Just told my wife - not sure I should have

[Sarah Louise]

Since a year or so ago when I started dressing again after a 20 year sabbatical, I've struggled over whether to tell my wife or not. On the one hand, I hate the lying. On the other hand, I was worried it wouldn't go well.

Well, tonight I told her and I'm worried I've shouldn't have. She's stunned. She's upset. We've had tears. She doesn't like the fact that I've messaged other people on this forum and posted pictures. I just hope she comes to terms with this. I don't think she's going to leave me or anything, but I worry our marriage will never be as good as it was.

I followed the advice of others. Said there's something I need to tell you. That I've been crossdressing for the last year or so. That I'm not gay, I don't want a sex change. I then explained how this started at about age four, carried on intermittently until I was a teenager when it became more common. The desire faded in my early 20s (before I met her) only to come back in my forties. I told her about a recent dressing appointment. She wasn't too keen on that. She asked if I had met up with other people or gone out (I haven't).

I'm feeling a bit vulnerable right now.

Edit: Please see post #54 for update

[Saikotsu]

Well, it could have gone a lot worse, so there's that. Give her time and hopefully she'll come around.

[Jenniferathome]

That's a big, brave move Sarah. I think her reaction is quite normal. Allow her to process it a bit, you've known for decades, she for only minutes. Let her know you are open to answering any question she might have. In particular, make sure she knows that your cross dressing has nothing to do with her or what she does or does not do. Stay positive, the conversations will come and fears will be ameliorated.

[nikkiwindsor]

Sarah, You really were courageous and I hope all goes well for you and your wife. Fortunately and wonderfully, my wife came to accept my desire to crossdress but it didn't come easy and she made her peace with it on her own terms...I didn't pressure her. She is an incredibly perceptive person and realized that I was just plain miserable abstaining from a desire that I didn't choose and had been with me since about 10 years old. She didn't want to see me so unhappy and shared with me, out of the blue, that if I wanted to cross dress she'd be ok with it. She isn't thrilled with it which is understandable and doesn't come as a surprise. But, by accepting me as who I am deep within myself, within my very soul, she has explained to me that she's expressing her unconditional love for me. That acceptance is so powerful and special. I work hard to accept her for who she is...we are both so far from perfect and judging one another gets us nowhere. With my crossdressing an open conversation between us, our love for each other has actually become stronger than ever before. I really hope the same for the two of you! Nikki

[JenniferR771]

Lots of men have a fetish or two. Nothing unusual about that. Few people talk details about their sexuality--to anyone--its a private thing. That is instinct. You are still the highly wonderful man you have always been. You still care for her and intend to protect and take care of her and your kids--in the manner to which she has become accustomed. Right?

[JanePeterson]

my advice... if you can, just halt all further communication about it till she has questions... and don't push her at all on this stuff. The fact that she didn't throw you out of the house means that you are already ahead of the game... the key is to not push things until she is ready. Then, be ready to handle your OWN feelings as things progress... I did this exact thing 2 months ago, and my own understanding of my dressing changed significantly in that time... HUGS!!! i know how hard it must have been to start that conversation!!

Jane

[pamela7]

well done, courageous, it was right, give her time to assimilate it, to ask questions at her pace. don't push, explain you'd prefer it to be part of your joint life than separate, that you love her etc etc

[Katey888]

Oh Sarah..!

I hope you'll be OK and she'll understand or at least give it a chance... and for goodness sake DON'T let her see what goes on here unchaperoned... it makes me wonder sometimes...

Good luck - fingers crossed - lap of the Gods and everything...

Katey x

[Nadine Spirit]

It must be terrifying, for both of you! But good for you for telling her. I really think it was the right thing to do, regardless.

The best thing you can do now is to keep the communication open and honest, and to continue to do it.

Good luck!

[TanyaR]

Sarah,
Such a hard thing to do, but it can be a good thing. Bravo to you!
As to the vulnerable part - you just shared the huge secret part of you and you are waiting to see how she will react. So scary! Give her time to process this. I cried every day for a week. Then I searched the internet and cried even more. I asked the same questions over and over - just to be sure I understood what was happening. I have known now for 3 years (found out after 20years of marriage) and its been a long difficult road to regain my trust in him and I still have bouts where I don't trust him. But our marriage was strong before and TBH I feel like it has brought us closer in some ways. Be patient with her, don't push her and be totally honest about your feelings & needs. Be sure to find out what she can and can not handle at this point and don't push the boundaries. It could be a long processes for her to wrap her head around this.

[donnaS]

Oh my,
I've been there. You don't know wether to
Crawl under the couch or talk it out some more.
No definite answer that's for sure. All the information must be processed and sink in. I am still in some of those stages.
Much farther along than you and your wife are. We take it day by day. I'm not sure where my marriage will end up, I have to be honest. But I to can't live with the secrets. Just not in me.
Wish you the very best outcome!
Hugs
Donna

[Dinky39]

Who is she/her? The cat's mother?? I find it insulting. Oh,and as i posted in another thread,its way out of line to use your child/children as an excuse for leaving your 'stuff' behind. As in,i left blonde hair from my wig in the bathroom sink,luckily our daughters are blonde. Phew,i was nearly caught. Sometimes my mind is blown from what i read on this site.

[KrissyP]

Honesty is great Sarah, however hard. Good for you. Yes, give her time to process and take it one step at a time. Hugs to you.

[WandaRae2009]

As my wife put it after I told her, you have eliminated the burden of hiding and lying and placed a burden on me to deal with it and keep the secret as well. It takes time, the key is to keep the communication open but don't push too fast if you really want the relationship to last. A joint counseling session with a therapist experienced with gender issues helped tremendously. Good luck to you, and be assured many here will keep positive thoughts for you.

[Dinky39]

That was one of my inital thoughts by my finding out my husband's secret. The burden is now on my shoulders& I am truely weary of it. And no one to help me

[Judy-Somthing]

Well, while looking for cross-dress makeup tutorials I came upon this sight, so I joined. It made me feel so much better about myself.

Well about four weeks I told her I thought it would be fun to wear a dress.

Well she was stunned and said that's F-Up and the next day she cut up all her lingerie and through it out.

Well now four weeks later, Judy is pushed back into the back of the closet.

And I have more lingerie than her!

[MelanieAnne]

I followed the advice of others.

First mistake!

Said there's something I need to tell you.

Her reaction: Uh oh, this can't be good!

That I've been crossdressing for the last year or so

Her reaction: OMG He's gay!

I strongly feel the best way is to just wait until you are caught, and then downplay it. Do not make like it is the most important thing in your life! Just say, "I've tried it a few times, just to see what it is like. No big deal". When you go into a long song and dance about struggling with it all your life, can't help yourself, express yourself, etc, etc, it just blows it all out of proportion and creates a crisis in the mind of the recipient. You can admit to it, be honest, without going into a lot of details and making things worse. I have never been able to understand this desire to come out to anyone, with what should be a private matter. How many in here would tell their wives or SOs, "There's something I need to tell you. I watch a lot of porn and masturbate". Anyone who has been in this forum any length of time can attest to the fact that most of the comings out don't end well. A few end OK, but only a few. It's just not a chance worth taking.

[mykell]

hi sarah,
been there done that,
just me but i did all the to do things on the honey list while she absorbed this info i shared with her,
hey im still the guy who fixes the toilet and Spackles and paints those walls,
one thing i also did was e-mail her a song, i have nothing (whitney houston), only one word did not fit, cause i cant change in the second line,
i emailed her and she never said anything about it,
music sometimes is a very powerful motivator, and if you have a strong foundation to your marriage it will take some time but you should be OK,
my thoughts are with you both and i hope you get through this in tack....

[Jenniferathome]

..I strongly feel the best way is to just wait until you are caught, and then downplay it. ..

To call this bad advice is doing a disservice to the word bad. You are clueless about relationships, despite your claims of a great one with your wife. Your advice is valueless.

[Nadine Robles]

Just read some research together about CDing and let her settle her feeling about this. Im sure youre gonna come to terms about it

[Nadine Spirit]

Anyone who has been in this forum any length of time can attest to the fact that most of the comings out don't end well. A few end OK, but only a few. It's just not a chance worth taking.

Wow! Really? Where are the statistics to back this claim up?

[Suzanne F]

Wow! Really? Where are the statistics to back this claim up?

Yes I don't agree either. Count me as one of the women who came out to her wife and found love and acceptance!
Suzanne

[Jenniferathome]

Wow! Really? Where are the statistics to back this claim up?

Yes I don't agree either. Count me as one of the women who came out to her wife and found love and acceptance!
Suzanne

Sadly this same person continues to post this nonsense at every turn. Simply incredible and totally unsubstantiated. I can only hope that everyone see this tripe for what it is and ignores it.

[Stephanie47]

Before adding to the thread I went back and read your posts. You've been really stressed out about your wife learning of your cross dressing. The notion goes all the way back to when you joined this forum. Forget whether or not you should have or should not have told her. You can only go forward. I've found the truth is the best policy. And, from your own descriptive words I'd say you, like most of us, really do not have a clue as to why you are like you are. When I had "THE TALK" I told my wife I did not know why I am a cross dresser. Yes, you may as well fill in the time line, if you have not already. It sounds very typical. If you're able to express to her what feelings you have when you cross dress, then tell her. In my case it is stress relief. I find some sort of peace and tranquility when en femme that I cannot find elsewhere. I think the last thing a surprised wife wants to hear is some sort of stupid reasoning. Don't tell her you want to get in touch with your feminine side. You'll probably hear something about trying to endure childbirth, raising kids or household drudgery. I told my wife I cannot explain what I do not understand myself.

And, do not make any commitments that you will not be able to keep. Don't tell her you'll stop wearing women's clothing when you cannot stop. I think you realize there are going to be some bumps in the road. I do think a solid marriage will endure. Hopefully, she'll get out the marriage balance and weigh everything...your positive attributes and your negative. If the balance is heavily weighed down with good attributes....good husband...good father....kind....all those that she has grown accustom to over the years, the marriage will endure.

PS: When I went back and reviewed your started threads since joining I saw your photos. You turn into a very attractive woman.

[Sarah Louise]

Thanks very much to those who have responded with support. It's really appreciated.

In respect of the post stating that it rarely goes well, that's not what most of the experiences on here show. In fact a recent post asking where members were on the scale of support from their wives put it at nearly 60% acceptance and nearly 30% tolerance. Of course, this only based on members of this forum who bothered to respond, but I'm yet to see anything that contradicts this. As Stephanie correctly observed, I've really struggled with this for over a year. So believe me, I've absorbed loads of information on the outcomes of telling.

Please let's not turn this thread into 'a should I tell or not'. I've done the deed for better or worse and it's help and advice to make things better that my wife and I really need. There's another current thread on whether to tell or not.

To update you on my situation. After my chat with my wife last night, not much else was said, but a couple of hours later when she came in the room, I told her I loved her and she said she loved me too. We also talked about ordering new fitted bedroom furniture so we're still planning our future lives together. Also, we did cuddle a bit in bed. So hopefully this is a good sign and worse case, we'll end up as DADT. To be honest, this for me at least, is better than a lifetime of lying.

This whole thing isn't fair on her though and I do feel guilty about that. It's such a shame that society makes being a CD such a big deal as at the end of the day, it really isn't. Of course, I had a lifetime to come to that conclusion and she's just had it thrusted upon her. We have a strong marriage. I love her to bits and always try and treat her nice and support her so hopefully it will all work out for the best.