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Thread: Why shame?

  1. #26
    Member EllieMayxxx's Avatar
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    I had shame from dressing until I accepted it as being who i am. I used to dress and naturally I got aroused, afterwards I felt guilty and took everything off straight away. I remember when i was a child my parents used to teas around Christmas time that i I wasn't good I would get a barbie doll it used to annoy me so much but secretly I really wanted one. Then when i was 7 I tried on an old bra that was left in an old wash basket and forgotten about, my dad caught me one day and said it was wrong. I never tried anything on until i was 13 and thats when it turned into a sexual thing and the guilt and shame started. Now at 19 I have realised that its who i am and I have accepted that I like to dress like a woman and I have no shame what so ever. I feel so much better in my own skin. I can wear woman's clothes all day and it's completely normal, the only negative thing is being caught by my parents and if they don't accept me.
    Ellie May 😘

  2. #27
    Miss Judy Judy-Somthing's Avatar
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    It's a BUMMER some people make you feel ashamed and some make you feel good.

    I'm constantly testing the waters with people I meet.

    I work with with at least five new guys a year and I always ask crazy questions like "How come aliens are always nude?"

    Sometimes I say "Friday is wear a dress to work day", and most guys say "Ya OK" but some guys go along with it and say "yes a long flowing gown and heels"

    I answered the company in house phone and the secretary asked if I had something to right a note with, I said "Is lipstick OK" she paused and said that's weird, why would I say that?"

    Well anyway I can't wait to try on my new wedding dress tomorrow even know I'm not getting married.
    "This is ME" I am not CRAZY, I'm just a GUY who likes dresses!
    Since allot of men dress up in woman's clothing that makes it a manly thing to do!
    Much more fun than fishing.
    I do construction like house building and I love CD-ing, what's the difference?

  3. #28
    Member SharonDenise's Avatar
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    I'm not the deep thinker that I used to think I was. I don't know if it's shame or knowing that its better to keep my cross dressing a secret from others to avoid difficulty. I have cross dressed since an early age and am now almost seventy. I came out to my wife before we were married and she accepted and supported my practice. However, until she died over a year ago she was the only one that ever knew. ( I think my mother knew.) Since then, I've joined a cross dresser support group and have told quite a few others. Was it shame or something else that made me keep it a life long secret? I don't know.

  4. #29
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    I'm pretty sure everyone has explained it very well already.

    For me the shame came into play because it is not the social norm. Men are supposed to be this and that and blah blah blah. I would always think if only these saps knew. I would try to suppress the urge as much as possible. When I couldn't hold it any longer I would dress up and look in the mirror with shame and disgust. I hated mirrors for long time.

    Now that I have accepted both sides of myself when I see myself dressed I get the exact opposite effect and I love it.

  5. #30
    The Anima Corrupt Wen4cd's Avatar
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    Crossdrssing and TG carries a lot of shame because of its non-virtuous nature. I don't mean lewdness. I mean mostly that it's vain, narcissistic, mostly frivolous, and puts the focus squarely on the Self. In Western civilization, these are not seen as positive virtues. I think this is why people who do it tend to rationalize to a fault, and that the notion that society has it's gender symbols mixed up, etc, is a diversion. People I think would rather accept themselves as gay, trans, otherkin, whatever "born with condition' that we can further dissect out of the human condition, than face the notion of the simple selfishness, hubris, and pride that the Genderqueer life dancec circles around. (Because in the last analysis: you are born, you consume food and oxygen, and you die, and that's it, the rest is superflous, ecpecially if you've already bred.)

    I guess that's another way of saying that shame exists to balance out pride, shame being the more seemingly "virtuous" trait in the West.
    And so we go, on with our lives...
    We know the Truth, but prefer Lies.
    Lies are simple, simple is Bliss.
    Why go against tradition, when we can admit defeat,
    Live in Decline, be the victim of our own design?

  6. #31
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    Interesting question, and one I've been trying to figure out for myself as well. I don't have any shame within myself for the fact that I have some feminine elements in my psyche, or that dressing as an expression of that (or simply because I find it comfortable) is in any way 'wrong'. I also try to be pro-LGB (and especially -T) and I've never been a particularly 'manly' guy (no interest in sports, etc.), but I still present visually as strongly male.

    Quote Originally Posted by Amy Lynn3 View Post
    we, for the most part do not feel shame when we dress, however, the people who catch us dressed are ashamed of us, for dressing.
    Quote Originally Posted by Sandie70 View Post
    I haven't the slightest bit of shame over my crossdressing. However, I do carry fear within me... fear of the world branding me a pervert or worse.
    I think this describes my situation fairly well. The fear of humiliation and embarassment don't stop me from doing what I want to, but they do prevent me from doing it openly. It's the fear of being caught/outed, rather than of just 'being', and from that I have to conclude that the shame comes from how others perceive me. That is, it's a shame, not about who I am or what I do, but of being judged or criticized, which in turn suggests a fragile sense of self-worth. If I'm honest, there's likely also an element of internalized transphobia involved.

    Quote Originally Posted by NicoleScott View Post
    The shame doesn't come from within. It's drilled down into vulnerable boys by others (some of whom may be insecure about their own sexuality and/or gender identity).
    I think that a couple of bullying-related events during my late childhood and early adolescence (one of which today might well be considered sexual assault) may have caused me to become insecure about my own sexuality/gender identity, and this may in turn be the cause of the shame I feel at being publicly judged.

    At this point, though, I don't really have a better answer.

  7. #32
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    The attention that this topic has garnered probably says more about us as a community than it does about the condition called cross dressing.
    Why should we feel ashamed of what we are. It is not as if at the age of around 5, I was given a choice to become a cross dresser or not. Do gays feel shame? Many of them did several decades ago but then they had something called GAY PRIDE and they threw off the mantle of shame.

    We need CROSS DRESSERS PRIDE and we need to put this "shame" into the rubbish bin.

  8. #33
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    I think you really know the answer. The vast majority of people want to adhere to some degree of conformity. Most like to belong to a larger group that is accepted by society. If you take your average cross dressing male, who has no outlet to express himself or gain any acceptance through interaction, he is going to have a difficult time being different. The biggest issue is confusion of sexuality. As a child of the 1960's there was zero information available to a teenager. Cross dressing men were "queers and fags," who were beaten up, shunned and tossed to the curb like trash. If you were struggling with the concept or question of "Am I a queer? Or a faggot?" how would you sort it out? Impossible, Hence, shame arises because you are different from the expectations of society?

    The concept of shame of oneself is not limited to cross dressing men. If you hang around the school yard and see the bullying that can go on, it is terrible. Many of the kids are ashamed they are overweight? Don't wear the same clothes as the others? Wear glasses? Are not athletic? etc, etc, etc.

  9. #34
    Member TaraGrace's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Stephanie47 View Post
    ..Many of the kids are ashamed they are overweight? Don't wear the same clothes as the others? Wear glasses? Are not athletic? etc, etc, etc.
    Hmz.. to be honest.. I truely believe the world has changed for the better.. compared to 30 years ago..
    nerds became heroes, glasses became cool, race became unimportant, gender became equal, schooling improved and became more accessable, religions became more open and social control disappeared.

    Now I'm not blind to bullying - it has and sadly most likely will always be part of society, but if I can see HUGE change in just 30 years in a calvanistic country as the Netherlands that is just as well known for it's windmills and tulips as it is for the yearly gay pride boat parade in Amsterdam.. then there's hope for the world yet

  10. #35
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    Quote Originally Posted by Wen4cd View Post
    Crossdrssing and TG carries a lot of shame because of its non-virtuous nature. I don't mean lewdness. I mean mostly that it's vain, narcissistic, mostly frivolous, and puts the focus squarely on the Self. In Western civilization, these are not seen as positive virtues.
    Wow Wen, I've honesty never thought of it from that perspective...I think I just learned something! I've thought IT stemmed from the often incorrect presumption of 'incorrect erotic targeting...yah, lewdness' but maybe not?

    How does saying this make me feel?

    I might not have a face that can stop a clock...but it sure can break one ( 'n mirrors too)

    It feels good!? (And if you saw my passport photo you would totally agree 😲 ) 😉

  11. #36
    AKA Lexi sometimes_miss's Avatar
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    The shame came more from not being as everyone expected, rather than so much from crossdressing in private (after all, virtually no one knew).
    I had big shoes to fill; my older sister was the biggest, smartest, toughest, oldest kid in her classes, all the way up to high school. And she was a girl. So surely, I would be even more of the same, right? Nope. On the contrary, I was the youngest in my class, so I wasn't the biggest, I hated school so I wasn't the smartest, I avoided fighting at all costs so I wasn't the toughest (see sig to find out why). I was considered a loser in every way, and a lazy one at that because I didn't do what everyone else wanted me to. Dad was a star basketball player, but I wasn't, because I wasn't willing to fight when it was necessary, and the other kids knew it. It seemed my parents, my family, and my teachers all expected me to be a star, yet, I wasn't. So pretty much everyone treated me like I was worthless. Any wonder I felt ashamed to be me? And then, the worst insult; being ignored by god, finding out I was a mistake, that my body was made wrong in so many ways. Yeah, all that kind of contributed to feeling shame.
    Some causes of crossdressing you've probably never even considered: My TG biography at:http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...=1#post1490560
    There's an addendum at post # 82 on that thread, too. It's about a ten minute read.
    Why don't we understand our desire to dress, behave and feel like a girl? Because from childhood, boys are told that the worst possible thing we can be, is a sissy. This feeling is so ingrained into our psyche, that we will suppress any thoughts that connect us to being or wanting to be feminine, even to the point of creating separate personalities to assign those female feelings into.

  12. #37
    Member Shayna's Avatar
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    Because it was not the norm and looked at as different in a negative way. Felt like it was something that shouldn't be done because there were no mainstream examples of it anywhere.

  13. #38
    GG ReineD's Avatar
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    Like you, my SO was never ashamed of his desire to express femininity. I suspect he rather thought others were idiots for not being more open-minded. lol.

    But I can understand the shame for those who feel it. Most of us have a deep-seated need to belong to the society in which we live. Google "need to belong". So it makes sense that a lot of people feel conflicted over being compelled to behave in ways that may cause others to reject them.
    Reine

  14. #39
    Silver Member Tina_gm's Avatar
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    Reine says it well. But also, related to the people talk thread, when you hear numerous negative comments made, the mockery, disgust seen from others, the portrayal in the media, yes, we, or I can for certain say "I" just wanted to be a regular guy, and not anyone who was among those whom I have seen such harsh animosity toward. Life hasn't worked out that way, despite my best efforts. It isn't always easy to convince yourself you are really ok when so many around you think otherwise.

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