Out to My Wife

[Arika]

So I came out to my wife about my desire to underdress about two weeks before Christmas. She and I have known each other for 20 years, dated off and on for most of that and been married for 8.

The catalyst for me coming out has probably been the stress surrounding my very demanding job and the birth of our first child. Unfortunately, my coming has created more stress for my wife which has made me feel a bit guilty. But we have both been open and honest with each other and that has been positive.

Her reaction has been mixed. After reading so many posts it seems cliche, but the first question seems to always be "are you gay?" I assured her I wasn't and we seem to be moving forward. But she is having a bit of a difficult (mixed) time with it.

It hasn't been easy for me either. This has been a part of my life that I actively suppressed over may years. When times were great, it seemed easier, during tough times it was more difficult.

At times she seems ok, she is quite progressive, but I think it hit a little too close to home. She definitely doesn't feel comfortable seeing me in any ladies clothing right now, but has commented about cleaning out her closet and letting me choose between some of the stuff she no longer wants, but she would put it in a spare room and let me pick through it out of her view.

We will move forward slowly and I am optimistic she will soften her stance in time.

Any advice from anyone else on the next steps we should take?

[trishacd]

I think thats a good start.keep it at that for a long time.let her bring up dressing and go from there

[Sandra]

So she's known about 4 weeks roughly about your desire to undress, obviously you have known for a lot longer. Did you expect her to be over the moon at this news? She's had no time at all to digest all of this and even though she is letting you choose some of her stuff she no longer wants, doesn't mean she is all accepting.

Coming from a wife I suggest that you talk to her and don't rush anything, because if you do things may change and not for the good.

[Trishpdxcd2]

Thats a good start. There have been many posts here on coming out. I came out about 8 months ago to by gorgeous wife. She has been supportive but also has her issues with it. We were actually talking a lot about it when I first cam out and she was so supportive that we shopped once together and she helped me pick out some things. She has also seen me in pictures. But it still has its ups and downs. You have to be very conscious that your wife still needs the masculine you. After the shopping experience my wife really pulled back and didn't want to hear about my dressing. She told me at one point after I shaved my legs for the first time, that she loved me but just didn't want to have sex anymore. Fortunately I wasn't too reactive as I can understand how hard it can be for a woman to process this. Thankfully we got past that and are still having sex. All in all I am happy it finally came out and in some ways it brought us closer. I hope it evolves and brings us even closer but just remember to be aware that your wife doesn't want to lose the man she married so while you can share your femme side in small doses, make sure she knows she isn't losing that man, just gaining another side.

[JamieG]

The holidays are a stressful time for a lot of people, so it probably wasn't the best time to come out to her. Of course, there's nothing you can do about that now, so no point in losing sleep over it. You mention the birth of child as a catalyst, how old is your child now? If you have an infant at home, and you are often away at work for long hours, think about how tough her days with your child must be. She may see your crossdressing as an additional burden. My advice is to move very slowly at this point and let her set the pace. If she offers to give you items from her closet again, accept, but make sure that she really is okay with it; carefully watch for nonverbal cues. Try not to bring up the topic of dressing, but if you go many weeks without having any frank conversation, find a good time to discuss and see if you can find a compromise that works for both of you.

[Jenniferathome]

My advice is conversation BUT not forcing that conversation on her. Simply let her know you are open to any question should she want to discuss it. She may have many fears she can't articulate quite well just yet. "Honey, any time you want to discuss my revelation the ot her day, I'm happy to do so. I'll answer any question with complete honesty."

[DanielleLee]

That ^^^^

[heatherdress]

If underdressing is the extent of your crossdressing desires, you should be able to work out some sort of agreement. But if you believe it is more than the first step, your challenge will obviously be much greater.

What seems to be something you need to address is your stress at work and stress related to your first child. You should try and do something about both concerns.

Work - Maybe you need a change, a new boss, a transfer, or some stress relievers.

Baby - Get some help if you find being a dad is stressful for you. Parenting classes might offer confidence. Being a parent has the opportunity to be one of the greatest experiences you can have in life. Try to enjoy it and be the best dad you can be.

If you can reduce those stressors, the importance of underdressing might change or might be less stressful to your wife. If you are stressed by your job and parenthood, she is stressed.

Good luck.

[Candice June Lee]

Your wife's feelings and thoughts have to be considered first and foremost. Yes maybe you need to get out of the closet, been there done that. And as many have addressed, go slow and don't rush. This can cause irreparable damage. Be sure to discuss you feature and needs and still keep the focus of your wife and her needs also. With that you can progress together. Without that it's a lost cause it seems. I know due to being in a similar busy as yourself.

[laurenp245]

Arika, It seems as though your wife may be in the process of understanding and accepting the whole of it. You did the absolute right thing in opening up to her and telling her that you have a desire to underdress, now it's just a period of processing for her to understand that the person she's known for 20+ years has this whole new dimension to their personality. Give her time and let her come to you with questions/concerns, she will certainly have more as time goes on. On a positive note, the fact that she was willing to share some clothes with you I would see as a great sign that she's at least partially accepting already. All the best!

<3 Lauren

[Stephanie47]

Arika's wife's response is totally different than Judy's wife on a different thread. This must be "bear our soul" week. Be open to communication. Answer all her questions. Don't push boundaries which probably right now are not clearly stated. All you mentioned was 'underdressing. To me that infers panties and hosiery and maybe a cami. If you have not raised the issue of wearing a bra..don't. From experience that takes wearing women's undergarments from a fetish to something incomprehensible to many women. Be honest. If you really do not know why you like to wear women's clothing, tell her. Don't try to give her lame reasons. Why is different than saying for an unknown women's clothing is a stress reliever. Telling a woman wearing women's clothing makes you understand women better will definitely blow up in your face. "Hey, hubby, have to tried childbirth lately?"