How did u relate to movie, The Danish Girl?

[samantha rogers]

My world on the screen.

Needs to be watched multiple times. I suspect Redmayne's performance improves with watching again.

I'm not attracted to men. Drop that aspect and it is the first movie / book / story that has come close to "getting it". So many parallels with my life it is unnerving. Met at university, same profession, stupidly in love with each other, ALWAYS know exactly where each other is in the room, people try and work out how the hell we can speak each other with just a look across a crowded room. Then the sheer abject terror when you first go somewhere as yourself and the whispered "don't leave me", the brushing of hand along the clothes on the clothes rack, the shyness and insecurity about how to speak and hold yourself in public. The willingness to suspend or subvert my own ambitions or career to see my wifes flourish and her to see her joy in those accomplishments. Hell, we even have the out there vivacious true friend (Oola) who never seems to be able to quite find the right partner.

I think a lot of people miss the real point about this movie. It is not really about Lili or her transition. I've found at least 6 different supposedly "true" versions of Lili's transition and surgeries. There is even less verifiable about Gerda and her supposed lesbianism or bisexuality (something that seems to be based on her erotic drawings which I wonder whether she did to cater to a repressed european male sexual appetite rather than an expression of her own sexuality). Tom Hooper, the director said in an interview that what he hoped is that someday society wouldn't see the movie as a movie about Lili, but as a love story where one of the protagonists is transgender. That is certainly what my wife and I saw.

I'm with you, Kate. To me it was exactly that... a love story where one character happened to be transgender. Yes, it was slow, and carried by the performances of the two main actors...however, the pace of that period in time was slower and more languid, and the film was simply gorgeous to watch on a purely visual basis.

I think the key to the story is not to say "well, it wasn't about how I am" but rather to leave your self at the door and watch the story objectively as a love story. I did that, as did my companion that night. Taken that way I found the movie extremely moving we both enjoyed it tremendously.

Ironically, I was able to view it last Fall as part of an invited audience of local TG but then received a screener of it prior to the SAG awards as I still have my SAG card and get to vote. lol... one of the perks...free movies each winter.

[Eryn]

I think that enjoying a movie and having a movie relate to us are two very different things.

I enjoy watching Blazing Saddles because its absurdity makes me laugh. I don't find myself relating to the characters. (well, maybe Mongo a little...)

I didn't particularly enjoy watching The Danish Girl, but it did relate to me on many levels. The feelings that Lili expresses are much the same as the feelings I have. I consider the experience of watching it worthwhile.

[heatherdress]

The movie is primarily a love story fabricated by writers based upon the very real Danish husband and wife who had to be very brave individuals, with challenges that were extraordinary, medical technology that was rudimentary and no support systems to offer any help. I just don't think the movie was able to capture the dangers and probably isolation they must have felt. Sure the love story was touching, but it was fictional and I really felt an opportunity was lost to depict real courage. Instead of fictionalized dances and indiscretions, which never happened, maybe the very difficult challenges of probably rejection by family, friends and society, the need to leave your home in Denmark and move to Paris, the cover of pretending to be a lesbian to cover a transitioning husband, the actual state of medicine 100 years ago, the risks of surgery and the drive to be who you really are could have been part of the movie.

[St. Eve]

I have seen it.
Feels like my marriage exactly right now.
My wife has not seen it yet.
So far, we have bee thru the shock of me coming out to her.
I have counseling set up,with HRT as a possible option.
My wife has already said that her husband is no longer here.
We have had discussions on splitting up because of Donna.
Intimacy is pretty much gone. And some discussion has been, what if you meet some one like Donna and fall in love?
The movie for me was inspirational but also heart breaking at the same time.
I'm an emotional wreck trying to be my true self and watching it tear my wife apart. Guilt isn't even close.
It makes me hate myself for what I am.
Never meant to hurt anybody.
I can relate so much to the movie. Right now my life is following that exact path.

Donna,

Thanks for your words. So many of them speak my own experience.
I cried and felt inspired through the whole movie. My wife is not ready to see the movie yet either.
I do not know if our marriage will survive, and, we are both in therapy and walking through the process.
Some days I am thrilled and love myself and my spouse with all my heart no matter what happens...
Some days I hate that I need to be who I am and/or I am resentful that she is not jumping up and down with joy for me to be who I am and wanted to go shopping and help me learn to do make-up.

I am doing my best to lean into my loving community and celebrate that today I am closer to expressing my true self and being known than anytime in the last 40 some years.

Peace to your soul
Stevie

[Sky]

I enjoy watching Blazing Saddles because its absurdity makes me laugh. I don't find myself relating to the characters. (well, maybe Mongo a little...)

No Lily Von Shtupp???

[AnnieMac]

"It's twue, it's twue!"

[TaraGrace]

Saw a trailer of 'the Danish girl' yesterday with my SO just before the start of 'the Revenant', and since that DiCaprio movie was such a disappointment we decided to watch 'the Danish girl' at home today in hope of it being a movie worthwhile.

I don't mind a slow paced movie as long as it has a good story and strong acting..
On acting, both thumbs up for Alicia Vikander playing wife Gerda, every scene she did came off as authentic.

How did I relate to the movie?

Well I did not.. and probably because certain aspects were layered on so thick.. whilst others were rushed over very sloppy and unconvincing.. such a niche topic could have been done A LOT better in the subtile hands of a Scandinavian director in my honest opinion.. (and not because of the location, but because they tend to do complex emotions a lot better).

So as the movie lacks details and finess, skips over complex parts but instead of editing them complete out goes over them like a grocery list.. and it's very obviously aimed to reach an audience (and cash in) as wide as possible.. even parts where I could possibly relate - such as the couple in their peek moment of bliss and happiness doing things together even after Lilly arrived - I can't relate because it comes over as fake.

Still.. an important movie which I hope will open the door to a few more.. thinking of all the movies done on the 'enigma' device, there is hope yet I might see a movie in the future feeling more realistic (despite this being based on historic events).

x Tara

[Chelsea B]

The early scenes were similar to how I view female clothes, the way he touched and revelled in their softness and glamour. I watched the film with my wife and it did cross my mind that she would be sat there thinking that I do that with her clothes when she wears them. Little did she know that I would come clean with her less than a week later!

Of course, the main character's journey soon went beyond anywhere I would ever go, but it was interesting none-the-less.

Spot on for me, Sarah. I told my wife about two weeks after we saw the movie together. In fact, the movie was the final catalyst for my decision to begin dressing after a long hiatus and come out to her.

[heatherdress]

I think this would be a rather difficult movie for a wife to see and then have their husband tell them they are a crossdresser. I would think the wife would not only have to deal with the fact that they have been told they are married to a crossdresser, but additional fear of a possible future transition because the movie's plot is about a married couple who face challenges much greater than the simple desire to crossdress. The movie contained a progression of the most difficult challenges a married couple could face to include: the need to relocate from their home and country; abandoning a career; adultery; and eventual dissolution of the marriage.

[Joni Beauman]

I went en femme by myself; sigh, my wife looked the other way as I left - as was our agreement. I was early and walked around the block and got a drink at a new bar nearby the theater. Was fine with the film's pacing, development, look, and revelation sequences. The courage to be the first to attempt a surgical final solution is testament to the degree of commitment Lily had to transition. However, as much as I would like to generally be in support of transition - sometime I think about frequently - in the end, I felt that in turning away from compromise with Gerda, too much was sacrificed for an attempt at personal, individualistic gain. I was glad to return home to a loving wife with whom compromise has been worth our ongoing love and companionship. And indeed, after a just-completed 2-week holiday traveling - it was family time, not Joni time, and we both had fun. I find it helps to move about, hike, observe nature, see new lands, and meet new people to provide temporary distraction from the usual self-indulgences. Joni

[flatlander_48]

I think some our collective expectations are misplaced. We have to remember that this wasn't a documentary. It was a theatrical movie. As such, it is designed to entertain; first and foremost. The best that we can hope for is that the parts of the story they choose to tell will be reasonably accurate and done with sensitivity. I think many of us need to rein in our expectations...

DeeAnn

[Eryn]

I think some our collective expectations are misplaced. We have to remember that this wasn't a documentary. It was a theatrical movie. As such, it is designed to entertain;

There is truth to your statement, but I think that the movie was more of a statement piece than an entertainment. I certainly didn't feel entertained by it. Moved, yes, but not entertained.

...I enjoy watching Blazing Saddles because its absurdity makes me laugh. I don't find myself relating to the characters. (well, maybe Mongo a little...)....

No Lily Von Shtupp???

I love Lily (and find it a bit ironic that we are discussing two incredibly dissimilar movies both of whom have characters named Lily/Lili)

Unlike Lily, I an not attracted to Cleavon Little, no matter the qualities of his schnitzengruben.

However Mongo has me pegged when he says "Mongo only pawn... in game of life."

[Suzanne F]

I went en femme by myself; sigh, my wife looked the other way as I left - as was our agreement. I was early and walked around the block and got a drink at a new bar nearby the theater. Was fine with the film's pacing, development, look, and revelation sequences. The courage to be the first to attempt a surgical final solution is testament to the degree of commitment Lily had to transition. However, as much as I would like to generally be in support of transition - sometime I think about frequently - in the end, I felt that in turning away from compromise with Gerda, too much was sacrificed for an attempt at personal, individualistic gain. I was glad to return home to a loving wife with whom compromise has been worth our ongoing love and companionship. And indeed, after a just-completed 2-week holiday traveling - it was family time, not Joni time, and we both had fun. I find it helps to move about, hike, observe nature, see new lands, and meet new people to provide temporary distraction from the usual self-indulgences. Joni

Joni
I just wanted to say as a woman who is transitioning with a wife that it is much deeper than personal individualistic gain. That is an assessment by a cross dresser who seeks more time dressing up. Married TS women who transition later after having been married risk everything to finally feel right in the world. It isn't a matter of deciding to choose our personal gain over our wives. It is a matter of having to finally be real no matter what the cost to us personally. This myth that we have picked being a woman over loving our wives is detrimental to making real progress for everyone facing gender issues. I respect your decision to compromise with your wife about cross dressing but maybe you should try to better understand those of us who finally choose to be our authentic selves 24/7.
Suzanne

[ReineD]

^ Well said, Suzanne F. I can't wait to see the movie.

One of the things that bothers me a little about all the media attention lately on gender dysphoria (Transparent, Caitllyn Jenner, the Danish Girl) is that it does send a message that transition is the end game for all who crossdress.

No, the message it gives is that transition is the end game for transsexuals.

I think there's a lot of confusion about what is a crossdresser vs a transsexual, and the sooner crossdressers and their wives understand the difference, the more peaceful their lives will be. Gosh, we can tell the differences just based on the various reactions to the film in this thread.

Audrey if your wife feels disturbed over seeing these shows and she thinks they apply to you, do try to explain and make her believe that you are not TS because you do not have the dire need to physically transition your body to an authentic self no matter the personal cost, as Suzanne explains so eloquently.

Kate T, I can't wait to feel the love between them as you describe as well.

[Marcelle]

I think this would be a rather difficult movie for a wife to see and then have their husband tell them they are a crossdresser. I would think the wife would not only have to deal with the fact that they have been told they are married to a crossdresser, but additional fear of a possible future transition because the movie's plot is about a married couple who face challenges much greater than the simple desire to crossdress.

True Heather which is why communication after the "big tell" is a necessary requirement. If the person truly knows they are CD only and it will never go beyond some "pink fog moments" then they need to discuss and educate as best they can. To not do so could IMHO lead an SO to think something other than dressing is on the agenda . . . talk, talk, talk and talk some more . . . take a break and . . . continue talking.

However, as much as I would like to generally be in support of transition - sometime I think about frequently - in the end, I felt that in turning away from compromise with Gerda, too much was sacrificed for an attempt at personal, individualistic gain. I was glad to return home to a loving wife with whom compromise has been worth our ongoing love and companionship. And indeed, after a just-completed 2-week holiday traveling - it was family time, not Joni time, and we both had fun. I find it helps to move about, hike, observe nature, see new lands, and meet new people to provide temporary distraction from the usual self-indulgences. Joni

Hi Joni,

That is the fundamental difference between CDers and TS . . . CDers enjoy the occasional moment or two of dressing and presenting as a woman for a variety of reasons (sexual, fantasy, emotional control, just feeling good) whereas we (TS) are women. If I did not accept this in myself and continue to hide it pretending I was CD not TS (which I did for awhile) it would have bled out into my marriage in other ways . . . anger, frustration, resentment, depression. The need to align ourselves with our target gender is not about individualistic gain . . . it is about survival. This is nothing another hobby can help quell . . . it is an imperative. Some TS folks loose everything when they transition . . . it is a risk many take. Others do not. My wife is still with me, we still enjoy each other's company and have fun . Not hacking on you, just pointing out the difference.

Cheers

Marcelle

[josrphine]

Hi Doc, My wife took me to the movie, after she had seen it with her girl friend of a lot of yrs. I got into it as how great we have it now, yes there is more battles to win. By the way her girl friend new I C D. but never had seen me dressed. My wife an I were going to church on a Sunday night an her girl friend asked if she could join us, my wife said yes but Joe goes as Josephine and every one there love him. She said O K an when we went to pick her up, the first words out of her mouth was WOW . Your make-up looks great. She sat in the back of the car an I could see her trying to get a better look at me. When we got to church I got out first an opened the back door for her an she saw my boobs, another WOW. I closed the door an she saw I had on a skirt an low heels , I got another WOW. The night went great she was amazed when we went to a local mexican place to eat. I think I have a new friend . Wife was so happy with the outcome. Jo

[flatlander_48]

There is truth to your statement, but I think that the movie was more of a statement piece than an entertainment. I certainly didn't feel entertained by it. Moved, yes, but not entertained.

Much closer to entertainment than to a documentary...

DeeAnn

[TrishaTX]

I am reading the book right now...shhh don't tell me the end

[Bria]

I watched the movie with my wife when it first came out, I thought it was great/moving, a great love story. I certainly related to Lili, and my wife related to Gerda. I don't know about my wife, but my eyes were wet. We were not surprised at the Oscar nomination. I think the pace was deliberate, I think how slowly I came to terms with the idea that I wanted to wear women's clothes.

I definitely recommend it. One of my TS friends saw it three times!

Hugs, Bria

[Ddannie]

I went en femme by myself;.... I was early and walked around the block .... and got a drink. Was fine with the film's pacing, development, look, and revelation sequences. Joni

Joni,
Your email almost exactly described my movie experience last night. I am also struggling with many of the same marital issue and am very unsure where it will end up. I have been away from this forum for a while but I strongly related to Lili's sense of being alone and isolated and truly unknown to most of the people in her life. I am back posting for the selfish reason of trying to ease the loneliness. Your post helped!
Daniele