Have A Question?

[Lucey]

As have been stated and posted here by members of the community and myself in different threads. Recently I have come to face the fact and have finally learned to be comfortable with the way I am as a CDer. Over my years there have been countless battles with my ownself of what is right or wrong and especially with the question, "who am I".

So my question for you is... "Have you finally come to face your own "self" and can you be truthful with your answer to "yourself" with the simple fact that you are a CDer and this is not going to change?"

I would really like to hear your thoughts and comments, whether they are good or bad. Thanks.

Again over time I found that, I have pretty much wasted years off from my life, facing these self imposed "Demons". Might as well say, I chained them to my own leg and dragged them around over the years, even though I tried hiding them away, in closed closets or boxes of my own making. But every time I looked around, there they were still hanging on my leg, dragging across the floors of time.

And the names of these self made "Demons" that I have battle and fought endlessly over the years.

1. Shame... shame of who I am, which is a CDer and what attracts me to CDing, the shame of the feminine feelings and the sexual desires of such.

2. Guilt... the guilt of who I am, a CDer and the pleasures I gain from CDing, especially the sexually and the inner desires gained from dressing in women's clothing.

3. Fear... fear of showing others, whether it is family or community of who I really am or the fear of being rejected by these same people.

4. Loathing... the self battering and self undermining of who I am and from what I do.

5. Hiding... always seem to be hiding from "yourself" with the fact that I am a CDer. But also the non ending years of hiding this fact from family or community.

6. Lust... that feeling and anticipation of lust for CDing, that is always in the back of mind and comes out in the open while we dressing the part as a CD.

7. Gratitude... the self gratification we seek and try to find while CDing.

I might have missed a few of my own self imposed demons. But again time has shown me finally, this "is really me". And for all the self battles and inner fighting over the years, there is nothing I can do to change it or interfere with this one single and simple fact. I am a "crossdresser".

Would really like to hear what you have to say. And also at this time, want to say that I am sorry for the number of times the word "I" is used here in this post.

Again thank you.

[Tracii G]

Maybe I'm fortunate or blessed in a way that none of those things have ever posed a problem for me.
Guilt for being me? That just sounds crazy to me,you are what you are.
Shame? why?
Loathing I do understand but for me its not because I'm gay or a CD. I don't like who I used to be and all the mean ugliness I have been thru but I was able to lock that part of me away in some recess of my brain and change the person into what I am now.
All this stuff you have to deal with in whatever way you can but some people just can't let go of the past.
I still have things from my past that haunt me but I know those days are gone so they have no power over me.

[trisha kobichenko]

first answer is an unequivocal yes...with the caveat that it took me nearly 60 years to get to that point. As for questions 1 thru 7...sure I have experienced them all, and still experience some, even though I have come out to my SO and am sitting in my living room with her, watching TV and dressed, and it's uuuhhh, totally comfortable. But that doesn't mean that demons don't rear their ugly heads from time to time. That's when I remind myself that I am the one who decides how I feel about who I am, and I can change those feelings when i decide they aren't working for me.
Trish

[kittie60]

Yes,.I've accepted who I am. Took almost 50 years to do it, but I did. Went through everything you spoke of. I am much happier now although the damage to family and friends has been tremendous. Life goes . It's a tough road we travel but to me it was worth it.
Best wishes to you

[StacyCD]

This site helped me realize that my feminine side was not sick and wrong and once I was able to accept it as a part of who I am as a person made a tremendous difference. Also, coming out to my SO in 2006 and her tolerance (at the time DADT) really allowed my to safely express my feminine side. Too bad it has taken so looooooooog to get to this point!

[Stephj]

I went though a lot of the same finally about 10 years I went to. therapist and also found this forum after the therapy I finally came to accept this is who I am now almost 52 I can say I am happy being Stephj

[pamela7]

Hi Lucey,
My answer is a resounding yes, it is here to stay. More than that, these are my clothes, and I don't even see it as cd anymore. It's no exclusive to CD though, the midlife crisis really ought to address the "who am I, why and I here, what's the meaning of life?, it's time to really be myself while there still is time"

The fundamental problem in society can be placed at the door of males having their femme side dissociated. From this perspective, we are the world's superheroes and can lead the way to a better world.

[Karen RHT]

We can look back in regret, or we can look forward in anticipation of better things to come. Personally, I choose to look forward knowing I can't change what's past. I also won't deny that I am a crossdresser, but being a crossdresser doesn't define who I am. I exorcised the "demons" that were listed years ago, and now accept both the challenges and the rewards that crossdressing brings to my life.


Karen

[Teresa]

Lucey,
I have to agree with your descriptive list, most of it stems from the way others expect men to behave, you describe it as being shackled to demons, I felt I was trapped in solitary confinement !
I know now that I most of my problem was an inner conflict between my male and female side, after so many years I've finally reached a balance through gender counselling and some very useful advice from members of the forum. I needed to know what made me tick so I could come to terms with it, understanding it myself has enabled me to explain it to my wife and family . I do regret it has taken so long, but have to accept it as a gradual evolution of my female side, I now feel comfortable with where I am on the gender spectrum.

[Judy-Somthing]

When I was a teenager I dressed quite often.
Sometimes with two or three other friends we all dress up full makeup and the neighborhood girls thought it was fun.
As I got older and started dating. I found none of my girl friends like it. I was slowly pushed into the closet.
No regrets,
I do hate the chance I take getting caught buying dresses or something fem by someone who knows me from work or something.

[Alice Torn]

I have come to accept that i have had this proclivity for almost all my life, but i have had to realize i also have been a depressive, bi polar, was tortured and tormented as a kid mentally and emotionally, by family, and bullied at school, and by older twin brothers. Later, was converted into the church, but the church condemns crossdressing and LGBT, so religion brings an added guilt and shaming. I moved far away from my toxic family of origin, in 1981, but was forced to do what i always feared. To have to move back, 2000 miles, to care for my dad who never wanted me.. Then, one of my control freak, mean brothers got released from prison, and moved back here, another worst nightmare! Then, my toxic man hating sister moved here, to help, and has a severe speech impediment, and goes into a fit, when i can't tell what she is saying. By this time, all my savings were used up, and i am stuck here. Family is hell for me. I never got a chance to have a SO, only toxic family of origin, and no end in sight. I cannot reveal that i am a crossdresser to them!! No way. I know i have let CD and all the shame ruin my life, and i have little confidence with other people, or in finding a job. I am weird in a number of ways. Being tormented, being a virgin, being a part time transvestite,which is considered ladyboy, deviant. But, i have made a little progress, in accepting. Am working to accept my family of origin. I didi not choose my parents or siblings. Forgiving them and forgiving myself, working to live at peace with them. Telling God i have this thing I like to do, and i don't always dress, because i don't always feel like it, and it takes lots of work. I have never done a total purge. I know that after i am in a nursing home, or dead, i will not have this anymore.

[Lucey]

Have to say that I'm taken back a little, in a "good sense" with the very candid and open responses so far to the thread and question. And would like to say thank you for the honesty written in your reply's and comments.

Over the years I did carry a fairly large bag of personal demons around with myself. And now with a new understanding of myself and some added in hindsight, I see that this self imposed inner fighting was a total waste of time and amounted to nothing, but a self whipping.

As I have stated, in recent years I have come to understand that these demons were just self made for the most part. And once I did face the simple fact that I am a crossdresser, it was easy to over come these personal demons and have now started to really enjoy the very fact that I am a CDer.

At this time period I can now see that nothing can change this and more importantly, there is no cause of why I would want to change the fact that I am a CDer.

One more important personal item for me is, for once in my life I have found that I can talk about CDing openly and with complete honesty and candor. Over all of these years I never would have thought that such a place or site could exist. The more I read the threads and posts written here by you community members, the more I find out a little more about myself.

Again thank you for all of your thoughts and comments and also for a great forum and new second home. Thanks

[Tina_gm]

Self acceptance is a work in progress for me, and probably always will be. Whether I have come farther than I need to go, I don't know. I see that there are a lot more layers to it than I thought there would be. I am fairly new to all this despite being 51. I only began my self acceptance a little over 3 years ago. Life is better in many ways now, but it has gotten considerably more complicated too.

[Sharon B.]

I'm with Judy-Something on buying clothes, makeup or anything to do with being a woman. This is a side of me and I enjoy doing it, some play golf, some go to a bar and drink, some hike or ride a bike. I like dressing as a woman and I want to get out of the closet, the door has creaked open a time or two. I have left here dressed as a woman and gone out for a drive or to a post office after hours to snail mail something.

[carhill2mn]

Yes, I have accepted that I am a CD and always will be. Like many others here, that acceptance did not come easily or quickly. At one time or another I experienced the "demons" that you listed. These demons were frequently assigned to me by others and I would accept them for a while. Over time, I was able to believe that I was a good
person and that I would always be a CD.

[flatlander_48]

L:

While I view myself as between the Crossdressing end of the spectrum and the Transsexual end, I can see similarities.

1. Shame... Minimal

2. Guilt... Minimal

3. Fear... Yes, both in terms of family and co-workers as I lived (up until a few weeks ago) in a small town dominated by my former employer.

4. Loathing... No, I don't think that ever happened.

5. Hiding... I don't think that has ever happened either. I didn't hide it from myself, but I will certainly admit to not understanding what was going on.

6. Lust... There is always the sense that dressing today heightens the notion of wanting to dress again the next day. For me, this feeling decreases for a few days but eventually begins to increase.

7. Gratitude... I feel glad that I understand enough that I don't feel like I'm being tossed about by random events. It is very disconcerting when you don't have the vocabulary to describe how you feel and what's going on. Truly, knowledge is power and I'm very grateful for that.

DeeAnn

[mechamoose]

You don't list any positive things, like self encouragement, belief in yourself, acceptance for who YOU are.

YOU matter. You don't need any of us to make that true.

You are not sick, you are just a 'shadow walker'. You are bright and honest and deserving of your own space. It hacks me off like nothing else that we have members who are afraid of being themselves. We deserve this, dammit. we are not failures. We are in a chrysalis. We are not who we used to be or are were before. We are who we are NOW.

We have the right to be ourselves. Sure, that may break things, and it likely will. But F, who are YOU?

I'm too alone out here. I need to see you folks out there with me. It is manageable, really. I'm over 50, and my world hasn't collapsed around me yet.

[Lucey]

mechamoose... You don't list any positive things, like self encouragement, belief in yourself, acceptance for who YOU are.

Sorry, that I disagree with your statement. As I stated in my last post... As I have stated, in recent years I have come to understand that these demons were just self made for the most part. And once I did face the simple fact that I am a crossdresser, it was easy to over come these personal demons and have now started to really enjoy the very fact that I am a CDer.

Today I am very much accepting and comfortable with the fact that I am a crossdresser, which to me is a positive statement. I do not see your total negativity of my post, simply because learning from a mistake is a positive step forward in life.

mechamoose... It hacks me off like nothing else that we have members who are afraid of being themselves. But **** who are YOU? edited by Lucey

To answer your question, "I am myself" and I do not cowering from any person especially someone who thinks that cursing is a needed way to post a thought or a way of making a comment.

mechamoose... my world hasn't collapsed around me yet.

At 60 plus years on this small planet of ours, my world has not collapsed in any way or fashion, matter of fact it has been getting better with age.

Thanks for your comments and thoughts.

[mechamoose]

Then GOOD. I'm sorry for mis-interpreting you.

I believe in an old Japaense adage, if you have raised your voice, you have lost the argument.

We may be more kindred than you think. We have members here who worry about *dressing*. Good for you and I that we don't fear that anymore.

Not all of us are that lucky or open.

[Lucey]

mechamoose... We may be more kindred than you think. We have members here who worry about *dressing*. Good for you and I that we don't fear that anymore.

I do not speak for "any community member" or "imply that I represent any other community member" here on this forum. Also any of my posts are of "my own thoughts and comments" and "they do not represent the forum community or any member."

mechamoose... Good for you and I that we don't fear that anymore.

I have not in any way offered "some type of protection" to any member here on this forum or "to this forum community" in any matter or have stated that I have not "offered such services."

mechamoose... We may be more kindred than you think.

I "have not or are in anyway" in a kindred connection "with you or of what you are trying to imply" with this statement. Or do I "serve anything that has to do with with such a connection or it's implications." All statements posted "by me" in this thread, are of my "own thoughts and comments." "They are not by or from other persons or of their thoughts or comments."

Lucey



I ask the moderators of this forum to please close this thread, as it is not what I represent or in anyway the reason why I started this thread.

Would and need to say at this time, that I am ashamed of what this post has come too and I do not want to be seen as community member that would condone such a message that I represent this community as a voice or for the membership of this forum by any other means.

Please accept my sincere apologies to all in this matter.

Lucey

[mechamoose]

With all respect, you threw this out here. If you didn't really want our opinions, then why did you post it?

You just expected happy-fun responses?

I'm the kind of person who will challenge your ideas, and if they shake out, then I will respect the hell out of that.

I'm not (trying) to be a jerk. I just want this community to succeed.

Yes, it is a community. We are not just isolated souls. I don't speak for anyone but myself, I only hope my experiences can help someone else. As it says in my profile, I might be a bit of a loudmouth.

I'm not looking for a fight, I am looking for intelligent debate. Bring yours and I will bring mine. Logic conquers all, emotion is just chaff.

- MM

[Teresa]

Lucey,
Postings do sometimes get sidetracked, if you don't like it just ask members to bring it back on track ! Otherwise go with the flow and see where it goes, it can be amusing at times !

[Lucey]

Teresa... Postings do sometimes get sidetracked, if you don't like it just ask members to bring it back on track ! Otherwise go with the flow and see where it goes, it can be amusing at times !

Yes, posting do get side tracked and some of the time it can be amusing. But I will not go with the flow when a person trolls or spams a thread just to get some self enjoyment out of the their intentional actions or statements.

Juvenile and childish minded attacks against community members with profanity laced post are not enjoyable or amusing to me.

Also this same person think they can make imaginary claims of being mystically joined with another person. Or this same troll or spammer having some type of power to represent or being the single voice for a community is a delusional in the very sense. BTW, I have not seen the poll where they were nominated into this position to make such a claim. LoL

Also when things are not going in the troll or spammer direction. They then start making other claims and in this case of being in a imaginary conflict or fight with another community member. Unrealistic and wishful thinking by all means by the same troll or spammer. I did get a good laugh out of this thinking!

One last item before I end with my own thoughts and comments, this same troll or spammer, which ever suits the troll or spammers daily wishes to be called for the day. Really think that they are in someway having an "intelligent debate". Wow, with this level of self importance, they really need to cut back on what ever they are smoking!


*Again, could a moderator of the forum here, please lock this thread.*

Thank you and sorry for the trouble.

[Katey888]

So my question for you is... "Have you finally come to face your own "self" and can you be truthful with your answer to "yourself" with the simple fact that you are a CDer and this is not going to change?"

I would really like to hear your thoughts and comments, whether they are good or bad. Thanks.

Lucey - can I help to try to get things back on track...?

You asked a good, open question and made some good points about how you feel - some of us may recognise and affiliate with some of those, but it's likely different for all of us. Like Gendermutt, self-acceptance is a WIP for me. It waxes and wanes over time - as does the whole feeling of what I need to do to satisfy this aspect of me. I think it's the hardest thing I've ever had to face about myself regarding 'truthfulness' and I continually question what the truth might be about why and what and if...

I doubt that the feelings will ever completely leave me but I do suspect that for me, they may well pass into remission again, as they have for long years in the past (last dressed mid November - opportunities but no desire since... ) So while I may accept who and what I am and need to an increasing degree, I'll probably always ponder on it - I don't think "it is what it is" will always be a useful approach for those of us that need to think about it...

Please continue the <reasonable> conversation - many folk read this that won't comment but will be encouraged that they share a perspective with you and others...

Katey x

[mechamoose]

Wow. Troll spammer. I know you are talking about me.

You have 36 posts here. I have almost 2000. I'm far from a troll.

I somehow tripped a switch for you, for which I have apologized in a PM which you did not respond to. I'm a reasonable person, your responses seem to be all fear. "Shut it off!"

I'm not an unreasonable person. You are REALLY going over the edge. 'imaginary' 'unrealistiic'. I lived this, you didn't. This is my LIFE, dammit. You don't get to call me on that.

You need to check yourself before you wreck yourself. I'm an advocate for us 'tweens'. I'm in the front line if comes down to it.

I have no desire or need to attract attention to myself. I get enough of that already. I'm a gender-queer male who has been living with this for almost 30 years. I have had some seriously strange living situations and experiences. I'm a loudmouth, and I know it. Hopefully what I share will help someone.

Please, don't make enemies you don't understand. Sun Tzu would advise against it.

The Mods are not likely to lock this thread (I could be wrong), but seriously. I think you are WAY off the chart on this.

I could be an ally, why do you need to be so visceral? I'm not some alien. I'm a sister. I'm not just spouting nonsense.