Much has been said about the need to fess up and tell your SO about your CDing before things get serious. But, can you share your reasons for NOT telling your SO, fiance, even your wife when you could have done so? Mine were, I thought I could stop; marriage will make my CDing desires go away, so will military duty, etc.. What were your honest reasons for NOT telling?? Thanks! Jenny22
Great post Jenny! Me, back then (and until little over a year ago) I was a skirt chasin', bar fightin', pipe linein'...guy! I dressed up on occasion but thought it was just a 'fetish' thing, purged and didn't look back ☺
Things kinda blew up a year ago that made me think 'yah, maybe I should be a woman? 😕 '
I'm nearly 50, what better way to experience 'life' than to spend half as a full on MAN and the rest, well, as a WOMAN?
Fear, rejection etc lol, i waited 4 yrs before saying anything, probablly shouldnt have but thats what happened. Now we are better and dont have to hide my better side because of it
Hell-o Jenny,
Pretty much "ditto" to Robin's reasons.
My dressing was very randomly spaced, and there was a
real lack of information available about what I was doing,
(Yes, there was a time before the internet existed)
So I just thought it was just some weird thing I liked to do.
I had no idea where it was leading, and wasn't really thinking
it was something that would last.
There were long periods of time, and I mean loooonng, that it seemed
to have just gone away. 12 years at one point, and then nearly 20 at another time.
In those years things were good, we built a life and shared it together.
Now we've become dependent on one another to keep all those things we share.
So what to do? My desire to dress shows up again, and it's like it kept progressing
even though I hadn't been actively dressing! It's all out dressing head to toes.
Now... How exactly do I reveal this to my SO? How do I let her in on my big secret and
not have it blow up our world? If I tell and she freaks out, I could not only lose her, but
everything I've worked so hard to gain throughout my life.
Shortly after joining here I was really conflicted, tell, don't tell, and of course as with many other
topics discussed here, you get responses that support both sides.
Since then the cat has been let out of the bag, and that's another story.
But if your conflicted as to wether or not to come out to your SO, you'll have to
decide for yourself what is right for you.
Just be prepared to have "The Talk" should the moment arise!
Much Love,
Kristyn
I smile because you are my friend, and
I laugh because there is nothing you can do about it!!!
This right here ^^^^^^^^^^^
I thought I SHOULD stop. I really tried! Marriage seemed to make thinks better for a while. But the main reason: I was in mortal fear that that she would reject me. Then we had kids, I was even more fearful that I would hurt them if my SO couldn't handle it. Finally faith in the woman I knew she was won out over fear that I was wrong, and I told her last night. Wow! Even my faith underestimated her.
I think a lot of it is fear and rejection or being exposed as already been said .You just never know how it will turn out .There could be a lot to gain or a lot to loose
I have a hubcap diamond star halo
It didn't seem relevant at the time. When I started dating my wife, I hadn't crossdressed for many years, I really thought I had 'beaten it'. No one tells their mate everything they have done in their life, it's simply not possible to go over every single thing. So, we select things we believe they should know, and tell that. Which I did. When the crossdressing genie got out of the bottle several years into the marriage, I feared the ramifications of telling my wife, so I avoided the issue, hoping to 'beat it' again. If things in our lives settled down, perhaps I could have. But exhaustion makes us overlook things, and I accidentally left a slip out where she found it. That was the beginning of the end.
Some causes of crossdressing you've probably never even considered: My TG biography at:http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...=1#post1490560
There's an addendum at post # 82 on that thread, too. It's about a ten minute read.
Why don't we understand our desire to dress, behave and feel like a girl? Because from childhood, boys are told that the worst possible thing we can be, is a sissy. This feeling is so ingrained into our psyche, that we will suppress any thoughts that connect us to being or wanting to be feminine, even to the point of creating separate personalities to assign those female feelings into.
Fear of losing my wife and kids (neither happened and following the reveal came much peace of mind)
I didn't tell, because I was not sure, (Actually pretty sure) that my girlfriend could not keep
the secret, And I was a business owner, I could not risk the repercussions.
Eventually I did tell her and the only one that she told, as far as I know was her mother.
Last edited by Raychel; 01-13-2016 at 08:39 PM.
my sister's reply when I told her how I prefer to dress
"Everyone has there thing, all that matters is that you are happy, love what you do and who you do it with"
I didn't tell my wife for 17 years because I was pretty sure she'd reject me. When I did finally tell her, I was kicked out the door four months later. Sometimes I hate being right.
My wife knows I crossdresd all the time, I just don't let her see me in Female Clothing. In fact I don't let Anybody see me... that way.
Live Today as if it is your last day
Back when I started, pre internet, I thought I was one of very few that did this and I was pretty sure it was against the law. You just get really good at having a secret life and it creates a heightened sense of situational awareness that actually serves you well through life. First wife, disclosure ---> divorce. Tweener (the one between marriages) thought it was cool when I had tits but, not really into it. Now wife ---> DADT&IDWTSI. Yeah, whatever. Thought that disclosure would be the golden ticket. That certainly didn't happen.
I've waited so long for this time. Makeup is so frustrating. Shaking hands and I look so old. This was a mistake.
My new maid's outfit is cute. Sure fits tight.
And then I step into the bedroom and in the mirror, I see a beautiful woman looking back at me.
Smile, Honey! You look fabulous!
After a childhood and adolescence in which I had no reason to believe that anybody other than weirdos did what I did, I struggled with the logical outcome of that: that I myself was a weirdo. So that profound sense of shame and need for secrecy became part of my adult crossdressing. The idea of telling a girlfriend about it was as foreign to my mind as it could possibly be. There's no way for me to know if my first marriage would have remained viable if I had found some way to tell my wife. But since she found out on her own (by discovering my stash, which I realized I could not come up with a reasonable explanation for), the issue was forced, and she was unable to handle what she knew, and there was no way to un-know it. Exit wife #1. So when I started dating again, there was nothing to make me feel that anything good could happen by having a woman find out about this particular kind of sexual satisfaction that I enjoyed. When I remarried, and when that marriage provided me with a more satisfying sex life than my first marriage had done, I was able to keep myself away from letting Lori be a part of my life (or should I say from bringing Lori to life). I still had the fantasies secretly, and sometimes even in intimate moments with my wife, but only as risk-free fantasies rather than real-life activities. I am very grateful for how my life worked out. But to return to the OP's question ("What were your honest reasons for NOT telling?"), it's not as if there was a conscious decision to NOT tell. It was simply unthinkable. It was still too shameful a thing for me. And there was no crossdressers.com to help me feel less alone as who I am, and more comfortable with my own unusual sexuality.
For me it was SUCH a deep secret, I could never tell anyone... You could have water boarded me or tortured me to death and I NEVER would have told anyone - I wouldn't even say the words to myself, almost like it was a secret from the rest of me too (hard to explain). After 8 years of being married, it just hit me one day how irrational that position was, and out spilled the beans. Now I'm picking up the debris from the hidden and the open side of me colliding.
Jenny,
I went from having GFs that accepted my CDing, so naively thought it wouldn't be a problem when I married . I guess once I married there was so much going on, I still did it but it fading into the background . Like many it appears to resurface into our forties but this time there's no escaping it, most want to come out and be accepted . Some are lucky and some aren't every partner is different.
Don't forget there are two sides to this, our wives /partners aren't 100% honest with us , so we may be entitled to ask the same question !
As has already been said...
I also figured it was a phase and when I got married it would go away and at that point I hadn't dressed for about 5 years anyway. I got caught up again about 12 months ago and resisted the urge until around November when my wife went away for a few days, which gave me the opportunity to raid her closet. My inner girl is screaming to be let out the closet, but, fear and shame care holding me back...
Last edited by CarolBrown; 01-13-2016 at 11:18 AM. Reason: Additional extras...
My reason was, I was afraid it would end the marriage or at least make it very uncomfortable. It has not and I guess I'm one of the lucky ones.
I didn't tell my fife for years fearing she would not undrestand. Then one very hot day I told her I hate wearing pants in this heat and girls got to wear skirts. When we got home she gave me one of old skirt to wear around the house. Not long after that I was wearing everything I had. She knew my dad did a little dressing and thought I had that made me who I was.I for one didn't need to have that fear.
Angie
I think for most, three things. Guilt. Fear. Shame. Sad really.
When I met my wife in my mid-twenties, I had stopped dressing. I didn't really have any desire to do it until over 20 years later.
Sometimes I really want to tell her but I only need to dress a couple of times a month and am still prone to the odd sabattical. Therefore, I figure it's probably not worth the risk of maybe ruining our marriage.
I don't like being dishonest with her, but on balance I think it's best to stay quiet. In saying that, I think I'm prepared for the conservation if she catches me. Some part of me would welcome that but of course it would be best to come clean before that happens (if it happens). It really is a big dilemma for me.
For me it was largely denial. I did what I did because I am weirdo, a perv, or maybe it was because I was (so secretly that it was even a a secret to me) gay (that felt too wrong as I did not feel at all attracted to guys).
I sublimated and denied. But after many years it was something that re-grew in my life (in post kid, no sex-land). This time it felt less wrong (more confidence against societal pressure?) and more right for me.
I wondered if I would enjoy not just dressing, but looking womanly. I tried. I cried. But it had a positive effect. I got in shape and tried again.
But telling was soooooo difficult. I confided in a GG friend and she encouraged me. I think the idea was right, but I still think I did it badly.
Am I glad I told? Ish - I wish I had done it better. I wish I had spent more time thinking (and reading on this site) about the consequences.
When first married I had dressed if you can call very occasionally putting on one of my SO's dresses dressing and it seemed more out of curiosity than anything else. I had tried on my mom's stockings and girdle at a younger age but again out of curiosity. The desire to fully dress didn't really start until the marriage was well established and kids had arrived are started to grow up.
I didn't come clean because like so many others I was afraid of the outcome. The more time passed the more difficult it seemed and even though the kids are adults coming out is still something that fills me with foreboding. I know there's the chance of accidental discovery but that's something many of us have learned to live with.
Who dares wears Get in, get out without being noticed
In response to Helen, I must say that fear of discovery was one of the motivators for my telling. I was worried that discovered underwear would result in unwarranted accusations of infidelity.
I am not sure which way things would have gone. SO is not happy, but not I am not on the doorstep.
Jane Peterson, you described me quite a bit as well. I fought my cd desires for nearly 3 decades. Could have probably counted the total number of times I dressed leaving a shoe on...
One reason I never told my wife was simply because it was the secret I was taking alone to my grave. As well as constantly battling not to be a cd.
Of course along with my own self loathing about it all, and very deep denial was the fear of rejection, fear my secret would get out.
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