The fate of loneliness

[Anner]

I ve been doing this for 57 years.

Knowing now, I am not what I entered this world as. Knowing its to late to fix it. Forever hidden doing my thing, crying when wearing that ugly costume my beloved expects, demand me to. Well not at all crying men dont cry!

Can never do any makeup, nails whatever. Should like to know how to properly shave off them ugly hairs, do the petite makeup required to blend the br forms with my skintone. Nope, have a dog to walk, have a 90 year old mum that drops in anytime, dad is sins long passed.

Regarding friends, none. Back in 1979 I decided no wife, 1995 I said no to unexpected visitors, 2011 my only true friend succumbed to brain cancer. Never been in work, mostly bcause of my thing, also I am suffering from a bad brain dysfunction, rendering me partly in crutches (not at the moment luckily)

So there is only loneliness. I am the only one. Left alone. Missing kids and a life Only happy in company of elves, hobbits and dwarfes, my world also, in the mountains I can wear the wrong clothes in peace...

Is the price to pay for living out your real self (kind of) to high?

Sad tale, any moments of joy I long for and are heartly received

[OCCarly]

I am sorry for your loneliness, but there are kind and tolerant people out there. It just takes a lot of work (and some inevitable disappointments along the way) to find them.

I have a wife who is open minded and tolerant. Of her three siblings, one is gay, one is transgender, only one is a straight male.

We have friends who are gay, we have friends who are transgender, and we invite them to our parties and gatherings. The only thing not welcome at our parties or in our house is intolerance or bigotry.

[Charlyne]

I don't believe it is ever too late. My idea is to open up to your 90 year old Mum; that drops in any time.

[lostinmyworldcd]

you probably won't like what I'm about to say ..... but ..... Your life is what you make of it ..... Period .... It is ur choice to be lonely. I've always been a loner at times myself. Those were the times I dressed and pranced around the house. It wasn't a side that I could share with anyone. I chose that route. Since joining here , I have opened up .... It has been refreshing to read what others post. Their feelings , reasons, and questions have really made me feel like I was a part of something. In the end , it is all on you to put a smile on your face, realize that there is a world out there, with people just like you .... I lost 4 of my best friends in a span of 5 years, I've had to bury a child..... Depression almost won ..... I chose to smile , laugh , and live

[JosieH]

A favourite quote:

"It is never too late to be what you might have been."
😊💛

[Teresa]

Anner,
How old are your children, if they are adults would they be that difficult about your CDing ? You say you've lost everything but you could win them back by being open and honest with them, surely that would be some comfort to you !
The grass is always greener and I'm sure many members would love the chance to live in the mountains and dress as they choose !

I'm sorry that you have those medical problems I hope you get support from at least one good friend ! You shouldn't have to pay that much of a price in life and still be so unhappy !

[Barbara Jo]

you probably won't like what I'm about to say ..... but ..... Your life is what you make of it ..... Period ....................

This may true but only up to a point at times.
It's easy to say for someone to say if things in one's life more or less worked out (with a bit of luck) as the like and worked for

However for some, no matter how hard the try and, due to life events, life keeps beating them down in different ways.

So, as the saying goes, "don't criticize someone until you walk a mile in their shoes" .

[LeslieSD]

However for some, no matter how hard the try and, due to life events, life keeps beating them down in different ways.

Most people do not get what they want. Because if they got what they wanted yesterday, they would want more tomorrow. So happiness is not from what you get, but what you make of it.

I once read that every morning when you woke up, you are already luckier than 200,000 people who did not get to see this light of the day (assuming 7 billion people and life span of 30,000 days).

[Janine cd]

Anner, It's never too late to grasp the desire to live the life you have always craved. I'm 76 years old and I have finally decided to live out my dream to present myself as a woman in any way that is possible, even if it means embarrassing those I love. Go for it, sister!

[LelaK]

If life is virtual reality, then almost anything may be possible. So far, I don't see proof that it's not virtual reality.

[Barbara Jo]

Most people do not get what they want. Because if they got what they wanted yesterday, they would want more tomorrow. So happiness is not from what you get, but what you make of it.

I once read that every morning when you woke up, you are already luckier than 200,000 people who did not get to see this light of the day (assuming 7 billion people and life span of 30,000 days).

Agreed, see my sig,

[Robin414]

Good point Lela, there are (PhD level) schools of thought that say we just might be...ouch, just...did...triple integral calculus...in my head...brain freeze 😴

To to point though, you always have US Anner and have you thought about joining a local LGBT group?

[Anner]

😴

To to point though, you always have US Anner and have you thought about joining a local LGBT group?

As you might not know, Im PhD in Biology (botany). Meaning my brain isnt that screwed, its just not well enough for having a career as professor in Bioology, as mum wanted back in the 80ies.
Im so glad I found this forum, I always suspected I wasnt alone, now I know

You dont come out where I live. Not at all. You don not want to be different. You dont want want to add any more miserer to alreadt a miserable life. Anyone doing that found themselves a rope and tree, or when friends find them in time, a shrink. Guess you people living in a big city will for certain come out "easy", living in countryside as me this means moving away, leaving everything behind, tabula rasa.

I am happy, happy indeed. I have separated myself from life, doing my thing in peace at home and when walking ten hour trips in steep mountains.

Its the life as is that is difficult. Of course mum knows everything, she has seen me in a nice pencil skirt and white blouse. No heels, just flats, thats due to the brain dysfunction/cant walk decent. The problem lies outside the apartment. I dont attend any festivities such as burrials, weddings etc, I have a proper man suit, but its a cheap 1980ies not comfortable. To attend in plain clothes, no suit is not accepted (and certainly not anything in feminine colours like yellow, red or worst of all pink)

To wear wrong type of underwear, like a bra with forms. Well I do that often when shopping. You know, men are not accepted wearing slim clothes, men must wear loose jeans and large T shirts and a big fluffy jacket. No problem hiding a D-cup under all that textile :-)

Kids? Oh I miss them! Alas, as I said, that bad decision no wife, have left me alone. Ther is no kid to visit me. Just mum

So its a life on a thin line, Your words are the best I have got in years, thank you!

[Beverley Sims]

You need not let depression and loneliness get to you, get out there look at the activity in the malls this time of year and think about a new years revolution.

Make a couple of resolutions as well.

[Tracii G]

Here we go again with the I can't go out in public because where of where I live (small country town,rural area,conservative town etc.)
Sure you can you need to get over worrying what people think. People aren't out there to lynch a transvestite if they see one.
I have even been in what you would call the most rural part of Kentucky crossdressed we are talking hillbilly( I hate that word) if it helps you to understand how country this area is and people were the friendly towards me as they are in any big city.
From what I can tell from your posts you are living in the past and when people shut themselves away from the world thats what happens generally.
Your outlook is so defeatist I want to cry.
You can be yourself most anywhere you just don't know it or are too unwilling to try because of your own fears.

[Barbara Jo]

She will correct me of couse it I'm wrong ....

I sense that Anner is not really depressed but sufferers from loneliness.

I many respects, I understand what she is going through. Being 68 yrs old myself and retired.....
I have no family in the arena and friends have either died or moved away. I should add that I'm a bit of an extrovert.
As you get older, it gets harder and harder to develop new friends, particularly in this day and age where people tend to be a bit anti social and keep to themselves.
Of course, this partially depends on the area you live in . A big city might have more opportunity to make friends but, a small city will have fewer friend making opportunities.

Finally, I have to question those who tell other to go out in public in dress and not care what others think .
Not everyone wants to be known as a "pervert transvestite" which is exactly what they would be known as in a small CD unfriendly town where they live.
Of course, moving to a big city can solve this problem but, moving is not always an option, particularity as you get older and alone.

[Stephanie47]

I have to agree with Barbara Jo. I'm the same age as her. My brother and sister live on the other side of the country from me. Yes, i have a son and daughter and a granddaughter. My wife's extended family seems to be aloof of my wife and I and out kids because my wife was adopted. I'm retired so I have to fill my day with new friends and acquaintances. Due to military service in Nam there are things I do and things I avoid. I guess I do not need to acquire anymore friends and then lose them. Yes, I check the obituaries and I see all those obituaries for people younger than my 68 years. So, as life marches on the circle gets a little smaller. Of course, how many people seek out friendships with seniors. I don't mean taking pity on an elder who cannot put up his Christmas lights once a year or takes down the trash can because he cannot do it anymore. How many ask the senior next door to dinner? Yes, sometimes loneliness is self inflicted.

I believe Anner and maybe I to some extend find comfort is doing something that feels good. However, the deeper that hole becomes, perhaps, it becomes more difficult to get out of the hole. I've seen on this forum posts by "kids" who are probably just as isolated as Anner. Since Anner's mother has seen her I suggest asking mother if it really would upset her to see her son as her daughter. If not, then do the makeup and nails in the home. As to outside it is not necessary, if you're a crossdresser and not transitioning from male to female, then try to blend in with the regular folks. I find I have adequate time to indulge Stephanie and am happy living also as her male brother. I suspect, if I did not have a wife and kids, and, did not go to my Vietnam War support group, I'd be holed up too at home.

[debstar]

Hi Anner,

I can attest that you will meet many good people on this site.

First things first, lets clear away the "rope and tree" I know you are talking about some vague other but please lets put that idea to one side NOW.

A shrink / therapist / councilor is a fantastic idea mine has helped me a lot coming to terms with who I am and what I want. The first revelation from those sessions was that I am worth something irrespective of how I felt about my self. So I would say that is the first thing to work on.

The small town debate is a bit of a hobbyhorse on this site so do not be surprised at some of the eyebrow raising comments. The facts are in small towns you are more likely to know a higher percentage of the population. So yes it is easier being invisible (from the people you care about) in a big city.

Anyhow seems like you have a lot going on, perhaps you have been bottling all this up and now have a thousand and one things to get off your chest. that's cool I get it.

The self isolation is something I can understand, wanting to be me but not wanting other people to know who I am does tend to cause you to avoid going out with people.

I am sure you will find like minded people here, keep at it, you are not alone.

Debs.

[Anner]

Its all about disguise, wearing a uniform. In my case black skinny jeans and black tshirts always with print.

Thats how the world knows me. A kind of filthy 60 years grayhaired, longhaired man with clothes usually clean.

Thats even very unusual around here, usually them 60+ wear shirts, the farmers style, and they are seldom nice and clean, and all wears looosee fit blue jeans (not! Black)

So everyone knows me, bcause Im not dressed as Im supposed to. I am in short dressed like them 50+ rock stars like E. clapton, T Petty. Maybe Bruce. Not popular around here the music they play.

To come out open wearing complete different outfit, would instantly make everyone look. Not so much at my long black riding boots, or my black treggings. Not even at my Pink Guava Arcteryx Thorium jacket. Maybe not even at dark chestnut messy curls (if I can get that wig fixed pfect)

Maybe not even the face. Clean shaven and some touch of makeup / or just som foundation makeup - people dont stare in your eyes, they would just see a nice smart clothed old lady with some skin complexion

The hole I sit deep in is due to the walking issue. I walk like a drunk. Due to my brain disease. This makes people approach me "do you need any asssitance sir?"

This is troublesome if I wore fake boobs, when people get to close, things that would be discrete would be exposed in full glory

But then, people may not react at all, most people are NOT intelligent, they are just kind and helpfull and warm and polite, they want by all their heart give that poor retarded soul (me...) a helping hand a shoulder to cry on.

So in that perspective, maybe a pink lady outfit, scarface and cute hair would be better for me than just countinue as in a faded rock star outfit. Hmmm...

[Valery L]

Can I be your friend Anner?, I do not care about the age difference neither other things, but if I can be useful in something as simple as listening, talking and sharing thoughts and feelings I would do it.