The woman I've become

[njcddresser]

This is going to be a rather long winded post, so I appreciate you time in reading the entire post and providing me your feedback.

I’ve known from a very early age that I liked feminine things and for most of my life, I was able to suppress my feminine desires. I would sneak and wear a pair of panties when I could. Mostly when I was home alone or traveling for business.

This changed a little over two years ago when I came out to myself and my wife that I was a crossdresser. I used Halloween as an opportunity. Afterwards, I told my wife how much I enjoyed it and that I wanted to do more of it.

She asked lots of questions and was generally ok with it. I’ve learned to respect the boundaries that she’s given me which work for both of us.

At that time, I thought I was a guy who liked wearing woman’s clothing. Since then, I’ve discovered it is much more than that for me.

I now accept that a big part of me is feminine and I like who I have become. I find that with each passing day, I continue to push more and more to my feminine me. This includes physical things, like keeping my eyebrows shaped, my nails done and wearing feminine underwear every day. Of late, I’ve added a little make up each day. Mostly eye shadow and mascara and some days some lipstick. I have smallish breasts which fill an A cup nicely and wear bras out of the house on occasion.

My emotions and my heart are all feminine which I accept and embrace.

I ask myself all the time, Do I want to be a woman. In my heart, I know the answer is yes, but at this stage in my life I know that this isn’t possible.

So this becomes my struggle. I now feel like a woman in my heart but am unable to fully live as I want to live. I’m sure that many of you have faced similar struggles and I’d love to hear how you handled this and any advice that you may have.

[Krisi]

We all start somewhere and we all end somewhere. Most of us end up satisfied with crossdressing from time to time, some go further and live their lives as women (with surgery or not) or attempt to straddle the line as a "feminine" man.

Not knowing your age or career situation, it's hard to give advice but what you do and where you head with this should be your decision, not something decided by strangers on the Internet.

Regardless, my advice to you is to think about what you have in your current life (wife, family, career, etc.) and think about what may happen to it if you continue on your course. Think about where your course will take you and try to decide if that's really where you want to go. What does your wife think about this? Will she stay married to you if you become a woman? What happens with your career? Your parents and siblings? It's different for everyone but it's probably the most serious decision you will ever make in your life.

This journey is not like an auto trip from NJ to FL where you can stop and turn around. You can't really decide to become a woman and then change back to a man.

[Melissa in SE Tn]

Jackie, I've had this same conversation with two forum friends this week. Your post is " déjavu all over again ". There is no question that if we all asked this question while standing before the truth mirror, the woman inside the mirror beckons us to be the woman we are meant to be. Therein lies the internal battle that constantly rages. I don't have the luxury of dressing as much as most of you, but I do know that the gender spectrum magnet pulls me to " the femme side " with constant frequency & intensity. Jackie, the reality for those of a certain age, family situation, etc., is that transition, while always a dream , is not plausible for most of us. You have to find that harmonic balance-- good friends that understand or a gender therapist, in order to remain sane. I know what the woman within you is saying, what she wants from you & what she wants you to be. It is so much more than just wearing dresses! Please consider getting therapy should the "war drums " get louder & louder in your head. I truly truly truly hope that you can find your needed balance. The alternative is constant depression .... levels of depression that can make your life , & the lives of your loved ones, absolutely miserable.

At this point in my response, maybe the sage words of Marcelle are needed . Jackie, don't let the gender battle within consume you.

[pamela7]

There seem to be many of us feeling this or similar, I totally resonate on the conflict and desire. 2016 is going to be an interesting year, as there's never been a better time to come out and openly live as one wishes.

My advice is to live to your heart, but listen to your head in how you do it.

[Stephanie47]

From your post and looking at your bio page you're going to have a difficult choice to make. Being in your 50's does not necessarily exclude living the rest of your days as a woman. I suspect the draw will become stronger as you reach retirement age. Trying to be yourself and still be in the work force may be a challenge, but, that will cease with retirement. One of the potential issues you haven't expanded on is what does your wife think? Is she OK with your progression? That would be my main concern. I've been wearing women's garments for over fifty years. I went through the customary soul searching and questioning. My wife is not on board with cross dressing, but, I have found a balance that works well for both of us. At different times I feel womanly and other manly. I think my inner self has thought out the issues I face, and, have come to a compromise. I no longer have the angst that comes with not having time to express myself. When I first retired I was all giddy with excitement to be able to let Stephanie comes out more frequently. These feelings wax and wane. I guess what I have turned into is a blending of the inner selves. I think there is some sort of misconceptions in the world as to what traits are manly and what traits are womanly. I have found I do not have to wear a dress to express those traits society has deemed womanly.

When you say "Do I want to be a woman. In my heart, I know the answer is yes" have to defined for yourself what it is to be a woman. It's not just the clothes.

[Marcelle]

Hello Jackie,

To be honest, I agree with Krisi in that it is hard to give advice when I read posts like this because any advice I give will be from a place of personal experience and my life circumstances are not necessarily yours. I have transitioned complete in that I now live as a woman in both my personal and private life. I was fortunate in that my work place (military) provided an environment conducive to transition and my wife is supportive. This is not to say there hasn't been a price as I have had to deal with being seen by many around me as a man wearing women's clothing (they don't make the distinction of being a trans woman vice cross dresser). As much as I see acceptance/tolerance in the face of many I see outright disgust and intolerance in other faces. I have lost good friends and as much as work accepts me as a woman, I have in some regards been minimalized as a woman by a very Alpha dominated military culture. So while I am legitimately happy with my life it is not all sunshine and unicorns.

I understand your angst/confusion as I have stood where you stand now. I guess my question is and always is in these cases . . . Are you seeing a therapist who deals in gender identity issues? If not, I highly recommend you start there. I read in your post about wanting to dress more, make-up and feminine emotions/heart and I get that. However, being a woman and wanting to be like a woman are two different things. Yes, the clothing helps to align your gender to the world writ large but it is not what being a woman is about. It is about living your life every day as a woman because if you don't you will become emotionally crippled or worse. It is about everyone knowing (work, family, friends) because to be anyone else would be leading a life which is not authentic to you and again you would end up emotionally crippled or worse. You do state that you are willing to keep things as they are because you respect the boundaries set by you and your wife and that is a good thing. This leads me to believe that your dysphoria may be minor and perhaps dressing a bit more might take the edge off. Have you discussed these feelings with your wife? I get that you may not be ready to do so, but when dysphoria hits hard, it ceases to be a choice and becomes a necessity. These are all points you could explore with a trained professional which might help to bring some order to chaos and push your journey forward in a direction it needs to go (TS or not).

Look , I am not saying you are or are not TS . . . I just sense a lot of similar confusion I felt about six months ago and a therapist helped me immensely.

Cheers

Marcelle

[Sarah-RT]

I can understand this quite well, and it can be very troubling.
I always thought you would know if you were trans or not instantly, yet the last few years I'm becoming more and more disconnected with my birth gender, I'm still figuring myself out, do I want to be female ? Am I losing my mind?

I had hoped that if visiting a therapist/councillor/psychologist that they would say yes or no to if a person should transition but I discovered that you have to decide and that's where I become confused because it's now up to me to decide what I want to be..

Hang in there all the same!

Sarah

[Tracii G]

Pretty much in the same boat here and not sure whats going to happen.

[Jamiegirl1]

Jackie, I've had this same conversation with two forum friends this week. Your post is " déjavu all over again ". ...

At this point in my response, maybe the sage words of Marcelle are needed . Jackie, don't let the gender battle within consume you.

I feel the same way all the time, I need to find a balance, I get very depressed, like right now, Ihaven't been able to dress for awhile

[Jacky Aikou]

Hi Jackie,
We share the same femme name and I think the same internal conflict. The timing of your post struck me because our situations are so similar and just now I am dealing with the exact same doubts.

Lately it's really been pressing on me (maybe the impending new year has strengthened my resolve?) so I went to my first TG peer support group meeting a few weeks ago and just today contacted a therapist with gender id experience to make an appointment. My insurance thru work covers mental health visits, perhaps you have that benefit, too? I think in my case the $40 copay will be money well spent! I don't expect the therapist to instruct me on what to do, but hopefully she'll at least help me organize my thoughts and gain some clarity and "express my truth," as she phrases it. Right now I feel like "my truth" may be being drawn on toward transitioning ultimately. I think living authentically, as a woman (like Marcelle mentions) has been my innermost desire since I was a child, but one I was always too scared to consider due to the utter havoc it would wreak on my current life.
As a sister spirit, I'd really be interested in hearing how you proceed from here and sincerely wish you the best. Please stay strong and serene and keep us updated!

[GretchenJ]

Hi Jackie,

I can honestly say to you that I am in the Exact same boat as you, except I have still not and probably will not reveal to my SO and to the results of that conversation (even if the conversation comes to acceptance ) . As a matter of fact ,Marcelle had responded to a PM for advice on this exact same subject no less than one month ago (thanks again Marcelle!).

As it relates to advice, I believe that Krissi is spot on... There is nothing being wrong with be a woman in your heart and in my brain, it is for me for now, I don't know where it will be tomorrow or the day after.

Getting a therapist (not gender only, but with some exposure to transgender) has been hands down the best thing that I have even done. Just having someone to talk to, without having fear of breaking a boundary that you don't what it is - does a lot for my well being.

Good luck in finding your balance and your inner peace, as I am doing day by day currently

Gretch

[Sandie70]

Jackie, I'm much older than most on this site and I can tell you that, even at my age, I am facing what you are. Except, I don't have an SO... and that means my situation isn't as complicated. The slow drift toward my feminine side has brought me to a nexus - that point where I know I will soon have to start making some choices, and if you also have reached this point... what do you do first?

At what point do you out yourself to all your family and friends who don't know about your crossdressing? Although, for me, I do have a wide circle of friends who do know me in my "en femme" personae.

And then, this decision will lead to other decisions, and so on. And that can be madding.

So, I would say you might need what I also need at this point... to talk to a therapist. As the urge to dress more, and embrace your femininity, increases, I think this is the next logical choice.

[Angela Marie]

Everyone is different and ultimately we must all look at our lives make a decision based on our unique circumstances.

[LaurenS]

No advice here. I understand completely. Not sure how much I feel like a woman in my heart, but it's much more than a fetish.

Been using las growth serum, but haven't worn makeup publicly yet. I did buy some clear mascara, so it will probably happen sooner than later.

Oh, the answers we don't know.

[Robin414]

Me too! I agree with Pamela, 2016 is going to be an interesting year for sure and never a better time to 'come out'...that said YMMV and there's obviously no one size fits all solution. I'm kinda where you are right now myself and so far at least it's workingfor me, for how long, I honestly don't know 😯

[STACY B]

Oh,,My,,My,, What a Tangled Web We weave, With all those answers in Mind,, Now it's time to separate the Hair From the Hide,,,lol,,, Only way you can do it is Step by Step,, Inch by inch, No immediate Gratification ,,SLOW and STEADY, Patience is your friend ,, There is NO WAY to Rush this,, Biggest mistake most make, Just remember it's a Marathon not a sprint, Read Read READ all you can here and make as many friends as you can an learn to listen. Best advice you can get,, And you won't find it at the Mall,, The ANSWERS I MEAN,,,lol,,,

[Teresa]

Jackie,
I found having those feelings most of my life I needed some guidance, after all these years I finally had gender counselling. Even so you have to try and help yourself, I knew the way it started and the dreams that went with it was the key to discovering myself ,so be truthful with yourself and write your history down from the very start. The sexual side is what ties it all together with me but it's not the case with everyone. I worked out a chart going from male to female and truthfully worked through the levels, yes you have to accept certain labels and understand what they mean . I worked out that I don't wish to transition fully but part of my brain has a female trait which over the years has been in conflict with my male side, the complication is they're intertwined with my sexual needs , some label it male lesbian, for want of a better label it does fit.
I feel I finally know myself now, I know why I have the feelings everyday, the female side has the same needs as any GG but can't be satisfied to the extent it needs, that's mainly down to how well your partner accepts and understands it. You are perhaps luckier than me because you partner is more supportive.
We can't help how we feel, we certainly shouldn't feel ashamed, many of us were possibly born like it and no matter what people think or say nothing s going to change that !
My previous counsellor tried to impress on me not to fill your head with assumptions, so go and find help and ask the questions, don 't assume something that may not be true !

[Stephanie Julianna]

Been there, done that and still here. I definitely feel moire feminine than male. My job as a hospice nurde allows me to release these emotions and do something useful with them. I also love working with other women. I used the word "other" on purpose because I feel more like them than most of my male friends. Even at home my grandaughters tend to gravitate to me more than my grandsons. I try to do guy things with them but with the exception of vintage cars I find boy interests boring. The girls also love the old cars but also love movies, musicals, fashion and art. I am simply more at ease with the girls. I don't have to be all butch and stuff with them. As I get older I am more emotional as well. It's just the way I am made and I have learned to live with it.

[Rhonda Jean]

I think we tend to not appreciate the things we have and be unrealistic of the things we think we want. In my opinion, you're not in such a bad place. It's really pretty exciting to be where you are. You'll probably continue to change, and each change will be a little scary and a lot exciting! There are no rules to this. Just because you start down this path doesn't mean you have to completely transition to be happy and fulfilled. Maybe you can find ways short of transition that fulfill you. It'd be worth trying. If you're seriously considering transition, test the water before you go all in (I already know my TS friends are going to disagree with all that). Let your hair grow, get your ears pierced, wear a neutral nail polish, try acrylics, keep your toes done, get laser on your face, etc.. Some of this will elicit some comments, but it's all a far cry from the repercussions you'll get from transition. Enjoy the journey rather than focusing on the perceived pinnacle

[Alice Torn]

Teresa, You sound a lot ike me. There certainly is a sexual component with my dressing, too, and a conflict between him and her inside. Most people i know have no inkling of such a condition.

[Katey888]

Jackie,

You joined here about the same time as me and while our perspectives and needs may be quite different, I hope you will accept my congratulations on how you have made progress in your own self-acceptance and self-realisation.

I just think it's really cool when any of us makes such a lot of progress, and while you may still have more to struggle with, you know you've found a community where at least some of the folk both understand and care about how you feel.

I hope your next year is just as positive for you!

Katey x

[litangel]

njcd,

It sounds like you are evolving, I definitely evolved more and more into owning my femininity. Although I do not see myself as a pure TS, but dynamically gender fluid but right now fully embracing my feminine side, and fully open and out of the closet.
I wanted to share two perspectives. One - what is a woman? I think man and woman are in our heads. Growing up in our culture, we all have these clusters of neurons around the ideas man and woman, that include clothes, appearance, emotions, preferred activities, ways of being in the world and relating to others. The internal, feeling parts are probably more important, but the dressing parts are powerful because they involve visual images. You can accept those two groupings in your head, or you can learn to deconstruct them, and take Man and woman a part into 100 different pieces. If you do that, more possibilities appear, you take parts of female and parts of male and parts of neither. and it can work. There is a powerful place where you do not identify fully as a woman, but you are no longer restricted by the ideas of being a man. For some this place is a transition, for others, like me, we choose to live happily here. But even if it is just a transition place for you, it gives you more flexibility, and make your transition feel more authentic. If you want to play with this, do an exercise, for a week, notice everything that you do because you think men should, or don;t do because you think men can't or shouldn't. Notice physical stuff like clothes, vut also internal thinks about how you think and feel and relate to others, This can give you an authentic idea of who it is you really want to be. And what parts are out of the male box.

The other perspective I wanted to share is that there is advantage to going slow that is not just about your SO. Almost all of us that break the gender rules encounter shame as we explore, our internalized piece of the gender rules and fears of society. If you can face this shame and come out on the other side, You will be much more able to be there, and even be in compassion for others fears and judgements, I spent years looking at my own fears and judgements, and that has been a great strength for me as I openly share the beauty of my femme side with the world.

[Suzanne F]

Jackie
This is not advice. Only you can decide who you are. With my therapist I faced that question. In the end I accepted that I am a woman. No one has the right to ask another human being to deny their authentic selves. Yes our spouses can choose to exit and no one can blame them. I assured my therapist that I would be alone, unemployed and destitute if I told the truth to the world and came out as a woman. I can say that none of these things are true. Find out who you are and be fierce. You deserve the truth!
Suzanne

[sometimes_miss]

If the gender dysphoria were bad enough, you wouldn't be asking this question. You'd just know there was no other option. OTOH, if you can debate the pros and cons, chances are there is more going on in your life that needs to be addressed than your gender. The pink fog is great; but one thing it does to many of us is make it difficult to know what our future would be as a post transitioned female. Most people here enjoy dressing up pretty, in outfits that would never be worn by GG's our age or size. What we want, it not what reality presents us. As a female, you will not pass. You will not be attractive. As an older mtf ts, you will be a potential mate for virtually no one. Think it's hard to find a woman who's into a crossdresser? Wait until you try to find someone interested in a transsexual. Oh yeah, and do you aspire to be an old, homely, unattractive woman. Because if you're over 50, that's what you will most likely become post transition. We can try to fool ourselves, but we cannot fool the rest of the world. I'm betting that no one reading this resembles Andrea Petkovic or even Rupaul.
Remember, too, that about 99% of our life doesn't depend on being male or female. Day to day activity is pretty much the same for all of us, male or female. Post menopause, that's even more true. And despite Caitlyn coming out, most people still think we're weird. So keep everything in perspective. Life as a male isn't all that terrible. In fact, many women envy us. THat's all I got right now, sorry, I'm pretty tired.

[Krisi]

Buried in the middle of Marcelle's post is this:

I read in your post about wanting to dress more, make-up and feminine emotions/heart and I get that. However, being a woman and wanting to be like a woman are two different things. Yes, the clothing helps to align your gender to the world writ large but it is not what being a woman is about. It is about living your life every day as a woman because if you don't you will become emotionally crippled or worse.

This is something I see in so many posts; I want to dress like a woman, I want to wear makeup, therefore I am a woman inside.

Being a woman is not about the clothes and it's not about the makeup, heels, etc. I live in an area with a large military base. I see the military people all the time at restaurants, markets, etc. In uniform. Many are obviously female but they are not wearing miniskirts, heels or makeup. My wife seldom wears skirts or makeup, yet she is 100% female. Most women in factory or farm jobs do not wear miniskirts, heels or makeup.

You need to separate the internal feelings from the clothing and determine how you really feel.