My bf recently told me he's a cross dresser, I am okay with it but need advice

[Draculaura]

Long post, but I have been looking around here and felt like I should reach out. I am in my early twenties and my boyfriend is in his late twenties. We have been together for almost two years and we live together. We are inseparable and share everything from interests, friends, and now his secret. I guess I wasn't surprised he told me he's into cross dressing because our relationship started out with us meeting at a "goth" event at a gay night club. He's always been femenine and I love it because I felt like he understood me better.
Now fast forward to now, he finally told me he's into cross dressing after I confronted him, when I found some of his stuff, while I was cleaning. I thought he was cheating or was holding onto stuff from the past. Anyway I told him it was cool and okay and honestly I was more hurt he couldn't tell me sooner because I had told him I was open to everything and anything and I knew something was wrong because we were rarely intimate and it was wearing on my self esteem.
So now it's the opposite. We are more intimate and we have discussed looking at clothes and shoes and makeup for him. He wants to start at home but eventually go out in public to events where he won't be judged like the club, which I think sounds fun. I thought everything would be perfect after I got him to tell me all and have no secrets but now I am depressed because I feel like it's all about him. I am being selfish but I was so used to his attention on me and now it's about him. In bed when he's dressed he's very submissive but it's about him as well because he wants things done to him which I don't mind at all but I feel like he's become fixated on that. When he's in guy mode he's still attentive and puts me before him but when he's in girl mode he is more selfish.
I understand and I want to let him be himself but I guess I just don't like it all being about him. Like shopping wise it's all what he wants now, from underwear to clothes to toys it's what will make him feel better or good. Same with my own clothes. He's taken free reign of my stuff and at first it was cute but now it's like having an annoying sibling stealing your clothes. I want to tell him something but I know he'll be upset and take it personal. He's super sensitive and emotional. I call him a crybaby (in an affectionate way) because he literally cries when he's upset or gets butt hurt way too quick. I feel like if I told him to stop using all my clothes or trying to look like me or be so selfish he will shut down and be withdrawn and sad. I can't do that to him because I love him tons and I love the idea that we can play dress up and I can do his make up ( I am a pro make up artist). He's still self conscious about things like his weight and body hair so I told him I'd wax him (I am an esthetician) and we can start a work out routine and what not. I like taking care of him but I am scared that in his girl mode he's become more selfish and I have read around the internet that some cross dresseser change personalities of become selfish and it only gets worse. I also asked him if he wants to be a girl and he said yes but doesn't want the sex change. He just didn't give me a clear answer because I was trying to figure out if he's going to want to be a girl permanently later. He told me he's felt femenine since he was a teen, but isn't gay. He said if he was born female he'd still be attracted to women. I guess I am just worried and scared about the future as well because he wants to get breasts (not surgical ones) which I am okay with but I am worried how he will change. He's already changing with my acceptance of him being a cross dresser. I think he's cute in female clothes and makeup, I am just trying figure what's going to happen to our relationship.
Thanks for reading

[Jenniferathome]

Hi Laura, what you wrote may seem unique but it is really status quo around here. When newbies come out AND have an accepting spouse, they tend to run headlong into the "pink fog." I am sure you have read about this here. It's easy to get self indulgent BUT it needs to be reigned in. You to need to talk about boundaries. For example, it is perfectly ok to tell him your clothes are off limits. They are yours. That is not being selfish on your part. The discussion has to also cover what happens in the bedroom. Nothing should be off limits. Honesty only hurts feelings when the listener isn't being objective.

Have a sit down conversation with him. No phones, no TV. Something like, "Babe, I want to talk about how cross dressing fits in our relationship."

Now, cross dressing tends to run a progression. It appears that he might be trending towards transition but in all likelihood, it's just getting from the closet to something presentable. I came out to my wife about 5 years ago. My "wardrobe" was contained in a small bag and was quite terrible. I bought breast forms so the shape of my body would be more aligned with the image I was presenting. I never think of them as "breasts" they are a tool to create a shape. Your BF could be the same and he could be on his way to transition. You need to talk about it. No question is unfair.

best of luck

[NicoleScott]

Apparently he doesn't want to be your boyfriend. He wants to be your girlfriend. Is that what you want?
I have concerns that you are allowing his emotional super-sensitivity to manipulate you, not allowing you to say "when" when your level of acceptance is exceeded. It's time for some tough love.

[JeanTG]

I'm inclined to agree with Nicole. The most important thing that each person needs to understand in any relationship is that "it's not all about me". That implies give-and-take, and respect for the other person's comfort zone and that I had to love her as the man she married. As a CDer, I don't own what turns my wife on or off, she does, and it's up to me to adapt to that. On the other hand, she doesn't "own" my transgenderism, I do, and she has to respect that and allow a safe outlet where I can feel respected, accepted and loved. An example, I don't care for penetrative sex but sometimes my wife wants/needs it, and I do my best (with medication if required because I do need it sometimes) to fulfill that desire. On the other hand she knows its difficult for me to orgasm internally and will accommodate that issue. I know she won't tolerate my wearing a nightie to bed, or seeing me dressed, so I restrict those to when she's not home. But she knows that wearing panties, even to bed, allows me to feel more accepted and loved by her, in that she acknowledges my issue and is willing to love me just the same.

It sounds, for you BF, that it's indeed "all about him". You need to have a serious talk with him and you need to establish and demand respect for your own boundaries. Perhaps with time you're willing to explore further, but you have the right to take at a pace slow enough for you to digest each step and decide whether or not you're able to go further. If he's not willing to meet you on this... perhaps you should rethink the relationship.

I'd also strongly urge him to leave your stuff alone. I learned that early on with my wife, she didn't care for my borrowing her stuff.

It's true to some extent that CDing can be inward looking and selfish. For me it took a near divorce to learn that it wasn't all about me. In a relationship, often each needs to talk less about him/herself and listen to his/her partner.

[Kate Simmons]

Hi Laura, Off hand I'd say you know him better than he knows himself. You need to ask him if he wants a partner or just a GF. He needs to learn how to grow up a bit and consider your feelings as well.CDing is a process and like any process can take on a mind of it's own if allowed to. That's what I'm getting from your post anyway. Feel free to contact me anytime when you get 10 posts. Be well.

[Tracii G]

I agree you need to have a talk and set boundaries which may be he get his own clothes and you could help him find his own style.Make it sound like a compromise on your part.
Explain how his body is different and him wearing your clothes makes the clothes not fit your body the way they should or something like that.
It does sound like the text book Pink Fog situation to me and he needs to be told what Pink Fog is and that a relationship is a two way street (its about the both of you).
He does sound very selfish IMO.

[Draculaura]

Thanks for the replies. I am just assuming he's really excited that I am okay with his feelings and wants. He told me he tried to tell an ex once but it was more about his interest in fetishes like bdsm and she was disgusted in him so that shot him down quick. I am the first person he's told about cross dressing to though. I definitely will talk to him about boundaries. I am really black and white with things unfortunately so I like to know if something is concrete of not. That's why I am trying to figure out if he wants to be a woman all the way or if it's just something he wants to do aside from being a guy. He said men gross him out and he doesn't like masculinity. i want to help him and see him happy. I just have this feeling though that he wants to be a woman and eventually will want to transition to becoming one permanently. Reasons why are for example his video game characters are always female, his interest in cross dressing, he likes my clothes more than his own. He used to be more interested in me and my clothes and makeup, for example he makes costumes to cosplay characters from tv shows and video games. We have gone to a few conventions and he always seemed more excited for my characters (female) than his own. I felt like he was living his wants to be a woman through me and now since I gave the okay he's projecting it back to himself. He says he's still attracted to me and loves me and we still have intercourse like a male and female would. I am just scared he's going to want to be female completely one day and our relationship won't work. Thanks for all the advice though, I definitely don't feel so bad about myself anymore for having these feelings. I'll definitely have to talk to him about it even if it causes some hurt feelings. I am okay with being with a man who cross dresses and wants to be girly but I don't know if I could spend the rest of my life with an actual female.

[Tracii G]

Just because he crossdresses doesn't mean he wants to be a woman most crossdressers are straight and married.
We all have had our times where we don't know what we want so maybe he is trying to "find" himself and he doesn't know whats next.
The one thing I can tell you is its not a black and white thing (being TG) I mean.
Just because he does one thing doesn't mean it will lead to this or that on down the road. The whole gender spectrum is so wide and expansive it can be hard to know where someone fits in and how far it will go.

[Jenniferathome]

Laura, one thing to keep in mind is that transsexualism is very rare. The odds are that he is not. However, I have read the stories of several here who thought they were cross dressers only to actually transition. Typically, they were in denial and thought they were "just" cross dressers. The point being that he may not know where he is headed but the strong odds are that he is a cross dresser only. But conversations will remedy that question.

Best of luck

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Hi and welcome -glad you found us.

You describe yourself as a black & white person, but my impression is that you are tolerant, imaginative, kind and open. You also sound far more mature than your older boyfriend! All wonderful qualities.

You've had good advice here already which I won't repeat. Yes of course he needs to know that he has to respect your wardrobe, and you shouldn't let a ready supply of tears deflect you from demanding that respect- he is not a 5 year old girl after all, even if he wishes he were one.

Give it a while, the pink fog may evaporate...or it may be that he is now firmly on a path which will lead at its most extreme to him deciding to transition. You are clear that you do not wish to be a lesbian, and there may come a point where you have to do the tough thing and move on. It sounds likely that if you do, he will use every emotional means at his disposal to stop you and get his way. I hope you will keep in touch with us and let us know how things develop.

You're a very special person with a good heart- be true to yourself.

Hugs, Nikki

[KrissyP]

Open communication is critical. It sounds like you both have already established that foundation in your relationship so this is a good opportunity to build on it. I will echo some previous comments that the initial phase of CD can be pretty intense, and yes selfish. It is absolutely appropriate to remind him of boundaries and your needs as well. Like a lot of us, it is easy to get wrapped up in the excitement of the fresh possibilities and forget about everything else (i.e. the pink fog).

Hard to tell initially where this may end up, but you have a good start on being understanding and supportive and some of your comments lead me to believe that he has this within him as well. He just needs to be reminded that slow and steady will win the race.

All the best.

[Helen_Highwater]

Reading your post it does seem like it's a case of "the cat being out of the bag" so now all's ok. In other words he's been given a green light but hasn't stopped to consider the full ramifications.

Clothing; this comes up time and time again. Until things have settled down it make sense to separate wardrobes. Later it may be that it becomes like 2 girls sharing an apartment and borrowing one and others clothes but only by consent.

" I was so used to his attention on me and now it's about him. In bed when he's dressed he's very submissive but it's about him as well because he wants things done to him which I don't mind at all but I feel like he's become fixated on that. When he's in guy mode he's still attentive and puts me before him but when he's in girl mode he is more selfish."

Again it's early on in your newly defined relationship. If you've ever read a sex manual from the 70's/80's it would say something like, " the male moves the penis backwards and forwards in the female's virgina" It's implicit that the male takes a dominate part. When he's dressed that "obligation" in his mind isn't there. Separate wardrobes, separate bedroom games. If he happens to be dressed and things move into the bedroom then one set of rules. If not, if he's in drab and things get amorous then different rules apply.

It will take time to reach a place where you're both comfortable with each others needs. Let's face it, you're in a whole new place just now. Have the talk, explain your needs and expectations, if he's not already on here get him to join and to post seeking guidance for those who've been there, done that and got the tee shirt.

[Saikotsu]

What's needed here is clear communication.
For the longest time he's had to reign things in and keep them hidden, so it's only natural that he's going full bore now that his secret is open to you. Remember, that a relationship that's all about one person isn't really a relationship. You need to be able to express your feelings and boundaries and he has to respect them. You're a wonderful partner to be so understanding with him, but he has to be understanding with you too.

Make it clear that you're only seeking some fairness in the relationship. Its a two way street. You've shown him a lot of respect and understanding, and he should be willing to do the same for you.

Remember, whether he's dressed or not, he's the same person underneath it all. Most likely he is trying to figure out who that is, just as much as you are. Patience and communication going forward are going to be key.

I know its tough, but you've got to express yourself. If you don't bring up the issues you're having, he'll be blindsided when they become too much to bear. And given how he responds, he'll take that a lot worse than he will if you bring it up now. Best of luck.

[Kate Simmons]

You are one fantastic lady for sharing your feelings here with us Laura. Many don't have that confidence or courage. It's mostly about learning about ourselves as we go on and has a lot to do with feelings which many men try to suppress. He is indeed fortunate he has you to share his feelings with. The only way to really "beat" crossdressing is to make it a total choice to do or not, then it is not a compulsion but that usually comes with understanding ourselves and our feelings. Works for me.

[~Joanne~]

Welcome to the forum Draculaura Coming here to seek some answers is a good start to understanding what all of this is, not only to us but to your situation also but our answers are based on each of our opinions, and while you may receive some sound advice, it shouldn't be taken as Gospel.

Each CD has a different style, a different need and a different reason as to why they do what we do. A lot of this doesn't make sense to US let alone easily to explain to others. With that in mind, here are My opinions and advice:

I was more hurt he couldn't tell me sooner because I had told him I was open to everything and anything

To be honest, I don't know of anyone, CD or not, that would take such a statement at face value. you WANT too but there always that "except that" that may come back and bite you. CDing for a lot of us is really a deep, dark secret. I am out to my SO but it took many, MANY, years to do so. It wasn't overnight and she is the only one that I trust enough to really know about this.

It's not like he didn't want to tell you about it, I am sure that everyone that is still in the closet to their SO's would LOVE to share this and remove that heavy burden feeling, but the way society is set up, the things we were told are right or wrong and drilled into us daily as we were growing up always keep us from openly doing so.

There is a fear of rejection, just like asking someone out for the first time that a lot of people just want to skip. Fear is what kept him from telling you all this time and while I am not trying to make a excuse for it, it is understandable when you look at the big picture.

after I got him to tell me all and have no secrets but now I am depressed because I feel like it's all about him. I am being selfish but I was so used to his attention on me and now it's about him.

Quite often it is referred to as the "Pink Fog" around here. It really happens a lot too. Once an CD finds that they have an accepting SO, truly accepting as it seems you are, it's like a gate opens and now they have to make up for a lot of lost time. Your not being selfish at all, we always tell everyone that finds themselves in you and your husbands situation to take it slow, not to rush everything all at once but it seems your SO did just the opposite.

I am totally agingst "rules & compromises" when it comes to anything I do. I don't ask my SO to obey any of that nonsense so I expect the same in return BUT this might be what You need right now to sort of reel him in. Have a long conversation with him about all of this, explain he's going a bit too fast for you, and to see if you can slow it down a bit with a rule here or there.

The key, in my opinion, to making all of this work, and to work at a level that is OK to you, is communication. There must be some open and honest conversations about what it is that bothers you, what your feeling and so on. You shouldn't accept being neglected.

Same with my own clothes. He's taken free reign of my stuff and at first it was cute but now it's like having an annoying sibling stealing your clothes.

Um, NO. You need to stop this right away. I never understood this myself, I never raided my SO's clothing just because she understood who I was and that it's a part of me. I went and bought my own clothes. Her's would never fit anyways but even if they did, I still see this as a huge wrong all around. Same as Your makeup, shoes, and whatever else.

Loaning a scarf or some jewelry is OK but it's you that loans it , not taken because she needs or wants it. I am not rich by any means but I have my own clothes, shoes, makeup etc, etc, etc....I have never asked to borrow anything from my SO as a personal preference, let alone just raid her stuff.

Your clothes are YOUR CLOTHES. period.

I feel like if I told him to stop using all my clothes or trying to look like me or be so selfish he will shut down and be withdrawn and sad.

Trying to look like You? I don't know if My SO would find that flattering or not but I can see where it may bother you. If he is going to act like a baby then treat him like one. I never understood that mentality, in any aspect of life, but here's what I do know, if You hold in everything, how you feel, what your thinking, it will build up and become resentment. It could destroy your relationship and if he's that important to your life, a little sadness is worth the risk rather than hate making you leave.

I also asked him if he wants to be a girl and he said yes but doesn't want the sex change. He just didn't give me a clear answer because I was trying to figure out if he's going to want to be a girl permanently later.

It's probably because he himself doesn't have a clear answer. It's like when someone asks you "why", You just don't know, at least at the time the question is asked. It took me quite sometime to understand where I personally stand in all of this. I am a heterosexual male who likes to wear women's clothing. When I am dressed, I want to be seen like a woman but that's about as far as it goes. He may have been thinking along the same lines when you asked the question or he may actually be truly confused as to what this means to him at this point. You may want to ask this again once the pink fog subsides and it will eventually.

he wants to get breasts (not surgical ones) which I am okay with but I am worried how he will change.

It's all about the presentation. I don't think there is a girl here that doesn't want or doesn't have forms. I myself do not have any but surely want some myself. It's just to bring it all together, will it change me? no but it will help with the over all appearance. I wouldn't read too much into this but I guess it all depends on where your conversations go.

Communication Laura is the key to making this all work. For You, For Him, for all of it. You two need to have some real honest heart to heart sit downs where everything bothering You needs to be put on the table. I understand You don't want to push him away or make him sad but without taking the time to talk about everything, You'll be the one that is pushed and sad and that will destroy your relationship as I stated before.

I wish you the best of luck.

[Lorileah]

it is interesting that two people say he doesn't want to be your BF but be your GF, I am not buying that (especially when so many here claim they are really just guys who like to dress up)

Jennifer is correct in the first post. This is a common scenario. It's like getting a new car or a puppy. You wan to do everything with it and buy it things and take it everywhere, but 2 months later it is just part of your life and things calm down. So hang on.

There are boundary issues here. What's yours is yours and what's his is his. Enforce that. Also he needs to know this is a two way street (as any relationship[ should be). In pets we use something that lets them know that what they isn't always what they get. Deflection or redirection are two ways. He wants to buy clothes...tell him not now, you have other things that take precedence like shopping for groceries or household. If you allow him to dictate how and when, he will push for more. I think you can enjoy this side of him if he backs off a bit

[pamela7]

"kid in a candy store with no limits" ... how do you deal with the kid? same way for the pink fog

[NicoleScott]

I'm one of the two who said he wants to be your GF, not your BF.
From the OP: "I also asked him if he wants to be a girl and he said yes..."
There ya go, I didn't make that up.
Some have suggested it's just the pink fog and it will subside eventually. Maybe. Maybe not.

[TaraGrace]

hi Laura,

Welcome and thanks for such a detailed opening post!

I think it's amazing how much you already have worked out, likes/dislikes, fears/potential fun things, etc!
All are excellent corner stones for a good sit down (or two) and I just had to applaud that!

You'll be able to find a lot of feedback here from various angles/perspectives, and judging by your thinking/writing style I am sure you will be able to pick what fits you best. That said, I personally really liked Jennifer's first message so much that I'll +1 her message

x Tara

[Jazzy Jaz]

I agree with darn near everything on here. One thing I want to emphasize that you may (or may not) be missing is that unlike black and white, this is a very variant spectrum as far as gender is concerned. It's not as simple as either a man who CDes or a complete woman trapped in a male body. As far as male/female your bf may be 10/90, 20/80, 30/70, 40/60, 50/50, 60/40, 70/30, 80/20, 90/10, or yes, maybe 0/100... Though how you describe him I would say he's definately not 100/0. Same idea (in my mind) in regards to sexuality, there's gay and straight and then all the variations inbetween. He may be too scared to tell you anything other than straight, though I think it's unlikely that he's completely gay. Also, if your bf is genderfluid then he/she may fluctuate between any or all of these percentages at any given time for any given length of time. I think you're great and particularly agree about the importance of boundaries and communication. Good luck with your adventure.

[Claire Cook]

Hi Laura,

First, thanks for being so open with us. I at least find that knowing about what SO's and wives think helps me try to see both sides of relationships. You've had the sense that when the pink fog first hits us, it's the kid in the candy store syndrome. Where it goes from there is, well, a function of the two people involved. (And you can tell there is a spectrum here.) I would just make this observation. No, you are not being selfish IMHO. Too many of us get self-absorbed in CD'ing, especially when the door to that candy store first opens. If there is one thing I've learned in discovering my femme self, it's being attuned to others' feelings, and I constantly remind myself of my wife's needs. I hope your BF will come around to that. And yes, he should be getting his own wardrobe., by all means!

[Shelly Preston]

Hi Laura


Communication is the most important thing. I would also remind him its going to take time for you absorb the information he has given you. You can ask lots of questions of your boyfriend but he may not know the answer himself.
I suspect he has know for a long time but you have only just found out.

As for clothing get him to buy his own. Your clothing should be off limits unless you consent to his using a particular item.

Only you will know how you feel about where this may go. It may be you and your BF need to fine the right balance. There are some here who has been together with there partners for over thirty years.

Good Luck

[Rachelakld]

Throw another log in the fire..........

As we age, our attitudes change.

I used to be anti-gay, anti-CD (even though I was one), hated it with a passion because of who I was.
Years later I got to know a couple of gays, and they were ok, even went to a gay club between marriages, decided I wasn't gay (at that time).
Years later I decided, what the heck and started dressing pretty
Now, at the age of 50, because I don't care as much about my manly image, not trying for any job promotions etc, I would love to play the female role in bed with a man (I doubt the situation will ever occure, but it's a nice fantasy and not one to tell my wife about)

From your story, I would not be overly surprised if when a major upset occures in his life, his life will change with it (actually that happens to most of us anyway).
I've known quite a few manly men, who after a horrid divorce from wife & children, suddenly realize they were lonely and gay.

Lifes like a box of chocolates

[ReineD]

Hi Draculaura, welcome to the forum!

I also asked him if he wants to be a girl and he said yes but doesn't want the sex change.

This could mean a lot of different things, but it is not uncommon to mean: "I enjoy looking like a girl and feeling like one so much that I think I’d like to do it all the time, but only if I don’t experience negative consequences and so I don’t want to come out to people who will reject me or at work, and I also don’t want to lose my sexual functioning because this is a big part of it for me … so, I think I just want to feminize my body a little, enough to have soft skin and breasts … and then I’ll really enjoy it when guys come on to me, even though I’m not interested in them."

Ok maybe I’m exaggerating, but you wouldn’t believe how many members here say they want to be a girl when this is what they mean or rather, this is what they end up doing … so like the others, I think your bf might be in a Pink Fog. However, for the sake of accuracy I need to point out there is a possibility that your bf might be TS (he hasn’t posted here so we don’t know what his intentions are), but the percentage of crossdressing males who end up transitioning is very small.

I feel like if I told him to stop using all my clothes or trying to look like me or be so selfish he will shut down and be withdrawn and sad. I can't do that to him because I love him tons and I love the idea that we can play dress up and I can do his make up ... I like taking care of him but I am scared that in his girl mode he's become more selfish and I have read around the internet that some cross dresseser change personalities of become selfish and it only gets worse.

I’ve seen this here a lot too - there are CDers who have a rather black and white way of looking at things. For example, a gf or wife might say, "I’d like to go out tonight without you dressing", and he hears, "I hate the CDing and I wish you would never do it again". You’ll need to be very clear with your bf and tell him that you do accept him, you do support the CDing, you don’t want it to go away, but there are a few things you’d like improved. And then spell them out. He will only continue the self-centeredness if you don’t say anything because he likely thinks you are just as OK with him wearing your clothes as he is.

I am being selfish but I was so used to his attention on me and now it's about him. In bed when he's dressed he's very submissive but it's about him as well because he wants things done to him which I don't mind at all but I feel like he's become fixated on that. When he's in guy mode he's still attentive and puts me before him but when he's in girl mode he is more selfish.
I understand and I want to let him be himself but I guess I just don't like it all being about him.

He needs to realize that relationships are two-way streets. He is so wrapped up in the fantasy right now that he is forgetting about you. And, he may well take your suggestions for a more equitable arrangement as a rejection of his wanting to play the role of a female in bed. You might try explaining that same-sex couples (both male and female) take turns pleasing each other too, just like hetero couples.