Are there those here that are know inside they are really TS?

[flatlander_48]

2) I don't understand Gender fluid or inbetweener.
Marcelle was the first person to make me believe Gender fluid was possible and then she says actually she is TS. I honestly don't know if it's possible to be two different genders/personalities or if that person is just in denial or deluded? Bit like Bipolar? If that's the case then surely it's a pretty unpleasant way to live?

As for inbetweener how come all those claiming to be in the middle are not more Androgynous? Wouldn't androgynous be the true inbetweener?
If you are in the middle what do you want? To be treated as gender neutral or just to be able to dress girly when you like?

I only ask to learn more.

b7:

I identify as bisexual and transgender. Fortunately the degree of dysphoria that I have is not enough to warrant transitioning. As I said recently in another thread, I do not believe that I have a male and a female persona. Depending upon how I choose to present, some thoughts and characteristics may bubble to the surface and others recede a bit. I went through very little of the common shame and guilt that many others talk about. I've never purged or even thought about it. The first time I dressed I was somewhat nervous about being seen by someone I know, but once I got over that, I could see that I had tapped into something that seemed very comfortable and that there was no need to resist as it didn't feel like foreign territory.

Eventually what I realized is that this feminine part has always been with me. Now that I have claimed this missing part of my identify, it does seem to be stable. So, as far as I can tell, I don't anticipate any significant changes.

For me, androgyny doesn't have much meaning. It would only represent external trappings and doesn't connect with me on a personal basis. I don't identify as androgynous, so why should I dress in that mode? On the other hand, do wear pink and variations and I wear fleece socks, many of which are described as women's by color and pattern.

I do not identify as gender fluid. You mention bipolar, but I don't think that is a good analogy. Bipolar seems to suggest two specific conditions; either/or. Fluid suggests change, so that would indicate a number of possible variations and not just two. In other words, there's male and female and many points between the two.

DeeAnn

[Ressie]

There is one other difference - socialization, if the MtF TS was raised as a male and/or lived as a male a significant portion of the TS's life.

What I found odd is that I've met MtF transexuals that spoke and acted like they were still men. I guess living as a man for many decades (even if not identifying as one) becomes their personality? We are all unique and threads like this make it even more clear.

As for me, I have a great imagination. When I was a teen I had feelings that I wanted to be a female and even told my mom that I wished I was a girl. Sometimes I would ponder the idea of switching bodies with one of the girls at school (temporarily) and then having sex with my friends.

From the rare literature I found in the late '60s-early '70s, I concluded that I was a transvestite because female clothing was sexually arousing to me. "Trapped in the wrong body" doesn't describe the way I feel, but I've imagined having a women's body and I liked it a lot.

[sometimes_miss]

What I found odd is that I've met MtF transexuals that spoke and acted like they were still men. I guess living as a man for many decades (even if not identifying as one) becomes their personality?

^This was also my experience. When I went to some parties, when talking with the mtf TS's there, it was just like talking to any other guy. As I have been working in a profession where over 90% of the workers are women, it was easy to tell the difference. Other than trying to change their voice, the content and style of speaking was still distinctly male. Same with the behavior; although there appeared to be a conscious attempt to move as they believed females did (which is almost always decided by anatomy), the would 'slip' into male pattern body mechanics every so often, giving themselves away for who they were pre-op. Far too many had become caricatures of women, rather than finding the normal style they were trying to emulate.

My own conclusion is, while it may not 'be their personality', over a lifetime of training ourselves to 'fit in' to the male world, it DOES become second nature to behave that way; perhaps as almost an automatic defense to stave off anyone else's possibly seeing through the 'act' and finding out we are CD or TS. So even after transitioning, what we've forced ourselves to do for decades still lingers, no matter how much we wish it didn't. Kind of similar to, say, a baker coming home and smelling of fresh bread, even after he takes a shower. Some things just become ingrained into us (pun intended).

[flatlander_48]

What I found odd is that I've met MtF transexuals that spoke and acted like they were still men. I guess living as a man for many decades (even if not identifying as one) becomes their personality?

As it used to be said in the old westerns: "The old ways die hard.".

DeeAnn

[Rita Leigh]

Suzanne, congratulations on living a life most of us only dream of...becoming our dream. You are so blessed to have a life partner help you realize your potential. Life's fate has given you sweet lemonade and not just lemons! Enjoy what time you have left...finally as yourself.

[bimini1]

So, even though there is no difference between TS and GG other than chromosomes, plenty TS act like men? Which leads me into the whole influence of socialization. Not just from the cis world either. I often wonder how many would even ponder transition had the Internet not come along and we started to build these communities. I believe that has got to factor into how far you would be willing to go to be yourself. Or if because of the influence of the togetherness of a trans community, there is that influence on the development and growth of that female identity that is you.

Do you see what I'm getting at? If I was still walking around thinking gosh, I am the only one that has this issue, I might still be living out of a briefcase littered with a few feminine items as opposed to this whole wardrobe/other life. If there were just no social constrictions whatsoever now or when I was coming of age who would I really be?
You have to factor in the social piece.

[ReineD]

Do you see what I'm getting at? If I was still walking around thinking gosh, I am the only one that has this issue, I might still be living out of a briefcase littered with a few feminine items as opposed to this whole wardrobe/other life. If there were just no social constrictions whatsoever now or when I was coming of age who would I really be?
You have to factor in the social piece.

I should think a MtF TS is a woman whether she joins a support forum or not. Judging by the way that TSs describe things in the TS section, they simply are miserable being male. Period. Because they're not men. And they're willing to change all of this. In front of everyone full time. No matter the consequences. Even the potential to be read as birth-males after transition is not a deterrent, because living as a male is just too intolerable. This strength of conviction isn't something that is influenceable by an online forum. The discomfort over being male is there all the time, cd.com or no cd.com.

As to a world where there are no social constrictions for birth-males to dress as women, sorry but this will not happen. The laws are indeed changing (despite some setbacks in some states that no doubt will be reversed eventually) due to strong trans-advocacy groups and a growing social liberalism, but people in general will still react when it hits close to home even if strangers keep their opinions to themselves. There simply are not enough people who want to transition or crossdress in public to make this fully embraced in the main-stream.

But I can see where a crossdresser who is frustrated over not being able to dress might become more frustrated after joining here and reading a few people's success stories. The urge to dress is powerful indeed and if you combine that with an attitude touted by some people here that the urge to crossdress is nothing short of gender dysphoria, it can as you say give full rein to the pleasures of CDing and acquiring all the fun stuff and then reaching a sort of cognitive dissonance over wanting to dress in a society that does not embrace this, while still fundamentally being male or maybe gender-fluid.

So Bimini, the bottom line is that only you can determine who you are while hopefully being realistic about long-term scenarios as they might play out in your particular life.

[PaulaQ]

What I found odd is that I've met MtF transexuals that spoke and acted like they were still men. I guess living as a man for many decades (even if not identifying as one) becomes their personality?

A lot of us build up a mask or a shell to try to fit into a male role. It can be difficult to let go of this, because it feels protective. Unfortunately, while it might be protective, it strangles us , sometimes to death. In a lot of ways, this was just as painful for me towards the end as was my dysphoria about my body. The persona I created to hide my true self felt like it was dying, and in doing so, it threatened to take all of me with it. It was one of the most ghastly things I've ever experienced. My mind felt like it was dying.

It's possible to overcome this, although it involves quite a lot of work, very often. When I finally halted it, excising the parts that felt like dead tissue, some things in my former personality were just missing. (Fear is a good example of this. The lack of fear I experience will probably be the death of me. It's not the only thing missing, though.)

BTW, why wouldn't a trans woman, at least one who could tolerate it, continue to act as much like a man as she could muster? Femininity is largely valueless in our culture, and especially in our workplaces. Don't believe me? Try crying during a business meeting and then get back to me. It is also possible to be a very butch trans woman - there is nothing wrong with that.

Much what passes for defining what a man is, and what a woman is, is really just conforming to certain arbitrary standards - mostly the ones that match the values of the person who sits in judgement over whether or not a person is behaving in a masculine way or a feminine way. What do you mean when you say they "behaved like they were still men?"

In a lot of ways, this is a no win situation for us. If we are too feminine, we are often judged to be overcompensating. If we are too masculine, we are judged to be not even trying to be women. For me, the answers to who I was became clearer when I realized that most of the answers to questions about gender I've ever gotten from cisgender people have been completely nonsensical and contradictory. Cisgender people typically have an exceedingly superficial understanding of gender. They simply don't need to understand it because the world just works for them, at least as far as gender goes.

From the rare literature I found in the late '60s-early '70s, I concluded that I was a transvestite because female clothing was sexually arousing to me. "Trapped in the wrong body" doesn't describe the way I feel, but I've imagined having a women's body and I liked it a lot.

Finding clothing sexually arousing is irrelevant to whether or not you are, in fact a woman. It just isn't. Before the cis women chime in "oh oh oh - we aren't aroused by our clothing!!!!!" No, dears, you aren't. Lots of us aren't either. Some are, but at some point this passes.

Not all of us feel "trapped in the wrong body." I'm not even sure that applied to me. What I experienced was something altogether less pleasant.

[bimini1]

ReineD, Thanks for your insights on this post. Believe me, I am well aware the scenario I spoke about total social acceptance is not realistic. I was saying more of a "what if" angle.
Several years ago I had a cd friend. This was about 2003. We were both in about the same place, recently emerging and living in a kind of semi closet. Had been to a few events, support groups dressed etc. We were self identified CDers.
Fast forward today she is living 24/7, I say she because she is transitioned. She has kept private about GRS. I think socially more options were open to her. Now what I don't know is was she TS all along or did she go from CD to TS. Again, like you say only we can answer that. Maybe I should find her and ask her but she seems overtly sensitive about that now and seems to pull away from the whole trans world.
But my point is there were less constrictions on her than me. I often wonder if given her situation would I have done the same thing. Sometimes I wonder if I am TS, some signs seem to be present. But am so afraid of it because of the socialization piece telling me you are male for the past 50 years. The dysphoria is there and at times very strong but not to the point of saying to hell with my male life. Its akin to having a pet iguana, the animal will only grow as large as the enclosure you give it.

[PaulaQ]

Sometimes I wonder if I am TS, some signs seem to be present. But am so afraid of it because of the socialization piece telling me you are male for the past 50 years. The dysphoria is there and at times very strong but not to the point of saying to hell with my male life. Its akin to having a pet iguana, the animal will only grow as large as the enclosure you give it.

bimini1, I didn't start my transition until age 50. I would implore you in the sincerest way I can, to consider the following.

I felt exactly as you felt, trapped by the circumstances of my life. I knew that transition would end my marriage, and probably cost me everything that I'd worked for my entire life. That has proven to be the case, for the most part. No, I didn't transition because I thought it would be easy.

I did it because I had the horrible realization that my gender dysphoria had grown to a level that if I didn't do something about it, it was literally going to destroy me. In fact I waited too long - it was destroying me. I hit the wall "transition or die." And I waited so long that "or die" was the probable outcome.

Please don't wait this long, and for it to get that bad before dealing with your gender issues.

Waiting as long as I did is a way to become part of the 41% of us who attempt suicide. Some of us succeed. Please deal with this. Your death will be worse for everyone in your life than your transition - whatever "transition" means in your case.

Please understand that GD kills a LOT of us. It is beyond your control. And even if it never reaches that point, do you want to live in misery for however long you have left?

This isn't something you can control or manage. It just isn't. You need to understand who you are, and be true to that, basically regardless of the cost.

I wish it were otherwise, but it isn't.

[Tina_gm]

PaulaQ, what you did, what many TS women do, is wait until life is truly unbearable until transition. In a way, most who are TS even give the advice, don't transition unless you feel you have to. Then, once you do, you feel you wished you had done so long ago. Wasted many years of unhappiness, despair, torment. Some never transition or accept who they are, with sometimes fatal consequences.

So, to know you are truly ready to transition, (by most who are TS even) one must be at the darkest lowest point of their lives, and feel at this point, it isn't something I want to do, I have to do. It is a hard paradox. I wonder, as time passes.... many years, decades perhaps, and transgender becomes truly accepted more, will there be people who can do semi transitioning, living as women perhaps without having to go through the entire transition process. And be ok with it, as the general public will be ok with it. I think that someone who transitions early in life, the public will generally accept them now, but they do fully consider them women, and their bodies have been adjusted to be women physically. Having a V seems to mean so much to people to be considered women. But in the distant future, hopefully, more won't go through so much torment. Transition will hopefully be smoother, done earlier, and maybe it won't so often be an all or nothing sentiment. I know there are some who are at least for now holding off on a full physical transition, but all too often, until all steps are taken, most will never consider them women at all. Hopefully that will change in time.

[SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

So, even though there is no difference between TS and GG other than chromosomes, plenty TS act like men? Which leads me into the whole influence of socialization. Not just from the cis world either. I often wonder how many would even ponder transition had the Internet not come along and we started to build these communities. I believe that has got to factor into how far you would be willing to go to be yourself. Or if because of the influence of the togetherness of a trans community, there is that influence on the development and growth of that female identity that is you.

Acts like men- I get it that we who are different, genderwise, are brought into this world with expectations on us to "act like men" and we do. We even try to convince ourselves we are men. Try it hard enough for long enough, we can even believe it too. How many who are TS knew they were different but yet it wasn't an immediate oh I get it, I'm a woman. Socialization is a strong thing. Besides that, the genetics I think sometimes do play a big part. The torture that TS women often have, the intense dysphoria is from the body and brain in a huge disagreement about gender. The brain says woman, but the body says XY male.... Let's face it, the generic average male- close to 6ft tall, larger hands and feet, muscular development, is physically going to act more like a male than a female, at least in a lot of general appearance ways. They will walk more like a guy walks simply because of the physical XY genetics. Then add in the socialization aspects.

Think too, that there are things we do in general that we do not like about ourselves. I feel generally I am a positive minded person. BUT- my mother is by nature the poster child of the glass half empty. As much as I feel inside I am a positive minded person and strive to be, my upbringing and perhaps some genetics have caused me to look at negative aspects first. I hate that I do it, I hate when I realize it, or when it has been brought to my attention that I am looking and acting out negatively. I struggle internally trying to see the good first, which I truly wish to, yet my brain sometimes works in the opposite direction, because it was so programmed to do so from day one.

[ReineD]

Its akin to having a pet iguana, the animal will only grow as large as the enclosure you give it.

I know quite a few TSs too. None have told me they "became" women. They all feel they are women. Period.

And yes, transition is easier for some than others, as in how well accepted they are in their milieus. People who are respected in their jobs or are more affluent or have a good education and have the ability to advocate for themselves tend to do better than those who don't have those things. Transition is expensive. Certainly, married TSs who preserved their marriages seem to fare better than those who lost spouses and families. As to friends, they are replaceable. We've had several successful posts in the TS section lately and if you look back, you'll also see some very honest stories about things being difficult.

But if you post your concerns in the TS section they will tell you to not transition unless you absolutely have to. They will also tell you that being a woman post-transition just becomes ordinary. There are no special feelings associated with dressing up the way it might be for non-transitioners.

[Tina_gm]

ReineD, the euphoric or erotic sensation most CDers will talk about are because it is a special occasion to dress up, or go out dressed up. I sometimes think of it the same way as when I play golf for the 1st time of the year. Waited all winter, the weather is still crappy, my game is rusty, but it is such a great feeling to be out hitting it around. As the year goes on, I still look forward to playing, but the feeling isn't the same in August as it is in April.

Those who dress daily or at least very frequently who are not TS probably get a similar feeling about it just being natural, everyday part of life, I am thinking anyway.

[ReineD]

Gendermutt ... why are you bringing up euphoria and erotic feelings? This is not what I meant by "special feelings" if this is what you're thinking. I meant "improved mood" or the feeling that something is different, which ceases to exist after someone transitions because life as a woman just is all the time. It becomes ordinary.

[Tina_gm]

Oh ok. I was thinking the implication of special feelings meant something along those lines. I do understand that once someone is living life in a way their brain is aligned gender wise, in time, it just becomes normal.

[Megan G]

Yes, if you ask in the TS section most of us will answer with the transitional "don't transition unless you have to". There is a reason for it, it is unfreeking believably hard and you risk so much, Financial security, career,friends,family and anything else you can possibly think of. Some have had it easy but for many they have had it hard. We don't do it because of an increase or societal acceptance or because of communities that have been built online... We do it to save our lives like PaulaQ said. It's a last ditch effort to survive..

I meant "improved mood" or the feeling that something is different, which ceases to exist after someone transitions because life as a woman just is all the time. It becomes ordinary.

Yes, life does become ordinary after transition. But it's a great ordinary finally being who you have always truly been. The highlight for me when I was over at a friends place the other day looking at her new house. She said casually "in the 30 years we have known each other I have never seen you so happy, so content in life".

[flatlander_48]

What I found odd is that I've met MtF transexuals that spoke and acted like they were still men. I guess living as a man for many decades (even if not identifying as one) becomes their personality?

I think it goes beyond personality. For 30, 40, 50 years people have experienced the social setting that we know as Life from a male perspective. While they may not have been in agreement with it and/or had difficulty with it, it is the environment that one needs to navigate; it is the reference. Over time habits and defense mechanisms are developed in order to cope with the situation at hand. It's what our subconscious does in order to attempt to protect us and keep the stress levels down.

So, obviously transition is a major life experience. But the thing is, all of ones previous habits and defense mechanisms still exist. If all of these have been put in place and refined over 30, 40, 50 years, how easy would it be to undo? Even then, after these habits and defense mechanisms have been reduced to some manageable level (and however long that would take), they would need to be replaced by a different set of habits and defense mechanisms. That takes time also.

Anyway, the point is that I think it is much deeper than personality and perhaps relates more to what actually drives human behavior.

PaulaQ, what you did, what many TS women do, is wait until life is truly unbearable until transition. In a way, most who are TS even give the advice, don't transition unless you feel you have to. Then, once you do, you feel you wished you had done so long ago. Wasted many years of unhappiness, despair, torment. Some never transition or accept who they are, with sometimes fatal consequences.

Buried in there is the assumption that one had sufficient life experience, relative stability, etc. at an earlier age in order to be able to make transition work. That may or may not be the case. One may wish that they had done something sooner, but that doesn't necessarily mean that the outcome would be the same or better.

DeeAnn

[PaulaQ]

PaulaQ, what you did, what many TS women do, is wait until life is truly unbearable until transition. In a way, most who are TS even give the advice, don't transition unless you feel you have to. Then, once you do, you feel you wished you had done so long ago.

I don't quite view this the same way as everyone else does. I don't say "don't transition unless you have to." Rather, I would say be rigorously honest about who you are, and if that is sufficiently different from how the world views you, and how you live your life, then transition as soon as possible.

How hard it is doesn't really matter. How resource intensive it is doesn't matter. The cost to your present life doesn't matter.

I'm not saying pull the pin with no plan or preparation. I'm simply saying that if you need this, the other costs don't matter.

I think that someone who transitions early in life, the public will generally accept them now, but they do fully consider them women, and their bodies have been adjusted to be women physically. Having a V seems to mean so much to people to be considered women.

That all depends. You can find plenty of girls who transitioned young who'll tell you they have problems finding men who'll date them.

As for the vagina - not really. People say it does, but how does anyone but a doctor or sex partner even know what you have? Its just most cis people don't think about gender in terms of anything above their waist...

[Jennifer0874]

This thread has been very insightful. I'm 98% sure I'm TS, but something is holding me back from going all the way. Which doesn't make sense to me because I dress 24/7. So why don't I take the final steps? Maybe this means I am already TS. Do I need HRT to be TS or is the full time presentation enough?

Therapy is my friend.

[Tina_gm]

Paula, that was basically what I was getting at. Cisgender people mostly will only think of someone as a woman when they have the female parts. Most of us here know that gender is what is between the ears, not between the legs. My thought is that when a day comes that a majority of society begins to understand and accept this, many who wait until transition or die may not do so. Transition may begin happening sooner, perhaps in longer stages for some, and people will already be more apt to think of them as the gender they identify as, even though physically they are not how they identify as.

[grace7777]

This thread has been very insightful. I'm 98% sure I'm TS, but something is holding me back from going all the way. Which doesn't make sense to me because I dress 24/7. So why don't I take the final steps? Maybe this means I am already TS. Do I need HRT to be TS or is the full time presentation enough?

Therapy is my friend.

In my opinion being TS is who you are. Doing HRT or GRS does not make you TS. Now being TS often results in someone wanting to go ahead with HRT and GRS.

Someone can be TS and yet present as male 24/7, due to fearing what will happen if they come out publicly as TS.

[arbon]

Being a woman is who I am.

Increasingly I find myself rejecting the TS or transsexual labels. It was only a stage I needed to go through to get to where I am. I don't feel like I am really trans.

Often people state they are TS but not doing anything about it. I don't understand if that means they realize they are women but choose to live life as a man, or if they feel they are something other then man or woman.

[PaulaQ]

Being a woman is who I am. ... I don't feel like I am really trans.

I hear this a lot. I actually can relate to it. Now that my body and mind are congruent, I don't really feel very different from other people. I still list myself as a trans woman, and am out about it, because I know that my history, if nothing else, gives me a perspective on gender that very few people have. And while I may feel like everyone else, I know that in many ways, I'm not like everyone else.

I spent a lot of time, early on, lamenting the fact that I'd never be "normal." (Whatever that means.) Now? I'm very happy that I'm not. I look at the world around me, the world largely built by cisgender people in absolute disgust. No, the parts of me that feel "normal", "not trans", "just like everyone else", are the parts that make me ashamed when I see the cruelty and injustice of our society.

Not criticizing anyone for feeling "no longer trans." I really do understand the feeling, and it is pretty common.

[Secret Drawer]

This is a very interesting thread, although it is also frustrating in many ways. The hard thing about it is that some of us may be or probably are TS but because of buried senses of self, denial, and social pressure we soldier on. There is much to be considered in what PaulaQ says, although the "how?" is pretty strong for many...
One thing that cis-gendered GG's and GM's must consider is that even if some of us are TS we cannot "know" we are the opposite gender. I ask all cis-gendered this:

What does it feel like to be a man? A woman? Where are your reference points? We are born "into" a person, we cannot swap bodies or even minds to "know" how it feels to be something or someone else, or a different gender. Why is this "I feel like a man trapped in a womans body, or the converse;" even a thing? How is this possible?
Only a post op TS has that privilage! The thing Megan G said about feeling normal! Hello, thats the point! Some of us have been so not feeling normal for so long that it "feels normal" to be anxious and screwed up. It is a tough way to live and it is virtually impossible for a cis-gendered person to understand. Knowledge yes... Understanding, no.

[PaulaQ]

I ask all cis-gendered this:

What does it feel like to be a man? A woman?

I can tell you that this question is as useless as asking a fish "how's the water." They simply don't know - they are immersed in it. People who are trans, I believe, perceive gender in a way that is impossible for someone who's cisgender. We also spend way more time thinking about it.

Rather than ask "am I TS?" ask:
Ask yourself "How do I feel living my life now?"
Ask yourself "Do I feel connected to other people, or do I feel alienated? Do people of your gender make sense to you?"
Also, think about your face, your hair, your body, your genitals. Has anything about them bothered you over time?
How do you feel about the person who looks back at you in the mirror?
When you really think back on your childhood, anything gender related stand out?
Ask "Who am I?". The answer that you don't like is probably the correct one.

My answers, when I started:
"How do I feel living my life now?" - I felt miserable. I felt like a prisoner in solitary. Dressing was like a brief visit to the prison yard, alone, but feeling fresh air and daylight. I wanted to die.

"Do I feel connected to other people, or do I feel alienated? Do people of your gender make sense to you?" - I felt like I must've been from another planet. Women didn't react to me in ways that made sense. I had NO IDEA how to behave like the other guys. It felt like an act - it WAS an act. I tried to observe and behave as they did. It got easier, but it was always an act. I always had to watch what I did and said, and edit things before I said them, lest I say something that revealed too much. I would've been happy being a machine or a robot - anything to have no feelings.

"Also, think about your face, your hair, your body, your genitals. Has anything about them bothered you over time?" - I'm told I was not unattractive. I thought I was hideous. I hated my face, my hair, my body. Puberty was a nightmare, as I sprouted dense body hair and facial hair. My face changed. My voice dropped. I hated my voice - I felt like it was a giveaway. I worked to try to speak with as little inflection as I could. People liked my voice. I was always complemented on it. I could barely stand to hear it. I didn't enjoy having penetrative sex, but I did it for women I was with - they expected it.

"How do you feel about the person who looks back at you in the mirror?" - I hated him. I always hated him. There was a terrible, feeling, something enraged, within me, that wanted that guy to die. Preferably a horrible death. I felt worthless, I felt ugly, unlovable, alone, hated. Everything about him was wrong. Towards the end, when I looked in the mirror, death stared back at me.

"When you really think back on your childhood, anything gender related stand out?" - I was uncomfortable around groups of boys. I never felt I fit in. I spent time at a summer camp for boys, and in a boy's ward of a children's hospital. I was terrified. I was terrified to be in a locker room when I was in school. I had a lot more in common with my sister, and her friends, than with the boys my age. I always wanted to be a girl.

Lots more could be said by me about all this.

Ask "Who am I?". The answer that you don't like is probably the correct one. - I realized that I'm a woman. It was on a cold, dark march night, 3 years ago, that I came to realize this. It was not the answer I wanted. It took a lot to get to this point - I had tried all sorts of things to avoid this conclusion. In the end, I had no tricks left, other than suicide. I'd tried everything. It was bitter to realize that my life had been a lie, and that I'd really never been honest about anything about myself with anyone. No one knew me, really. I was 50 years old, and utterly alone.

As to whether or not you need to transition in some manner, only you can answer that. Sometimes the answers to the questions above make that more clear. However, that you ask the question at all speaks volumes. Cisgender people simply do not think about "should I be the opposite gender?"