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Thread: Out of the Closet to my Wife....Now What?

  1. #1
    Junior Member Michelle Fox's Avatar
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    Out of the Closet to my Wife....Now What?

    My wife and I arranged a weekend getaway for ourselves during the Valentine's weekend. We went out to dinner, then saw a romantic movie, The Choice, and then checked into a hotel for the evening. While we were enjoying a soak in the hotel's hot tub. The conversation somehow turned toward feeling different textures against our legs. She knows I shave my legs and most of my body and is cool with that. She said, "You knows what really tickles and drives me crazy?" "When I have pantyhose on and I tickle my legs."

    I replied, "Oh really, I haven't tried that yet." She responded, "Haha....yeah right. What...are you a crossdresser or something?" She could tell by the look on my face that she had busted me. At that point, after over 25 years of keeping it secret from her I told her yes, I was a crossdresser.

    She didn't jump out of the hot tub and run for the door. She didn't respond with anything that I could perceive as her feeling deceived all these years.

    The first question she asked was, "Did you wear your sisters clothes?" I told here a couple of stories of my childhood start in crossdressing. How my mom sent me to school in my sister's tights because she said their were no clean socks to wear. How I would dress up in my sister's clothes and we would play together.

    My wife said she knew I was really into fashion and said that must be what the attraction is in women's clothes.

    We were just starting to explore the topic further in that empty hotel pool area, when some more people came in. Unfortunately, the subject was dropped just like that.

    As I mentioned, my wife knew of my fascination with all fashion, men's and women's. She knows I wear some female clothes in drab. I occasionally wear women's jeans, shoes, shorts, and sweaters and seems cool about all that.

    She also knows I wear some light makeup (foundation and concealer) on a daily basis and seems to be OK with that. She likes that I give her tips on makeup and fashion and I've introduced her to some new things that she's adopted into her makeup routine like a beauty blender sponge and using Nail Envy to strengthen her nails every once and awhile.

    I've also recently learned how to sew and now we both sew on the weekends and she'll often ask me my opinion on some garment she is constructing.

    I say all this to say that when I admitted to being a crossdresser last weekend, it wasn't too much out of character.

    First of all it feels soooooo good to be able to know that I no longer have to hide this secret from her. I'm out of the closet and moving to the next level. At least that's what I dreamed would happen when I finally gathered up the courage to tell her. By next level I mean moving all the things that I have hidden into my drawers and my side of the closet, and just being able to talk more freely about my feminine feelings. But, that's not what is happening.

    Like I said, our conversation ended abruptly and I really couldn't go through all the points I wanted to talk about when I rehearsed the scene in my head. And she didn't get to ask any of the questions she may have based on what others have said their spouses have asked.

    The subject wasn't brought up by her the rest of the weekend and we had a fantastic weekend together where we both felt a deeper love for each other as we reflected on it on Monday. That night I went out and bought a card that expressed my love for her and wrote a note thanking her for accepting me as I am and apologizing for keeping the secret from her all these years. I also added that if she ever wanted to talk about my crossdressing or have questions about it, I wanted to talk.

    I left it on the dresser and left for work. Later that morning she sent me a text thanking me for the card and expressing love for me with words and emojis. Since the first discussion, the topic has never been brought up.

    Now I feel like I'm in limbo. Should I wait for her to bring it up again? Should I continue to conceal any of my ferminine clothing or makeup that she has never seen until I get the green light from her? Has this happened to you? If you are a GG reading this, I would appreciate any advice. If she needs time, I'm OK with that. It's this not knowing what she's thinking that's driving me crazy.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member alwayshave's Avatar
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    Michelle, what a wonderful story. If only all reveals went so well.
    Please call me Jamie, I always_have crossdressed, I always will, "alwayshave".

  3. #3
    carolyn todd carolyn todd's Avatar
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    Michelle
    Give her time, let your SO think about it just be your self ?.
    good luck

    Carolyn xx

  4. #4
    Platinum Member
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    Hi Michelle, Now that the ball is in your wonderfulwife's court ,
    Go slow and don't overwhelm her with this program.

    Please keep us advised of your progress. ~~......
    Having my ears triple pierced is AWESOME, ~~......

    I can explain it to you, But I can't comprehend it for you !

    If at first you don't succeed, Then Skydiving isn't for you.

    Be careful what you wish for, Once you ring a bell , you just can't Un-Ring it !! !!

  5. #5
    Gold Member NicoleScott's Avatar
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    You did the right thing by offering to talk further IF SHE WANTS TO. And you let her know that you want to talk. Now.......you wait. For her.
    Just because she accepts this about you doesn't mean she's ready for YOUR next level.

  6. #6
    Claire Claire Cook's Avatar
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    Hi Michelle,

    If my experience is any guide, do follow Blue Orchid and Carolyn's advice. Your wife has much to digest, but she sounds like a wonderfully understanding (and perceptive) person.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC] Proud member of the Lacey Leigh Fan Club

  7. #7
    Aspiring Member AnnieMac's Avatar
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    yeah for sure, she's got the ball after the inbound, let her shoot the 3 or take the time out. ( sorry, not a very girly answer, but the tomboy answer is what I got this morning )

  8. #8
    MIDI warrior princess Amy Fakley's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Michelle Fox View Post
    ... She knows I shave my legs and most of my body and is cool with that ... As I mentioned, my wife knew of my fascination with all fashion, men's and women's. She knows I wear some female clothes in drab. I occasionally wear women's jeans, shoes, shorts, and sweaters and seems cool about all that.

    She also knows I wear some light makeup (foundation and concealer) on a daily basis and seems to be OK with that. She likes that I give her tips on makeup and fashion and I've introduced her to some new things that she's adopted into her makeup routine like a beauty blender sponge and using Nail Envy to strengthen her nails every once and awhile.

    I've also recently learned how to sew and now we both sew on the weekends and she'll often ask me my opinion on some garment she is constructing.

    I say all this to say that when I admitted to being a crossdresser last weekend, it wasn't too much out of character.
    Yeah, call me crazy, but I've got a feeling she may have had an inkling already ... What with the makeup and shoes and jeans y'know? :-)

    Perhaps she's not talking because this is not exactly a shocking revelation from her perspective? I know ... that's not the "typical" SO response we read about 'round here, but this doesn't sound like your typical coming out story.

    Best of luck to both of you, and congratulations. I suspect good things ahead :-)
    "Why shouldn't art be pretty? There are enough unpleasant things in the world." -Pierre-Auguste Renoir

  9. #9
    Reality Check
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    I think that since the cat is now out of the box, you can slowly introduce your wife to your dressing. Start with panties. Not frilly pink with hearts, just plain black or perhaps nude. If she doesn't object, wear some non-frilly blouses. Perhaps add a bra, then small forms.

    You have to judge her reaction and know when to slow down or when you can take it further.

    Whatever you do, leave the hooker clothing and six inch heels in hiding.

  10. #10
    Miss Judy Judy-Somthing's Avatar
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    Hello Michelle,

    Six weeks ago I tried coming out to my to my wife about CDing.

    I said to her it might be fun to put on a dress, she freaked. I told her when I was a teenager myself and a few friends dressed a bunch of times and would walk around town.

    She said it's all making sense now that four times I dressed up for Halloween and watch shows like (What not to Wear) and that I always made comments on women's dresses and hairstyles.

    She told me not to tell anyone else what I told her.

    Well now six weeks later since that night she never asked me anything relating to CDing, I love her and I'm afraid to rock the boat.

    I think she wants it all to go away.
    "This is ME" I am not CRAZY, I'm just a GUY who likes dresses!
    Since allot of men dress up in woman's clothing that makes it a manly thing to do!
    Much more fun than fishing.
    I do construction like house building and I love CD-ing, what's the difference?

  11. #11
    Aspiring Member Jackie7's Avatar
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    Yah don't tell anyone else is what my exwife said to me, 16 years ago. Then she told everyone.

  12. #12
    Gold Member
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    I am with many of the above post that you should go real slow.
    Give her a few days to let it sink in; Then if it still bothers you,
    Try again to engage in a conservation on dressing by the back
    door. Like the way I started with my wife be fore we where married.
    I made a commit about a fancy dress I saw on TV. remarking
    that I like that dress, and wouldn't mine trying it on.
    It opened up the door, and we talked. In the end, she was OK.
    with my dressing, but with some house rules.
    Rader

  13. #13
    ADMINISTRATOR Sandra's Avatar
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    GG here ... first of all don't move any of your stuff yet that could just blow up in your face.

    Now I would suggest that you give it a few more days and if she doesn't bring the subject up, then ask her if you can have a chat with her about what was said, take each day as it comes and don't push the matter, go at her pace.
    Sandra
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    I always used to rib you about your legs can't anymore. R.I.P Sexy Legs

    R.I.P Rianna

  14. #14
    Gold Member JenniferR771's Avatar
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    Don't be selfish. You are asking for love and understanding from her--be sure she has your love and understanding--totally. Go slow.

  15. #15
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    Michelle,
    It happens all the time, you just have to wait her time and see if she comes back to you!
    It is very frustrating not knowing the right thing to do, the problem is once you start walking on eggshells you wife will do the same thing. You just have to pick your moment and maybe break the ice with a lighthearted comment and see where it leads .

    It does appear that she will talk about it more in the future after the conversation you had over that weekend, the fact you thanked her with a thoughtful card must have stuck in her mind .

    I can't agree with Krisi's comment being seen in various stages of being dressed, I don't think you wife is ready for that !
    Perhaps you could try wearing stockings or tights under your trousers when moment is right and remind her of the comment she made about the feeling of tickling her legs and suggest you know what she means. If she doesn't want to see you wearing them just apologise and remove them !
    Last edited by Teresa; 02-18-2016 at 02:46 PM.

  16. #16
    The softer side of Sears JoanAz's Avatar
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    My Wife Knows but will not talk about it, even though She washes my Underwear (silky tights) that I underdress every day with,
    At Night to bed I wear cotton Jockey shorts...My hair is my own (Avatar) 13 years with out a hair cut, and I color it Blonde (hides the gray 76 years old) Several times a year WE go to costume parties and I go (Maid or Bunny)
    (((HUGGS ))))
    JoanAz

  17. #17
    New Member Shorebird's Avatar
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    Hi Michelle, I'm in a similar situation having come out to my wife a few weeks ago but unfortunately things are not going so well at the moment so my advice to you would be to take a deep breath and wait until she has had time to digest your news and decide what she is, or is not comfortable with and then take it from there.
    Hope things go well for you.

  18. #18
    Exploring NEPA now Cheryl T's Avatar
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    Keep communicating.
    Talk, talk, talk...it's the best thing you can do. Be honest and open as you have been.

    Good luck....
    I don't wear women's clothes, I wear MY clothes !

  19. #19
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    A little over 2 years ago, my wife found one of my Cosmo's. I'd accidently left it outside whilst reading it at lunchtime. I've been reading and collecting Cosmo since I was 14 and have a huge collection, which I have hidden from my wife for years. I've always felt terrible about this secret so it was a huge relief for it to finally come out. She's actually fine with my Cosmo's and we read them together sometimes. She also likes to read a new one first when a get one. The tricky thing during the first conversation was all her questions. She asked if I was gay (No), asked if I wear women's clothes (yes to lingerie) and she is not happy with this. She can handle me wearing lingerie when she is not around - just not in front of her. I've tried to get her to read some articles on cross-dressing to hopefully get her to better understand why I do this. She is in denial a bit about my cross-dressing, so I have to be careful not to upset her. I've worn a slip in bed a couple of times and she's caught me. The last time she cracked it and made me take it off. So, I'm going slowly so as not to upset her and ruin all my "work" to get her to accept who I am so far. As the saying goes "slowly slowly catch a monkey"! I dearly love my wife and I just need her to accept this is something deep within me I just cannot turn off.

  20. #20
    New Girl to the PNW raeleen's Avatar
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    I would absolutely agree with the folks who have advocated letting her take the lead.

    When I started to embrace this side of me more with my wife, I felt like I was moving slowly, but in reality (and hindsight) I was probably trying to push the bar pretty quickly. I went out three times in that first month, and started dressing a bit at home, and I think it was too much too soon for my wife.

    Since then I've realized that our perception of fast and slow when it comes to my dressing are different, and I've really taken it down a notch and tried to move at a pace which feels reasonable for both of us. Take it slow! This won't go away for you, and being deliberate and thoughtful will pay dividends later. Good luck, girl! Hope it goes well and congrats on coming out to her.

  21. #21
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    I'd be inclined to say to her your discussion had been interrupted at the pool. So, if there are any questions she did not get to ask let her know it is ok to ask. I wouldn't start hanging your dresses in the closet without her telling you it was OK. She may be sitting on pins and needles herself trying to figure out how to re-engage the conversation.

  22. #22
    Junior Member TanyaR's Avatar
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    GG here - It sounds like her initial reaction was a good and a thumbs up on the card!!!

    As others have said, you may feel like this is crawling along at a slow pace, but she may just be playing catch up in her head. As I told my love many times, you have had a lot longer to process the cross dressing and I am trying to catch up. Slow down, give her some time. You can bring it up again, just don't make it a constant focus of all the conversations you try to have with her. With me, I just sometimes need some time NOT talking about it.

    And like Sandra said - do NOT start moving stuff into the closet or your makeup on the bathroom sink. That is a decision the two of you need to make together. And please don't try to get dressed up and "surprise" her. 99.9% of the time this does not end well.

    Just be totally honest with her when she is ready to talk about it and remember to go slow. That pink fog will get you every time.
    Good Luck!
    Tanya
    Just a SO trying to live day by day .

  23. #23
    GG ReineD's Avatar
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    GG here too. I'm with Sandra and TanyaR.

    If you want to bring up the topic again because you want to be more open about the CDing (i.e. moving your clothes from hiding into your bedroom, presumably to eventually wear them around her). Your wife may be thinking that you are happy with the way things are and so she may not bring it up at all. But, do talk to her before changing anything. You might want to think about how to tell her that you already have a stash of clothing.
    Reine

  24. #24
    Silver Member Tina_gm's Avatar
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    I hope you do not take this the wrong way, but from what you had stated, you wore make up and some female clothes, it was kinda already out there to begin with. Maybe not to the extent that you had told her, but I am sure this was not the biggest of shocks to her. Probably just that it went a little deeper or longer than she realized. As for what now? does there really have to be any real change? unless you want one that is, to live more as a woman than a man. But since you already wear make up and some women's clothing, maybe just continue on as has been....
    Chickens should be allowed to cross the road without having their motives questioned

  25. #25
    Trish Trishpdxcd2's Avatar
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    As someone who came out to my wife this year, please take the advice of the gg's here. This is not easy for a woman to process. My wife was initially very supportive and inquisitive. I finally showed her pictures of me on her request. I think the reality set in at some point and she had a difficult time seeing me sexually. We don't talk about it much anymore but thankfully we have been having sex again. I hope we can talk about it more at some point. So I would go very slow and let her approach things at her own speed and don't get too carried away with the pink fog.

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