Good day everyone, Happy New Year.
As most of you know, I'm genderfluid, my internal gender usually fluctuates throughout the day. However, for the past four days, I was firmly rooted as Female. I've very rarely had it stay that long in a single gender, and to such an extreme. It got to the point where I actually went to work with forms in (my smallest ones, so they would be easier to hide under an oversized sweater. It worked for the most part.)
All throughout the weekend I did what I could to stay and present feminine, but whenever I went out, I had to hide it. For instsnce, wearing a sundresss underneath my pants and a shirt. (side note, tucking a sun dress into a pair of jeans or cargo pants is a fun look.)
I ended up taking more risks than normal. Did more things that could out me. Because honestly, I was sick of hiding it. Am sick of hiding it. I know that "once the bell is rung, it can't be un-wrung" and all that, and honestly that thought is what has kept me from outing myself, but I really want to just present how I feel.
It got me thinking. What if I were to suddenly develop breasts? What if I couldn't hide it anymore? What would happen if my secret was forcefully put out there into the world?
How would I handle people's change in perspective? What would people think? Etc.
The fact I don't have the answers to these questions makes me feel I'm not ready to be out fully yet.
Today, I'm more male than I've been lately, but still pretty far on the female side of the slider. I really wish my body matched my gender still, but I'm more okay with the one I have as well. I look back at the risks I took, but I'm not sure if they were worth it in retrospect. At the time I felt they were. Now I'm not sure. Makes me wonder if it would ever be truly worth it to come fully out of the closet.
It's that age old question: am I free, or am I safe? Which one do I value more? Which do you value more?
