Why Bust Bubble

[CarlaWestin]

While there's a certain percentage of bitching here -like in any other human activity- most posts are nice & supportive.

I think this is the one I like the best. I have a concise set of life rules and number one is, "Ninety-nine percent of all stress you endure is brought to you by someone else so don't create any for yourself." When I make purchases while dressed male or female or halfway in between, I enjoy the conversation with the SA and the accomplishment of the purchase. I could be walking out of Payless in my work uniform with a fabulous pair of red pumps or I could be walking out of the Walmart with a six pack wearing my sexy french maid dress (never happened) and either way, I just had a good experience.

I sorta' look at this like, "Why buy a lottery ticket when you know you're going to lose?" Cause it's about the experience and the dream!

[Pat]

Why is it so hard to let a person enjoy their victory, whether it be as simple as going for a drive, or a full on pink fog shopping spree at all the best stores?

Because... people.

This is a big, diverse group and there's a big, diverse field of opinions. Often what you're seeing is a sort of Rorschach ink blot test -- the OP is the ink blot and the replies are different interpretations of what each poster sees. Happy people see happy things. Fearful people see fearful things. The replies tell us about the responder not the poster. If someone says they're just "bringing reality into it" then what they're bringing their *their* reality, not objective reality because human beings don't see objectively. But within the context of their own reality, they often truly have a desire to be helpful. At least I like to believe that.

[bok4fun]

Jennie,

i have been sitting here trying to figure out a way to say that without getting myself kicked off the forum completely. Unfortunately, the words which kept forming in my mind were not nearly as polite.

Thank you!

Parish

[mechamoose]

I'm not looking to burst anyone's bubble. All I intend is to be realistic.

I have had friends put in the hospital because of being 'different' (In this case, gay and flagrant)

What we do in our 'ideal' state has risks. Many, many risks.

It is a minefield out there, publicly and personally. While I want to encourage, I don't want anyone to go out there and think everything is rainbows and ponies. There are too many closed minds who see something strange and by nature want to attack it.

'Bravery' is a word I have used more than once. There is a reason for that.

Some of us are just trying to get past their partner. Some are trying to be out in the world. Both fights are HARD.

<3

- MM

[Tara Rushing]

I use the word brave a lot in my posts as well. I do feel the girls that go out are brave. I on the other hand am a coward. I have the best intentions but as of yet haven't been out......

[Tina_gm]

Sometimes, often times someone will ask opinions, and I will give mine. Sometimes, if I see something where someone is growing a dangerous bubble so far from reality, it is not so much I am trying to pop it, but maybe just help this person get back toward reality.

My thoughts are that if a CDer is using SA's as a barometer for acceptance or passing, they are not getting the most accurate reading, for the reasons already mentioned in this thread and several others. That DOES NOT mean that the CDer should not fully enjoy their shopping experience and feel good about what they are doing. As others have said, think that the whole world will react the way an SA does, they are in for a much harder hit that someone like me reminding them that it is an SA's job to be pleasant and helpful.

Another thing I sometimes feel some need reminding of is when comments of I was out and about, i must be passing quite well, no one noticed. Without HRT, FFS as well as being genetically gifted, chances are very likely that someone will notice. Lots will notice. The reality is they do not care much. That is still a good thing, but as Reine had said earlier, someone who is floating around thinking they are 100% passing then goes to the wrong place, gets careless or whatever, reality will hit them far harder than someone reminding them.

The last thing I sometimes do, when it comes to relationships, and someone on here will talk of some glorious breakthrough, is to remind them to not dive off the cliff with it all. Why I do that is because so often on here, countless times will come a thread where the CDer was doing so well in their marriage and then bam, suddenly a 180 turn. Now their entire marriage is in crisis. Am I bursting their bubble? perhaps, but also giving advice that may help save them from a later turn around which leaves them in worse shape than before breakthrough.

[Jenniferathome]

I use the word brave a lot in my posts as well. I do feel the girls that go out are brave. I on the other hand am a coward. I have the best intentions but as of yet haven't been out......

Tara, neither of those are true. We all build such obstacles in our heads that from behind a door you see bravery. And because of our own brain games, you see cowardice. You'll get it as soon as you open that door. I PROMISE your first assessment will be, "That was fun. And that wasn't so hard. What was I thinking all this time?"

Saw a comment from a wife to a husband the other day: "Get out of your head." Great advice.

[Beverley Sims]

If I am asked a straight question on this forum I will answer tactfully.

If someone does not meet the grade at all I may not reply.

I do prefer to be truthful, it is no good telling someone that they have made the grade if they look like being ridiculed out in the street.

That is also cruel.

[Tina_gm]

Jennifer, while I agree with the things you write more often then not. What I do not always agree with is your proclamations. I can walk around the Village in NYC and I can guarantee you I will feel no fear at all. But walk into a small town in say Alabama, an entirely different story. You are likely right about it typically being worse in someone's head than what reality is. Or the proclamations that a marriage will always survive CDing if it is done right. Generally they will, but there are just women out there who will turn and run from it regardless of how it is presented to them.

Some people have their own set of circumstances that will create a different atmosphere, and will have more risk for the life they have outside of cding then others do. For some, the closet really might be the best place for them to be.

[Stephanie47]

I rarely see any mean-spirited posts. If anything, I think the board tends to be maybe just a skootch too cheerleadery sometimes. Certainly support and encouragement are important functions of the forum, but it's also useful to help each other be realistic in our perceptions and expectations. Just sayin.

I am in total agreement with Sherri. Many times I have stated in an assessment of whether one should don that pretty dress and heels and go forth into the world and encounter people is "risk vs reward." There have been many many times I've read feedback indicating she wishes she had not followed some advice. It blew up in her face. Yes, there are many here who have the opportunity to strut their stuff without any negative consequences. However, there are many here who do not have that opportunity for a multitude of reasons. I think there was a lively discussion started recently because of name calling, i.e., cowards and liers you are.

So, my advice for any one wanting to do anything. "risk vs reward." And, that is not limited to wearing women's clothing.

This concept that nobody really cares if you're wearing a dress or the sales associate is nice because you're just another dollar gets tossed around a lot. The real answer is and will always be; "Does the person have any skin in the game?" The sales associate gets paid to offer a service, and, if he or she does not approve of any customer for any reason, then she or he has to and should just suck it up. She may think you're cute. Or 0% to 100% passable. It really does not matter because she does not have "any skin in the game." Now, if you think your highly passable and you're really not and you encounter your pastor or the neighbor or the boss or a relative and the "cat is out of the bag" then those people may have "skin in the game." And, negative consequences may flow. People may get shunned or they may get beat up and killed.

I also agree with the comment that women no matter disheveled are more passable than most cross dressers. I see some pretty terribly attired women in Wal-Mart and at the mall, but, they still look like women. I do see on the forum pictures of quite a few ladies who would fool everyone. I sometimes go to You-Tune or other reputable sites and look at some really fabulous ladies. They are drop dead gorgeous. But, I rather be told the truth about my presentation before I decide on the question of "Risk v Reward." I do not make negative comments if I think a lady on this site does not look passable. I do take into consideration that I know she is a he in women's clothing. Maybe in the casual encounter the viewer will not be able to discern that fact.

And, I've learned through almost seven decades of living that support is not and should not be limited to just positive assessments and pats of the back. A true friend will tell you the truth.

[Jenniferathome]

Mutt, I'd like to address a few things. I am sure this does not surprise you;-)

...What I do not always agree with is your proclamations. I can walk around the Village in NYC and I can guarantee you I will feel no fear at all. But walk into a small town in say Alabama, an entirely different story...

I suppose this is in reference to a belief I have (a proclamation?) that one can go anywhere one wants to go. And related to that, that people just don't care. So, Mutt, have you been dressed in some small town in Alabama? Have you walked without fear in NYC? I have done neither (yet) but from actual experiences of mine and from what I read on this very forum, people here are out and about in Alabama, Arkansas, Tennessee, Idaho, the Carolinas, etc., without incident. Now, I will readily agree that the relative uniqueness of a cross dresser in small town Alabama vs San Francisco is likely very different, the reactions of the people don't seem to be. This again, based on what I read here. Nadine captured the idea yesterday very well. stating that people are basically decent. And this is why I write that one CAN go anywhere one WANTS.

...Or the proclamations that a marriage will always survive CDing if it is done right....

Allow me to first formally state that I have never, ever written such a thing. Never. What I have written, many times, is that a marriage with a strong foundation will survive the cross dressing revelation. I have also stated that one can not expect high fives and excitement from their wives even when the marriage is strong. I can use this very forum, again, as proof of position. What is difficult for most people is to be objective about themselves and their relationship. Being married does not mean you have a strong foundation. The HOW of the reveal, I do think is important as it can help mollify some immediate fears and shock. But a shaky relationship is looking for an excuse to end and cross dressing can be that regardless of how one reveals oneself. But cross dressing is not the reason the relationship ends, it's an excuse.

What you wrote and I wrote are very different, are they not?

...For some, the closet really might be the best place for them to be.

I'm not sure what proclamation this might fall under. But I suppose it's under the "you can go out if you want" theme. I have never, ever suggested to anyone that they MUST go out. Only that one can go out IF ONE WANTS TO. What holds us back is not the world, it is us.

Lastly, I'd like to add that the written word does not convey emotion or empathy without many words used. I, quite typically, am economical in my words. I hate typing. I am direct and therefore, if anyone is reading between the lines, they are doing so with their own bias as there is nothing between the lines I write. Truth is a great thing and should be embraced.

[Lori Kurtz]

Crossdressing is an emotionally charged activity for many of us, and sometimes results in unkind responses here. I have no control over others' actions, and I don't know what struggles might have led them to say whatever they say. All I can do is try to be as kind as I can, and try to take a forgiving attitude toward things that I feel are hurtful.

[Tina_gm]

Jennifer, as I have stated, I agree with you way more than I disagree. There are occasions though where a CDer dressed in the wrong place at the wrong time will have some bad consequences. Generally the overall attitudes will be one of eh, whatever, if not kind and encouraging. But, there are places where CDing won't go over well. Thankfully, those places are dwindling in number, but they still do exist.

There are women, and a dwindling number nowadays who will run from CDing no matter how presented or how the CDing itself is presented. I overall agree with you that both of the above play a big part in how successful a marriage or LTR will be after the reveal. And if the marriage is already standing on less than 4 legs, it greatly does add to the possibility of failure. My wife calls it the full plate. The more on the plate, the less one can add to it. How many marriages truly are so solid though? There are many that are generally healthy, but I don't think I know of a single marriage that doesn't have some sort sticky issues. My wife is often amused how many people feel her marriage to me is looked upon by our friends as the most solid and stable. I actually agree that it is. That just goes to show how many people have a lot of bumpy roads they navigate.

Lastly the better in the closet is my statement, sorry for the confusion. I do not mean it to say that CDers should be in the closet, but for some, if the TG portion of their life is not an overwhelming one, and they have situations where coming out would drastically change their life and make it much more difficult, the closet may just be what is best for them. I guess with that I am trying to say that if life overall is going well, and CDing at home without most people knowing about it isn't driving them nuts, then no need to fix what isn't broken.

[Mark/Rebecca]

I think we are very near the end of this nonsense. I hope that soon If you are portraying a female in a tasteful and sincere way then you will definitely pass as a lovely transgendered girl and should be treated in a manner befitting a lady.

[Pat]

That, of course is the key to why we have to get the transgender message out. So one of us in public is not "a man in a dress" but "a transgender person" doing what they're supposed to be doing and known to be harmless.

[ReineD]

I think we are very near the end of this nonsense. I hope that soon If you are portraying a female in a tasteful and sincere way then you will definitely pass as a lovely transgendered girl and should be treated in a manner befitting a lady.

That, of course is the key to why we have to get the transgender message out. So one of us in public is not "a man in a dress" but "a transgender person" doing what they're supposed to be doing and known to be harmless.

But no one can standardize "tasteful". What might be tasteful to one person might be seen as contrived or gaudy to another. And how does one determine "sincere"? For example, we could have a economically advantaged CDer (one who can easily afford all the good things in life including designer clothing), who still goes out there for "kicks".

So the best way to determine "sincere" is transition, if the issue is whether to use women's facilities. But outside of that, everyone is free to go out in public and present in any manner they wish, our society is really that diverse. I don't think we'll ever get to the point of eradicating the segment of the population that disapproves of CDs/TGs/TSs, no matter the TG's style of presentation. Heck, our society is rife with people who condemn others for belonging to different socio/economic groups without even considering gender or sexual variance, for example frat boys vs. rednecks. Jocks vs. book worms. The top x-percent vs. the rest of us. Etc.

[Dana L]

I hear you on that. I actually quit going to this site because of that type of thing. After a while I came back and it seems to be better, but there still is a few that still feel the need put others down. I understand if someone asks for a honest opinion, then they have prepared themselves for a brutal truth, but to blindside someone with criticism is rude and counterproductive to the whole reason this site exists. So I ask people who feel the need to bash others "why are you here? Do you think you can build yourself up by knocking others down?"

[Zooey]

I think we are very near the end of this nonsense. I hope that soon If you are portraying a female in a tasteful and sincere way then you will definitely pass as a lovely transgendered girl and should be treated in a manner befitting a lady.

This is all I could think about when I read this.

[daphne_L]

Lol !!!!