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Thread: I've lost it

  1. #1
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    I've lost it

    So I'm the partner of a CD who has recently come out to me. It had come up about a year or 2 ago during intimate moments as a fantasy but like all fantasies I thought it was a kink. Fun not serious. But last weekend on his birthday he brought out his box of tricks. I was suspicious when I saw it but hoped it was just a thing if you know what I mean if it happened it happened. I will be honest here and hoped it wasn't going to happen. I know judgemental and I would've thought that I was extremely open minded. Suffice to say he got dressed and I was ... I have to say disappointed and overwhelmed. He tried on clothes from my wardrobe and asked me to zip it up. We had had a lot to drink and if anything I wanted to close my eyes and hope it went away. I feigned sleep trying to fall asleep on the couch after he asked me to make him up. When I eventually went to bed I pretended to sleep while he pleasured himself all night. I was pretending to be asleep but I knew. The rest of the weekend he wanted to continue it on ... We had no kids after 20 days of kids - I should explain that we are a blended family with 6 kids so this was a treat - hung over we went to another town to look at a car - a Porsche that I ended up buying although we are going to share the payments. He then asked me to shop for him. He was unbelievably loving during this period saying how beautiful I was and how much he loved me. I found the whole experience of shopping with him disturbing - I even prayed that it would be over. Iprayer being something I hadn't done for years. I was numb. Pretending everything was alright when I felt my world had just crashed in on me. I had no sexual desire for him at all. Suffice to say he tried to get me drunk to let the games continue. I shut off and shut out but of course he dressed in his new dress. He had spent a fortune on this dress - more than I would've dreamed to spend on myself. I just felt so betrayed.

    3 days on - this big secret and my reactions to it are affecting everything. My relationship with my kids - all the kids actually, my work, how I view life. Are all the sweet words (unusually of recent times solicitous) a lie - is it gratitude or is it a continuation of his fantasy of how he would like to be treated? I don't know I don't know how to situate myself to this. He s such a manly man - racing cars motorbikes muscles. I felt so protected and now I don't know how to react.

    So now to my shame ... My 13 year old son has just called me out for being a bitch to my partner - I have been - angry I guess and confused - and I think I have cause to be but perhaps not academically but emotionally. I question everything about us - was it me every romantic gesture or just part of his fantasy for him? I honestly think the latter. I would never out him so have to suck up the resentment and my feelings to cover for him. Be the bitch because he is the one being super super everything.

    I am having a wine and thought about topping that off with some sleeping pills I had saved just to make this whole thing go away. But I would never do that not least because of the kids and my brave Son who had the guts to call me out for being a bitch or my beautiful daughter who frustrated me so much this morning. I would never let that be their last memory of me.

    I don't know how to communicate this with him. I don't want to scare him into the closet. He is very reactive. I know this won't go away but I don't know whether he is being honest with me or just using me as a foil for his own fantasies.

    Is he gay? Does he want to live as a woman. WhT about the kids. And as superficially as it sounds what if people fnd out.

    This is my 3rd marriage have I really got loser brandished on my forehead . I can't put my kids through another break up. I love his kids. I can't do this to them. I am so lost and alone. Who do I tell without betraying him. No one - so here I am sitting on the backstep with a glass of wine and tears blurring my words and not even able to check out of this mess.
    Last edited by Lorileah; 01-20-2016 at 03:44 PM. Reason: removed words you probably used more in anger and are not allowed here

  2. #2
    Senior Member UNDERDRESSER's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by BrownEyed View Post
    I am having a wine and thought about topping that off with some sleeping pills I had saved just to make this whole thing go away.
    Wait, do you mean enough to make it ALL go away? As in suicide? And you had the pills saved? If so, go and talk to a professional NOW.

    What is making you feel this way doesn't matter at the moment, but you are suffering from depression, and it needs treatment. What happens between you two isn't as important as getting that under control first.

    No, he probably isn't gay, more likely a fetish crossdresser, a lot of us are, and it doesn't make us broken, or gay, or useless, just got a different kink than some others. At the moment it sounds like he is lost in the pink fog. Thinking that you're OK with this. At some point you'll have to sit him down and explain that you're not OK, but get some help first. A therapist can help find ways to sort it out with him as well, but they'll be wanting to help you find the way out of the depression as a priority.

    If I misinterpreted your comment about the sleeping pills, then maybe ignore the first bit of my reply, but still, a therapist can help you with your relationship. What he is doing is not wrong, but you don't have to just go along with it if you can't stomach it. It probably won't work to demand he just stop, but maybe you can work something out and set some boundaries around it. If he thinks at the moment that you are supportive, it will be a downer for him short term, but if he's worth keeping, he will be grateful and understanding for a DADT relationship.
    "Normal is what you get when you average out the weirdness that everybody has." Quote from my SO

    Normal is a setting on a washing machine, or another word for average.

    The fact that I wear a skirt as a male should not be taken as a comment on what you do, or do not wear, or how you wear it.

  3. #3
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    Brown, every single feeling that you have are real and legitimate. Are they good or bad?? I am not to judge that. It sounds very much like your husband is acting in some selfish ways, whether he knows this or not.

    First the good news. His behaviour sounds very much like what is termed "pink fog" on here. It is highly likely he doesn't even realise his behaviour is quite selfish. Luckily, once he understands what he is doing (though you will probably need to tell him. Possibly with a sledge hammer!) if he is a caring person he will stop. He has children whom you love, clearly he is not an uncaring or constantly selfish parent, remember that.

    Now the bad news. You have some work ahead of you, not just you but you and your husband as a couple and also your family. You need to get him to drop all of the superficiality and selfishness of his behaviours and start communicating as a couple. There will be tough times. You will be worried about kids etc. But then all marriages must navigate their road bumps.

    Step back, take a deep breath. You are most certainly not alone. You need to talk to your husband. No alcohol, No tablets, No sex. Talk. Communicate. Ask him your questions and make him think about the answers. Write it down on paper if you need to. let him write down his responses if he needs to. There will be hard questions and even harder answers. Keep on communicating though and you you will find the best pathway for yourselves
    Last edited by Katey888; 01-20-2016 at 05:32 AM. Reason: Incorrect forum advice

  4. #4
    Call me Pam pamela7's Avatar
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    "What Kate said".

    Many macho men have to compensate by letting out their feminine side, which is in everyone. Surprisingly a lot of the very macho men have this hidden away. some suppress it fully and others have to let it out. It does not make him less of a man, if fact if you find a way to accept him in this, you'll have the most faithful, adoring man you could imagine. And it certainly does not make him a loser, in fact it means he's more in touch with feelings which will give him an edge in life.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dJFyz73MRcg
    I used to believe this, now I'm in the company of many tiggers. A tigger does not wonder why she is a tigger, she just is a tigger.

    thanks to krististeph: tigger = TG'er .. T-I-GG-er

  5. #5
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    Hi Browneyed, welcome to the forum. Like you I’m a genetic female, not a crossdresser.

    I’m sorry that you’re going through this and I feel for you. But I’m going to say a few things that I think will help even though you may not like what I say. So please forgive me and keep an open mind.

    To answer your questions, he is not gay and he doesn’t want to be a woman. He is a crossdresser who gets a sexual kick out of the crossdressing at the moment, although this will likely (but not always) abate the more he dresses. And yes, it is natural that he should feel grateful and perhaps more loving if he believes that you are OK with all of this.

    Your partner is behaving this way because he has no clue how you really feel. He thinks you are as much into it as he is, likely because in the past, you did get into it (to please him) when you thought it was just a harmless kink.

    So first, I cannot emphasize enough how important it is for you to tell him that he is going way too fast with all of this and the speed with which he is going is turning you off in a major way. A slower pace means that you and he might schedule a few hours for him to dress up during the course of a weekend when the kids are gone, and then maybe the two of you might watch a movie or something together so you can see that he is the same person as he always has been, after which he would take everything off before you both go to bed. If he asks why you were OK with it in the bedroom 2 years ago and not now, you could explain that you had no idea how much it turns him on (even when you are asleep), and you’re beginning to feel like an accessory when he does want to involve you.

    Second, I’m not wanting to be the moral police, but it’s difficult to deal with serious situations when drugs and/or alcohol are used, because they tend to numb the feelings associated with unpleasant situations (which is how you feel about the crossdressing at the moment), which then makes it difficult for you to tell him how you really feel.

    You need to ask yourself why you are reluctant to tell him how you feel. Is it because you think that if he knows, he will want to leave you? You need to resolve this with him.

    And telling him the truth doesn’t have to scare him into the closet if you tell him that you do want to learn more, but you need it to go at a much slower pace and preferably outside the bedroom for the time being. Like the rest of us, you just need time to wrap your mind around all of this, and keeping it out of the bedroom for now does not mean that you will always feel this way.

    My SO crossdresses and we’ve been together for years. It is possible to have a healthy, happy relationship with a partner who crossdresses but it means having the ability to talk honestly and frequently about your feelings and his.

    I hope you will stick around and start getting involved in this forum. The learning curve can be steep, but you need to learn more about this because it is not going away.

    There’s a lot more I could say, but it would make my post way too long and I don’t want to overwhelm you. Just know that if you participate here, you will gain a greater understanding which will change the way you feel about it right now, and things will get better.
    Reine

  6. #6
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    BrownEyed, do not feel bad that you have the feelings that you have. They are quite common, actually. And understand that they are valid (note I didn't say that you are right and he is wrong, just that what you feel is real and valid), and that you are not a horrible person to feel as you do.

    The first thing to get your mind around is this: "Nothing has changed - you just have additional information now."

    Your husband is still the same person he was before he showed you his crossdressing. I'm very sorry that he did it the way he did - that is the second worst way he could've done it. (The worst way would've been for you to walk in on him, totally unexpected.) Odds are, your husband has been a crossdresser since before your relationship started. Probably a long time before it. Possibly since childhood. Anyway, it's probable that the entire time you've known him, he's been doing this unbeknownst to you. He's still the same person - nothing about him has changed.

    What has changed is your reaction to him. That's understandable in the face of new information, but try to keep it in perspective. He isn't any different today than he was two weeks ago. It's your feelings and views about him that have changed. That is hard because those things are not trivial to change, but you at least have some influence over them.

    I know this seems ghastly, and it has obviously really freaked you out. (Most people would be freaked out discovering their partner is gender variant by way of "surprise - look at me in my dress!") But this isn't even close to the worst thing you could've discovered. He could have told you:
    - he was a compulsive gambler and he'd lost your home, bank accounts, and retirement
    - he was a chronic alcoholic and in need of a liver transplant, and probably isn't going to get one
    - he was having an affair

    Now I'm not trying to invalidate your feelings - you might not feel that any of those are actually worse than his crossdressing. But just for perspective, consider that all of the things I listed above have a very direct effect on your marriage. The first two jeopardize your home and security. The last throws the continuance of your marriage into question, at least for many people. If your life changes because of his crossdressing, mostly it'll be because you choose for it to change. There may be good reasons for you to make that choice - you may ultimately decide that you can't deal with this, and want no part of it, and need to divorce him. That would be sad for everyone, but if that's how you feel, particularly after some reflection, then that's how you feel.

    Suicide, however, is just not a good option. The very worst case here is that you'll choose to divorce him. Divorce is no fun whatsoever - but millions of people do it, and they survive. Yeah, your life will be hard - but you'll be OK.

    Also, you aren't a loser. One question I have for you is how did you feel about your spouse prior to their revelation? Was this a good marriage, or did it have terrible problems? If the former, I'd think about counseling, particularly with a therapist who understands gender issues. If the latter, well, maybe a lawyer is the way to go. If it is the former, then how are you a loser? There's no way you could've known about this - he didn't tell you in advance. And I can guarantee you, the shame he likely felt throughout his life over feeling the way he does, over feeling compelled to crossdress, is something he's suffered throughout his life. I'm not making excuses for him, but I can tell you that earlier in my life, I only ever revealed my feelings about my gender to one person. The rest of my life I was haunted by this horrible secret that I dared not share. Likely he's felt something like that. It's worth asking about anyway. I say all this to give you some perspective on why he might've come out to you - likely he wanted to share something he's hidden for his entire life with the person he loves most - you. Unfortunately, he chose to do this in a way that made it terribly shocking for you.

    I don't know how to communicate this with him. I don't want to scare him into the closet. He is very reactive. I know this won't go away but I don't know whether he is being honest with me or just using me as a foil for his own fantasies.
    I would try to calm down, and I would talk to him, telling him that you want to hear about his crossdressing - not what he wants to wear, but how he's felt about this, and dealt with it throughout his life. Tell him you need the truth, because fairly or unfairly, you are having trouble with trust because this feels to you like such a big secret that he never told you about before your marriage. He may not understand why revealing a secret like that would affect your trust - although if he's honest with himself, the has to admit that there were reasons he didn't tell you up front. And if he's fair, he'll hear that not telling you up front feels like a betrayal. In some sense, you are both right about the way you feel. To him, keeping the secret very likely felt like a matter of survival, and was highly based in shame, so it felt sort of justified. (It wasn't, but I'm just saying how it might've felt to him.) To you, well, this is something you'd very much have wanted to know before the marriage, so you could make a decision freely about whether or not you were going to be OK with it. Now you don't have that luxury - choosing "no, I can't abide this" is very much harder, and likely has worse consequences than choosing "OK, I'll live with it. I never want to see it again though." It isn't fair that you were put into this position. If it makes you feel any better, society encourages us to hide this stuff, and in a society that doesn't value authenticity, collateral damage from secrets like this is going to happen to some.

    As for using you as a foil for his own fantasies, I doubt that, but the best way to know is to look at the evidence of this, and to talk with him calmly as you can, but frankly, about your fears. The evidence would've been how he treated you and your children prior to the reveal. Do his actions towards you and feelings for you seem genuine to you, or contrived? What is the evidence either way - try to be objective about this. I know that is probably very hard to do.

    I can tell you that I loved my wife. I didn't marry her in the hopes of fulfilling some fantasy. Honestly, I hoped marrying her would help me bury the things I felt forever. And for nearly 15 years, it did. A lot of us fall into this trap. Another common one is "If only I worship in this particular faith, I'll be cured of this!" Unfortunately, that never works out either.

    Is he gay? Does he want to live as a woman. WhT about the kids. And as superficially as it sounds what if people fnd out.
    Unless you are a man, he is probably not gay. In the past, some gay people felt the need to hide behind a marriage to hide their homosexuality. That's WAAAAY less common today, and honestly, the gay men I know who crossdress or do drag are, generally speaking, sufficiently gay that were you married to one of them, you'd notice a serious lack of attraction towards you on their part. He married you, your story suggests he was amorous towards you, you are a woman - so none of that suggests "gay." And just so you know, a great many gay men are, in fact, hyper-masculine and would reject a man in a dress. There are feminine gay men - but most of them don't crossdress either. So I think it's very likely you can rule out gay - but you can always ask him if you feel there's other evidence. (For example, finding gay porn or something like that around the house.) For what it's worth, I live in the gay district of Dallas, and I know a pretty large number of gay dudes now. I know some who were married before coming out - years and years ago. So it's possible, but honestly it isn't very likely. You can always ask him I guess.

    Odds are your kids will be fine if you stay with him. The younger they are, the more easily they'll get used to this. As for other people you know - if they find out, some will accept it, some will reject him. You will probably not know who will have which reaction until they know. Out of all the people I've come out to, I've only been really accurate at predicting how it would go exactly one time - with my wife. (Well, really my ex-wife now.)

    As for the part about "does he want to live as a woman?" That, unfortunately, is a much harder question to deal with. For starters, it's really not the right question. I didn't want to live as a woman - I was certain I was a woman. Nobody else saw it that way though, and that caused me all manner of horrible problems throughout my life. You can ask him about that - it's a valid question, honestly. Odds are he doesn't, but unfortunately, even if he ultimately does want to transition (this is the process of going from life as a man to life as a woman), unless he's admitted this to himself, he's likely to reply that he has no intention of ever doing this, and that he does NOT feel that way. It's what I would've said. I know I also told you that I was certain I was a woman. That's also true. But look - knowing something like that, and having to resolve those feelings against everyone else in the world tell you "YOU ARE A MAN" is pretty tough. I mean, how can EVERYONE you know be wrong about something like that? So a lot of us repress these feelings because we feel we must be depraved, insane, broken - we must be wrong and everyone else must be right. (Unfortunately, the truth isn't a matter subject to popular vote. Lots of people can think something, and it still not be true. In my case, I was right about being a woman, they were wrong about it.)

    If your spouse does want to transition, they may tell you this if you ask and if they are really at a point where they need to do it. The only other clue you might get is to look for EXTREME emotional distress on their part. Before my transition, I was so miserable that I wanted to die. In fact I ultimately attempted suicide. I simply couldn't live pretending to be a man anymore. Death seemed to be the only way to end my suffering - I'd tried alcohol and drugs in times past, and knew they wouldn't stop my feelings, but would quickly become a problem for me in and of themselves. (They did a pretty good job of nearly killing me all by themselves over 20 years earlier.) Not all of us go through such extreme emotions, and there are many other signs aside from crossdressing that point to transition (not all of us who transition crossdress), most of them quite subtle and hard to spot.

    The odds are heavily against your husband's transition. But let's suppose the worst case scenario, and they ultimately do transition. Although everyone thinks that means "the surgery" - meaning gender reassignment surgery, in fact most of us don't get that for a variety of reasons. Let me ask you a question. If your husband had told you that he was dying of cancer, would you have stayed with him until the end? What if had been Alzheimer's or MS, and you faced decades of caring for him as he slowly declined? Would you stay in that case? How is this so much worse than those things? BTW, it may really feel worse to you, and upon reflection, continue to feel worse. That's ok - I offer these examples simply to give you what seem to me to be worse situations - situations where if you stay, you are stuck caring for a very sick person, or if you leave, you are unlikely to get much support from them because they probably won't be able to work. There are plenty of marriages that stay together through transition - although most don't. I can't tell you such a thing is easy - most of the time it isn't - but I know quite a few couples personally who've stayed together through such a thing. Again, we're talking the unlikely and very worst case scenario here. (And please don't feel that I'm trying to "guilt" you into staying. I wouldn't judge you either way - in fact I'd bet that a big part of the reason, other than love, that people do stay together through long, slow and ultimately terminal illnesses are because everybody else would lay a massive guilt trip on them if they didn't. I don't think that's fair, by the way.)

    The best thing for you to help you deal with this would be to find a support group for spouses of trans people. Those are kind of rare, though. The next best thing would be to talk to a gender therapist, who can explain what you are going through, and what your husband is going through.

  7. #7
    Martini Girl Katey888's Avatar
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    Good advice and insight already BrownEyed...

    From what you describe, this is selfish and irresponsible behaviour on his part. Whether or not he's like this normally is hard to say, because now this aspect is overwhelming everything else.

    He's not likely to be gay but you should be prepared for more sexual fantasies to emerge with this - although that's all they're likely to be - only time will tell whether this is more fetish, expression or something deeper. One thing seems clear to me - he needs to back off and tone everything down quickly and the two of you need to talk about what this means and how his behaviour is hurting you. There's no excuse for inconsiderate and selfish behaviour whatever the reason. You don't seem to have indicated he's done any soul-searching himself about what this means and how it may affect you or the family - perhaps he has - but he needs to get a cap on it and show a little respect for the impact this is having on you...

    Sorry - I know we don't know everything but you appear to be trying to understand and prepared to listen - he's squandering that opportunity by indulging himself without asking you how you feel... Sit him down and spell it out - he MUST listen to your feelings...

    Katey x
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    Rinse and curl your hair - Loosen your hips, and get a dress to wear"
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  8. #8
    its important mykell's Avatar
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    hi browneyed, welcome, you are not alone with this and this forum is a positive asset for you....maybe flush those pills now....

    coming here and asking for help is courage's, not the mark of a loser, you love the kids and your SO....commendable. not understanding everything this entails is common and seeking the help and knowledge to deal and understand it more is to everyone's benefit....

    here is a link for you to join the FAB (female at birth) section, http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...f#faq_gg_forum

    there you will have access to your peers which would most likely be helpful also....

    most importantly you have to have a discussion with him and make him understand that you are not comfortable with the arraignment as it stands, if you dont want to see him dressed or have it in the bedroom you have to make it known and work out comfort levels.

    cant speak for him about his sexuality or gender issues but do realize that what you read here about one person does not necessarily make it true to your situation....we are all over the spectrum and what may be true for one does not make it true for all,

    thanks for joining and wanting to help yourself and your family....hope these words help you......
    ....Mykell
    i dressed like a girl and i liked it! crossdressing...theirs an app for that

  9. #9
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    First, welcome to the forum. There are lots of resources here to help you deal with this. It's why a lot of us are here, to help other people who are going through what we did.
    In many ways, I'm going to agree with Paula. And so, here we go.

    like all fantasies I thought it was a kink. Fun not serious. But last weekend on his birthday he brought out his box of tricks. <snip> I will be honest here and hoped it wasn't going to happen.
    Yours is a very common response to the sudden realization your SO is a crossdresser.

    I would've thought that I was extremely open minded.
    Well, it is easier when it's not personal. Now it is.

    I was ... I have to say disappointed and overwhelmed.
    then

    I found the whole experience of shopping with him disturbing
    These may reflect your feeling of the belief that he 'isn't the man you thought you were getting', that he's somehow less than you bargained for. Try to remember that sort of diminishes or devalues female feelings and behavior, as if it's somehow worth 'less' that what men feel and do; we (crossdressers) don't do that, so why would women? Embracing traditionally female feelings and behavior should be a positive thing, no? Women complain all the time about stereotypical males; well, now you know he's way more than that. Should be a good thing, but it's going to take some getting used to.
    Also, we fall in love with not the person, but what we know of that person. After finding out something like this, lots of women feel that they 'never really knew him at all'. Which, of course is wrong; he's the same person he always was. Only now, you know something you didn't before. But he hasn't changed at all. He's the same guy you've always known.

    He was unbelievably loving during this period saying how beautiful I was and how much he loved me.
    Exactly.

    I even prayed that it would be over. I prayer being something I hadn't done for years. I was numb. Pretending everything was alright when I felt my world had just crashed in on me.
    This is a natural response to feeling a loss, as if you've lost 'your man', your whole way of life. You haven't. As you wrote, he loves you very much. He's no less capable of being the man you need whenever you need him to be. Try to keep that in mind through all this.

    I had no sexual desire for him at all.
    This is the big one. The feelings you had before were based on the concept of an 'all man, masculine male'. Now that image is being disturbed by the idea that he's 'girly', and you're not attracted to 'girly'. Even worse, it sounds like youre turned off by it. And it sounds like he really wishes you were into it, but you're going to have to let him know that right now, you can't handle that. It's a pretty big adjustment, and you will need time to deal with it. HE has to help YOU with this, not the other way around. He's known who he is for a very long time. You haven't. Or at least, ignored the possibility. Which is perfectly normal, women usually hate the idea that their man is anything feminine at all.

    I just felt so betrayed <snip> this big secret and my reactions to it are affecting everything. My relationship with my kids - all the kids actually, my work, how I view life.
    Yes, it does change how you see you fit into the world because you think he's different. He isn't. He's always been like this, and it's never caused any problems, remember that. What's changed, is you, how you feel. And it's going to take a while to adjust.

    Are all the sweet words (unusually of recent times solicitous) a lie - is it gratitude or is it a continuation of his fantasy of how he would like to be treated?
    Not really. Well, not always. He seems to enjoy his role in life as a guy; as you say, he's always been a manly man. But he wants to be able to oh, 'let his hair down' sometimes, so to speak. He should be able to do this without everyone else feeling like it's some sort of betrayal. It's his life, too. Just like women didn't want to be stuck being only 'Suzy homemaker' and wanted to branch out and have careers, lots of guys want to live part of our lives as women do. Note I said PART. We're not, well, not most of us anyway, not gay or transsexual.

    'We just want to feel and do some of the same things that you do': Women have been saying that to men for years. Now it's time to face that men sometimes feel the reverse. And a lot of women can't handle that. But it's very real.

    I felt so protected and now I don't know how to react.
    And there it is. Insecurity rears its head. Women rely on men for protection. Now you might wonder if he's 'less of a man', perhaps someone who might not protect you when the situation requires it, might not take his male responsibilities seriously anymore. Was there ever any indication that he would do that before? Probably not. As you said, he was always a manly man. He still is.

    So now to my shame ... My 13 year old son has just called me out for being a bitch to my partner - I have been - angry I guess and confused - and I think I have cause to be but perhaps not academically but emotionally.
    You're venting. Right now, he appears to be the source of your problems, when in reality, it's only your perception of who and what he is that's actually changed. But you didn't mention if the kids know he crossdresses.

    I question everything about us - was it me every romantic gesture or just part of his fantasy for him? I honestly think the latter.
    So at this point, you're going through questioning everything in your relationship. Don't. Again, he loves you and is still the same guy you've always known. He's just playing out a role he didn't feel free to do before.

    I would never out him so have to suck up the resentment and my feelings to cover for him.
    This is what pretty much everyone goes through when we suddenly have some big secret dumped on us, that we can't talk about with anyone else. You're going to need to lean on him or someone else or it will eat away at you. I write HIM because he's the obvious choice, even though you probably feel like you can't trust him right now. Perhaps write to the wives of crossdressers here to vent some more (I see Reine has already jumped on board), and find ways that they have successfully used to deal with finding out that their husband crossdressed.

    Be the bitch because he is the one being super super everything.
    He'll probably understand. That's why he's trying to be so nice. He probably knows how this can affect you.

    I am having a wine and thought about topping that off with some sleeping pills I had saved just to make this whole thing go away. But I would never do that not least because of the kids and my brave Son who had the guts to call me out for being a bitch or my beautiful daughter who frustrated me so much this morning. I would never let that be their last memory of me.
    Please don't. If you get to that point, go or call to an E.R. and talk to them. There's always a crisis counselor on call you can talk to somewhere.

    I don't know how to communicate this with him. I don't want to scare him into the closet.
    Well, he's out to you now. Whether he stops crossdressing and whatever else, now you know what he really feels. There's no going back in the closet for him. You can choose to ignore it, though, if you force him to go back to denying what he feels. Doesn't usually work well, though.

    Is he gay? Does he want to live as a woman
    Probably no to both of those. But there's no way to know unless he's already gone through all his self discovery. You'll only know by talking to him about this. And, don't be surprised if now that he's admitted his desires to you, he 'suddenly' wants to dress up more and express female behaviors more. It's simply like having a dam break and all the water coming out at once. It will settle down again. He's now 'venting' all the female feelings and behaviors that he's held back for well, probably all of his life. As far as the kids, and other people, try to keep it under control. Keep it between the two of you.

    What about the kids.
    Not sure as it isn't clear whether they already know or not.

    so here I am sitting on the backstep with a glass of wine and tears blurring my words and not even able to check out of this mess.
    Life is messy. You'll get through. You have plenty of support here, let the wives of the guys here help you. I'm sure a few will soon chip in.

    Edit. I had to add this, because you probably don't know. You husband had most likely gone over this in his head a thousand, ten thousand times. We all want to believe that all the good things about us will out weigh the 'little' bad thing that we are crossdressers. I did. I really believed that my wife would be ok with it. At the time, i had no idea how it would screw up how she felt about me sexually, about all her own insecurities, even to the point of making her question her own sexuality. I had no idea of how big a deal breaker it was for her. Your husband probably doesn't know any of these things about you, either. When you do sit down and talk, try not to get angry, because it won't help at all. Perhaps write everything down, and present it to him (and he back to you) in print. Just make sure to destroy the papers you write (or emails, or IM's, whatever) so that there is no evidence of any of this anyone else can find.

    Alex
    Last edited by sometimes_miss; 01-20-2016 at 07:31 PM.
    Some causes of crossdressing you've probably never even considered: My TG biography at:http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...=1#post1490560
    There's an addendum at post # 82 on that thread, too. It's about a ten minute read.
    Why don't we understand our desire to dress, behave and feel like a girl? Because from childhood, boys are told that the worst possible thing we can be, is a sissy. This feeling is so ingrained into our psyche, that we will suppress any thoughts that connect us to being or wanting to be feminine, even to the point of creating separate personalities to assign those female feelings into.

  10. #10
    Silver Member Rhonda Jean's Avatar
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    You'll get plenty of heartfelt advice. Despite the obvious similarities of those of us on this board, we also have vast differences. You shouldn't think that everything you'll read here and elsewhere about crossdressers applies to your husband. Sort carefully.

    Listen to Reine. You could not find anyone with more grass roots knowledge on this subject from a SO's standpoint.

    You say you now question everything about your relationship. As I read your post, I have to admit I could see some of me in your description. I sounds a lot worse coming from your perspective. I regret many of the things I've done. When I was married I was WAAAAY further out there than you describe him, but I'll assure you that my love for my wife (now ex) was absolutely genuine. I could not have loved her more. It wasn't because she indulged my crossdressing. I'm not at all that shallow. Reading your post I can see how it might have sometimes been interpreted that way. That's terribly unfortunate.

    You and he are such distinct opposites on this that it'll certainly be difficult to find acceptable middle ground. I think it can be done. My wife and I found ways to make it work for a long time. It's not all on you to always give in.

    I've been doing this my whole life. I didn't adequately appreciate the tolerance, the acceptance, the encouragement, and the latitude I was given along the way. I was just being me, and really didn't realize the depth of the issues that some of those close to me had with it. It's a fundamental part of me and I'm sure it colors everything in my life, but I've never felt that it did so in a bad way. I'm not a bad person by any conceivable measure, yet to some I am, just because of the way I dress. I don't know if your husband is a good person or a bad person, but those things stand on their own, aside from his being a crossdresser.

    He probably doesn't have a realistic perspective on the things he's doing. He certainly doesn't have yours. I can look back on a multitude of crossdressing related things I've done and wonder what the hell I was thinking. This is a powerful force we deal with.

    There are few absolutes in this, but one of them is that if your relationship is to survive this you both MUST communicate about it. That cannot be over-emphasized. That'll be difficult for both of you, but it has to be done. That doesn't mean fighting about it. At least not always! I think if you're both open about it it's likely you'll both find positives. Communication about it will get easier the more you do it.

    I hope you're able to work it out. I hate to see relationships go down the drain because of this.

  11. #11
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    Dear Brown Eyed,

    I think that your best investment right now is to find a good and competent counsellor who will enable you both to talk this through and work out solutions.
    Making expensive purchases and misusing alcohol will not solve anything and will probably make things worse.

    You are not a loser and you don't have to take any blame for anything. Find that counsellor soon.

    Keep talking on this site and let your feelings come out here. Many here have experienced what is happening to you and will be able to advise and help.
    I wish you all the best of everything.

  12. #12
    Senior Member UNDERDRESSER's Avatar
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    One thing I want to add to my earlier comments.

    YOU, are not "at fault" here. Is he? Possibly, definitely he is being blind in some ways. You should not be feeling guilty, or ashamed, or any negative thing about the way you are feeling, but it's almost certain you will need some help dealing with it. Please do seek out a good counsellor or therapist. If you feel you can't, then stay in communication on here, and there will be lots of help and support, not as much or as accurate as from a professional, and it will be necessary to filter out the stuff that doesn't apply.
    "Normal is what you get when you average out the weirdness that everybody has." Quote from my SO

    Normal is a setting on a washing machine, or another word for average.

    The fact that I wear a skirt as a male should not be taken as a comment on what you do, or do not wear, or how you wear it.

  13. #13
    GG ReineD's Avatar
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    Ooops, I missed that part of it too. You are definitely not at fault here. Just please be honest with him about how you feel, it's the only way to get through this in the long term. You cannot go on like this.

    Also, I need to add that statistically, only a small percentage of people in this community do end up realizing they are not crossdressers and are instead transsexual (transwomen) who want to transition. Those who have gone down that path though, tend to believe it is a possibility for everyone else, or they share their personal experience as if it may apply to crossdressers, and so I would keep this in mind when reading their posts. No doubt you will eventually ask your partner if he wants to be a woman. Please believe him when he says no. My SO's crossdressing activities expanded so quickly within the first year or so after we met (I was accepting of his right to express himself from the onset and he had no constraints), that I listened to too many people here and convinced myself that he might transition, despite his telling me repeatedly that he wasn't. This put a serious crimp in our relationship for awhile. Eventually everything came full circle for us and now there is good balance.
    Reine

  14. #14
    Transgender Person Pat's Avatar
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    Wow.

    My two cents:

    First, about fault: nobody is at fault here. Don't be feeling guilty about your past don't be feeling responsible for his. If you're wondering if he's gay, ask him. If you're wondering if he wants to transition, ask him. Believe what he tells you but leave the door open for amended discussion later. He may well not know the answers.

    What I'm reading sounds like he's on a high thinking he has the most awesome situation at the moment -- let him down gently or there may be resentment. Explain that you don't find crossdressing to be sexually stimulating (most crossdressers hope their mates will and while in the pink fog can't see any reason why they wouldn't.) Crossdressers have various "modes" some stay stuck in one, some move from one to another. The mode you describe sound fetishistic and it could be that that's what he is, or it could be that he's been so repressed for a long time that this is like froth coming off a bottle of champagne. It may well be that if he finds a way to express his feminine side he'll calm down. One way you could enable that is to allow/encourage him to get in touch with the side while presenting male. Maybe that means wearing women's underclothing beneath street clothes maybe it means wearing women's jeans on a daily basis (really, unless you go to the ones with fancy back pockets, nobody can tell the difference.) Maybe it's just learning to react and express himself with deference to his inner feminine. Sometimes we call this "mixed presentation" where there's some maleness and some femaleness at all times.

    Consider that he's the same person he's always been. He may have been hiding his fem feelings for years out of shame or fear, but those feelings have been in there and were a part of the personality that you were initially attracted to. If you could help him find a way to bring those feelings out in a way that leaves you comfortable with his behavior the you'll both benefit.

    Kids -- kids care about themselves, not about their parents. No matter what you do or who you are they will find reasons to be embarrassed about you and reasons to think you guys are awesome. This is just one more thing. The bigger worry with a blended family is exes. If the kids are informed or suspect word will travel back to the exes and the grandparents. To mix a metaphor, you have to be willing to handle the fallout if you let this cat out of the bag. It probably depends on a lot of factors but kids these days seem amazingly accepting of transgender issues. Your 13 year old may know more about the topic than you or your husband. I was greatly amused when my son (in high school at the time) sat me down to explain about his friend who was transitioning from female to male. Everyone at the school was totally supportive and he wanted to make sure I was in line.

    Good luck with this.

  15. #15
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jennie-cd View Post
    First, about fault: nobody is at fault here. Don't be feeling guilty about your past don't be feeling responsible for his. If you're wondering if he's gay, ask him. If you're wondering if he wants to transition, ask him. Believe what he tells you but leave the door open for amended discussion later. He may well not know the answers.

    What I'm reading sounds like he's on a high thinking he has the most awesome situation at the moment
    Pretty much my thinking.

    Whether or not he's TS is up in the air. Maybe he is 'just' a CD. But even if he is thinking of transitioning, once you've told him about your concerns, he may deny it just to spare you further hurt. He may not even know. I think Paula's right that if he's ever exhibited 'extreme emotional distress' that could be an indicator, but that's not a certainty, nor is the fact that he may not have exhibited such behaviour. Chances are he isn't TS, but this situation may evolve and, again, counselling is probably a necessity. Similarly, chances are that he isn't gay. One thing I will say - regardless of what you now know about him, if he's been a good husband so far, he'll probably continue to be one.

    As far as his reaction goes, he's probably so happy that you've (apparently) accepted him and he's just reveling in it. There definitely needs to be some calm discussion about all of this. Counselling with a therapist who understands CD/gender issues is probably a necessity for you both.

    Best of luck to you both.

  16. #16
    Ice queen Lorileah's Avatar
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    a few words or phrases every person should know AND use.

    "I really don't understand this and I don't want to be part of it." This doesn't mean you are through with them, just that you and he don't see eye to eye

    "I am very uncomfortable with this" which should mean back off, right now I am confused or scared

    "You are doing things ( or going into places) I don't feel good about"

    "This has come to a point where I don't want to be part of it" Again, not ending the relationship but the scene...if you are allowing role playing.

    "Stop" and this word should end it right there. If they push, go somewhere away from them. If they follow, say it again. If they don't...someone needs to leave the area.

    You have your right to boundaries. He doesn't have the right to cross them. There is no fault except if you ask that he respect your limits and he refuses. Then it is HIS fault. Remember you don't have to like EVERYTHING he likes or does. You worry about what will happen to the children if you break up. Probably it will be better for them in contrast to the tension and anger you two have now.

    And PLEASE if thoughts of ending it all are still with you, walk away and get some help so you can work through it. Thinking it is not unusual, considering and setting things up to act on it is. It won't solve anything.
    The earth is the mother of all people and all people should have equal rights upon it.
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    “Love isn't a state of perfect caring. It is an active noun like struggle. To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now.” - Fred Rogers,

  17. #17
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    Your answer is clear and simple: talk about it. You need to be honest with him and he you. It's ok that you don't like it. My wife doesn't "like" that I am a cross dresser, she accepts it. There is a huge difference between those two. You can accept him and not remotely participate. Both are ok.

    The magic cure for you and him is conversation. Total honestly. Ask every question you have (gay? trans?, etc). Listen to him. Then spell out what you are comfortable with in regards to his cross dressing.

    best of luck

  18. #18
    GerriJerry Gerrijerry's Avatar
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    First of all, see a counselor. It will help to just talk to another person without telling anyone who will tell anyone else.
    Second, you may learn to accept that part of him by talking about it to him and making rules that can work for both of you. That is not a forever rule as things change over time.
    Once you feel better with talking to the counselor he or she may ask to talk to both of you. That also will help your husband and you understand more about each others feelings.
    Overtime things will change. Can't say for better or worse. However the only way to really handle the problem is talking to a professional counselor who understands about gender problems. Ask before you start with the counsel if they do.
    My wife and I did. It took several years for us to decide how to handle many problems. So we could both be happy. Over many more years things got much better for both of us. We still are together, still love each other, and sometimes still go back to the counselor to talk things thru.
    TO OVER WEIGHT TO POST A PHOTO, MY wife tells me I look like I am pregnant

  19. #19
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    Been concerned about the OP all day. Maybe someone less freaky could PM her and make sure she's okay?

  20. #20
    Aspiring Member MelanieAnne's Avatar
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    Everyone in here who is even remotely thinking about coming out needs to read this!

  21. #21
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    To know what NOT to do to your wife, Melanie

  22. #22
    Miss Judy Judy-Somthing's Avatar
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    Do you or did you love him up until his confession?

    If so don't be to hard on him. The statistics say that one at least one in twenty do this.

    You think when I'm putting down a hardwood floor and looking scruffy that people think I like dressing as a woman?

    I consider myself a nice person, I like myself. if he's not a good person and you can't deal with it, that's up to you to decide.

    So he has some issues, don't we all?
    "This is ME" I am not CRAZY, I'm just a GUY who likes dresses!
    Since allot of men dress up in woman's clothing that makes it a manly thing to do!
    Much more fun than fishing.
    I do construction like house building and I love CD-ing, what's the difference?

  23. #23
    GG ReineD's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Judy-Somthing View Post
    If so don't be to hard on him. The statistics say that one at least one in twenty do this.
    I agree with not being too hard on him (I don't think the OP plans to), but your number seems extremely high. Can you post your source?
    Reine

  24. #24
    Miss Judy Judy-Somthing's Avatar
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    Of course it's very hard to get accurate figures, One sight I found interesting was www.crossdreamers.com

    Growing up in my neighborhood was very interesting, out of seven guys and five girls. thee guys did some cross-dressing, I don't know if they're still doing it.

    Two guys went Guy and are now married to guys, one guy is bi and two girls were experimenting-bi. Let's jest say it was a crazy fun time.

    And I guess that's why I'm, confused?
    Last edited by Judy-Somthing; 01-20-2016 at 10:39 PM. Reason: confused
    "This is ME" I am not CRAZY, I'm just a GUY who likes dresses!
    Since allot of men dress up in woman's clothing that makes it a manly thing to do!
    Much more fun than fishing.
    I do construction like house building and I love CD-ing, what's the difference?

  25. #25
    Member donnaS's Avatar
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    BrownEyed
    Thank you so much for posting your story
    I read this to my wife. I had a gut feeling that she felt this way, but she wouldn't admit it. It was right on spot. She finally opened up to me. We finally agreed that our relationship is not that of a man and woman. She still sees me as her husband. Although I feel as if I am in a female to female relationship. Our intimacy has been affected. But we also agreed to just let what happens, happen. We both love each other deeply. Never meant this to happen. I tried to tell her I was different than other men before we married. But I never explained exactly what that meant. And her idea of what I was talking about was way in left field.
    She really feels bad for you. She hopes you seek help to deal with you wanting an excess of pills and wine.
    We have agreed to stay together. I pushed her away at first. To the point of telling her to just leave. She has known about this 2 months into the marriage. We dated 1yr before getting married.
    I just couldn't stand to see her stay in the marriage and be miserable, just because she didn't want a failed marriage. It would be easier to see her go than her give this a try and waste a few years of her life finally realizing it's not what she could handle.
    We have agreed that I can find meetings and other people to socialize with wherever that might be.
    The pink fog does take over and I have experienced that. I can only imagine what my wife was going thru. I have apologized
    So many times for what I have done to her. But it is not going to stop. I tried. It's me. My wife has helped me realize that. This is me. And she has stated that I'm totally different when I'm dressed and Donna. My personality totally to the tender, positive attitude and enjoy life more side.
    So as for now? My wife has said to just live. Live life, it's short, be happy. I am who I am. She can't change that and I can't change her. But we can be happy together. Be happy for each other in where ever life leads us.

    Hugs
    DonnaS
    Last edited by donnaS; 01-20-2016 at 11:01 PM.

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