too tight on her, and also some of her mother's jewelry! I was overwhelmed back then, and I am even more grateful and blown away now, as i learn her actions meant more than even I could understand.

    Thank you Persephone for your insights, and thank you Eryn for sharing this with the rest of us.

  14. #89
    Brandi Brandie.n's Avatar
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    I am happy to hear that it turned out well for you.when i came out to my friends all they said was about time you admitted it.Skip ahead a few years i had to teach one of the friends how to walk in heels for her wedding day
    Last edited by Brandie.n; 10-15-2017 at 11:10 AM. Reason: spelling
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  15. #90
    When in doubt? Smile! Chrissi's Avatar
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    Eryn, I pop into this thread now and again.
    I likewise am a high school teacher and decided over the summer that I could no longer continue as Mx. I was using that last year. While a number of colleagues were in the loop and very supportive, this summer at several PD events, Ms Z was present. So now even more colleagues in the loop . (I was essentially living full time except at work, and hated, hated the duality...I called it fraud)

    After an email to my Superintendant and Principal, I started school this year as Ms. Z
    Many students seemed to be prepared, as many greeted me with correct pronouns on the first day. Of course many misgendered too, but I don’t get uptight about it...it is just force of habit for some.

    The funny thing was, and the overwhelming response from many colleagues, and especially my Superintendant (who gave me a big smile and a hug, btw), that many said things like: “we’ve been waiting for you” or “well that sure clears up a lot of confusion” or “it’s about time” lol.

    My students have been well, teenagers, lol...it doesn’t really affect them one way or another (nor should it, and that was the stated goal for me) Responce from parents has been silent, business as usual. Since my email did not change (my first initial is still the same) there have been a bunch of Mr Z or Mx Z emails...I don’t correct them, instead I make sure my signature which has my obviously feminine name is prominent. Most catch on in short order. I’m sure some brief conversations with their students too.

    But like you...I have a whole new group to come out to this coming week...ugh...I coach at a different high school, and preseason league head coaches meeting is this week! This is a gentle bunch, but you never know? Because of the nature of the sport (skiing) most are not teachers themselves, so you’re never quite sure how people will react (I’ve been coaching for 16 years) (btw, my team knows)

    Anyway, thanks for your posts and this thread! It’s great to know there are other teachers out there who have transitioned on the job in the same school!
    Hugs,
    Cristine

    Ps, pretty close to first day of school picture for me. Lol...several colleagues sent me notes about my “first day” of school too...reduced me to happy tears
    3476E0EC-9C60-4C24-B5BD-F20D86D82FE8.jpg
    Last edited by Chrissi; 10-15-2017 at 12:46 PM.
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  16. #91
    Some Where In Time MssHyde's Avatar
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    Eryn good for you, that was sweet she did your hair, i bet you felt like purring. I hope your guy friend stays open with you.
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  17. #92
    Platinum Member Eryn's Avatar
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    Crystine, good for you!

    I was at the Models Of Pride youth LGBT event at USC last weekend. I went to a presentation and who should sit down next to me but another trans teacher! She was the first trans high school teacher I've met FTF! We chatted for a while and then parted ways. I'm the only out trans teacher in my 1000-teacher district that I know of. I really hope that my success will inspire other teachers to live authentically.

  18. #93
    When in doubt? Smile! Chrissi's Avatar
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    Hi Eryn,
    I feel the same. As far as I know I’m the only trans teacher in my district, and surrounding communities (we share cross district PD on occasion). However, I personally know several other trans (ftm) teachers who I’ve met and interacted with at numerous GLSEN events over the last several years. I attended a weekend long retreat last April as me, and there were several GNC and trans teachers and educators. *

    Also there are news stories of a couple other FTM trans teachers here in Massachusetts.

    But it is important to me to be visible. Especially for gender questioning and trans identifying students. I want them to know that not only do they have an ally, but I am one of them. That if an older person can transition, then that option is theirs too. It’s important for me to be visible to parents too. It is imperative that family support, no matter the decision, significantly reduces suicide rates, substance abuse, homelessness, etc., for LGBTQIA+ youth.

    I have since met with many parents, and so far, as best as I am aware, not a single negative reaction.

    So like you, I can only hope that my being visible will remove the shackles of fear that all trans people experience in their daily lives whether out and open or still in the closet. Especially teachers. This is a generational learning curve, and acceptance then support will take time.
    If you are on FB, please feel free to seek me out.
    Cristine

    *ps this was a planned outing for me. I had discussed with a couple of close colleagues and my GT about attending the weekend as me, Cristine. I knew going as me would most likely out me to other colleagues who still had friends from old districts etc. And indeed it did.
    This was sort of the end of my planned transition year, last year.
    I’ve had several teachers privately ask me whether last year was my “prep year?”
    Last edited by Chrissi; 11-23-2017 at 12:54 PM.
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  19. #94
    Platinum Member Eryn's Avatar
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    Yes I did get the "so *that's* what you were up to!" from a few people. In retrospect, I was really leaking badly in my last year as a male.

    This year has been going totally normally. My current batch of students have never seen me as anything other than my true self, so I am treated accordingly.

  20. #95
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    That’s great Eryn! A new, nicer normal!
    Remember always that you not only have the right to be an individual, you have an obligation to be one.

    Eleanor Roosevelt

  21. #96
    When in doubt? Smile! Chrissi's Avatar
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    I don’t have that same luxury yet Eryn. Unfortunately I teach 10-12 graders in a combined middle/high school...so I won’t be there until 2024 :-/
    Smile! You'll always brighten someone's day, including your own from their return smile!

  22. #97
    Platinum Member Eryn's Avatar
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    My school just had its open house. I met with a lot of parents. There were no issues at all. I'm at a point where I'm not really conscious of being trans in everyday life. I know that there are flaws in my presentation, particularly in height and voice, but I just own it and everything seems to work out.

  23. #98
    Silver Member Devi SM's Avatar
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    I think this a very good thread thanks Eryn for open it.
    I'm glad that your friends receive the news well.
    It was just yesterday that with wife went to a surprise birthday celebration for a very close friend that 2 years ago lost her husband, a very good friend too. So now we're a closer support for her and she has open her heart as never before to us.
    So between the celebration, I was thinking on how would it be to out to that group of people. Unfortunately, they all belong to Christian very radical denomination that I left several years ago but the friendship continues.
    I'm pretty sure that several of them would close their doors and that's the biggest fear my wife has of I transition to fully live as s woman.
    I read in others experiences that get new friends but either way would be sad...
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