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Thread: Bit of an into, bit of needing help

  1. #1
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    Bit of an into, bit of needing help

    I'm not going to lie, I'm bricking it writing this post. I was born female, and have done my best to act female for the majority of my 28 years on this planet. I've always had a boyish character, don't like getting dressed up in womens clothes and all that but I figured it was all just normal. Which, it is, really.

    I've known since around the age of 19 that, deep down, I feel like a man. But growing up with the sort of people that I did, I kept it hidden (bar the online forums I found back then where I could express myself, knowing other people felt the same way). I've gotten depressed in the past about it, quite a lot. I tried pushing it to the back of my mind and unfortunately, turned to self harm in an effort to cope (about 3 years free of that though so far.). I've not had the confidence to tell anyone due to years of being made fun of for being a tom boy when i was in school (kids, eh?). Recently, the last year, I've found it hard to hide away anymore. I've felt a bit better being able to dress to reflect who I feel I am but I only get to express myself on the odd occasion.

    My main stumbling block, the bit that really stops me from going any further is that I'm currently in a relationship with a very heterosexual man. We've been together almost three years and I love him with all that I am. We're great together. Well, him and the female me. I know that if I admitted it, if I told him it would be the end for us. I just wondered if anyone else has been in this position, if they wanted to share their experiences- how they coped.

    Right now I've sort of resigned myself to knowing that, for the indefinite future, I'll have a female body. But deep down I know who I am, it just hurts that I cant properly let him out.

    Anyway, apologies for the ramble. Nice to meet all of you.

  2. #2
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    Welcome to the forum Aaron

    I am on the other side of the fence, a M2F Transexual, but can read the difficulty you have in being able to express yourself. Whilst we are both on opposite sides of the same coin, I hope that you will have a look, and participate, in the main TS forum. There I'm sure you will find kindred spirits
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    Thank you Nigella, I certainly will. I wasn't sure where the best place would be to post this little ramble, but I've spent the last half an hour reading through posts. Thats the main help- knowing that I'm not alone

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    The F2M section is not as well frequented as the main forums, please feel free introduce yourself to the rest of the membership here, generally they are a friendly bunch You can post anywhere where you have access, but for Female to Male topics, this forum is your best bet.
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  5. #5
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    Hi Aaron and a warm welcome to the forum! Like Nigella, I'm the same coin but just on the other side. Your relationship is still pretty young, you may be true soul mates in which case it really doesn't matter and it WILL be all good! The forum does tend to lean to the MtF side but there are a LOT of us 'tweens' here as well who can help with both sides of the spectrum! Don't be shy, whatever we are, we're a very nice and supportive bunch of human beings!! ☺

  6. #6
    Super Moderator Raychel's Avatar
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    Hello Aaron, Welcome to the forum,
    I certainly do feel your pain, I hope you can find a comfort zone
    for yourself that will continue to make things perfect between you and your man.

    Hopefully in time he wil understand and let you be the real you.
    Everyone has there thing, all that matters is that you are happy, love what you do and who you do it with

  7. #7
    I've made it and love it Jennifer-GWN's Avatar
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    Aaron;

    Your situation is not unlike many of ours on the MTF side. Feeling wrong, doing what's expected, being confused, not fitting in, depression. Sounds very familiar. Relationships do complicate things however in the end you have to be you and feel good about yourself. Many of us have gone through life "doing the right thing". I myself got so far down that path that it took til my 50s and hitting personal rock bottom to make the move forward and transition. Mind you I don't regret having a family and what I've accomplished but also look back through transitioned eyes and see how different and fulfilling my life could have been if I'd pursued this a long time ago. Mind you the times were different then and situations now don't translate backward in time well.

    These are the times one should take stock of their lives... Look deep down into your sole and ask yourself the tough questions. This is also a good time to also enlist the services of a good gender therapist to help coax out the questions and answers with you.

    Be you... Be happy.

    Cheers... Jennifer
    I am who I am... I'm happy...I mean truly to the bone happy...and at peace with myself for the first time ever. I'm confident and content as the woman I am.

  8. #8
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    That situation sounds exactly like mine, but I'm definitely heterosexual. I'm attracted to men who are extremely masculine and dominant. And I'm also sub and being around someone who's more masculine than me also makes me feel more balanced. Straight guys always told me they liked how I wasn't like most girls and how masculine I acted and how high my sex drive was, but I also attract a lot of bisexual men and men that also claim to be homosexual, and the latter really doesn't make any sense to me since I obviously look female, but I'm guessing it was more of an emotional attraction because I do act extremely masculine.

    I already told my boyfriend I was thinking of it, and he hates the idea of me becoming a man. He's really open minded so it didn't end our relationship to talk about it, but he still hates the idea. Well it didn't surprise him or my parent's because I complain about how people treat me like a "girl" all the time and i've never, ever tried to be "girly". I don't even dress in women's clothes most of the time, yet people can still somehow tell that I have a vagina and they judge me because of it, thinking I'm frail and weak, when I can lift heavier weights than most men at the gym. I wonder if there are many people that just learn to cope this way, instead of actually getting a sex change or cross dressing.
    Maybe there is a guide book that could teach me how to be more feminine. I wish I could just be happy the way I am without having to prove to people that just because I have a vagina doesn't mean they have to recognize that in every conversation they have with me and that I can't lift heavy things because of it. I wish I had the nerve to tell people to stop calling me names based on my gender. The next time someone calls me "nice lady" I'm going to get so mad. I'm not trying to be nice, and I'm certainly not trying to be a lady and I think it's so disrespectful how people can just assume that I want to be labeled as such. I'd be much happier if they didn't call me anything at all.

    I feel like Sally Solomon from third rock from the sun (a masculine alien warrior who has to get used to a human female body) except I envy how she was able to get used to the female body and human experience as a woman, and I just feel awkward. I love that show, I wish it was never cancelled.

    Anyways, sorry for the huge ramble it's just awesome to meet other people who are likeminded.

  9. #9
    Silver Member Tina_gm's Avatar
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    Thunderseed, in some ways you are a "male" version of me. Although I do not (that I know of) attract a lot of gay men or women I sometimes do feel much the way you do in reverse. I especially connected when you talk about the guidebook to being more feminine, mine would be more masculine. Here's the kicker though, for most guys and most girls, masculinity and femininity comes natural to them. No guidebook needed. One of the things that is hardest for my wife about this is that she recognizes that being feminine is natural for me, while being masculine is something I have to think about at times.

    I don't really get angry about being called sir, but in the rarest of circumstances where my wife has used the female pronoun, even jokingly, it sounded every bit as right as the male pronoun. I don't see transition in my future, although I do believe at least I could live as a woman without much difficulty. Probably less so than living as a man.
    Chickens should be allowed to cross the road without having their motives questioned

  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by thunderseed View Post
    That situation sounds exactly like mine, but I'm definitely heterosexual. I'm attracted to men who are extremely masculine and dominant. And I'm also sub and being around someone who's more masculine than me also makes me feel more balanced. Straight guys always told me they liked how I wasn't like most girls and how masculine I acted and how high my sex drive was, but I also attract a lot of bisexual men and men that also claim to be homosexual, and the latter really doesn't make any sense to me since I obviously look female, but I'm guessing it was more of an emotional attraction because I do act extremely masculine.

    I already told my boyfriend I was thinking of it, and he hates the idea of me becoming a man. He's really open minded so it didn't end our relationship to talk about it, but he still hates the idea.
    Has it ever occurred to you, thunderseed, that you may well be not heterosexual at all - but may, in fact, be a gay man. What you describe is very much like what other gay transmen I know describe.

    One other bit of information. The attraction of bisexual men to you isn't surprising. They are not homosexual however - being bi is a thing unto itself, not x% straight / y% gay.

    Have you considered visiting a trans support group? I think you might find this to be beneficial. I lead such a group in Dallas, and so I know a fairly wide range of trans men, from the arrow straight dude I am engaged to, to guys that visit bath houses, to the redneck "it's heritage not hate" rebel flag wearing leather top dude I know.

    As for your boyfriend, I know of men who've stayed with their SO who transitioned FtM, but that is rare. (More or less the same, or worse, situation, really than with MtF's and their female SO's.)

    If I can be of any assistance, please feel free to PM me.

    There are several things that might make people gender you, as they do:
    1. breasts. Do you use a binder?
    2. Lack of facial hair.
    3. Your voice - the pitch and resonance of your voice may be a dead giveaway. Also speech patterns - although those aren't fatal. Many FtM's I know simply take T, which for most, causes their voices to drop in pitch substantially. This alone makes most of them have a voice that passes for male, although many of them sound somewhat like gay men, because they retain the feminine speech patterns that they have learned while growing up. (cis gay men, and cis women, actually speak fairly differently. But there are certain common elements that make people who aren't used to hearing the difference hear "feminine speech pattern" when a gay dude talks. This is reinforced by the fact that some gay men are feminine to some degree, at least in a superficial way, although sometimes more deeply than that.) Most of the trans guys I know are happy to "pass as male - even if it's pass as a gay male", with their voices. Even if they are straight. Just as long as they pass.
    4. Lack of other secondary masculine characteristics - facial features, size, body mass.
    5. Aside from clothes, do you have a singularly masculine hairstyle? Presentation alone isn't typically enough to make people gender you as male, because quite a lot of garments women can wear are just feminized versions of male garments, and a lot of people can't tell the difference - or rather presentation rates pretty low in terms of gendering people.

  11. #11
    Senior Member phili's Avatar
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    Hi Aaron,
    I think I'm another male mirror image- here's my take. You sounded pretty happy about the relationship between your BF and your feminine self. But... there's also this boy inside. Is that right?

    In our society most people take it for granted they have to conform, or hide and suffer, and I'll put it out there that the best cure for this is to come out as who you are.

    First of all, being transgender is no longer a big mystery- it is everywhere. Second, a lot of people haven't really thought about it, but will be very grateful to find that their friend is one, and no one dies because of it.

    Third, we simply need to be ourselves to be the whole people that make the best friends, partners, parents, etc.
    Fourth, my wife swore up and down that she could not and would not change her opinion or be with me when dressing in women's wear, and after I finally got it straight in my mind that this was making me a sex object, she got that. She thanked me today for helping her grow.
    5th- you might find as I do that you actually don't need to have a different body or disguise yours- just let yourself be a boy when you feel it and everything will feel really normal and a great relief. If I don't tuck, you don't have to bind.

    You will actually be doing everyone a favor by loosening the rules.

    If you love your boyfriend, say, I really love being with you, and our relationship needs to expand a bit - I'm finding I have boy feelings, but I'm still into you. That's confusing, but can we explore this together?

    He might say hell no [as his opening negotiating position] , but tomorrow is another day of personal growth. The bottom line here is your happiness, and I'm convinced it lies in being true to yourself and a good human being.
    We are all beautiful...!

  12. #12
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    Cant help with direct personal experience sorry Aaron as I'm MTF TS.

    There are a number of couples on these boards where the male partner has transitioned (MTF) and they have stayed together and the female partners still positively identify as heterosexual (including my wife). So I guess in that respect you may find some help there.

    I suspect it may depend on the length of your relationship. I'm female attracted, guys just don't do it for me at all, never have and still don't, but if my wife needed to transition FTM then yes I would stay with him.

    So I don't know the answer but what I do know is this. If you truly feel and believe that your are male then irrespective of how much you love your partner you have to tell him. Whether he stays or not HAS to be HIS choice, not yours by you pretending to be female. If you love him truly you will see that is the only fair option. Now HOW you tell him is a completely different kettle of fish Irrespective of what you choose and what happens there will be people here to support you.

    Best Wishes

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