Request for stories about SO's going from DADT to open and accepting.

[Julie1123]

My gf and I are doing really well with our DADT arrangement, although it's not ideal. I would love to be able to share this with her but she's said that ever since she was a kid crossdressers have made her uncomfortable. Couldn't even watch Ms. Doubtfire when she was little. In the past, she's always gone a bit quiet whenever something containing crossdressing has come on the tv but recently things seem to be shifting. Twice now she's mentioned that she likes the movie Kinky Boots. The other day she asked me if she could move some of her clothes into my dresser as she was running out of room in her's. When I told her that my dresser was full as well she remarked, "How do you have more clothes than I do?" I just kind of raised an eyebrow and said, "Well those drawers have guy clothes in them and the other drawers have..." and let it trail off. She replied after a moment, "Other clothes?" and I nodded and she said, "Ah." There was no change in mood though, she was still happy and engaged in what we were presently doing. It was great. Earlier this week, I made a comment about how I thought our waitresses' makeup was bad. She started telling me about how it should be put on and I swear there was a "If you ever have to put it on..." in there but I'm hard of hearing and it might be wishful thinking on my part.

So to get the point. I'm not looking to expedite anything, definitely going to let her come around at her own pace if that is indeed what she is doing. I would like to hear some stories though about people who's SO's have gone from DADT to being open about it. Stuff like, how it happened? Were there small changes apparent or did it come out of the blue? I know everyone's situation is different and what happened for others might not happen for me but something about shared joy and all.

[Jenniferathome]

Julie, my wife has been accepting from day one but I wanted to comment on DADT in general. Firstly, yours seems to be a situation of being open (clothes in the drawers that can be seen) but just not talk about it. I think this is the problem with DADT or simply "don't talk." How do you know things are ok if you don't talk about it?

Given your girlfriend knows what's in your dresser drawers, I would advise trying to talk about your cross dressing. You do not have to throw it in her face, but something like, "Baby, I know you know I am a cross dresser. I appreciate that about you, but I never really know where I stand because we don't talk about it. I'd like to know your concerns, fears, assumptions, whatever, so I can make sure that I don't make you uncomfortable. Can we talk about this?" Or something like that.

Good luck,

[Julie1123]

Hi Jennifer. Thanks for the reply and the concern. We discussed all of that stuff when I first told her I was starting to like wearing women's clothes several years ago. Thanks to everybody here, we were able to cover pretty much all the topics you mention before we put the DADT into effect. We also both promised that if things changed in how we felt about it or what we needed that we would talk about it and not bury it.

[SHY KIM]

Hi Julie
My situation has been pleasant but also a bit of a rollercoaster. I introduced my CD self to my wife before we married (18/19 yrs old/ over 30 yrs ago)
Things were less involved then (panties, nylons etc...) After we married I slowly grew in my desire to be able to go completely en femm (3-4 times a year) she was on board and participated (never totally liked that phase though). Then after about 10 years our kids started getting older and it was harder to participate and she started to not like the femm mode at all. I closed shop. Never lost the desire, but had to be dad first.
About three years ago I brought up that I'd like to start bringing Kim back once in a while. DID NOT GO OVER WELL. I NEVER BROUGHT IT UP SINCE. AND I can't do it on the sneak (she didn't mind panties and nylons etc... - just not the whole en femme Kim).
I waited a while and just recently asked her if she wanted to hear my whole story. After learning that it started at 5yrs old and grew with me over the years she realized it isn't some "kink thing to get off on" as much as it's a PART OF ME that needs to live. She now supports me, is helping me in some ways, but isn't ready to see Kim yet. At least not until I can present more passably.

My advice: Always be honest, don't hide the truth, tell her your WHOLE STORY, be sincere and most importantly, put yourself in her shoes so you appreciate her perspective as well!

Good luck!

[Heidi Stevens]

Hey Julie, I'm 2 years in on a DADT agreement with my wife of 27 years. I really should have told her at the start, but I already knew that it would kill the relationship. Finally after years of struggle and grief, I told her in the middle of a conversation on Gay Marriage (that's another story). She gave me the third degree on my dressing and public activity. I was always truthful and straight forward in my answers. Her religious background set her mind and response. After a few rough nights we came up with the DADT agreement. That's where we started in May of 2014.

Since then I've been given the freedom to explore Heidi as long as I kept every thing from my wife. As time has passed, we have both changed mindsets. In November of 2014, I came to the conclusion I was transgender. Therapy in early 2015 would confirm my conclusion. I kept my wife in the loop the whole time. She still didn't like things, but began to show more tolerance and show her love for me even though she still wanted nothing to do with it.

So to solve the gender dysphoria, I started HRT in March 2015, but held my dosage at a level where I feel great but should not have too much physical change. She's known and has learned that the HRT has changed my personality and demeanor enough that she likes the difference. The one change that I couldn't hide was the minor breast growth. She considers this a minor "distraction" and has even lately teased me about my moobs. Guess that's some progress.

A big change in her attitude was just last weekend. We were on a weekend trip and stopped into a favorite boutique in Hot Springs. She has accepted the fact I have better fashion sense and loves to bounce ideas off me and I help find stuff for her when we shop. Even the owner noticed this. Now as you guessed, I'm looking for Heidi just as much for her. I had found an interesting top that might work for a fancy dinner. My wife knows that I know her style. This top was NOT her style! As I'm looking it over, she leans in as says "you want me to get that for you?". I first thanked her for the offer, but the top was too small. Second, I was surprised in her asking.

Maybe after taking my time, staying true to my word and working hard to show my love perhaps I'm headed toward a bit of a thawing in her objections to expressing who I am. She's the only reason I'm not on the road to finishing the transition, so I will continue to work on our relationship and continue to hope things get better. So far it's slow going but making progress!

[mykell]

OK ill bite,
2yrs this month that she knows....first year was egg shells...off color comments on certain subjects or current events that came up, CJ....TV show subjects what have you.
after about a year i needed to talk about things that were not discussed after the initial reveal so how.....
http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...!!!&highlight=

took the advise and had a conversation, like you i never pushed it past the point of comfort, at her pace i guess....at present i have a forum friend which i communicate with by phone and or text, pflag meetings some dressed, finally asked about our locked office closet, my "stuff" locked for privacy from peering adolescents asking those uncomfortable questions, have shaved my legs (big deal for me as ive wanted to since it grew in) this being 2 out of 3 items when i had my conversation a year ago....only the photo shoot to go and that is a question mostly of negative finance for us at present....after a poor turn out with a christmas party i attended i asked about starting a meet-up, we spoke of this earlier and she approved and its now a done deal.

so i think its safe to say we are past DADT, she does not want to see it, she does not want to participate, asked her to go to the christmas gathering several times and she declined (i thought it might be close though) she still has her worries and the biggest problem for me is that she does not take any advantage of support that is out there. she did admit to looking at some things online finally, though she did not say what....

so it takes work, add in some love and education and for me its good now, definitely helps my self esteem that the one i care about the most cares enough to try....

thats my story and im sticking to it....

[Tina_gm]

Wow, a couple of replies on here are similar to some of the things I have experienced in my marriage. One thing at least for me, is that if anyone has a wife that does not want to talk much about it, and mine is one who doesn't, agree to have one big discussion about it, then agree that when or if something changes for either of you, accept the outcome of the discussion as gospel and stick with it. I find that for me, and my wife has made comments in reflection of this, is big drawn out discussions tend to not help. Small mini convos maybe, minor comments here and there, sometimes added with comedy to keep the chat low key and stress free.

Most women love to talk and talk more, most guys not so much. We I think inherently are in the more camp, part of our feminine nature perhaps. But, not all women are big talkers. My wife tends to be one that is not a big talker of issues. She even knows that when it comes to stuff like this, she is more like a typical male and I am more like a typical female. My wife hates gossip with a passion. She holds things in with the best of them. Prying it out of her with a verbal crowbar can and has backfired on me more than once.


When it comes to changes made with my wife on a more accepting level, I can't say I was ever in a true DADT arrangement. But I have been and am in an arrangement that doesn't very often do deep with the issue. I do not dress in her presence, except for once this Halloween, which she insisted that would be ok for her since it was Holloween, but later admitted it was harder for her than she thought it would be.

Overall though, she is actually more accepting of IT in general. The casual conversation of it has gotten way easier. She used to have a hard time with me being in the women's section of stores with her, now she doesn't mind it at all. She will now ask me and takes my opinions seriously about how she looks, what looks good on her. She is ok with me and even said things like, you are way better at the sentimental girly stuff for choosing cards and writing thank notes, or words of condolence. She will now openly ask me if I need some time to myself, or just say I am going to give you some time to yourself. She has given me a few girly gifts. This Christmas I got some very girly nail files, and a bright pink soap sponge thingy. Those things did not happen at first. And the talks we had at first, long or short were tense and sometimes leaning toward hostile.

[Helen 2]

My wife and I have a 34+ year plus DADT relationship and it's worked well for both of us. She knew about Helen before we married as I was not going to hide this secret from her and....while not 'accepting' in the sense she will participate, she's okay with Helen playing when she is traveling or away from home because after seeing Helen twice, she's made it clear that she does not want to see Helen again.

Other than borrowing hosiery a few times and a recent borrowing of a lipstick color she did not have, little is commented on my CD'ing. Did I hope or wish that would change over time so that perhaps she would become more accepting and participating? Of course! Have I resigned myself that it will not ever happen? Of course as well..

[JamieG]

I've talked quite a lot about my wife on this forum, a search through my posts here can give you the complete history. But here's the Cliffs Notes: I came out to her about 14 years ago. It did not go well. After a tense month or two, we reached a detente, and basically entered a DADT phase. There were a few minor breaks to the DADT thing: she dressed me up once just so she could see if she could stomach it, then we went to a Halloween party with me in drag. Still, most of the time we would not talk about it. I went off to my support group. I told her what it was once, and then would just refer to is as "my meetings." I think two things helped in her becoming more accepting. One, we were invited to holiday party by a fellow crossdresser and his wife. My wife was very nervous, thinking we might be going to something very strange. But she ended up really liking everybody we met at the party (note, none of the GMs were en femme), and some of the CD+partner couples we met there have become dear friends of ours. The second thing was one night I was scheduled to go out to my regular meeting and had been looking forward to it for months. However, my wife was very sick that evening. She told me to go ahead and go anyway, cause she knew how much I was looking forward to it. However, I didn't want to leave her to put the kids to bed alone, and decided to delay my departure. I got the kids bathed and tucked in, tucked in my wife and left two hours later than I had planned. I think my wife was very touched that I put her comfort over my crossdressing. Sometimes our wives need to be shown (as opposed to told) that they they still come first. I still rarely dress in front of my wife, but we can talk about dressing with good humor. She's seen my Flickr photos and has called me beautiful. She and I once went shopping together for Jamie and she has occasionally bought femme presents for me.

[Greenie]

Hi!

I am a wife of a CDer. So this might help you hearing my side. I was told about the Cding. Sort of. About 4 ish years ago. I was told about panties and panty hose and lipstick. I went and bought luke some underwear and then said here you go. And didn't want to talk about it any more. DADT was not a good option for us. I turned into a weird person. I knew where he his his stuff and would look there to see when it had been moved among many other things. Because as much as I said I didn't want to know. I just was uncomfortable talking about it. Obviously I wanted to know. How it went from DADT to lets talk about it was kind of an explosion. And I don't recommend. I would come out of bed at night and see him looking at shoe websites at high heel shoes. And I would get upset because, THATS more than panties. What are you not telling me. My head would be in a whirl wind.

I woke up one day and he left a window open on the computer with some CD porn on it. I freaked out. Cried. Threatened ultimatum's. Etc. We finally talked about what CDing actually was, what it meant, and what he needed. I then went shopping and bought him a pair of jeans and a cute top that I thought would fit him. For me. Taking control of some of the outfits that I was going to see for a little while helped. Mind you. We talked about this and how it would be a better way for me. Now Luke CD's once a week in front of me. I help him with his makeup, and he goes to a local support group so often they have asked him to be a facilitator.

Our process was rocky. And felt fast to me and slow to him My advice is that a complete DADT doesnt work, because there isn't a sudden change of heart. Its gradual. I really needed the step by step approach to get to where we are today. Not sure how to best integrate it in ways that work for your SO. Sounds like little sprinkles here and there are probably a good start.

[EllenJo]

My wife has known that I had a thing for women's clothing 20 years ago, when we met. I loved panties and wore them daily. She thought this was cute and encouraged it. She and I would shop for panties together and often wear matching panties on any given day. However she wanted nothing to do with anything else. Truthfully we had a very good physical relationship and she did not wish to see me totally en femme. Since I traveled for my job this was not an issue. When home we were in bed together and I didn't care and when on the road I could become Ellen Jo and often talked to the wife on the phone while fully dressed, she knew this but we never discussed it.

Our physical activities suddenly stopped 4 years ago when she developed heart issues on top of everything else. Three years ago she suddenly set me down and brought up the subject of my crossdressing. She said that if I wanted to dress at home it was fine with her as long as I did not use make up or a wig when she is around. She stated that she knew it made me happy and that she had found my stash more than once and said that I had good taste in clothes. She had me put on an outfit and show her how I looked. I choose a denim skirt with a pink 3/4 sleeve blouse and a pair of navy blue flats. She stated that I looked good in pink and that I should ad more pastel colors to my male wardrobe. I have worn a skirt daily ever since except when we have company staying over. I ask her opinion of my outfits. I never leave the house in a skirt or dress, but I do wear female jeans about half the time. I have my clothes in the closet with my male things. I must say that i am careful about the pink fog. I make certain that she knows she is the woman of the house, I am the lucky guy in a skirt and heels that takes care of the house.

In my case she changed her mind due to her inability to continue the physical aspect of our marriage. Basically because of her diminished physical needs she no longer needs to see me as her masculine man and is willing to indulge my dressing. She states that she likes the calming effect it has on me, she says that I am more attentive to her when dressed. This is just one guys situation, all women are different and all of them react differently to seeing their man in their clothes.
Hugs
Ellen Jo