When I finally acknowledged my feminine side was more than just me not being a manly man, there was a crack, and I felt years of of the emotional midden heap I've been dragging around start to open up and fall away.
At first, this was entirely euphoric, and I went full into trying to develop that side of me. But then I began to question who I really am. What parts of male me were cover, and what parts of female me were overcompensation.
At the same time, I discovered opening and facing that recently cracked nut of years of repressed emotional abuse (along with one horrific act of another kind of abuse) was affecting more than I realized.
I am starting down the road to therapy. And I am focussing other energies on getting my life back together. I'm not giving up cd altogether, but I will be putting it on a back burner for a little while. Also, many of you have recommended underdressing to help in the interim. I appreciate the advice, but after a little soul searching, have come to the conclusion that it is not for me.
I am going to go sub femme for a while, style my hair femme, gradually wear more makeup and femme out my jewelry. For me this will help me feel more myself. I'm not a girl, but I'm not a boy either. I'm a me. And it's time I started acting like it.
Unfortunately, I'm not sure how much of a fit I'll be here, as I have not noticed many people that are in that category, and many of your struggles will not be ones I have to deal with. I will still be in from time to time to read your stories and admire your strength, and be reminded that some boys really can be beautiful girls. Maybe once I'm on my feet I'll finish my journey to full dress, and I'll be back here full force. In the meantime know that if I'm not posting, that it's because I don't feel relevant, but you all will always have my respect and support.
*hugs*~Kat
