Yesterday I started the day doing my husbandly duty and fixing a couple of sparkler heads that I had to dig out. Moved on to my fatherly duty by going with my sone to get him new baseball cleats and then off to his basketball game. Had the house to myself in the evening and enjoyed dressing. Here's some random thoughts that came to me.
1. I'm comfortable as a man. I enjoy wearing women's clothing and trying to look like a woman, but do not think I would ever want to transition, go through HRT, try to live full-time or be gender-fluid. This is not to make light of those who are different than me and were born in the wrong body for their real gender. It's just that sometimes you wonder when you read threads here about people realizing they're not just CD but actually TS, is it just a matter of time before I feel that way too. As far as I can tell, I know I'm a man inside.
2. I wonder if I would feel differently if I had support about this at a younger age. The old nature versus nurture question. The interest in women's clothing probably happened at a young age. The urge to dress was later in high school. I didn't have any sisters, other family members or friends trying dress me up so I'm guessing this is just part of me that I was always embarrassed by. But I wonder had I been able to express myself in my developing years, would I feel differently and want to not just explore my feminine side occasionally, but take it to a different level as well.
3. I feel a lot less nervous and more relaxed dressing since my wife knows about this. Some background, last year my wife found my clothes. I always had assumed she must have known, but she didn't and it threw her for a loop. While she was very understanding and accepts me, she has decided she doesn't really want to know about it or share the experience with me. I accept this state of DADT because she didn't know before we were married and this really isn't what she bargained for. So with that in mind, I try not to rub her nose in it and only dress when she and the kids are not around. However, should she have come home early for some reason (kids were at my brother's house, she was out with a friend) I know she already knows and feel we could get past it.
4. I need at least an hour and half to really enjoy the experience, especially if I'm going to put on makeup.
5. I'm getting better at makeup, particularly blush and lipstick. Still need a lot of work on eyeliner.
6. In case you didn't get the hint from the last two points, I really enjoy putting on makeup.
7. A little weight loss can make you feel a whole lot better. Recently I lost 15 lbs. I'm still very heavy, but everything went on a whole lot easier, even zipping up my boots.
8. Speaking of my boots, I really need a lot more practice walking in heels.
9. I need a good wig. Have had a couple in the past that I've purged, currently have a couple costume wigs that I got two Halloweens ago. A good wig makes a lot of difference.
10. For me, the pink fog subsides a bit after I get to dress in a relaxed manner. Don't know why, but it just feels like an itch has been scratched.
11. I don't know why I dress. It's not sexual, or as a way of handling stress (though in the past it has had elements of both). I'm not expressing my real gender. I just know that it's something that's part of me, and as I've come to accept that and stop wondering why I feel better about myself.
12. I really like ponte dresses with a cap sleeve. OK< not the greatest observation, but it does make it an even dozen.
Thanks for reading.
Originally Posted by CarlaWestin
