One step forward into another roadblock.

[Danika140]

Well, I got some great news from the VA during my last mental health appointment. My therapist made a referral to a VA psychologist and based on his recommendation, the psychologist said he would sign off on me starting HRT immediately once I have a teleconference with him on 28 Jan. I'd just have to head down to Milwaukee, WI for the labs, but I'll be on hormones within a month!

Now for the not so fun part that has been causing a good deal of havoc. I got married in June to my wife with her already knowing and being more than accepting of my transition. The problem we are facing is that I've never wanted kids at all and she does. We never really talked about it before because she has PCOS and was told by her DR that it would be nearly impossible for her to have kids. Well, she knows that I am the last member of my family to carry on my family name and she really really wants a baby with me so this has been a constant issue the last few weeks. I know how much she wants a baby so I conceded and accepted it, but now she thinks I did because I feel obligated. I feel selfish for not wanting a baby and she feels selfish for making me wait even longer to start HRT. I mean, we had a 4 hour argument on New Year's Eve about this and I thought we came to a compromise, but she just told me she cancelled all of her appointments with the DR and told me to start HRT as soon as I get them. Now I feel even worse about wanting to transition, like I am going to lose no matter what I do.

How have any of you handle a situation like this?

[Rianna Humble]

I have never had to confront this kind of situation, but have you considered using a sperm bank?

[Melissa Rose]

One option is to store some viable semen in a sperm bank that can be used at a later date for insemination if her medical condition changes or for In Vitro Fertilization (IVF). Obviously, there is a lot more cost and complexity involved than doing it the old fashioned, biological way. Adoption is also a possibility. Your family name can be carried on even though it may not be by blood. Families come in all shapes and forms and not all are only bound by blood. Non-blood family can be as strongly bound as any other.

I have not been in this particular situation, but have known others where one partner wants children and the other one does not. Not always, but too often it does not go well in the long term if they proceed with having a child. Having a child totally changes and upends your life as you knew it (this I have personal experience with). Both partners have to be totally invested and ready to give a lot to make the new household and relationship thrive in a healthy environment. A lot of soul searching and talking going to be necessary to find a way through this "roadblock". It not only involves you and your wife, but potentially a child who is an innocent party. Regardless of the amount of great advice you get through this forum, it is still ultimately a decision belonging solely with the two of you. While you need to be selfish in some regards, it is not all about you. As many others have said, unfortunately transitioning often comes with a very heavy price and some pay more than others.

[MissDanielle]

This is an area where I am doing a lot of soul searching. I'm still single and I know that I want biological kids. At the same time, freezing my sperm is going to be expensive and even if I do, I don't know when I will meet the love of my life. I have my brother to carry on the family name if it comes down to that.

[Bria]

I would echo the words of Melissa Rose, investigate the sperm bank, then you always have the option. I will also echo the part about children turning your life upside down. No that that is bad, raising kids can be a tremendously positive experience, I've got five daughters, and i'm proud of every one of them, I can't imagine not having them.

That said, if you have kids, you take on the responsibility to raise them properly.

Hugs, Bria

[debstar]

Just for info because it's a random fact think i know. spern banking is good for ten years. It's not a life long sure sure thing that the little guys will be viable.

Debs.

[KatisPrettyinpink]

So I agree with Bria and Melissa you should want a child. You refer to a child as a "roadblock" correct ? Or is it the situation?
Their are a couple things I'm confused by in your post. If you conceded and accepted did you really do it out of obligation to your wife or did you do it out of love knowing this is something she may want and you love her enough (maybe you want it yourself deep down inside but maybe afraid to admit that to yourself)to give her a baby before you transition? If that's the case explain that to her. If she is feeling selfish for wanting a baby maybe you both didn't communicate wanting a baby as well as you both thought.
And lastly what do you mean you loose no matter what you do? As I see it if you don't want a child and only agreed because she wants one, you are not loosing anything she is the one loosing in a sense. She will still be at your side correct ? Or is she saying she will leave you if you don't have a baby ?
By cancelling her appointments sounds to me like shes putting your happiness above her own which is what most people do when they love each other now you must decided what you really want and not factor in what she wants. Because if you wait to transition are you going to feel guilty ? If you don't transition when the Drs give you the okay are you going to be mad at her later along the line for having to wait? These are thing you need to talk to her about and be honest even if she or you don't like the truthful answer.
When you ask yourself these answers you may not even like the answers I know I didn't. Living as a Man for a few more months was something I hated but I wanted a family with the woman that loved me unconditionally I wanted to bring a child into this world with her. I still got what I needed, being who I am and, also having a woman that loves me dearly and now a son. Having a child actually brought my wife and I closer, but you have to want a child not just being okay with the idea. you wouldn't want the child if by chance you are okay with him or her to feel that in how you act or treat them.

-Kat