Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast
Results 1 to 25 of 54

Thread: Cheating?

  1. #1
    Member donnaS's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2015
    Location
    Alabama
    Posts
    125

    Cheating?

    If your wife refuses to have a sex life with you after coming out to her and you look else where for intimacy. Is that considered cheating? I am who I am. Don't mean for her to fill like a lesbian. But won't to go on HRT.
    And transition to a certain level. But I still need
    Intimacy.
    Compromising is not possible with her. Says she's not changing. I have offered to be in drab mode for intimacy, but she says it's hard to tell between the two. She says the female side is stronger in the bedroom.
    Feeling really guilty for wanting to be who I am, I'm just me.

  2. #2
    Banned Read only
    Join Date
    Aug 2015
    Location
    South Dakota
    Posts
    633
    Yes it's cheating. You want to bang someone else get a divorce. Otherwise use your hand and be happy.

  3. #3
    Aspiring Member Joni T's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2007
    Location
    The OC
    Posts
    746
    This^^^^^^. Or get permission from your wife to find it elsewhere. You have a huge decision to make. Do you want a wife or just a bed mate?
    Jon

  4. #4
    Junior Member Kimberley May's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2015
    Location
    Northamptonshire, UK
    Posts
    84
    If my wife banned sex permanently regardless of being in guy mode or not, even if I quit it, then something isn't right and I would be concerned about my marriage. Is she happy to remain celibate within the marriage and have no sex life at all forever?, is it until she can trust you to never go back to crossdressing?, or is there a possibility that she is now seeking sex elsewhere herself? I hate to say it, but to lose sexual interest in you maybe regardless of mode, is it a possibility that she may be the one who's cheating, or at least looking for a way out of the marriage now?

    I only ask because it's such an obvious question for others (like me) who doesn't know your situation. I hope you can resolve this and save your marriage.
    Last edited by Kimberley May; 01-28-2016 at 11:15 AM.
    Gurlz they wanna have fu'hun. Oh gurlz just wanna have fu'hun x

  5. #5
    Silver Member Tina_gm's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    Posts
    2,615
    Unless you come to an agreement with her that she accepts you having intimacy with another person, then yes, it is cheating. Here is another example of why us revealing later on becomes so bad for us. Your wife had an image of you, thought to believe of who you are, only for you to change all that. You may not have changed yourself, but you changed in her eyes. When things go south with ways like intimacy, we really only have ourselves to blame. We do this to ourselves by not being fully honest about who we are. Now, your intimacy is gone. I feel for you, I really do. Now you must decide where your priorities lie, and it certainly must be a very hard and painful decision to make. To stay in your current situation, with a woman whom I am sure you clearly love dearly and do not wish to leave. You do have the right to be who you really are. To leave your wife to be that is not wrong. To compromise severely so that you stay with her is not wrong, you just have to learn how to deal with it. To try to have it both ways and go on yet another round of lies and cover up behavior, IMO, that is wrong.
    Chickens should be allowed to cross the road without having their motives questioned

  6. #6
    Member donnaS's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2015
    Location
    Alabama
    Posts
    125
    I agree with y'all. But also was told she wouldn't have married me if she knew about all this before we said I do.
    I know I'm a butt head for not disclosing this info ahead of time.
    I don't want a divorce over me being who I am. The guilt would be overwhelming. After all she didn't expect or ask for this.
    Just really miss the feel and connection to that special person and long for it badly. Something you won't get in a bed mate.
    Yes there is possibly someone out there who might be more accepting and want a TG. But that is the million dollar jack pot that some here on the forum are looking for.

  7. #7
    Silver Member Tina_gm's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    Posts
    2,615
    Perhaps there is some way in which you can bring the man she married into the bedroom? Or maybe not at this point, as she feels you are just not that man now. I sympathize deeply with you. Perhaps a big discussion could be had with the both of you to see if there is a way to rekindle the romance. Perhaps, offer a total break for her of all CD related things. Can you at least for a time, just be the man she married? or show her only the guy side? I really hate this aspect of the life so many of us lead. I don't deal with it on an intimacy level as you are, but there are ways in which my marriage is going through a similar aspect.
    Chickens should be allowed to cross the road without having their motives questioned

  8. #8
    Silver Member Amy Lynn3's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2007
    Location
    North Carolina
    Posts
    2,161
    Donna, I'll not go into the why's and why not's, so I'll answer your question this way. Yes, sex outside of the marriage is cheating, regardless of the reason. If your wife found out about it, she would have legal grounds for a divorce. Divorce cost in so many ways, for both parties, especially you. Have you ever heard this ? It is cheaper to keep her. Lots of truth there.

    If I were you I feel I would ask her if she, along with yourself, would seek professional counseling. It is, in my opinion the only thing that will bring life back into the marriage. If she is not open to that, maybe think about going alone. You must try something, don't stay in the mindset you are in now.

  9. #9
    Member donnaS's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2015
    Location
    Alabama
    Posts
    125
    I bought this really nice ring for her at Christmas. I got a really good deal on it.
    Huge rock huge!
    I didn't like her wedding ring she had.
    I figured any girl would want something like this. Guess I was wrong, said she didn't want it. I know it's her choice but I'd die if someone gave me a wedding ring like that.
    I don't know, so frustrated. I'm couple years you get than her. She claims age is the factor, her body has changed for the worse in the intimacy catergory. But we have been together just two years and married for one year. I feel so pretty dressed and crave to be touched. But on the other hand, she wants to feel the strong hold of a man. And the security.
    It's funny how we want the same thing, but neither can give it.
    Thank you for your advice. It will work out.
    We never know the future. Just take it day by day.

    [SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

    It's like in the movie Danish Girl.
    You both want what you can't have.
    So what do you do.
    They kinda went thier separate ways while still married. Until the government annulled the marriage after SRS.
    I can't guarantee I can be the man she married. I'm ready to transition partially.
    Gosh, I'm an emotional roller coaster.
    She didn't ask for any of this. But I didn't ask to TG either. So the trillion dollar question, How did two people like this end up together?

  10. #10
    Banned Read only
    Join Date
    Aug 2015
    Location
    South Dakota
    Posts
    633
    Quote Originally Posted by donnaS View Post
    I agree with y'all. But also was told she wouldn't have married me if she knew about all this before we said I do.
    Right. And if you had been honest with her on day one you wouldn't be putting her through this misery.


    I know I'm a butt head for not disclosing this info ahead of time.
    Yes, yes you are.


    I don't want a divorce over me being who I am. The guilt would be overwhelming. After all she didn't expect or ask for this.
    1: That option may be taken out of your hands.

    2: That's something you'll have to live with.

    3: That's right, she didn't.


    Just really miss the feel and connection to that special person and long for it badly. Something you won't get in a bed mate.
    Yes well, you chose to lie to that "special person" so if she doesn't want to touch you anymore you're going to have to deal with it.


    It's funny how we want the same thing, but neither can give it.
    I've said it before and I'll say it again, your wife wants a man who looks like a man not a dude who looks like a lady.

    And I wouldn't bring up counseling. She didn't bring this on.


    My words might seem harsh but *shrug* they're the truth

  11. #11
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2015
    Location
    Ireland
    Posts
    64
    Maybe she feels you were trying to buy her acceptance with that ring? I'd be pretty annoyed if my husband told me after only 2 years that he didn't like my engagement/wedding ring (as ye either chose it together or you alone picked it out). How long has your wife known about your cding? If its only 2 years,then her finding out/being told,to you asking her to be intimate in the bedroom while dresded is a very big leap. I'd probably shut down too. If I was your wife and you cheated,i'd be mentally be ticking another box in my head saying to myself,I was right to deny him sex. That's only my opinion. Your wife maybe completely different.

  12. #12
    Member donnaS's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2015
    Location
    Alabama
    Posts
    125
    Lauranna
    Your not harsh.
    It is the truth
    But then again, who really introduces thier future spouse to all the skeletons in the closet and tells ALL of thier secrets.
    She had had sexual abuse in the past that was ever revealed before we married.
    That only came out when I discovered how she felt about sleeping with Donna.
    Shocker for me. Never saw that dating.
    Deal breaker for me? Probably so. Just left marriage from a drug abuser and what other people had caused in thier past. We all have issues that we probably never reveal.

  13. #13
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Location
    Western Washington
    Posts
    14,303
    Yes, it is cheating. I think you knew the answer to your own question before you posed it. My recommendation is divorce. Based on this thread and the thread on wanting HRT, what does your wife get out of this? Nothing at all! Yes, you should have told her about your sexual confusion before marriage. Do you want her to live in misery for the rest of her life? This is a game changer. Don't try to pull that "for better or worse" business. Frankly, whatever attributes your wife saw in you before this proclamation are going to take a back seat to this. You say "I'm just me." Well, your wife can also say that. The only difference is she is only expecting the person with whom she sign the marriage contract with.

  14. #14
    Transgender Person Pat's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2014
    Location
    Boston Area
    Posts
    4,099
    This so screams out for professional counseling instead of internet debate....

  15. #15
    Member donnaS's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2015
    Location
    Alabama
    Posts
    125
    Dinky
    She chose the ring. I let her do it.
    I guess my male side thought it was an up grade. And thoughtful. I see I have a lot more to learn.
    So, we never discussed what was ok or safe in the bedroom. We just let it happen. If she doesn't have the feeling, she just doesn't. So, it's for better or worse right? Then I should have stayed in my last marriage with the drug abuser and her keeping the finances drained.

  16. #16
    Silver Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2015
    Posts
    2,702
    First, it is cheating.
    Second, you need to get your mind to where she is at. A ring? Really???

    Is gifts even one of her love languages? As a suggestion, try reading "Five Languages of Love". It might help you think outside you own box. You clearly have some damage control ahead of you.

    And the intimacy issue may not be only based on your revelation, that might be the straw that broke the camels back. I get that, and have had my share of mismatched libido as well. You CAN live with a life of reduced intimacy IF your marriage is more important. Priorities, find some.

  17. #17
    Member donnaS's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2015
    Location
    Alabama
    Posts
    125
    I see.
    Sounds like I made a major mistake in getting married again at least in my disclosure.
    I though I was grasping onto the TG side of me. Wow! I'm in left field.
    I want to be female but seems I have no clue to what I'm doing.

  18. #18
    Female Illusionist! docrobbysherry's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2007
    Location
    Orange County, Calif.
    Posts
    24,843
    I agree with Jennie, Donna. All this talk of no sex, oversized rings, abuse, etc., etc. is a waste of time. All discussions about symptoms, not the disease!

    Sounds like your marriage WAS a mistake? But, there's only one way to know for sure. Both of u go see an experienced counselor. He/she will not only allow u both to honestly vent your feelings and fears, but could also point u in the direction of some helpful solutions.

    Sounds like u could use some solo counseling, too!
    U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.

    Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!

  19. #19
    Martini Girl Katey888's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2013
    Location
    Old Hampshire, UK
    Posts
    5,271
    Donna,
    I can feel a great deal of sympathy for your position and that of your wife's...

    I don't think you should be judged for not necessarily realising how big a thing being TG was and what this might mean for you before your were married - lots of folk here (probably some of them doing the judging) have been in a similar situation and have got lucky EITHER because they have a tolerant wife (to any degree) OR because the TG thing is not so strong. You've admitted you think were wrong in not revealing this earlier and it takes some self-confidence and awareness to do that - so I don't think you need any more criticism for what you recognise as a mistake.

    Here's where I think you've already identified the deepest problem:

    Quote Originally Posted by donnaS View Post
    I don't want a divorce over me being who I am. The guilt would be overwhelming. After all she didn't expect or ask for this.
    If ever there was a justifiable rationale for divorce, it's about who you (we) are - particularly if your TG side is developing (and may not have finished its development yet...)
    In my view (a little old-fashioned, but marriage is an old-fashioned ideal) the contract is broken - she thought she was getting a cis-male: you're not. If she's not prepared to compromise on that you have two, stark choices:
    • Either you compromise on never having a sex life again to stay with her if she can accept this (tough one...)
    • Accept that a fundamental tenet of your relationship is gone and dissolve the rest of it...

    You might try counselling, but I wouldn't be betting on a successful outcome of the scenario as you describe it...

    And don't worry too much about the sanctimonious brimstone that emerges here oftimes - the keyboard preachers have no skin in the game, don't know you or your wife and probably never will... You offered yourself as a soft target here but your actions and choices are the only ones that really matter to you and yours - I hope you can find a successful way through for what you need... Good luck!

    Katey x
    "Put some lipstick on - Perfume your neck and slip your high heels on
    Rinse and curl your hair - Loosen your hips, and get a dress to wear"
    Stefani Germanotta

  20. #20
    Banned Read only
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Posts
    6,335
    Yes, it's cheating if she is not aware of it and ok with it. But you know that.

    Have you considered seeing a sex therapist together. It will be uncomfortable at first but it will uncover all the issues.

  21. #21
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2015
    Location
    Ireland
    Posts
    64
    So you chose to replace the engagement ring of her choice (that is meant to unite ye both) with a big,massive ring that screams look at me? That says a lot to me.
    I imagine if your wife wanted to marry a woman,she would have.
    Last edited by Lorileah; 01-28-2016 at 02:54 PM. Reason: Word filter

  22. #22
    AKA Lexi sometimes_miss's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    The state of flux, U.S.A.
    Posts
    7,212
    Or course it's infidelity. The rules of marriage are stacked against us. We know that, yet we do it anyway, we have our heads in the clouds, everything will be fine, our prospective wife is an angel, she's so fine we'll never want a different woman ever again, etc.. We don't get to change the rules just because we don't like them. You get married, that's it. One woman for the rest of your life. And she gets to decide if and when you're ever going to have sex again....and how.
    And once she's seen or even imagined you as feminine? That can be the final straw that broke the camels back. Again, the ladies get to decide, not us. All we are is the meal ticket as per that marriage certificate: It's a financial contract. We're not guaranteed any sex. Remember, those laws were created when sex was for procreation. You have any kids? (or even if you didn't, if she had sex with you for a while, she tried to have kids). That's it. She lived up to her marital obligation. Especially if you came out to her after you were married, no judge is going to rule in your favor. Basically, you're out of luck. Sorry. Join the crowd. It's a big crowd. Now, try to avoid the sub crowd of the divorced. It's damage control time.
    Last edited by sometimes_miss; 01-28-2016 at 02:20 PM.
    Some causes of crossdressing you've probably never even considered: My TG biography at:http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...=1#post1490560
    There's an addendum at post # 82 on that thread, too. It's about a ten minute read.
    Why don't we understand our desire to dress, behave and feel like a girl? Because from childhood, boys are told that the worst possible thing we can be, is a sissy. This feeling is so ingrained into our psyche, that we will suppress any thoughts that connect us to being or wanting to be feminine, even to the point of creating separate personalities to assign those female feelings into.

  23. #23
    Member donnaS's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2015
    Location
    Alabama
    Posts
    125
    Whoa whoa whoa.
    I was asking for opinions and I got them.
    That was expected. Please loosen up the noose around my neck.
    Because of your feedback and helpful advice. I contacted my wife at lunch.
    I again expressed my deepest sympathy for what I have done. I explained to her that she shouldn't stay in something making her miserable.
    The answer she gave kind of shocked me. She explained that it was a shock to find out about Donna.
    And that yes maybe she couldn't satisfy me in the bedroom. But it wasn't the complete nature of Donna keeping her turned off. It's was the bickering and resentment of me not keeping dialog with her on how i feel and including her in my transition. Another mistake on my part.
    Guess that's why I threw myself to the wolves. Better to get an outside look into things than make an hasty decision.
    But she was happy. Because she felt safe and secure with me.
    She wants me to persue everything and be there by my side. And maybe,eventually the intimacy will return.
    I have to learn more about me and love myself fully before I can know how to truly love her.
    Thank you for all your inputs. Truth is always a rock to build on.
    Hugs to all
    Donna

  24. #24
    Banned Spammer
    Join Date
    Aug 2008
    Location
    Between here and there but mostly here close to the donuts.
    Posts
    22,257
    I am surprised that you even asked the question is it cheating to begin with.Of course it is and you know that.
    You said "I do" and that is a binding contract between you,her,God and the court house.
    IMO you made a huge mistake in getting married again.
    Are you one of those types that feels in order to fit in society as a man you HAVE to be married? Or are you one of those types that wants a woman to be someone that cooks and cleans and is basically your Mom and cleans up after you? I know guys like this trust me.
    Are you one that just can't live alone?
    There are many reasons why women stop having sex with their men.
    1. fallen out of love.
    2. Tired of the same old same old ( no romance)
    3. Having sex with another guy/guys and feels guilty. I know of this one because I have been thru it twice.

    P.S. I was posting while you were so I didn't see it but if you two have come to some understanding then I'm glad to hear it.
    Last edited by Tracii G; 01-28-2016 at 02:30 PM.

  25. #25
    Member donnaS's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2015
    Location
    Alabama
    Posts
    125
    She was dating a married man before I met her. Guess that's why I asked the question.
    But no I don't need a cook. I would rather do that than anything.
    I lived alone before I met her.
    She had been mistreated many times before. This is her third marriage also.
    Guess my TG feelings and understanding
    Some of hers lead me to the wedding aisle.
    Marriage isn't easy. And yes they have survived cheating. I have not cheated on my wife. Some couples even conceive children thru affairs because thier wife cannot bare children. I've seen that first hand. And the child knows both sides.
    But then again you have the swinger group also.
    So, me not telling my wife what I talk about on this forum......am I keeping secrets and shouldn't be doing this.
    Telling one of the members that they are beautiful or pretty. Am I cheating?

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  


Check out these other hot web properties:
Catholic Personals | Jewish Personals | Millionaire Personals | Unsigned Artists | Crossdressing Relationship
BBW Personals | Latino Personals | Black Personals | Crossdresser Chat | Crossdressing QA
Biker Personals | CD Relationship | Crossdressing Dating | FTM Relationship | Dating | TG Relationship


The crossdressing community is one that needs to stick together and continue to be there for each other for whatever one needs.
We are always trying to improve the forum to better serve the crossdresser in all of us.

Browse Crossdressers By State