Are there those here that are know inside they are really TS?

[Suzanne F]

As some of you know I began here about 2.5 years ago. In a very deep conversation with my wife I revealed something. She asked me if I wanted to be a woman and I said sometimes. I had only Dressed a few times in my life and was not a crossdresser. I found this site and my wife helped me dress one night that changed my life. I saw myself in the mirror. That lead to a beautiful and difficult journey. I am legally a woman, have been on HRT for 9 months, live 24/7 and will have SRS and BA on May 11th. Yes my wife and I are still together.

I would like to know how many of you feel inside that this is where you are headed. If so, what are your feelings? How many of you feel that you are TS but know you will never transition? I still love to read the posts in this section. I have many forum friends, both crossdressers and TS women, that I see on a regular basis. I will always be grateful that I had this site to come to when I started this journey. Dreams do come true!

Suzanne

[MissDanielle]

I am TS and I am going to start transitioning the moment I move in just over two weeks. Part of me has known since middle school. Raided my mom's closet a few times but that was the extent of things until this past November when things really began to surface again. I've reached the point in which guy clothes are completely unbearable and I'm going to fully come out as trans shortly after I move. And by after I move, I mean as soon as I get a job.

[AllieSF]

I am still figuring this out. I will not impede anything as it happens, but I will also not force or rush anything until the path is clear. All this is new to me, but I (and you) do know that I am more than a CD. Clarity is not easy at all for some late bloomers.

[Curiosity666]

For the longest time I had myself convinced I was "Just a crossdresser". I've never felt "dysphoria" or had any aversion to living as male. However coming out of a relationship and a few other life events have caused me to reevaluate, as well as provide a fair amount of freedom to dress. I concluded that I was actually afraid of the possibility of being transgender, and I cannot say for sure that I am not. This caused a shift in my thinking. I no longer fear that possibility, so I now label myself as questioning. I haven't been out in girl mode, and still have a lot of exploring to do in that regard. What I will do is explore my girl side thoroughly, and hopefully come to a conclusion as to whether I would want to transition or not. I don't really care which was the desicion goes, but I want to be able to say 100% either way, rather then living without knowing who I really am for sure.

[hope springs]

A good question in an appropriate place. For any SOs reading this, dont panic, most dressers are not TS. Having said that:
I have no idea if Im trans or not. Im leaning toward non-binary at this point and lean more toward the feminine. I started therapy last week and will continue until its all sorted out.
My feeling about it are just let it unfold organically. Everyone deserves to live authentically. If i am trans, i will get on low dose HRT to see how it affects me mentally. My wife does waver but is mostly very supportive.
Many trans persons are sure about transition. However there are a small percentage that struggle whether transition is right for them. So just be honest with yourself and dont fear the truth

[Robin414]

OMG, thank you for this post Suzanne! I'm somewhere in between myself and until recently the (gender) fluid was seriously pooling on the pink side but lately it's like the truck stopped accelerating and it's beginning to even out. Not sure if the driver is going to hit a red light and step on the blue pedal...and then stomp on the pink one again 😧

I should totally paint my brake pedal blue and the gas pink...hmmm, what about the clutch though 😂

[mechamoose]

Short answer: Yes.

Somewhat longer answer: It is complicated. I'm probably not the best member to help you.

TS/TG/Gayish.. all *very* blurry lines...

- MM

[Janet161]

Hi Suzanne. I know we have not spoken but I like your posts. I think you are a very sweet person. I know what and who I am. I am TS and it's very real and very serious. I have told my wife and, not surprisingly, she's not real happy about it.
I could not stand telling her that I just have to do this crossdressing thing to express my feminine side or some other minimization technique. I don't like hiding who I really am. I do that enough to the rest of the world, I just couldn't take doing it at home anymore.
I am sure that my situation is not unique here. I have made choices over the years and made commitments and created a life that demands that I keep my true self hidden from most of the world. Does that make me a big chicken? I am afraid it does. So I live with it. It's not a happy existence as many here know.
It's hard to share all these feelings with your spouse because the more you say about it, the more hurtful to her it can be. I do not think that crossdressing is an end in itself or my goal or the answer to my problems. It is a way of coping. A way to keep from losing it. I lost it bad last year and I am digging out from the hole I made. Getting dressed up and going out to an accepting club helps me cope. People say, I don't know why I crossdress. Well, I know exactly why I do it. It's my chance to express my true self. But I know it's only temporary.
Will I ever transition? Great question. I think that I will not. Do I wish that I would/could? Yes I do. I understand how hard it is. I admire you and other people who have done/are doing it.

[sometimes_miss]

I'm sort of on the opposite end of this. For years I thought that I was TS, but wouldn't ever transition because there simply wasn't any way in the world that I could ever be the woman I had wanted to be; I grew up an ugly, unattractive boy, and had experienced all the isolation that went along with that. Did I really want to spend the rest of my life as an unattractive mtf TS woman, and more of the same? Besides, the research hadn't been done yet, not enough information was available, to tell me that what I was feeling wasn't exactly the need to be female. All I knew was that I had grown up believing that I really was, and expected to become, a girl when I reached puberty. Everything I knew pointed to that. It all made sense. And yet, it was all based on misinterpretation of events, brought on by believing a lie told to me by someone else for his own gain. To the average person, it's impossible to describe why it felt so right when I dressed up completely as a girl, and embraced all the feelings and behaviors that I believed girls experienced. All brought on because that's what I thought I was supposed to feel. And that made it real to me. But it was the last part that kept me from doing it, from trying to pursue transitioning. The lack of attraction to men. I couldn't understand why it wasn't there. The 'lesbian in a man's body' concept just didn't make any sense to me. I knew lesbians, and they envied ME my access, as a straight guy, to the most beautiful girls (even though I didn't necessarily go out with them, the remote possibility was there, at least). The mystery gradually unfolded as I slowly discovered how women and men differ in the way we think and experience the world. By the time I came across the Pease's books which documented what I had suspected, I was pretty much convinced, but their research nailed it down. I wasn't a girl at all. All the early evidence I was sure of, was just used to support an erroneous hypothesis. In retrospect, I was fortunate that I had that one doubt, or I may have proceeded, and the severe gender dysphoria I felt might have made me lie my way through the approval process for HRT and SRS. I knew the answers that I would have been expected to give. And it makes me wonder, how many others have faked their way through it all because they really believed what they were doing was the right thing. It all came down to, would I have been happier as a female? I don't think so. Overall, it would simply have been an exchange of one set of problems for another. And as much as I've had periods where I felt very depressed, none of it was debilitating, and I had found ways to enjoy parts of my life even while having this odd uncomfortable feeling about what I was, always lingering in the background of my mind.

[Jazzy Jaz]

I am fixed (meaning I don't fluctuate) bigender (roughly 50/50). Because of this I do experience gender dysphoria but I also am comfortable in my male body. My personality, emotions, inside etc is completely mixed but my body is male so physically I don't get the balance that I need and CDing isn't quite enough. If I could magically pick but it had to be one body or the other I would choose female but in that case I would still be the roughly 50% male on the inside. The reason I would choose a female body would be for sexual/beauty/dressing purposes. I would just love to actually fit the female clothes I wear properly and wear them in public not as a CDer but as a woman. I would also love to enjoy sex as a female. In a female body I could still wear male clothes and look "great" in them and fit in with society still as a woman where in a male body I would not fit/blend in and would be looked at (including by me) as a CDer. Nothing wrong with being a CDer but I dress wishing to be a woman in the mirror not a CDer. Plus the fashion that I like does not blend in unless at something formal/sexy but in a womans body even if I didn't blend in it would be because I look good.

However the ultimate solution for me would be to be able to switch back and forth between bodies. I still definately enjoy sex as a man and like my look as a man in drab. Because I am a mix of both genders and I am for the half part comfortable in my male body, and also I feel that I was born into this body as a bigender/TG person for a reason, I do not feel that transition is right for me. Also I love being my gf's bf. Thus I am condemned to indefinate mild/medium gender dysphoria.

[Curiosity666]

If I could magically pick but it had to be one body or the other I would choose female but in that case I would still be the roughly 50% male on the inside. The reason I would choose a female body would be for sexual/beauty/dressing purposes.

I wonder though, if the reason that you say you would pick a female form is down the the "novelty factor". As you haven't truly experienced having a female body you feel like you want to try it out. However, maybe you would regret that in a few years and want to go back to having a male body?

[ringo]

I have been dressing since my childhood. I thought i was just a crossdresser until recently : i feel more and more uncomfortable with male clothes and it even happened that i almost cried unpacking my luggage ^^" everytime i have to go outside and change to male clothes i feel terrible. Recently i have let my fem side express more and more. I don't know what it means. Wednesday i will join a support group to find out once and for all who i am and what i need

[steftoday]

Like Allie stated; I'm still trying to figure it out. I've felt "different" since about age 5. If I look deep down inside, I'd say "maybe so".

Janet61's post is pretty spot on, too. We make choices and commitments, and live with that path and those choices. In retrospect, sometimes I wish I could have taken a different path.

I hang out in the TS section, and I read all the posts there, (including you Suzanne). I admire these women so much, and am in awe of their courage and strength.

[pamela7]

Rather like curiosity666, i thought initially CD, but as i allowed myself the processing space and time, everything fell into place and crystalised into TS; my life fits this like Cinderella's slipper fits her foot.

[Launa]

I think that I could be but at my age I won't go down the long road. If I knew in my teens what I know now I would have to really consider it. Its a hard thing to stop when it feels so right.

[Teresa]

Suzanne,
I had to try gender counselling to try and find the answer, I'm comfortable where I am now knowing I'm just on the male side of the line, there is a conflict in my head and the male side wins out. This goes right back to my childhood and has remained with me till this day, dressing satisfies the female needs but it is a constant need that sometimes has to be suppressed. Unlike some members I can only go days between not weeks or months.

My wife and family know about my CDing, but my wife prefers not to be involved, she knows I'm not gay . I have a normal relationship with women in drab and an enhanced one dressed, in fact I partly dress to attract women. My counsellor considered this and appeared comfortable with the term male lesbian. In fact if I'd been born a woman I would be Bi or a lesbian, having no interest in men sexually at all.

[Jenny22]

In my childhood (late 40s, early 50s), I wanted to be a girl so I could dress like my older sisters and be pretty. I did whenever I had the chance. This was before puberty, and certainly wasn't for sexual reasons. I had no idea there was a term for it (TV) until many years later, and then I read everything (library) I could on the subject, because I was one. In those tender years I still dreamed of being a girl (GD?). When I married and had intimate times with my wife, I would often imagine that I was participating as the female. My dear wife knew of this so she didn't discourage my need to dress (CD?) to express my feminine side (TG?). She knew of my dream to be a female (TS?). But in those days, SRS was really unknown compared to how it become later. Regardless, due to lack of funds and aging, SRS was not going to happen. So, I remained TG, with regrets, but I am happy with a loving wife, and that's what counts, now. I hope all of this makes sense in my trying to answer Suzanne's questions.

[Suzanne F]

I love these heart felt responses! I know that I am very lucky to have found so much support to go through this. It breaks my heart that people have had to give up being themselves to make others happy. However, I understand that and I appreciate what you have done for your families. I want my very public transition to have a larger meaning. I hope that in some way I will make it easier for young TS women to avoid having to make such a choice.
Suzanne

[OCCarly]

I've spent my whole adult life in denial about it, but the bottom line is, my blood pressure runs about 20 points higher when I spend a day in boy mode than when I am in girl mode. And I want so badly to transition. But my wife does not want me to be publicly out, and I love her and want to stay married. I keep hoping and praying society will change, and fighting for small victories, like recent trips out partially dressed. But yes, I know deep down that I am transgender/transsexual.

[missjoann]

Suzanne...I know very much about your difficult journey as I had taken that road many years ago, and I am not sorry that I did...I am very happy now being who I am...I am also very glad for you hat you have a very supporting wife during this difficult time

[AlyssaS]

I have zero sexual attraction to men and the thought of having a vagina makes me ill. But I want a more feminine body --- I want breasts, curves, and soft skin. I don't know what that makes me. If I never met my wife and had kids, I might have transitioned an stopped before the final surgery, but now I enjoy the male part of sex too much to do that. So I do what I can.

[MissDanielle]

Not everyone who goes on HRT undergoes SRS. If you underwent hRT, you'd have a lower libido but you'd have everything else.

[Robyn2006]

As I always think to myself, if I won the lottery I'd be on HRT in a heartbeat... but for now, it's not in the cards.
All I know is that I'm only happy, truly myself when my outside matches the woman I am inside. It's not a fetish, not a distraction...

[AlyssaS]

Can you remain sexually functional with HRT? My understanding was that the doses required to have any significant breast development/fat redistribution would mean that it's not just a lower libido, but a loss of erections.

[Zooey]

Not everyone who goes on HRT undergoes SRS. If you underwent hRT, you'd have a lower libido but you'd have everything else.

As a person who who has not yet had SRS, but has been on HRT for a while, I'll just say that this is not quite true. You may still have the equipment, but i can pretty much guarantee you that at some point it will stop working the way it used to. Without getting too graphic, I'll just say that I've got about a third of what I used to have, and what's left doesn't really work the same way at all.