I'm deeply sorry if this is an odd thing to ask in Male to Female Crossdressing. It seems kind of awkward bringing the subject up when the conversations of the forum are about expressing femininity. Pondering the opposite direction maybe a bit improper.
I have found many of you using female names to further bring to life a female persona. I haven't picked a female name myself as there are so many cool ones to choose from, but it got me thinking about the strange case of my username here - "Andar." Its decidedly masculine and not my real name.
I've only just recently started with this stuff as a result of some soul searching and introspection. Long before this, I felt really awful about not being "manly" enough and set about creating an even more masculine persona to try and compensate or fake it. This was basically late middle school and early high school if you'd like some context. I was pretty much going the opposite direction I needed to go, but lessons were learned.
His name was Andar, of course. It was a slight twist of my real name, Andrew. This persona was to be more ... assertive, confident, and stoic. Of course, those are hard to fake and this persona was kind of a failure. Assertiveness made me feel like a jerk, confidence was not found, and stoicism leads to hard times.
Andar then became something of a personal joke to myself as I tried to snap out of it and laugh it off. Mostly in strategy games like Crusader Kings II. I'll name my monarch "Andar the Conquerer" and joke to my friends with the character in similar ways. It was personally endearing and become the username I use for most things. I absent mindedly used it for signing up here.
That said, he kind of had a bit of a resurgence when I got out of High School and started work at a lumber yard. I believed I needed to keep a manly demeanor at such a stereotypically masculine place.
Eventually I snapped out of this with the crazy revelation that Andar made me feel stupid. A real, "what the hell am I doing" moment. As I resumed back into regular self (a perpetual state of cluelessness) I came to the realization that the guys around me didn't really care so much that I wasn't as masculine as they were, as long as I did not express femininity. Obviously less than ideal, but I at least didn't have to pretend anymore. I just had to subdue. I mean, it's not like a lumber yard is the place to get pretty for anyway, unless you like your clothes covered in sweat and sawdust ... but hey, whatever you're into. And again, I only just now began on this road, so subduing feminine feelings was something of a life story until now.
So, have you felt a perceived need to create a masculine persona in addition perhaps to the feminine one? Is that something you enjoy, or is it like me where I eventually had to just give up?
If not, maybe now you can appreciate the sort of irony that is using the name "Andar" as a name here. Some consolation.