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Thread: My story

  1. #1
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    My story

    I will appoligise if this is a rambelling post in advance

    I am 37 and have had CD dentanceys most of my life. I cant pin point excactly when it started all i know it was when i was young. Indulging in secret and eventually supresing it when dating started. At the moment i am getting back into it more and more. I also have a GG partner who atm knows i wear panties, heels and high rise jeans and get pedis with colour now and then. She says she is ok with it but i am not so sure.

    I semi came out to her when i couldnt face hiding aspects about my nature (BDSM fetishes and such). During some light play i confessed to the fact i liked heels and panties, this sparked the usual are you a transvestite and are you gay questions. My reply was no to these but as i have had more freedom the CD desires are becoming more and more.

    Now this is where the problems start ( not quite true). My SO is a very unwell girl. She has condition causing lots of pain, this has also had detremental effects to her mental state which are pretty extreme. So for now talking about this is proper out of the question.
    this is frustrating but has to be done. I to are going through some mental turmoil with this and trying to accept myself. I mean all my life i have thought about how females feel and sex changes. But when i CD i dont try to pass, i am just a guy in female clothing. I have also been out in public in heels and once in a skirt hose blouse and heels. The feeling was thrilling to say the least. I also have no probles going into shops to buy stuff. Once i was shopping for heels and asked a SA to try a pair on and was laughed at! To which i asked to speak to the store manager and complained about it and got the heels for free. Alot has to be said about confidence. Anyway back on track. The issues i am facing atm are i am unsure where i sit in the community. Am i trans fluid,transgendered or just a cross dresser i just dont know! I have an appointment with a counceller to try to figure this out. Am i doing the right thing?
    Sorry again for the long post

  2. #2
    Member EllieMayxxx's Avatar
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    Don't be sorry about the long post. I am sorry to hear about your SO's condition, i think going to a counsellor is a good idea because they can help you find out the best way to deal with your situation.
    Ellie May 😘

  3. #3
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    Thanks for the reply charlotte
    Just generally confused at the moment

  4. #4
    Martini Girl Katey888's Avatar
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    Welcome Steve...

    To answer your last question first: counselling? Yes - probably a good move. There may be other things going on that a counsellor will help you get out in the open and should do so more fully and competently than any internet forum (Yes -I know we're good and fabulous with it, but face-to-face with a pro has to be better... )

    Aspects of your story sound very similar to mine...
    I'm not out to my wife who has a chronic, disabling neurological condition - I'm not about to drop this bomb on her any time soon...
    I've been out, try my best to 'femulate' to satisfy my desires and need to express a femme part of me; have probably fantasized about how females feel but know also that I have no desire to even consider transition - I only need to dress 2-4% of the time to satisfy my need, hence why I can also be secretive...
    I do share a little of my femme side with my wife - occasionally I'll do my nails, but that's about it - I know she doesn't think I'm gay, but she definitely thinks I'm a little eccentric...
    Aspects of me have touched on the BDSM world - but that definitely was not in my wife's sphere nor ever will be.

    You obviously have shared a fair bit with your SO already - given her condition, I'd suggest counselling is a good idea to help you with any issue you may feel you need help with, and see what comes out of that, but leave your SO out of the equation for now.

    Beyond that, all I can say is that self-acceptance has been a critical element for me in becoming more balanced and in harmony with me and my world - I suspect it is for all of us - if you can feel positive and good about yourself then that's a solid foundation for everything else, and this place may be able to help you with that... Just keep in mind not everyone here will be fully supportive of your chosen path or lifestyle, so just stick with where you can get positive vibes that suit you and your circumstances. You're the one that has to live your life, not anyone else, so just try to take your self-discovery slowly and make up your own mind about what you think you need to do...

    So yes - you're doing the right thing!

    Katey x
    "Put some lipstick on - Perfume your neck and slip your high heels on
    Rinse and curl your hair - Loosen your hips, and get a dress to wear"
    Stefani Germanotta

  5. #5
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    Thanks for the welcome Katey888
    WOW what a reply, it is very comferting to know there are others in very similar situations. As my SO is mentally rock bottom at the moment (suicidal) i cannot and will not reviel this side of me. I do not want to be the cause of anything dangerous. I can cope and deal with this on my own, or with help from others. I love her to much to cause any more mental stress. This is my issue not hers!

    On a brighter note i did go and buy some nice new sparkely strappy red high heel sandles and got a pedi today. Itch scrached for today lol

  6. #6
    Silver Member Tina_gm's Avatar
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    Steve, you have already revealed more or less what you do. Your wife and yourself have had the conversations about it. To the extent to which you feel it, or do it, ok, maybe not all of it in that sense, but you really are not keeping her completely in the dark here. ATM, with her dealing with stuff, no, probably not a great idea to bring in more than what she is dealing with, knows about etc etc. Depending on how she reacted to what you told her anyway.

    Many of us CDers have contemplated where we are at on the TG spectrum. In the midst of some pink fog, or a dressing session, to imagine what it might be like to be this way full time.... A counselor may be of some help in this, but ultimately it is up to you to come to your own conclusions. A counselor can only help you get there. They can possibly detect that you may be in denial. They may be able to help you with the confusion, and assure you that because you feel certain things while dressed or because you desire to dress is not in of itself equal to being TS (if that is the case) for many in the TG spectrum, that is the case. Many of us are somewhere either both, or in between the dichotomy of male OR female.
    Chickens should be allowed to cross the road without having their motives questioned

  7. #7
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    If you are worried you are TS... probably not. Only your own doctors/therapists can tell you one way or another, and even then there is not concrete test for transsexualism like a blood test or something ... but based on decades of experience in the trans community, you don't seem to be a TS from what you describe, and that is a good thing.

  8. #8
    Senior Member Nikkilovesdresses's Avatar
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    Steve, I don't think you need to worry or overthink your situation, you seem to be coping with it pretty well. Love the anecdote about the free shoes!

    Of course you are right to be very cautious and sensitive about the subject with your partner - we all do - but I think you can just keep on doing what you're doing, at least until the urge to let your femme side further out of the closet becomes irresistible. I hope the counselling is productive- perhaps you've read enough on this forum to know that counsellors come in many flavours, from useless through to a life-saver. Feel your way, see how the first session goes, and be prepared to find another counsellor if you feel they're not 'getting' you- my own experiences with counselling have been very positive, but I've read some appalling stories here.

    Good luck to you and keep in touch.

    Nikki
    I used to have a short attention spa

  9. #9
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    Brilliant replays thanks
    It is good to get this off my chest if you will pardon the pun. My appointment is in 10 days time. Fingers and legs crossed it goes well. Still kind of nervous about it as i am the shy type and dont let my barriers down to often.

  10. #10
    Junior Member laurenp245's Avatar
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    Steve, first off I am sorry to hear about your SO's condition, I truly hope things improve for her and wish her a speedy recovery! Secondly, you are most certainly on the right track! Seeking help from a counselor is the right move for you currently. You have an absolutely full plate of things to talk through currently, and the advice you can gather from someone professionally will help you immensely. Keep us updated as things progress, and I wish you and your SO all the best!

    <3 Lauren

  11. #11
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    Thanks Lauren
    I am really suprised at how supportive and informative this forum is. Glad i found it

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