I don't want to go back

[Sarah Doepner]

I dress and regardless of how long I can stay en femme, I just don't want to revert to boy mode. Once I've dressed it feels right, it feels normal and changing back to guy clothes is very difficult and occasionally emotional. I'd prefer to stay home or hide in my rooms rather than put myself in a situation where I need to change. This is getting out of hand and doesn't feel at all like the Pink Fog where I'm willing to spend my money and put myself in the public eye, I just don't want to go back to being a guy.

Part of my problem may be that I've had a cast on my foot for almost 3 months, no weight bearing at all, so it's either crutches or a knee scooter (a great invention). It's difficult to get out and a lot of hard work when I do, so I don't go out much, particularly with the weather so darn cold. So I have lots of time at home with no one dropping in and all that free time to think about or actually wear the stuff in my closet. That being said, I do go back and things are okay for a while, but it can be a struggle as I wait for my next chance to get right.

Not sure exactly where this is all leading and maybe when I'm mobile in a couple of weeks and have more choices this will be less consuming, but for right now it almost has me worried.

[MissDanielle]

I completely empathize with you 100%. I'd purge all of my guy clothes right now if I could.

[Angie G]

I've been off work 17 day and underdressed 100% of that time. Back to work Monday I'll Not be liking the jockys.
Angie

[SherylynJade]

I know exactly what you mean.

[Sharon Talley]

I'll Not be liking the jockys.
Angie

I don't wear male underwear any longer, I either usually wear my VS as both female and 'sadly' when I have to be the unflattering male version of myself. Only my close girlfriend at work knows I'm fem underneath and I like it that way. However, not many of us have understanding friends at work but those that are, at least to me, are all females (one straight and the other gay like myself).

[Robin414]

Me too, I've been in 'tween' or chic mode since Dec 21 and I'm 'back' on Jan 6...hey GD, haven't seen your furry...everything...in a while 😳

[PretzelGirl]

I would lock into the thought that your foot may be part of the puzzle. At least wait until you can be sure it isn't. Sometimes when options are limited, the favorite remaining option becomes dominant. Which means, enjoy your time for now and later you will see if you had a premonition of the future, or got it out of your system.

5 cents please. And we did that without spending money on dinner. Love you!

[Tracii G]

Now this is just my opinion so people don't get all pissed at me please.
Worrying and trying to figure out where everything is going and all the whys about how you feel its just going to drive you crazy doing so.
You need to relax and slow down and not worry so much just have fun dressing when you can.
We all know we have to go back to boy mode eventually until the next time we dress thats just life.

[carliestuart5]

I have a couple videos of myself that I carry with me when I can't dress. I steal a few quiet moments of alone time to watch them when I'm able. Not as satisfying as the real thing but it helps.

[Robin414]

OMG Sue, I totally love you like a sister but...huh? 😯

[sometimes_miss]

I would lock into the thought that your foot may be part of the puzzle.

I was the same when I had my broken ankle. I stayed dressed as a girl except when the delivery man was coming.

5 cents please.

Is that you, Lucy Van Pelt?


I also have had occasional problems giving up my female illusions. I've put off leaving the house sometimes up to a day, because I didn't want to change back to male clothes. Never long enough to have any serious consequences, but it makes me realize just how much I prefer wearing female attire.

[Sarah Doepner]

I would lock into the thought that your foot may be part of the puzzle. At least wait until you can be sure it isn't. Sometimes when options are limited, the favorite remaining option becomes dominant. Which means, enjoy your time for now and later you will see if you had a premonition of the future, or got it out of your system.

5 cents please. And we did that without spending money on dinner. Love you!

Indeed, being limited by the cast on my foot has changed my approach to nearly everything over the last 3 months. I was making great progress in a number of areas and it pretty much threw a monkey wrench into my plans. I'm not making any long term decisions until I'm getting around a little more normally and I have more options to divert my attention. That broken foot is a big part of my world now. "Can't get out, don't want to do the dishes, maybe I'll dress up and relax." However, it's given me a lot of time to think through things and feel my way along the emotional ups and downs, so I'm hoping to come out of this with a well mended calcaneus and a bit better understanding of gender.

Still the issue of not wanting to change back has been with me for quite a while, not just since I broke my heel. I have a great time and feel wonderful about it until it's time to change back. And with that comes willingness to delay doing anything else just so I can stay dressed, and that is an issue that occasionally cause concern. I put things off that would require me to leave my "safe spaces" just so I can stay in girl mode. I am attempting to get more of those limitations resolved, so it will be interesting to see what happens once I feel a bit more free, both physically in my mobility and mentally as I continue to come out to those around me. In the meantime I need to pay attention to Tracii and have fun with it when I can, being serious and worrying only complicates something that can be a basic simple pleasure.

One thing that I'm attempting to handle is the difference between goals and desires. The desires can occasionally be addressed more quickly and easily than goals can be realistically defined and achieved.

However as goals go, I may still try to get dinner from Sue, I bought the last time. ;-)

[Tracii G]

I see so many girls posting on here and other sites and worrying about what they can't control and trying to control what they should just leave alone if that makes any sense.
Thats where they let anxiety grab hold and get mired in the what ifs or the whys and what does it all mean type things and those are what bring on anxiety and depression.
Time is your ally here so use it to sort things out so you know who you are first.

[Jane G]

Can't help with this one still feel this way every time I have to undress after 50 years?

[Katey888]

Sarah - I do think you've answered this yourself, but probably just need the reassurance...

Wait until your foot is sorted and things get back to 'normal' (whatever that is for you... ) - your situation and environment is probably clouding your judgment on what should be normal for you now - of course, your feelings may not be different in a few weeks, and then you may have a different problem to consider...

Keep Calm & Carry On!

Katey x

[Marcelle]

Hi Sarah,

I think a few folks have already hit on the way forward for you . . . let yourself heal and in the meantime just enjoy being without ruminating on things. I find when injured (had my share over the years) because we are limited in doing the things we like to do it gives us time to soul search and ruminate on things. You could be going through a stretch where dressing is one thing you can do reasonably within the confines of your injury but without all the other day to day activities you normally do at your disposal, dressing can seem to be all consuming. I think you will find once you begin to heal and your life gets back to your normal routine then dressing will not seem as consuming as you now feel it is.

Cheers

Marcelle

[PretzelGirl]

OMG Sue, I totally love you like a sister but...huh? 

Robin, I will expand since I am guessing at what the "huh" is directed at. Let's say you have three major components to your life: hiking, swimming, and playing chess. You break your leg. Now you might just play a lot more chess because it is what you can do and dive your mind into while the others you might talk about, but that is it. Now we know our activities, no matter where on the spectrum we are, are not hobbies like I just mentioned. But the same thought process applies on how our brain apportions thoughts (with a nod to the strength of dysphoria being a mental bully) and that is why I used the word components. Our minds work on what is available to us. If you can't expend mental energy on one thing, something else will take its place. My transition was delayed a year because I was spending extra time with family about to move out of state and working lots of overtime (two of my three "components"). When that all stopped, it came to a head. Putting all of this is Sarah's place, she is not out doing the things she normally does, so presenting as Sarah is very available and we know once you do, you think about it more. Many of us know that this is one of the ways dysphoria works on us. So waiting until the other components of her life are back fully gives her the means to really weigh her level of dysphoria and what her true balance in life is. Right now, the scale is tipped heavily.

However as goals go, I may still try to get dinner from Sue, I bought the last time. ;-)

You are on!

And I am really not Lucy Van Pelt. 5 cents waived...

[Helen_Highwater]

It feel those that have advised letting your foot heal before getting overly worried are spot on.

Dressing 24/7 takes on a whole new vista once you're free to go out the house. When I worked from home and was able to dress for 6-8 hours a day reverting back was a real downer. When I've had the opportunity to dress all day for day after day, after a while it takes on a different hue. Shaving, makeup, all that goes into making yourself presentable to sally forth into the wide world starts to become a chore, much different from just being able to throw on bra + forms, knickers, a dress, wig and heels and just chill.

Get well and cross any bridges as and when you find them.

[donnaS]

Me either, NEVER! Wished I was Peter Pan........

[Michelle Girl]

Still the issue of not wanting to change back has been with me for quite a while, not just since I broke my heel.

Hi Sarah,

The general concensus, I think rightly, is that being confined temporarily to the home has given you much more time to focus on dressing, and not want to revert to drab. But I note that this predates your broken heel, so is perhaps a more permanent, if less intensive feeling, at other times. It is one many of us share.

After coming out to my wife in January 2014, our first few whole evenings together both as "women" were spent over a fine meal and wine in the dining room at home. Fine food is something we quite regularly do so it felt normal and allowed us to drift in and out of discussions about my CD history and give her the chance to ask lots of questions in those early days.

At one point I mentioned that I almost always felt down when I had to change back. For my wife this was one of the most unexpected things she heard from me and signalled to her the strength of emotion I attached to dressing. I was surprised that she drew so much attention to this, rather than some of the more obvious areas. I shouldn't have been. The pull is strong and the procrastination of certain tasks is directly linked to staying dressed. Certainly for me.

Hope you are feeling well and mobile again soon. But, given what we've just discussed, this could be a mixed blessing.

Love, Michelle

[Acastina]

I know the feeling exactly. I'm lucky to be retired (albeit with a part-time job that's pretty butch) and have a wife who is beyond being understanding/supportive. On bad-weather days, or those times when she's out of town being Grandma, I have the luxury of just staying in the mode at will. I'll occasionally go out shopping after it gets dark (daylight dysphoria?) during those times.

What gets interesting is wearing one look all day, then taking and washing it all off only to put together a different one for the evening. It just feels so natural to me. I know exactly that feeling of the big sigh when I have to go into boy-disguise to go out for something or other.

[Heatherose]

I can relate... It sucks when I have to leave. It's usually a Sunday which is even worse cause here comes five days of bs in guy mode. But it's also kind of refreshing to get back to guy mode. Especially because I know my wife needs me. And I do too.
...But always looking forward to our next visit

[Dana44]

I'm with the others. On Sunday night it is hard to go to bed because in the morning you will be your male self. I try to stay up LOL. But boy mode comes back. Although I have painted toenails, long fingernails. Pierced ears. Long hair. Much different boy now.

[Beverley Sims]

Sarah,
The longer you stay dressed the harder it is to change.

Unfortunately it is something we all have to face sometimes.

I have to change to go to work.

They don't need Beverley where I work.

[Sarah Doepner]

Thanks everyone. The feelings kind of peaked late last week and for the weekend I've had lots of company to distract and keep me in guy mode. That kind of reminded me of how things were before I got laid up. It has given me quite an interesting insight into my GD, both the strength and staying power it can have. There is something to be said about being able to face up to it at it's strongest and let it wash over you, seeing what is left as it leaves. I'm still working on that assessment, probably will for quite a while. I have a support group meeting this weekend that I'll attend and then counseling next week, so some of the issues will be addressed in more detail at those, particularly at the therapy session.

About 7 or 8 months ago I decided to go into therapy, partly to give myself permission to explore this aspect of my life. So it shouldn't be a surprise that I've gone deeper than ever before. It's kind of along the lines of those first years of my crossdressing, first with just a few borrowed items then building a small collection of my own things as my appreciation and confidence grew. Or the first trips out in public that became regular events and created a social environment for me to live my gender variant life. But all those things were primarily physical and social, but I didn't really delve into the emotions and underlying motivations that brought me there. This has been a pretty rich soup I've been in and the last 3 months has gotten my attention. Don't know where I'll end up, but I hope I'll draw on this experience and support I've gotten to forge ahead on as positive path as I can follow.

The thing is that even though I "don't want to go back", it seems I always do. It's hard to tell myself that I am better off, a more effective person or meet others expectations and my responsibilities presenting in one mode and not the other. Particularly when one of them makes me feel so right. There are a couple more steps in my self education and analysis that may open my options a little wider. That will tell me much more about where I am and where I'm headed, but I need to get this damn cast off my foot and rehab a little first. I'm okay with that and know that I'm going to have a lot to distract me as I try to get caught up on housework and other things I've had to let slide for 3 months.