Came out to wife again 17 years later after the ultimatum "do it again and were done"

[jenn]

We have been struggling for months if not years and we finally hit a boiling point. She had been asking me what is going on, "is there something I need to know?". I was so afraid because last time was so bad. We fought a bit and she yelled "just tell me what it is already!". I broke down and let it out! We have been communicating openly and honestly since and it seems that we are going to be ok. Not a DADT but supportive and loving on both sides.
We have agreed to baby steps and open honest communications. She has asked me a million questions and they were really hard for me to answer. I think it has been somewhat of an awakening for me as to my true self. The feeling is one of fear and peace at the same time. I feel so feminine because I am allowing my softer emotions to come to the surface and release them in the form of tears, laughter and honesty. I am writing this to share and to hopefully hear from you girls about your experiences both good and bad.

Thank you all again for your previous kind words and support,

Jenn

[Nadine Spirit]

Good for you Jenn! How difficult that must have been. I am impressed with your fortitude. My advice, keep the lines of communication open.

Good luck!

[bridget thronton]

Hope you both do well moving forward

[Amy Lynn3]

Communicate, communicate, communicate are the advise I offer Jenn. Talk/share feelings even if you feel you will be shot down. The hard part is over now, so communicate your feelings and appreciation to your wife.

[Jenny Doolittle]

I am so happy for you and wife Jenn, I recall back years ago when My wife and I had our "talk." You will hopefully find (and she will too) that now because there is no hiding your relationship will grow together! Wish you the very best!

Jenny

[Stephanie47]

I truly hope it works out for you. I think "the talk" is to be expected and should be encouraged. I've always been one to believe all the cards should be put on the table. When my wife and I had "the talk" I answered all her questions, and, I did not try to BS my way through it. My wife is not stupid! I mentioned exactly once a BS answer that wearing women's clothing helps me to better understand women. She shot back that you'll understand what's it like to be a woman when you have a baby. Good point. My suggestion is to not try to BS a wife, but, to tell the truth. In my case I told her the truth which is "I do not know why I do what I do!" There is a difference between trying to explain dressing in women's clothing may bring some peace and serenity or escape from pressures of working and obligations or dealing with failure. But, it does not answer why I choose women's clothing rather than immersing myself in some destructive behavior such as drugs or alcohol.

My experience has lead to thirty plus years of DADT, and, I mean 100% DADT. No cheating with trying to feminize myself. There must be open communication, but, that does not mean husband and wife need to discuss it over coffee every day.

[Teresa]

Jenn,
I don't know why we call them baby steps , everyone feels huge, and everyone you take feels like the last one before the next eruption !

My advice is try and work some answers out, it sounds as if your wife may listen this time but what you tell her has to make some sense, just saying I don't understand and possibly breaking down is no use to her. She will want to see the man so she expects you to be strong enough to find things out for yourself .
I know exactly how my CDing started and how it 's affected me , I tell the truth about it now because I understand it and can explain it to others, I do appreciate that they don't fully understand it but have only to ask when they're ready . We all know where we stand , which is as fair as I can be about it.

[Sarah Louise]

Hi Jen,

I came out to my wife just under three weeks ago. Similar to you, I experienced conflicting emotions. In the first four days, I went from deep worry that I had done the right thing to huge elation that I didn't have to lie any more, then a complete downer when it hit me what I was putting her through. Fortunately, quite quickly, my wife came to terms that this is part of me and when balanced against all my other qualities that she does like, it isn't really that big a deal. Initially, she made it clear that she never wanted to see anything, but she has since looked at some photos of me dressed. We laugh about it. At the end of the day it can be quite funny.

I think the key is as you point out, baby steps and open communication. Although you have a softer side, it's still ok to be the man about the house to remind her that you're still the same guy she fell in love with. I truly believe that if your marriage is strong and you love each other then things will probably work out, even if it's something she never sees. Now surely that's better than living a lie for the rest of your life?

Good luck!

Sarah

[Leslie Langford]

I wish you well, jenn, and while I don't want to be a "Debbie Downer", it strikes me from what you have written here that you have a "history" with your wife that raises some red flags. You were forced into the closet for 17 years, the ultimatum "do it again and we're done!" was issued by her the last time, and most recently you were fighting and she was yelling at you - rather than communicating respectfully - to extract information from you as to what was troubling you.

Sorry to say, but she sounds like a bit of a hard-@ss to me, and while she may have softened her stance for the moment and you seem to be able to talk openly about your crossdressing for now, I wouldn't bet the farm that it will stay all unicorns and rainbows from hereon in if I were you.

I hope I'm wrong for your sake, but I think the odds may be against you over the long haul as leopards typically don't change their spots...