I went shopping the other day. This was the first time I have ever been in general public dressed en femme. I have been out to a dark club a couple times, but I didn't have to "try" to pass then. This time was a lot different.So I put together an outift and off I went.
First I had to get to my car without being spotted by the neighbors. This is becoming a less of a worry because I'm starting to really not care. The first few times I have left my house, I was DEATHLY afraid it seemed. Now, not as much, but still I don't necessarily want to be seen at this point.
I make it to my car and I start to drive, it really starts to sink in. I feel almost immediately this rush from an accumulation all the preparation in getting ready, doing my nails, shaving, moisturizing, makeup, getting dressed, and a touch of perfume. Looking in the rear view mirror I see these women's eyes. I'm feeling the most confident I have ever felt in my life to present myself in such a way. Ever since I was a child I have wanted to accentuate myself as a female but social constraints have always kept that from happening. In the first few days of leading up to finally doing this, I started to fee like this was about something way much more then a shopping trip. But while driving in my car, I knew it was. There has been these echoing questions in my mind, one of which was, "Am I transgender?" To best explain it, its as if they started out subtle and soft, eventually growing louder until that moment when I looked in the mirror, I was staring at the answer. But then I was like "wait, I still have to go shopping."
My first stop, Burlington Coat Factory. LOL. It took me a few minutes to get out of the car, which felt a lot like getting ready to jump off the bungee platform or out of a perfectly good airplane. But, i was going to do this. I gathered up the determination and opened the door. I had been practicing my walking and mannerisms so I was very conscious of my gate and the way I held my hands. I become aware that people are dressed for a bit cooler weather then I am, but not a big deal. I can't continue to let every little thing keep from me doing this. So I walk through the doors and I'm immediately greeted by a cashier. After saying hello, I walk to the section with the discount size 11 shoesSo far nobody has freaked out. I heard no comments or giggles. I didn't expect them but what I was listening for was silence. I just wanted them to continue to have their conversations and go about their business like they normally would. They did. At this point I am really starting to feel more at ease. So I start looking at clothes and realized the prices were way too high for what it was.
Next stop Ross. A lot more people, families and couples here. Still nobody made me feel uncomfortable. However I was riding on an incredible amount of adrenaline. Again, I didn't really see anything I wanted to even try on, much less purchase, so I ventured off to Target. I wanted to get some spanx for my dresstech hip pads that just arrived, but Target was out. I didn't want to go home empty handed, even though I had cleared a big hurdle even going out, so I stopped by a thrift store and ended up buying a couple of cute tops that I think would look good with some capris I have. I think its more of a warmer weather look, but I do live in Florida.
So this has been a pretty intense week. I have been en femme 24/7 for over a week now, and I am dreading work on Monday. I hope they cant tell I shaped my eyebrows.My nails have gotten sooo long and absolutely hate the fact I have to cut them.
I definitely have some things to think about going forward. I know the answers to a lot of questions but what I intend to do about them is another thing. Right now one of those questions is, "what is it going to take for me to be happy?" I have a lot to lose. I am single, but publicly exploring who I am inside could jeopardize my career, my health, and a lot other things. Being outed doesn't scare me as much as it does the financial fall out. Buying nice feminine things is kind of hard when your broke.
I don't want to leave this on a sour note, in fact the last week has been absolutely fantastic and exhilarating.
Keep being you ladies! You are all beautiful and deserving of love.
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