Well things finally come to a head. In December 2014 I came out to my wife about my CD-ing. At first it came as a bit surprise to her as is does to most spouses. At first she was a bit reserved on her feelings and was a bit hesitant on her acceptance. Well throughout 2015 she became more and more supportive. She warmed up to the concept of me dressing, buying clothes, and wearing them. She still had a hard time with the make up though. But as the year went on I could tell she was more and more acceptance of it all. She even bought me clothes, she bought me make up… oh wait I thought she had a hard time with that. Yes I’ll get to that. She bought me shoes, clothes, we went shopping for girly things together, we’d go and get pedicures together, and various of other things. Now the things we did do were nothing over the top. If I saw a shirt that I liked she would let me or she’d bough it for me as well as other clothes. If she went shopping she’d ask me several times if I wanted anything and my response was usually no. But when she persisted I’d say sure, I’m a size 8 in shorts or jeans. And all in behold she’d come back with a pair of shorts or jeans. She would even ask me to go and try on the shorts or jeans because she wanted to see. Usually her comments were they look good. And same with the make up, during this last Christmas, she asked if I wanted anything. I said if you find one of those make up cases that has all of the eye shadow I’d like one. And of course she bought me one. Sometimes one of the things we’d do together was go shopping on a Friday or Saturday night. It was almost like our date night. We’d go out and go shopping for not only guy things but girly things too. It was one of those things we did. She often would say were not shopping for me we’re shopping for you as we’re going through the women’s shirts. She would buy me a shirt or something if she knew I liked it.
Well this last Friday she and I had a talk about several things we’ve got going on in our lives. Somehow or another she kept throwing at me words of “you and your dressing”. Finally I said some time we need to talk about that and not right now because previous conversations did not set the tone or mood. After a few more comments I said fine we’ll talk about it now. Now mind you neither one of us were mad, we just had some other family things to talk about and discuss. But as I asked her about the clothes and things she came out and said I just can’t handle it. The thought of you dressing has put me over I can’t do it. I asked why all of a sudden the change. She said there were several things, 1) she looked over my shoulder the other day and saw me on Pinterest. She said she saw a picture of a man with make-up on and it freaked her out. 2) she came back from a business trip the other day and when she walked into the closet saw a pair of sandals and running shoes on my storage bin (all of which have some clothes neatly folded and hidden behind my guy clothes in the closet). She said she saw the shoes first thing when she walked into the closet and it freaked her out once again. She said those were the two things that put her over. The thought of you wearing a bra or make up disgusts me. But yet she said I’m ok with you wearing some of the underwear (yes I’m scratching my head too). She said I just can’t do it and all I want to do is take it all and throw it in the trash. By this time I’m not sure if I was more mad, more confused, more hurt, or a combination of all the above. So I said fine I’ll take care of it all.
Now I’m at a point to where I have to go and put it all away, more so out of sight out of mind. I can fit most of my things in the storage bin no problem. But I think the thing that really gets me is that where is all of this coming from? She’s been so supportive over this last year, bought me things, and we’ve done things together. Part of me wants to be mad, part of me wants to just dress up and say screw it (but I’m not), and another part of me is just confused and don’t know what direction to turn. Just like most of us her we all have the urge to dress, it’s not something we can just stop especially since we’ve done it from childhood. It’s a part of us. Anyway, I’m just rambling on. Thanks for listening. Nikki
