Just told my wife - not sure I should have

[TrishaTX]

My two cents is this...hiding things leads to some unhealthy behavior. I do undertsna doe cannot all tell for various reasons, but if you can or have an opportunity you should try. It sucks when someone rejects you, but that feeling of hiding/lieing etc is worse in the long run. I wish we could all be honest with our SO, i know some cannot, but what occurred here was brave and should be appreciated.

[Jazzy Jaz]

Congratulations so far Sarah, very courageous! I would suggest being extra sweet and loving and helpful and romantic, maybe not totally obvious in her face style, but just enough to show her that shes not losing your love or her man or having to compete with Sarah. Hopfully your extra attention will show her that she actually stands to gain from your openness by accepting you. Anyways I wish you the best.

[mykell]

hi sarah, happy for you that things are OK,
you seem to have a good grasp on the situation, take things slow and continue to talk,
my wife has known for two years, she does not want to see it and like you i dont know that i would show her,
thanks for the update....

[Sarah Louise]

I just thought I'd update everyone as to where I am with coming out to my wife. Well can I change the title to 'Came out six days ago - so glad I did'! There was a little bump in the road to get here though.

Since my last update, it got really tough on Monday evening. I experienced a massive downer when it hit me just what I was putting my wife through. I felt very guilty and was very emotional with this and my wife had to support me rather than the other way round.

Since then things have got much better. We've continued to talk, I've reassured her and she is coping remarkably well. In many ways we're getting on better. At the end of the day, our love for each other is winning through.

She still doesn't want to see anything which I'm fine with. The most important thing is I'm not living a lie and while she doesn't understand it, we're not letting it get in the way of our relationship.

I feel very blessed to be married to such a wonderful woman and I'm very happy right now.

Usual caveat to those in the closet: Only you can decide whether to come out or not. Everyone is different etc.

[mechamoose]

I have not read any other reply prior to this post, just so you know. It doesn't matter in the long run.

I'm sorry you feel vulnerable, I truly understand why.

In my opinion, you did the right thing. Truth trumps all. Yes, it may break things, but what would your lie do if it was discovered?

Damage now or damage later? (What kind of choice is that? It stinks)

You clearly have a lifetime dysphoria issue. Your 'partner' will either stand beside you or not. NOW is the time to know that. You either know you have an ally or you know you have to find another way to get support.

NOW IS THE TIME.

You did nothing wrong, you exposed yourself. It will either pay off or you will have to find other means of support.

Yes, you may love them, they may love you. That isn't the same as either of you being right for each other.

Please trust me. I'm trying to spare you needless pain.

Trust yourself... How old are you? I'm sure you didn't get this far by being oblivious. Trust yourself, please.

- MM

[Sarah Louise]

You clearly have a lifetime dysphoria issue.

MM, Thanks for your thoughts, but this simply isn't the case. I'm just someone who's cross dressed on and off throughout my life and have felt guilty hiding this from my wife.

See post #54 for update.

[mechamoose]

Pardon me dear, I have to slightly disagree.

If you want to dress up in the 'other' genders clothing, you have some level of dysphoria.

It might not be debilitating, it might not be life changing, but it is dysphoria all the same.

Take it from a 'manly man' who paints his nails and wears skirts 9 days out of 10. The other day I'm wearing 'girl' jeans.

She still doesn't want to see anything which I'm fine with. The most important thing is I'm not living a lie and while she doesn't understand it, we're not letting it get in the way of our relationship.

If she doesn't *accept* it, in fact, *encourage* it. Then it isn't quite right. Not to throw any shade on you or your partner... good that you are not lying. I do have to say that it sounds like you have ended up in a DADT situation, which is another stress point for me. Fine so long as you keep your trap shut? Fine so long as she doesn't see it? (Sorry, I go to great lengths to be gender neutral, this member telegraphed it)

That isn't acceptance, that is tolerance.

Tolerance has its place and is valuable, but it isn't giving you the freedom to frolic around in the tall grass with bows in your hair. You and I both need that frolic space in order to be ourselves. Please tell me if you believe I am wrong. Good for your mate that they have not rejected you. That is a major + in the 'pro' column.

Tolerance and support are very different honey. It sounds like you have tolerance. You deserve more. You need to be able to be yourself without excuses or apologies. From what I am hearing, you still need to 'hide' on some level, yes?

I don't tolerate that. That isn't enough.

I live life as an aberrant critter, and I can say from personal experience that it works. Did things get broken? Yes. Was it easy? No. Do I get criticism? Rarely.

You deserve more than just being tolerated.

<3

- MM

[mykell]

IDK , somebody here just laid theyre love and life on the line and had what to them is the most amazing result in the world, the person they cared the most about in the world did not run for the hills screaming derogatory words as she looked for a lawyer, theyre TALKING and LEARNING about something they have knowledge about for a week??? they revealed to theyre mate...................and somehow they did not do it right ................are you kidding me........busting bubbles........were judged by society enough..........we come here to get away from it.....

Sarah i only wish that you both continue to talk and learn as much about how to best move forward and things stay positive, their is only one way to make it work and it is the way that works for you and your wife, again im pleased that it is moving forward in a positive way.....

[Tiffany Jane]

Sarah, we are all individuals with similar paths and choices that have brought us to individual hurdles in our lives. Congratulations for marrying someone that you have built a relationship with in trust and honesty. It is the basis of every key friendship, and where we allow ourselves to commit to a larger relationship.

I came out officially to my wife three years ago although we both knew there were circumstances in our past that resembled the act without any clarity. Truth and honesty brought me to tell her most of everything and we still are open about the subject. She recently read a book "My husband Betty" and it was helpful to her.

More important for her is what I need to be able to be happy moving forward and how it will be a part of our lives. She has put this in my lap, only because I tend to internalize everything in an attempt to fully analyze all aspects of situations. Occasionally she will check in when I have checked out but she doesn't push.

This has taken three years. Seems longer but that is the guilt and fear I have put upon myself taking years off my psyche. Find what makes you happy and fulfill it. It sounds you both have a strong relationship already as honesty with one another is something that brought your desire to tell her to come through.

You should be comfortable in your own home alone and with family. Find that balance. Keep her informed of changes, this way she will remain open to your honesty and not question any more than she will as naturally we do.

Accept yourself as much as you want her to accept you. This is my struggle now and not in our home but my insecurity with family and public perception.

[christylee_sf]

Sarah, its great you have this courage. I'm still at the point to keep Christy being on the side. I'm ok with it now, but making baby steps towards what you did, and hope to get past this in my life....

[Maria 60]

I hate to say it but it had to be done. Your relationship will thank you because at the end of the day it's better she heard it from you instead of somewhere else. It sounds like your relationship is strong and if it is there should be no problem. Hope it all works out and keep us updated. Wish you luck.

[Jess S.]

Sarah,
You are very brave it is the right thing to do. I hope all works out seems it will.

[Jenniferathome]

...If she doesn't *accept* it, in fact, *encourage* it. Then it isn't quite right. Not to throw any shade on you or your partner... good that you are not lying. I do have to say that it sounds like you have ended up in a DADT situation...

Where do you come up with this garbage? It's been a few DAYS since Sarah came out. How can anyone, and you in particular, make an assessment as to where this has "ended up"?

And to even assert that encouragement is some requirement from our wives is simply insane. Only the wholly self-centered could possible even think that. I fear for any partner in your life.

[mechamoose]

You are free to disagree with me, but it isn't 'garbage'.

I have been living this life since I was 25, and I'm 51 now.

I come up with this 'garbage' from my personal experience, burned bridges and all. (and I have burned many)

You either have a partner who 'gets' you or you don't. It isn't much more complicated than that.

I can only respond to what they present. If their current course of action and logic leads them into a DATD situation, well, that isn't on me. That is what they presented. I'm voicing the sad tale of experience. (Well, MY experience at the very least)

My 'encouragement' is aimed at having a member accept themselves, regardless of what anyone else thinks, even their marriage partner. After all, you didn't just make promises them, they made promises to you.

"Garbage", indeed.

- MM

[Sarah Louise]

If you want to dress up in the 'other' genders clothing, you have some level of dysphoria.

I'm glad I'm not young and impressionable and confused about my crossdressing. Comments like this would be very unhelpful.

I totally disagree with you. I like being a man. I like my man body. I especially like my 'man bits'. We've had a lot of fun over the years😉. Occasionally wanting to dress as a girl doesn't confuse me and make me hate my body.

I'm very happy with how things have turned out this week. Tolerance from the one I love is more than enough, but I suspect things could get better with a bit more time.

[mechamoose]

I totally enjoy my 'man bits', thank you.

What are we disagreeing about?

Look up my intro, and look up my posts, please. (At least look up my intro. Use 'moosedaddy' for your search phrase)

I'm an androgynous person. I have been living this way for years.

All I was trying to say is that while it was wonderful that the OP's partner didn't run away. All sie got was 'tolerance', not 'acceptance'. Those are very different things.

We (in my opinion) all need to require acceptance. To me, tolerance isn't enough.

If you don't agree, fine. That is up to you. I'm still going to try and impart to every member I can that hiding isn't necessary. It isn't the ticket to being free. Honesty is. I have lived as an 'in-between' person, not accepted by either side, for half my life. I might have something relevant to impart. I might not fit all those who are 'truly trans', but I still represent a section of our membership. I have nothing to be sorry for, (at least here).

If you have a disagreement with that, then that is ok. Your decision.

Our new member is doubting themselves. They don't need to and they don't have to.

What did I do? Point out that they were heading for a DADT situation? Don't you see that is what is lining up?

Why is my pointing that out bad or wrong? If you saw someone heading for the rocks, wouldn't you say something? Would you just let them crash?

Been there, done that, I have the (bloody) T-shirt.

I'm not being a jerk, honest. I'm attempting to be a realist. Life is life. Life happens, successes and failures. I don't warrant the vitriol being laid on me over this.

If tolerance is your goal and you got it, then great.

I could never live with just tolerance, but that is just me and my goals, To me tolerance is someone accepting a failure/weakness, and I don't believe that we are failing or weak. We are just 'different'. No apologies required.

- MM

[Lorileah]

k kids...most of this can go to PM. Now back to the thread

[ReineD]

Congratulations Sarah, so glad you and your wife got over the hump!

You clearly have a lifetime dysphoria issue.

MM, Thanks for your thoughts, but this simply isn't the case. I'm just someone who's cross dressed on and off throughout my life and have felt guilty hiding this from my wife.

Pardon me dear, I have to slightly disagree.

If you want to dress up in the 'other' genders clothing, you have some level of dysphoria.

MM, what does dysphoria mean to you? I think you're confusing it with the enjoyment of doing something.

Here are the general definitions of dysphoria from online dictionaries:

• Google: A state of unease or generalized dissatisfaction with life.
  
  
• Dictionary.com: A state of dissatisfaction, anxiety, restlessness, or fidgeting.
  
  
• Vocabulary.com: A state of mental discomfort or suffering. Abnormal depression and discontent.
  
  
• Thefreedictionary.com: An emotional state characterized by anxiety, depression, or unease.
  
  
• Wikipedia: A profound state of unease or dissatisfaction. In a psychiatric context, dysphoria may accompany depression, anxiety, or agitation. It can also refer to a state of not being comfortable in one's current body, particularly in cases of gender dysphoria. Common reactions to dysphoria include emotional distress or indifference. The opposite state of mind is known as euphoria.
  
  
• WPATH (gender dysphoria): A strong and persistent cross-gender identification and a persistent discomfort with one’s sex or sense of inappropriateness in the gender role of that sex, causing clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning. Distress that is caused by a discrepancy between a person’s gender identity and that person’s sex assigned at birth (and the associated gender role and/or primary and secondary sex characteristics).
  

People can have the urge to crossdress without being dissatisfied with their male lives, or have anxiety, depression, suffering, etc. It's true that if a person has an urge to do something and they can't then they get antsy (I've experienced this myself several times), but this is not the same as being unhappy with the state of being male.

Sorry Lori, but it's important to address this when it comes up, as did the OP. There are far too many people here who think that crossdressers have gender dysphoria which is tragic, especially when CDers say they don't.

[mechamoose]

Reine, you bring up a great refinement to my thoughts.

I have an uncle that loves dressing up and doing Civil War re-enactment stuff. He does it as part of the hobby. I used to be in the SCA, and did similar things with medieval clothing. Many people wear something odd at the end of October. Those things are done for fun.

If you are doing it for self comfort, is it still the the same thing?

If I felt better and more like myself when I dressed up as Napoleon, isn't that some kind of dysphoria?

I never said 'gender dysphoria', I said just 'dysphoria', though the 'gender' part is more than implied, I suppose.

I wear women's clothing to reflect part of myself and to give myself comfort. It is the same reason I paint my nails and wear pretty jewelry. It is expressing an element of myself. I am not trapped, I am not looking to transition. I'm just looking to feel more like myself.

If you are doing it for fun (in whatever flavor) then it is just fun. If it makes you feel better, then that is a psychological condition, is it not?

Thank you for stepping up to the debate podium and giving me a reasoned reply. I was never looking for a fight. I was looking for a discussion. Please continue.

<3

- MM

[Pat]

Wow. I take a few days off and you guys start the interesting conversations... I'm kind of a word wonk and I have to side with Moose a bit on this. This site gets kind of funny because it's basically a site that discusses feelings not facts. And we all have our feelings and want to paint them with their exact shade of gray but words are very black and white which can make us uncomfortable. So some people describe how good they feel when they crossdress and how "pressure" builds up when they don't which would argue that the non-crossdressed person is feeling unease or dissatisfaction with their state (else why would it feel good when they stopped doing it?) And there's a term, dysphoria, which viewed dispassionately can describe that state. But we're talking about feelings. I think some folks avoid the term dysphoria because they don't like what they take as the implications. That is, they feel "If I"m dysphoric, then I'm disowning my male accomplishments or even my beloved family." At least that's my theory.

To take it to a less charged area, I play several musical instruments and I compose music. But I never say I'm a musician even though I think the dictionary disagrees with me. But I have internal expectations of what a musician is and I don't meet those personal criteria. I believe that happens a lot on this site. Every time I come here I smile because it reminds me of the person who wrote that they enjoy putting on women's clothing and makeup and a wig, "but I'm not a crossdresser." Clearly the term crossdresser was a charged word for that person and even though their behavior was exactly the definition of crossdresser, they felt they were not one because of some internal context of their very own. We see it a lot with the word transgender, "I'm a crossdresser, but I'm not transgender." Some of those people are saying transgender when they mean transsexual but others seem to be carrying an internal definition of the word that doesn't appear in any dictionary.

All of that said, this is a site that discusses feelings not facts. I think we should accept each other's testimony of our feelings even if it doesn't square with our own view of the situation. And we should understand that people offering a different viewpoint are working from a desire to be helpful. Presume good intent.

[mechamoose]

IDK , somebody here just laid theyre love and life on the line and had what to them is the most amazing result in the world, the person they cared the most about in the world did not run for the hills screaming derogatory words as she looked for a lawyer, theyre TALKING and LEARNING about something they have knowledge about for a week??? they revealed to theyre mate...................and somehow they did not do it right ................are you kidding me........busting bubbles........were judged by society enough..........we come here to get away from it.....

The OP did nothing wrong, but what they got was an 'ok, *shrug*'.

That isn't the most wonderful answer in the world. I have that, actually. She asked what size I was and has bought me clothes. *That* is the best answer I could ever hope for.

Again, the OP did nothing wrong, and their mate responded.. um, not negatively. That isn't quite the same an diving in and being invested.

Not trying to be a jerk, I'm just relating my personal experience.. with the goal of sharing that it *is* possible. It can be that stress-free.

- MM

[Tina_gm]

Oh, my, god.... one week, and now since your wife has not packed her bags, you really think the lights are just all green?? I would not ever predict that a partner will leave over CDing alone, but holy premature assessment bat girl. One week is still no where near enough for her to even truly get a grasp on this. You may want to hold off on the all clear for say a few years, at least.

MM- I am sorry but I just could not disagree with what you are saying more here. Your lines of gender and sexuality are very fuzzy to say the least. That is all fine and good for you. I am not holding anything against you or your wife for how you two choose to live YOUR lives. For most though, even for a good many in the TG column, those lines are a bit, quite a bit clearer.

Do you really expect, or should anyone expect that a partner having just been told a week ago should not only have full acceptance, biut encouragement, and that anything less is not good enough? How about the idea that this is a huge radical shift in the marriage, and it will take some time to adjust to. It will likely be done in very small increments (to be successful and solid) and due to the nature of a woman being a heterosexual, presuming that his wife is, even if she isn't.... that cross gender presentation and or behavior may never come easy to her. It usually doesn't. That does not make the wife a bad person, or close minded, or insert whatever negative adjective along those lines... It is the reality of a large majority of people. It is just the way things are. It is a part of most human nature.

We, the TG/CD/TS have to understand this. You MM have found a partner who is much like yourself. There just isn't enough partners out there to go around for everyone, regardless of their gender or sexuality. Heck, I have even read on here from gay CDers that their gay partners had a hard time accepting it and had zero interest in it. That would stand to reason as a gay man is attracted to MEN... Bi-sexual women are attracted to both, yes, but that does not automatically mean they want both in the same person. Chances are that a bi woman will want either a man or a woman. not both. We have seen that oh so many times on here. A CDer thinking that his bi sexual wife is being a hypocrite. No, she is not.

Sarah, I am truly glad for you that the top didn't blow off your house after the revelation. PLease just be cautious though and remember to give your wife ALL the time in the world for this. I truly mean all. Because this person has this, that person has that, every single one of us is unique. My wife accepts certain aspects of it that other wives aren't cool with at all, and vice versa. Some days she is more comfortable with it, other days, she wants her husband and nothing else/more. That is perfectly fine, seeing at the time, that is the person I presented when she fell in love with me, and the person I presented when she married me. Give her latitude, and lots and lots of it, please.

[Lori Kurtz]

I think you did the right thing, Sarah, but it ain't over until it's over. It's wonderful that your wife seems to be coping well, and that there's hope for the survival (and maybe even improvement?) of your marriage. Please be sensitive to what's going on with your her. This is a hard thing for most women to deal with, and feelings can change for the better or worse over time. It's up to you to do what you can to help her deal with those feelings. Congratulations on what you've accomplished so far, and best of luck to you both.

[Diversity]

I believe you did the right thing, and I speak from experience of a very similar situation as yours. Living a lie is not good. Your wife's reaction is normal and to be expected. Give her space. Give her time. Talk as often as she needs to and always be honest and open with your feelings. Be patient and understanding and look at things with an understanding of what this situation is like from her point of view before you speak.
In my case, nearly for years later, my wife had told me she would never leave me for this, but still does not want to see me dressed or be a part of it. I am welcome to do it as often as I need to, but not in her sight. She had however accepted me wearing panties every day, and a nightgown every night. It's not a perfect situation, but it is a compromise. Over time,I believe, she will soften some more, but that remains to be seen. The best part is that it is all out in the open.
I hope by offering my suggestions and sharing my situation with you it may be of some help to you.
Good luck to you, and you can know that this is an excellent site to come to for support.
Kind regards,
Di