When you first began dressing, were you also confused with your sexuality?

[Tammy494]

Before I get jumped on, I know that the belief that all cross dressers are gay is NOT true. I've talked to many of you and I see how there are many of you who are completely straight. But my question is, when you first started dressing at whatever age it was, were you confused about your sexuality at first? Im not sure if any of you remember my situation, but I'm in a relationship with a CD. I had to break up with him for him to finally come clean and he BARELY confessed. It was more of him just spitting it out finally to win me back because I told him it was the only way. But I still have fears, and I still have no clue what's going through his mind. So He's 24 right now, what was going through your mind at this point in your life with crossdressing?

[Nadine Spirit]

Hi Tammy-

My situation is a bit different than others. I never cross dressed until sometime in my twenties. But I have always had gender non-conforming likes and behaviors. Anywho.... I have never been confused as to my sexuality. I have always known that I enjoy women sexually. Though with my likes and dislikes being so different than the typical male and having only ever been shown that any different type of male must be gay, I did question if I was gay. I have always come to the same conclusion though, if I was gay, shouldn't that mean that I am attracted to men? Which I never have been. So even though the answer to your question is a yes, I have pondered it, the answer has always been no.

I kind of think that if one never considers this question, that is more concerning than someone who does consider it. Because if one can't even consider it, then one is too afraid of what the truth might be. I am not afraid of being gay, I'm just not attracted to men.

[MissDanielle]

seeing as how gender identity and sexual orientation are two different animals, all I know is that I felt an urge to raid my mom's closet in 8th grade but did not understand why. Same goes for every time I entered a store that sold women's clothing. I was young and not educated enough to understand what was really going on at the time. i do know: i'm a woman born with the wrong body and starting HRT next week.

[Jenniferathome]

No. Never confused about it. I liked girls in grade school and that never changed. We are wired to be what we are. No one chooses straight, gay, whatever. Funny story, I had been dabbling in cross dressing since I was 8. But, when i was about 13, I wore my first dress. Moments before I put on the dress I wondered if doing so would "make me" gay. Like that's a thing. I mean I'm standing in my sister's room in pantyhose, a stuffed bra and her heels and I am wondering if a dress will put me over the top! Kids.... So stupid.

[Tammy494]

I kind of think that if one never considers this question, that is more concerning than someone who does consider it. Because if one can't even consider it, then one is too afraid of what the truth might be. I am not afraid of being gay, I'm just not attracted to men.

I feel this is a good viewpoint and I think it's important that he addresses this with himself even if he isn't.

I completely agree that they are two separate things, but as Nadine is saying, I'm wondering how many of you have been confused about it along with all of the other confusion that comes with the crossdressing.

[raeleen]

Hi Tammy,

I think that because society in general does not differentiate clearly between gender and sexuality, many of us are pre-conditioned to think that the two are linked. Pile that on with the fact that many crossdressers begin feeling the urge to dress early in their lives and then through puberty, when sex and sexuality seems to cross-over to just about everything, it all becomes one big murky mess.

If your partner is just starting to come to grips with their own dressing, it wouldn't be shocking if they were still questioning some aspects of their sexuality. Not totally shocking for anyone in their 20's. I'd try to be patient with him and just encourage him to be honest with you about what he's thinking. good luck!

[Adriana Moretti]

i was confused with my sexuality at a young age, but this had nothing to do with my dressing...from what i remember from back then...i dressed cause i enjoyed the clothes and I never questioned my own sexuality when dressed....when I wasnt dressed though I DO remember questioning my sexuality and wondering why I felt the way I did. Btw...I am pretty much gay.... or bi is maybe a better term i ( I would never kick the right girl out of bed) ...

[Jenniferathome]

...

I kind of think that if one never considers this question, that is more concerning than someone who does consider it. Because if one can't even consider it, then one is too afraid of what the truth might be. ...

But Nadine, how does one "consider" a subject when there is no question, no doubt, no debate? I am white. Should I consider if I am white? My sexuality is equally obvious to me. There is no internal debate, despite the fact that I cross dress. That's a thing, unrelated to my sexuality.

[carhill2mn]

No, I was never confused about my sexuality. I started wearing my mother's clothes at such a young age that I really knew nothing about sexuality at the time.

[LisaJ1]

No,I was not and figured that out in my late teens.I am bisexual and came out when I was 17 years old.My girlfriend knows I am bisexual and she is too

[BillieAnneJean]

Nope!
I am a guy 100% with about 37.621% female.

So I am 137.621% me.

But seriously, no my sexuality has always been as a male attracted to females. So when I am dressed that make me a pseudo lesbian I guess.

[Amanda M]

Tammy, when I began crossdressing I was most certainly not aware of my sexuality. I did not even know that different sexualities existed. I was simply drawn ( and this is NOT cop out) to female underthings. Don't ask me why. But I was. If this strikes a chord with anyone, please make your point.

Later, as an Army medic, it rarely crossed my mind. I then met my wife - who is the best woman any man could wish for, and initially I felt little or no need to waer the underthings I had enjoyed. However, true to type, the wish raised it's head again. At first, that was fine. However as time rolled on, I began to be more and more confused about myself, and this impacted on my wife. She is so perceptive that it was inevitable. We talked. WE tried to work it out, and to a certain extent we succeeded, thanks to her tolerance and acuity.

Later, though, things got tough. I started to throw guilt tantrums (and for those of you have any psychology training, these were transference)

Fortunately, I got a hold of myself, and over time, we are - well, one. Enough that Catriona gave me a birthday card which said "I am yours, for all of my life." How lucky can I be to have that kind of love?

In short, then, I am still "Straight" sexually. Never had any doubts about that. I think I am much like Jennifer - without the looks. Just being who we are, and enjoying the days we have left. Listen, young ones - they pass too soon. Make your life NOW. Tomorrow may be a bit late.

Thank you to all of those here who have helped, given me support and made me think. All of us out there need each other, so be kind, but honest.

Hugs to all!

[Teresa]

Tammy,
My dressing started sexually, but at the age of nine I never considered my sexuality. It wasn't until I came out to my wife in my forties that I really questioned what was driving me, I felt then that I was both male and female in the same body. A counsellor at that time discounted it but bringing this, I questioned it again recently and provided a different answer and one I'm now comfortable with. Now I know my male side is overlaid with a female trait intertwined with my sexuality, the nearest description being a male lesbian, basically it has been about fifty years of internal conflict !
I can deal with it and live with it now I know what has been tearing me apart.

[Mayo]

I'm somewhat uncertain about my gender but not my sexuality, which I've been pretty clear on for decades - I'm 'heteroinclined', meaning that I prefer women but don't mind being with men. On the other hand, I've only been dressing (in private) since last year and questioning my gender for a year or so before that - I'm currently thinking of myself as non-binary but still primarily male (maybe 80:20?). The fact that I do occasionally like sex with men (and could probably have a romantic relationship with one if the right guy came along) has nothing to do with my gender.

If you're seeking affirmation that your partner isn't gay, nobody can give you that, either here or elsewhere. Most of us are pretty much straight (50-60%, including bi-curious) and the percentage who are gay (maybe 5-10%) probably isn't much higher than in the general population, but the percentage who are more or less bisexual (30-40%) might be. Odds are that he's straight, but only he knows for sure (if he even does).

[Tammy494]

I think I need to be honest here and explain why I have this fear. Months back, I found a bunch of links on his laptop and they were all either profiles to CDs/TS people and/or links to what seems like CD/TS porn. Most of them seemed to be old so the link didn't work anymore. I came across 1 non CD/TS link of two men. When confronted, (this was when he was still denying crossdressing too) he lied about it obviously, but said he has the worst luck and that my mind is probably made up. He said he's really not gay, and if I'm being honest I've NEVER had suspicions that he is even before AND after me finding out about the crossdressing. But after finding that, I don't know what to think. He has always seemed very into me and women and we've always had a good sex life and he has never seemed interested in men, and has never been homophobic at all. I'm terrified to post this because of the honest replies that I will get from all of you but I need to know if I should seriously be worried or if it's maybe just a fantasy that will never be lived out. He has never cheated on me, and I don't feel that he ever would but the trust is pretty shaky right now.

Also, to clarify, the profiles didn't even look like porn, it was more like just videos of Them dressed and going out, ect. And there were more profiles than the other links. I don't know if this makes a difference.

[pamela7]

no, the dressing augmented my sexuality :-)
what the dressing has done is to question my gender and led to me understanding my pains, suffering and life experience, and knowing my true gender.

[Lorileah]

the thing is that many if not most of the crossdressers when they start have this run through their mind. It is because of societies little boxes. If...then. I am happy so many here were dead set at early age to be one or the other, bravo. I wasn't. I was confused. And to make this even MORE confusing I was a TA for human sexuality in college 4 semesters (pre-AIDs and I was about 24) and we said everyone was who they are and that they should enjoy what they liked (within certain limits). Side note: this class let me know I wasn't the only "Crossdresser" or TG in the world and part of what allowed me to come out.

Point is, having worked with early college age kids I found out that many ARE confused about sexuality or parts of sexuality. Most of this confusion was taught. So in the OP's case I am not sure that is the case, but in the 1980's it was. Add to that, that many of my students had had some sort of homosexual contact and they liked it but not enough to say they were gay (thus the curve on sexuality where no one is one or the other totally). Did I dress for sexual reasons? Back then I did everything for sexual reasons. But the dressing was something different. Being an average 24 year old, I would not be surprised how many did dress and make it sexual.

So, the point. I wonder if the OP's SO isn't just doing what he thinks is expected of him. I know I remember thinking I needed to try a man when I started ...restarted...20 years ago. In my case, it wasn't a leap, I knew I was bi (leaning heavily to women tho). My opinion is the thought goes through most CDs heads

[Sarah Louise]

This never crossed my mind when I first dressed as I was about four when I first put on my mum's tights. However, as a teenager I dabbled more and more and I did question whether this would make me gay, even though I had no such feelings and liked girls. (It's confusing being a kid!)

Fortunately, my dad, being very enlightened, had bought my older brother a book that gave factual information to boys about adolescence and what their bodies were going through. Later, this was passed down to me. There was a section about transvestites and it pointed out that most were heterosexual. This book really helped me as this was in the early 1980s - there was no internet. Not only did I realise that I wouldn't turn gay, but I also realised that it wasn't just me who liked to wear women's clothes.

The book was called 'Boys and Sex'. You can still buy it on Amazon.

[2B Natasha]

Hi Tammy

I think, in your situation it's a very fair question. You preface it by saying when we where young or our first time. But I think your really wondering what your BF is perhaps not telling you. Since it took almost you leaving him for him to come clean about dressing what else is behind the curtain. Is he BI? Is he Gay and won't admit it? Is he straight? ( Whatever that means LOL ). Is there something hid in there that he is not telling you. Since you've read allot of post's you must have read that many of us stayed in the state of denial for a LONG TIME about even being crossdressers. Our experiences are only placards along the path for you to read. Fortunately or unfortunately each of us has a unique journey with a unique ending point. I hope BF comes clean all the way. For both of you. So he can get it out and not carry that weight if he is and for you so you can stop the wondering and just get back to the loving part. That loving part is the good stuff.

Cheers

[Nadine Spirit]

But Nadine, how does one "consider" a subject...

Because I consider everything. I question everything.

Am I white? I think so.... at least that is how my skin looks. But being adopted, I don't really know my ethnicity. So do I ponder it? Yup I do.

Unlike many, as a youngster, I did not realize that sexuality is not connected to gender. Thus I thought it might be connected.

I question a great deal of things that I am becoming more aware that many people don't.

It is simply my opinion that questioning one's likes, dislikes, behaviors, traits, etc. is a healthy thing. Clearly you and I disagree.

You know that whole "unexamined life" thing?

[Mickitv]

Certainly never understood it when I was young. As I got older and began to understand I just loved it and as I dressed more I knew that I wanted to be with men but I did add women later which is why I consider myself bisexual

[sometimes_miss]

But I still have fears

Sooooooooooo, pretty much nothing has changed. Kudos, however, for sticking with it this long.

I'm pretty sure that after the first time any of us crossdressed, we wondered why we did it; maybe only for a few seconds, others, contemplating the behavior for much longer. Then, later, we may have wondered if any other boys did it too. Some of us would go on to try to figure ourselves out, while others would 'bury it' in our psyche, hoping by ignoring it, it would go away. Sounds like your BF is one of the latter. Some of us, perhaps because of societal, familial and religious stigmas against men being feminine or gay in any way were taught to us as those being the absolute worst things any man can be, cannot even consciously consider those possibilities. So, there is a possibility that he's dealing with that, and, if so, this could be a very long road ahead of you. Still, you're going to learn a lot by continuing your investigation into all this, maybe even eventually going into one of the mental health fields to help others deal with their own gender identity traumas.

Here, I'll quote your post in the other forum:

Well I'll quote his answer "yeah so maybe I was, doesn't mean I still like to do it."

This indicates that he still can't accept his own behavior. Until he can, he will keep holding back things that both of you need to know in order for him to make any progress.

Until he can talk to you without holding information back, trying to guess can very easily confuse the issue, as he may feel one thing, but suspect you might accept what you suggest better than what he's really feeling, so then lead you on the wrong path because he's afraid the correct one will end badly. I'd suggest keep trying, and maybe at some point he will be able to trust you enough to tell you everything he's feeling. Only then will you be able to start figuring him out.

[Kimberley May]

Well yes and no. I knew that I always liked women, but having very little luck with them over the years I did start getting confused thoughts about guys too. But the crossdressing was always initially separate from that, as I briefly dabbled for 5 minutes here and there whilst growing up, which I believe still to this day as a kinda mechanism to feel closer to romantic female intimacy which I had lacked.

Now I am coming into my mid 40's I recently got into CD though in a much fuller way, just a few months back. Really only a month after I split with my longterm girlfriend after 7 years. I believe it's a reaction to that loss of female intimacy again. But as I was still always bi-curious, dressing up and stumbling on two certain CD dating websites, initially I was just looking for some kinda support not really fully realising at first what these certain sites were all about, but after being given approving attention and propositioned countless times, something I never experienced before, the bi-curiousity finally got the better of me. I guess my mid-life crisis finally kicked in, in a massive way.

I met up with a couple of guys on one weekend late last year shortly after the break-up, one on a Saturday and another the next day. It was a real surreal rabbit hole weekender moment in my life. TBH, I regret it. Sure I have satisfied my curiousity and now realise that I am straight, not bisexual. But on the other hand, I can't get the feeling of violation out of me. Particularly the second day where I immediately ran a hot bath. I could smell his odour for days. I only have myself to blame.

I then decided to leave those decadent sites and found this much nicer place. I guess I just lost it for a while after splitting with my SO, but the dressing still continues although I feel it is still more a part of my depression and finding some solace without a woman in my life. Thing is though, shortly after my strange weekend, I met another woman, and we're still dating to this day and have become more serious. But now I've got myself hooked on the CD'ing which she doesn't know about. I am hoping that it might just be another passing phase. But at least it doesn't make me feel that sense of shame and regret as I do on that surreal weekend, and we're also not living together and I only see her on the odd days. I think I'll just keep my CD'ing private as an escapism for now, until such a time comes when we may move in together then purge, as I am getting the impression that she wouldn't approve, and my relationship with her is more important to me. I'm still very comfy in drab mode as I have been most of my life without a second thought anyway.

[JessiFoxx]

No not all, I started dressing at a very early age and sexuality had nothing to do with it o even crossed my mind. It was all about the shoes and clothes for me. Once I hit puberty and became more aware of my body I did question myself like I'm most of us have even for a brief moment. But I'm def straight. If I were to transition I'd hope to be able to stay with my wife whom I love with all my heart.

[Diversity]

I was never confused with my sexuality. I just found myself enjoying the experience of crossdressing, and to this day, 60 years later, I still do not really understand why I derive so much pleasure from doing so. There must be some hidden compartment locked away in my brain that has never been opened.
I may try reverse hypnotherapy some day, to see if I can unlock this compartment. However, at this point in time, it doesn't really bother me that I don't know the reason, as I am just happy about being me, and having come clean with my wife four years ago. I am at peace with myself.
Di