Miss Girlfriend no More...

[Caden Lane]

Anyone following the drama on my blog, which seems to be my life of late, is aware of the turmoil between Miss Girlfriend and I. Last week she gave me, well an ultimatum may be unfair and inaccurate. She simply wanted to know if I ever saw myself wanting to live as Cadence full time.
I waffled on telling her my true answer as long as I could when she recently pondered the question during a tumultuous point of discussions. Last Tuesday, I finally relented and told her my true feelings about living as Cadence. Of course that meant my relationship with Miss Girlfriend ceased to be.
We agreed early in that if things were to change between she and I, that we would actively pursue a friendship between each other; neither of us can fathom a life without the other in it. She is merely incapable of seeing herself in a romantic relationship with me as Caden.
So as of last week, I am now alone.This thought weighs heavy on me; I told her flat out, I suspect she may have been my last great romance. I suspect I may never find a woman who loves Caden more than David(my male aspect). I have never felt so completely dejected in my entire life. All my other breakups where m,y dressing was a factor, Cadence didn't fully exist yet. She was an idea, a concept. Miss Girlfriend actually contributed to the birth of Caden as a personification of who I feel I am. The rejection of Cadence by the woman who helped bring Caden to life, maybe even gave birth to Caden is tragic on an epic scale to me, but also because I had such high hopes on what her help and understanding meant. I had hoped that Miss Girlfriend would be "The One." I had invested in her emotionally. Complete in every way. She had my faith, loyalty, Love; everything a healthy relationship needs. But my Love was not good enough or vast enough to overcome the hurdle she had in her mind about her attraction to me as a woman. Oddly, when things went a little ugly, she played both sides of the coin;
"You arent a woman, you will never be a woman, its all just pretend."
followed shortly by,
"I'm just not attracted to you as a woman, and you'll be a woman for an intents and purposes."

The list of things or people tethering me to my male aspect are at an all time low. The prices I’ve paid are high, the loss I’ve already sustained is great. I just hope when I reach an end result that I find it was all worth it.
Ever & Always,

Cadence Lane

[Open26]

I am new to this world and find your story both heart breaking that it has ended the way it has and fearful of the decisions that I may face one day. I am sexually attracted to women however emotionally and relationship wise only drawn to men so whilst I can be involved with my partner and enjoy his CDing if he were to want to be full time I would be in a similar position to Miss Girlfriend as I would feel that I would be making a decision to become a lesbian which we don't have a choice in we are who we are and attracted to who we are attracted to. Sexuality isn't a choice it's a natural instinct.
I hope in time you will find happiness with who sounds like will be a life long friend and soul mate to support you in a new chapter infront of you

[mikayla1964]

I'm sorry to hear this Caden .But if you too really love each other just give it some time and be the sweet loving person you have always been with her . the shock to her of you wanting to be Caden full time is a lot to swallow. look at it from her side what if she said I am going to live as a man full time .you would be in shock and probably do things with out truly thinking about it .and after some time to think about it you may decide you love that person no matter what. They say separation sometimes makes the heart scream out I miss that person and then you to may talk thru things and come to a working solution. I will pray for you 2.

[JeanTG]

Wow and I was whining just because it was time to go drab. I'm truly sorry for you, I hope wit time she comes around.

[Tina_gm]

Caden, I am deeply sorry for the loss you are now going through. I think you did the right thing in telling her your true thoughts and feelings about yourself though. You could have continued to repress your true nature, and you would never be happy to the point where you could truly enjoy the relationship with your GF. Or, you could have gone years down the road, formed a partnership/marriage with her, and eventually your true nature would come through. Think of the loss faced then, with so much of your life invested, so many years.... It hurts now, I am sure. Pain is pain, but there would have been more to lose had you gone on further, and it would have taken so much longer and have to go through so much more to dissolve a marriage with all that comes with it.

Just as we can't be anything other than who we are, neither can heterosexual women. We are asking basically the impossible for a hetero woman to be with us romantically when we ourselves become true to our nature. It is likely among the hardest aspects of being TG, I am truly sorry.

[Alice Torn]

Relationships in the modern USA are messy Every time i tried for a Love, it seemed at least a few other guys were after her too, at tomes a bunch of guys. I have no more capacity or energy to even try anymore, now a 61 yo confirmed Cding bachelor. It gets to where you don't have any more heartbreak left.

[heatherdress]

Caden - I am sorry for your sorrow and admire your honesty. But I think you should have anticipated a breakup if you admitted that your goal is to live as a woman full time. Helping you progress as a crossdresser as Ms Girlfriend did and accepting your crossdressing is dramatically different than accepting life with you as a woman. That is difficult and heartbreaking for you but you have to accept and respect Ms Girlfriend's feelings and move on. You will recover and pursue your destiny. Live your life to the fullest. Best wishes and good luck.

[grace7777]

Sorry to hear about your breakup. There is always a chance you can find someone who will accept you for who you truly are.

In my opinion it is not worth sacrificing who you are just to maintain a relationship.

[Jenniferathome]

...I finally relented and told her my true feelings about living as Cadence. ...We agreed early in that if things were to change between she and I, that we would actively pursue a friendship between each other; ...

...The rejection of Cadence by the woman who helped bring Caden to life, maybe even gave birth to Caden is tragic on an epic scale to me,..

Hold the phones here Caden. A breakup is always hard, BUT you knew this was part of the deal by your own accounting above. And more so, she is not rejecting Caden, she is saying no to a romantic relationship with a woman. Caden was always welcome by her as you clearly point out.

You need to be what you are, but you can't place any blame on her.

[Rogina B]

Like Jennifer...Don't place blame ! And I will say.."There are accepting fish in the sea" Move on !

[Robin414]

I'm sorry to hear that Candence. It's late in my time zone and I don't have the intellectual energy to offer anything 'constructive' other than to say there ARE GGs who actually love 'unicorns' and no matter how much you think she was the one...it WILL pass...TRUST me, please! ...I've been there...kinda 😉

[MissDanielle]

I'm so sorry to hear this.

[Dana44]

I am sorry Caden. I've been through that a lot. It hurts every time. But you were honest with her. You never know but she may come back to you.

[Gretchen_To_Be]

We all make choices and have priorities. Including our SOs. You have both decided what you want in life--for the moment--and time will tell whether that's the right decision for each person. I'll be the first to admit that CD has warped the relationship with my wife to the point that she has suffered. I try to compensate with genuine love, affection, and periods of no-CD normalcy for almost half the year, but I can sense it eats at her. Sometimes we laugh about it, share inane comments about feminine fashion or how being CD makes me appreciate her more, but then there are the dark moments, when she thinks I will become a woman and abandon her for a man, once I'm able to attract one. No amount of reassurance will ever dispel those thoughts. I try to point out that it's been more than 3 years since I revealed my CD desires, and at a macro level our life hasn't changed a bit, and I find men disgusting, but she still has lingering uncertainty. I don't blame her. If I were an outsider looking in, I would observe some compulsive behaviors that are unhealthy for the relationship.

If I could do it all over again, I wouldn't wait to be married 11 or 12 years to reveal this side of me. If you and Miss GF go your separate ways, and you pursue a deeper level of CD or transition, I suggest you reveal this part of you as early as possible.

This part struck me: "You aren't a woman, you will never be a woman, its all just pretend." followed shortly by, "I'm just not attracted to you as a woman, and you'll be a woman for an intents and purposes."

I suppose that is subject to change over time. You are "Pre-Everything", correct? Perhaps as you evolve, so will her view of you. If you do become a woman, maybe she'll view you as one, and you can rekindle a feminine friendship. Romance and lovemaking, I believe, will no longer be part of the equation with her.

Tough times. I wish you the best.

Gretchen

[Suzanne F]

Cadence
I appreciate what you are going through. We have to eventually face who we are. There is no way we can control other's reactions to our truth. I have been lucky in that my wife has supported me through transition. But I know that can change and yet I know I have to see this through. Good luck!
Suzanne

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Hi Caden,

I'm going to be honest- you sound more than a little self-centred and selfish in your attitude towards your ex. It sounds like your feelings are all me-me-me and your poor ex, who up until you decided that Caden has eclipsed David, had been quite unusually supportive towards your CDing. I see nothing wrong with her deciding to move on- where was it carved in stone that she has to become a lesbian, in emotional terms, just because you decide that's where your life is headed? She may fear that you are heading towards full transition, for one thing; she may want to have children, who knows.

You held back from telling her your decision until you were sure, and now you're facing reality without her. Nothing wrong with that either. It's an outcome you should have considered, and there's no point in complaining about it or blaming her for anything- indeed it sounds as if she simply got out of her depth and decided to swim for shore.

Perhaps you should be grateful that she swam into your life, rather than blaming her for your own responsibilities?

There is no reason why you shouldn't have more romance in your life- it's up to you to go out and find it - and I wish you the very best of luck.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Caden, I don't see it getting any better, It's time to make a clean brake and move on to a new life ~~......

[SamanthaSometimes]

U heartily agree with several others that it was good you were honest about your feelings and if it just wasn't going to work out that it happen before you both became more invested like marriage, children, etc. After 38 years of marriage and 3 children, the decision factors of living an authentic lifestyle are much less flexible and I've decided to remain married in DADT relationship. My situation hurts too - very much. But you at least have to opportunity to find someone who loves you for who you really are.

[Mark/Rebecca]

Caden, I do see something quite interesting and natural in your loss (and I do feel sad for your loosing her on that level).
You feel she helped give birth to the lovely woman you are becoming. A mother sets her child free when they are ready, a bird pushes her little one to fly, an artist lets go of her creation to share it's beauty. Perhaps she will always feel there is an unbreakable bond with Cadence. I hope and pray something wonderful emerges from this and she continues to lovingly nurture you on a different level.

[Sarasometimes]

Sorry to hear of your difficulties. I haven't read all the posts here but I suggest you consider seeing a therapist who is skilled in gender related issues if you haven't already. If you are destined to transition this will need to be a step and if not that would change the dynamic with MG. Go a few times to be sure the therapist and you have good chemistry and then maybe invite MG to a session.
My concern is that you may just think that is your certain path but you MAY find out otherwise. Either way you will gain some certainty at a time I think you really need it. It is important that your therapist by knowledgeable in this area. Good Luck.

[Caden Lane]

Im sorry Nikki, I fail to see where I'm being selfish or me me me. She was the one who posed the question. She was the one who was unsure on where our relationship should go if I wanted to pursue part-time or even full time. She wanted me to figure out in the span of weeks what takes some TG years to come to terms with or figure out.

She made it clear that if I wanted to live full time, our relationship would never progress. I had fully accepted that she would never share intimacy with Caden. I was trying as hard as I could to balance my wants and needs versus hers and you suggest I'm being selfish? I answered her question truthfully, under her mandate, due to her ultimatum. And I'm being the selfish one. She didn't want to let Caden in, despite knowing from nearly the very start. She chose to block me out of her life because she felt Caden was becoming too much of a factor. Acceptance of crossdressing does not equate acceptance of being transgendered.

I'm sitting here lamenting my loss, regretting loosing what I had and you attack me for doing the right thing. She's the one who selfishly pushed me out because I no longer met her societal ideal. She chose societies narrow views over me. So I won't apologize for being who I am,not to you, not to her, not to anyone. Nor do I believe I was being selfish. This is something that's been building a lifetime, not some whim.


To the others who had kinder things to say; thank you. I hope I do find my unicorn; although it's difficult to hold out hope.


To those who expressed concern about therapy; I am seeing a psychologist. Have been for many years. In fact Miss GF see the same one and have had shared sessions. Apparently for naught.


I'm just going to work through this, get over the pain and rejection and figure out what I need to do from here. My suspicion is that not many women who fall for my male aspect will be able to equally Live my female aspect. So I wonder if perhaps I should put off dating until I've begun transition; if it comes to transition.

Ever & Always,
Cadence Lane.

[Marcelle]

Hi Cadence,

Sorry to hear this. It is always difficult when one realizes that is beyond the clothes and dressing up and individual who lurks behind your eyes requires life. It is difficult on the person (you in this case) as you have to admit it to yourself and to those around your. It is also difficult on your SO . . . been there. When I realized I was TS my wife and I had a long protracted conversation, questions, stand-offs and eventually reconciliation. She is still with me but I also know that could change overnight. It is never easy to have and to loose and emotions run high for both parties . . . give it time as it is almost a grievance process and things will get better. You may not be romantically involved but perhaps a friendship will grow.

For those who jumped in with comments about the OP being selfish/blaming and whatnot please make up your minds. Does the person either tell the SO the truth and lament about the consequences (goodness emotional discord can cause all sorts of feelings and reactions) or do they hide it from their spouse. I think some are just not happy unless they can get a dig in on an OP.

Cheers

Marcelle

[jenn]

HI Cadence,

I am so sorry for both of you. I wish it were simpler but humans are complicated at best. I have been told emphatically "if you dress we are done" by my wife. She was mildly supportive/ tolerant at first. After we had our first child she has completely shut down on the idea and makes nasty remarks on the subject from time to time. Unfortunately I think we may come to an end too.

Jenn

[Katey888]

Cadence, I'm sorry to hear your story too...

This is a tragic condition to deal with for some of us - I can only hope things turn out better for you than you feel they are right now...

Keep Calm & Carry On...

Katey x