So I'm the partner of a CD who has recently come out to me. It had come up about a year or 2 ago during intimate moments as a fantasy but like all fantasies I thought it was a kink. Fun not serious. But last weekend on his birthday he brought out his box of tricks. I was suspicious when I saw it but hoped it was just a thing if you know what I mean if it happened it happened. I will be honest here and hoped it wasn't going to happen. I know judgemental and I would've thought that I was extremely open minded. Suffice to say he got dressed and I was ... I have to say disappointed and overwhelmed. He tried on clothes from my wardrobe and asked me to zip it up. We had had a lot to drink and if anything I wanted to close my eyes and hope it went away. I feigned sleep trying to fall asleep on the couch after he asked me to make him up. When I eventually went to bed I pretended to sleep while he pleasured himself all night. I was pretending to be asleep but I knew. The rest of the weekend he wanted to continue it on ... We had no kids after 20 days of kids - I should explain that we are a blended family with 6 kids so this was a treat - hung over we went to another town to look at a car - a Porsche that I ended up buying although we are going to share the payments. He then asked me to shop for him. He was unbelievably loving during this period saying how beautiful I was and how much he loved me. I found the whole experience of shopping with him disturbing - I even prayed that it would be over. Iprayer being something I hadn't done for years. I was numb. Pretending everything was alright when I felt my world had just crashed in on me. I had no sexual desire for him at all. Suffice to say he tried to get me drunk to let the games continue. I shut off and shut out but of course he dressed in his new dress. He had spent a fortune on this dress - more than I would've dreamed to spend on myself. I just felt so betrayed.
3 days on - this big secret and my reactions to it are affecting everything. My relationship with my kids - all the kids actually, my work, how I view life. Are all the sweet words (unusually of recent times solicitous) a lie - is it gratitude or is it a continuation of his fantasy of how he would like to be treated? I don't know I don't know how to situate myself to this. He s such a manly man - racing cars motorbikes muscles. I felt so protected and now I don't know how to react.
So now to my shame ... My 13 year old son has just called me out for being a bitch to my partner - I have been - angry I guess and confused - and I think I have cause to be but perhaps not academically but emotionally. I question everything about us - was it me every romantic gesture or just part of his fantasy for him? I honestly think the latter. I would never out him so have to suck up the resentment and my feelings to cover for him. Be the bitch because he is the one being super super everything.
I am having a wine and thought about topping that off with some sleeping pills I had saved just to make this whole thing go away. But I would never do that not least because of the kids and my brave Son who had the guts to call me out for being a bitch or my beautiful daughter who frustrated me so much this morning. I would never let that be their last memory of me.
I don't know how to communicate this with him. I don't want to scare him into the closet. He is very reactive. I know this won't go away but I don't know whether he is being honest with me or just using me as a foil for his own fantasies.
Is he gay? Does he want to live as a woman. WhT about the kids. And as superficially as it sounds what if people fnd out.
This is my 3rd marriage have I really got loser brandished on my forehead . I can't put my kids through another break up. I love his kids. I can't do this to them. I am so lost and alone. Who do I tell without betraying him. No one - so here I am sitting on the backstep with a glass of wine and tears blurring my words and not even able to check out of this mess.