Unique situation

[Rachael Leigh]

The title pretty much says it all, my situation is like this my wife is aware of my dressing she's seen me dress and we have been to Vegas together with me dressed twice in two years.
So here's the deal she really doesn't want me to be this way, I've told her it is a part of me but she much would prefer it to go away.
It's been a major strain on our marriage especially over the last few since I've come to accept myself.
I do understand her and yet I so wish she could understand me and how this effects me.
I don't want us to move on from one another because I deeply care and love her, however I've been a terrible husband over the years. It's difficult for me to back away for much longer then a few weeks in my dressing.
I've made some local cd friends but she feels it would not be a good idea to meet up just to shop or go out. I have a hard time understanding that but yet I do understand.
So anyway I want her happy and I want her to accept as much of me as she can but how and how do I not make it so bad for her that she's not proud to call me her husband I'm just so want to make our lives work best for us both.
We have been together 33 years and I don't want to let that be for nothing
Leigh

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Leigh, My wonderfulWife of 52years a couple years ago she said stat she just anted it to all go away,

I said the only way that it will ever go away is if I take it with me when I leave.

We both agree that being in our 70s' we both need each other. ~~......

[Dana44]

Hi, Leigh, Yeah, I've had to cut back also. It does put a strain in the relationship. I would sit down and have a good talk with her to find a good solution for you two. Perhaps therapy also may be good to work it out. I myself have been through many relationships and am trying to keep my GF now. It is hard being us and my androgynous side has always put a strain in my relationship's. Communication is the key and it takes a lot of that to solve any issues.

[Eryn]

Leigh, logically most would want to have it "go away".

However, it isn't going to. Dwelling on an impossible goal just leads to frustration for you both.

Better to concentrate on being the best husband you can be in the present situation. That is an attainable goal that is good for both of you.

[docrobbysherry]

It's extremely rare after couples that have been together a long time to grow together. It's normal for them to grow apart. And, this is as normal for vanillas as it is for dressers and their SO's.

If your wife, (or any wife), over the years hasn't developed her own friends and activities that don't involve u, and doesn't go golfing or hang with u and your buddies, it's not your fault! She's jealous, unhappy with her life and may want to take u down with her.

If she does have her own separate activities, why would she begrudge u yours? Whether that be card games or golf with the boys or dressing up and meeting others for drinks at a club?

Think about that----------

[Tracii G]

Sherry makes a good point.
If she doesn't have friends, a hobby or interest outside you as a couple she needs one.
Sounds like she is playing a guilt trip on you to make you feel like its all your fault.
Personally I wouldn't put up with that and have a talk with her.
You always giving in and being Mr nice guy will only make you a target and she will not respect you.
I have been thru that twice so I do know how that works.

[Michelle (Oz)]

Leigh

Your's is certainly not a unique situation - maybe different nuances but the same emotions and frustrations as many of us (CDers and wives). And it seems that there's no perfect solution.

One difference is that my wife has never seen me dressed or photos of me. I'm not sure whether that's a good thing (in her view she doesn't want to ruin her image of me as her husband) or a bad thing (we don't share an important facet of me). We now operate in a DADT arrangement. She knows where my clothes are (spare bedroom) and that I dress but not when (4 days a week), where (anywhere) and how.

I have made it clear that I can't stop and after a very rocky period she now accepts that. My choice is to live compartmentalised male and female lives using a self-storage shed to change between. I know now that she does love me unconditionally and we will be together til death do us part.

Try not to stress over your situation but find a positive loving path that accommodates both of you.

[lingerieLiz]

I don't agree with Sherry.
My wife has had a career, great friends, traveled and many other things. I've traveled, had a great career, friends etc. etc.
My wife accepts that I CD. BUT, she would like it if I didn't and that goes for daughters, mother.
The truth is that life would be easier if I didn't, but I accept that I do without knowing the root cause.

Anyway life is a two way street I try to be what my wife wants me to be and on the other hand she accepts that I'm who I am. Part of the reason I don't wear dresses and makeup (I also no longer would pass and not interested in being a man in a dress) is she doesn't like it and it isn't a killer for me. I like casual women's clothes and she accepts them. She accepts underdressing even if it is obvious at times.

[Jenniferathome]

Leigh, I think you need to be pragmatic and have the honest conversation with your wife. Some thing along the lines of," Sweetie, I know you don't like this side of me but it is me. I can make sure you never have to see this side and you do not have to participate in it at all but you have to know its here to stay." And go from there.

I can can tell you that my wife does not "like" my cross dressing but she does not hate it either. It just "is" and she gets that and can accept it and be part of that side of me. Not all wives can do that and we should not expect it. I think your wife gave it the old college try but it didn't work out. Let her know that is ok but neither she nor you can wish it out of existence.

By the way, I also have to disagree with Sherry. Individuals may find new hobbies they do not share with a husband or wife, but that is NOT growing apart. Seperate interests are fine but cross dressing is not an "interest" or "hobby." Perhaps that is something she misunderstands?

[Stephanie47]

About thirty plus years ago my wife and I entered into a DADT marriage. We had some years of bedroom play with lingerie and stockings. When my interests expanded she was turned off. We had the talk. I told her the truth. I had no idea why I liked to wear women's clothing, and, yes, I wish I did not have those desires. But, it is what it is. I do not present in any manner before her, and, I have no desire to do so. I feel totally at ease as a man. Most of the time I am unshaven and some of my pants are so well worn that she has threatened to burn them if I wear them off the property.

My wife still works part-time, i.e., full days when she wants which affords me ample time to bring forth Stephanie since I'm a retiree. I encourage her to have her own friends and activities. We are not glued at the hips, but, we share time together. The hardest part of DADT is not sharing, but, I accept her viewpoint. I cannot stop being who I am. And, I do not think a woman after thirty-three years of marriage or forty plus should tell her husband to stop being himself.

Leigh, I suppose you and your wife really need to confront the issue. Will you really make her happy for more than a few weeks before she finds some other issue if you give it up? And, how will you react? Be miserable?

[docrobbysherry]

I don't agree with Sherry.
My wife has had a career, great friends, traveled and many other things. I've traveled, had a great career, friends etc. etc.
My wife accepts that I CD. BUT, she would like it if I didn't and that goes for daughters, mother.
The truth is that life would be easier if I didn't, but I accept that I do without knowing the root cause.
-------------------------

U may not agree with me, Liz. But, u sound exactly like the rare, happy couple that proves my point. Your wife has her own life and activities. So, altho she doesn't like your dressing, she accepts your need to do it!

--------------------------------------------
By the way, I also have to disagree with Sherry. Individuals may find new hobbies they do not share with a husband or wife, but that is NOT growing apart. Seperate interests are fine but cross dressing is not an "interest" or "hobby." Perhaps that is something she misunderstands?

Instead of saying, "growing apart", Jenn, maybe I should have said over the years they tend develop new interests that don't involve their partner?

I'll argue with your last statement. There r quite a large number of dressers that do consider what we do sort of a "hobby". Not like golf or model trains, tho.

And, for older dressers that feel they r trans, wouldn't u think a loving life partner would be even more accepting of their SO's dressing if she thot he believed that he was finally expressing was who he really is? Maybe not like it, but be more supportive than if he thot of it as a hobby?

I was married so I know staying with someone for life because u love them requires a lot of communication, work, soul searching, and compromise. Usually after a period of time, one or the other just can't take all that anymore. They stay together. But, for reasons other than love and as the years go by, drift further and further apart. Eventually becoming roommates.

That's why reading posts like Liz's is special for me. Somehow, those rare, happy couples make their affection and intimacy last!

[ReineD]

It's the old "push-pull" relationship dynamic. Explain to your wife that the less she insists that you should not do this and the more freedom you feel to express yourself, the less it will occupy your thoughts ... eventually (you'll need to get your new freedom out of your system first).

Here's an example of "push-pull" at play, as it relates to wanting to eat lasagna. It's in the first part of the article (#4): http://www.cracked.com/blog/the-4-ea...-relationship/

Most of the "push-pull" articles are about one partner wanting more closeness while the other wants more distance, but basically it boils down to trying to impose values or conditions on someone else, that backfires. So it's best to take a step back and let things find their own balance.

[kittie60]

I am in the same situation Leigh and it doesn't get any easier. My wife moved out over 2 years ago. We're still married and see one another 3 or 4 days a month. She knows and has even been to the doctors with me that I was normed TG.right now we're trying to work something feasible out. She does agree on me having my friends and going out with them and even getting a motel room for the weekend excursions once in awhile.she accepts my everyday appearance for work, but wants nothing to do with anything else. There's.more to this but I'm not going to get into it. Its along story but we've been together 34 years. Just have to wait and see what happens like you. Anyway I truely wish the best for you both.

[CarlaWestin]

.........................I know you don't like this side of me but it is me. I can make sure you never have to see this side and you do not have to participate in it at all but you have to know its here to stay.................

This is pretty much the direction we are going. My disclosure 4-5 years ago didn't go smooth at all. I even heard her say, "I can't talk to any family or friends about this and I can't even leave." Occasionally, I'll push the DADT issue a little but, usually, there's no compromise. So, I suggest that she expand her social circle and create more activity to enrich her retirement. At the same time, I realize that I need to own the situation honestly. I have my Carla time in the early morning every day and then, the weekends and evenings are totally dedicated to us. We've even started doing one day road trips every weekend.

Crossdressing is the passion of my life but, my wife is the love of my life. And, I'm responsible for keeping her happy.

[Lucey]

LeighR... We have been together 33 years and I don't want to let that be for nothing

Hope you and your wife can work things out, as there must be some common ground in your marriage for the both of you to be still together after 30 plus years. After 40 plus years for my wife and I, sometimes life seems to be hard and you both can take a tumble. But over the years, we seem to find a way to stand back up and learn from what took place and our life's mistakes. Really wishing you both the best with finding a solution.

ReineD... Really enjoyed reading the article you posted and found it well written, along with some very good advice.

A quote from the article that I liked was... Occasional time to yourself allows you both to experience different things, which in turn allows for new conversations. Things you can share with each other, but don't necessarily experience together.

[BettyMorgan]

I accept whatever my SO accepts of me. Period.
I fell in love with a beautiful woman and she fell in love with a man. Afterwards, I sprung this part of my life on her. I changed the "deal" we both accepted when we did fall in love.

I can only speak to my experience. Would I be happy if I came home and saw her in a lumberjack shirt, a beard and a fake package? Hell, no! I'd be uncomfortable and turned off. So why would I expect her to easily embrace the the way I sometimes present myself - dress, forms, stockings, heels, wig? Don't get me wrong, she accepts me for me, but I know it's a challenge for her some days especially when I present a little too feminine. She has her limits and lines and I understand her feelings change as we grow together. But I will NEVER whine about why she can't accept my crossdressing.

[Alice Torn]

Leigh, Thanks for sharing. Though i have never been married or in a steady relationship, i have dated some, and i found every Gg wanted nothing to do with me if i crossdressed. I agree with possible heart to heart talk, or therapist together. You have said she is religious, and that puts a huge obstacle in this, as most all conservative religious women will not budge in their beliefs, that CDing is sinful and deviant, and that a man is a man , and never acts feminine! My church has been that way, period, so i seldom go now. Like DRS said, most couples drift apart some as they age, and i have found it is usually the wives, who get tired of the man, and leave. I went to singles dances for ten years and found that many of the middle age or older gals there, just got tired of marriage, and wanted to "spread their wings, and fly." It is not the end of the world, if she wants to separate, but would seem like it. I still grieve some after 29 years after breaking up with the only lady i almost married! I was not dressing then. I hope she will be willing to hear you out again, and be tolerant, maybe DADT. If not, know that you have been totally honest, let her know you love her, no matter what, and have done the best you could, regardless of what she says, or does. You and her can still work it out, even if there is a separation. It is not the end.

[ChristinaK]

Leigh, many of us feel your pain. It's almost a curse considering the effect on most relationships, but we are who we are.

I totally agree with Betty. It's easy to be selfish and do what we want to do and expect our wives to accept it, but I try to see it from their side. I wouldn't be happy if my wife wanted to sport a fake beard and wear a bald wig. Yuck! But, if she did that on her own time where I couldn't see it, I wouldn't mind, as long as I was confident she wasn't going to cheat with another woman.

So, we have a DADT relationship. She doesn't like what I do, but she doesn't have to see it except for panties and ladies PJs, which she accepts.

It might be time for you to do the DADT thing. It's tough to go back once she has allowed certain things, but that may be what it takes to keep her happy.

I do not think she's trying to bring you down. A woman wants a John Wayne. A manly man, a prince, someone to take care of her and be what society expects of a man. We might do those things, but it's very damaging to see their John Wayne in panties and a frilly nightie, dress or whatever.

Good luck and I hope you two can find happiness even though you're a "freak" (what my wife has called me) like me.

[Krisi]

It seems a bit odd that your wife has been out in public with you dressed as a woman but now wants it to stop, but people do sometimes change their views on issues.

Marriage advice obtained over the Internet is worth exactly what you pay for it, but mine is to back off on the dressing and don't dress around her or even talk about it for a while. See how things go. Maybe in the future you can bring it up and see what happens.

Personally, if I faced a choice of my wife or my dressing, I would choose my wife. Maybe not if she gave me an ultimatum, but if I felt that's what she needed.

[JeanTG]

We have to remember that our wives married *men*. My wife is not a lesbian nor is even bi-curious. She's straight-laced about sex. She married a man and she wants her man in bed, fixing a leaking pipe, taking her car to the garage, whatever. Some men are lucky and have wives that embrace their dressing. Most of us do not. Mine is tolerant at best, in a DADT sort of way except for some leeway on panties. We don't own what turns our wives on or off, and there's nothing we can do about it. I therefore think it's important that we *always* be the men that they married and be there for them when it's their man they want, whether sexually or in general life situations. I can't stress this enough in a marriage: "it's not all about me". Moreover, I feel that when we marry, we no longer "own" our own bodies. They become "joint property" as it were, and not only do we have to treat our wives' bodies with the utmost respect as if it were our own, we have to do the same to our *own* bodies because it isn't entirely ours do with as we please. My wife has made it clear that body shaving turns her off. So it's opaque tights and tops for me...

[Sky]

I accept whatever my SO accepts of me. Period.
I fell in love with a beautiful woman and she fell in love with a man. Afterwards, I sprung this part of my life on her. I changed the "deal" we both accepted when we did fall in love.

I can only speak to my experience. Would I be happy if I came home and saw her in a lumberjack shirt, a beard and a fake package? Hell, no! I'd be uncomfortable and turned off. So why would I expect her to easily embrace the the way I sometimes present myself - dress, forms, stockings, heels, wig? Don't get me wrong, she accepts me for me, but I know it's a challenge for her some days especially when I present a little too feminine. She has her limits and lines and I understand her feelings change as we grow together. But I will NEVER whine about why she can't accept my crossdressing.

[Rachael Leigh]

I have to say I'm overwhelmed by the responses and I'm reading them all. I really thank everyone here for your caring attitudes and knowing how these things effect our family's and SO. I know things could be better for me and my wife I don't believe she's being selfish I think she's just being honest. We do communicate well but not usually about this.
I'm glad I have this group where I can vent so to speak.
Leigh

[Amanda M]

Leigh - wish, I really wish that I had a pat answer. Sadly, I don't. For many people, relationship counselling is very effective, and from what you have said, I feel that both of you are open to help. I may have missed something here, but it is worth exploring. My thoughts are with you both.

[Lorileah]

If your wife married you for your sexual appearance, that scares me. My wife married "ME" not my body or if I could lift 200# or kill a bear with my bare hands. But it tells me a lot about human nature I guess. I always considered that people married for love thus when Loving vs Virgina in 1964 was passed, it was two PEOPLE marrying, not two races. Recent laws about same sex marriages seem to me to reinforce the fact that a marriage is two people, not a "man" and "woman". So all the smoke about
your wife married a man" bothers me because it leaves out the most important part of a marriage...LOVE. Your wife may have married a male, with the expectations associated with that. That is a sociological learned behavior. But honestly, if you were just a man and that is why she married you, I am sorry for all the great things you will miss in life, learning, sharing, growing-together or apart. Couple often do things that the partner does not like...clothing, food, vacation spots. If this is a reason to break up, I have to doubt that love was an initiator of the marriage. Sometimes I think many people get married "Because, that's what you're supposed to do." as taught to us in a young age.

[Kellitgdet]

Leigh,

I know how you feel, we are all in a unique situation right from the start when we tried on are first pair of panties and realized some thing was different. I live in a don't ask and don't tell situation. I love my wife and would never want to loose her. She accepts for the most part that I wear panties, miss jeans and clogs. For me I try to accept that she has not been able to change and accept me as I am. But I know that she love me and will not leave me, although she has said that I use this against her and just push for her to accept my feminine side. I can't imagine a day when I am able to be totally out and dressed with her, oh how I would love this. I am thankful that she has accepted what she has.

As we all know we will never be able to change and I honestly think I wouldn't change even if I could.

So hang in there, hit the pause button and slow down. Finding someone special who loves you is not easy to accomplish.

This is not what either of you signed up for, but you did sign up for, for better or for worse.

Hang in there girlfriend, Kelli