Hello! Let me introduce myself! & Noob Topic: Why is coming out important?

[blipy]

Hello! Let me first start off by introducing myself, for this is my first post! My name is Drew I'm 21 and I just joined the community.
I have been cross dressing on/off since I was 13 or so (not counting times when Mom, sister and I would dress up when I was very young) and went though several purges. I felt that I was Heterosexual my whole life until about the age of 17-18 but always had an extremely small doubt lingering in the very back of My thoughts.
The past 2 years have I been meditating which has done WONDERS for coming to terms with this internal ego crises. I learned ALOT about myself within those 2 years.. Now within the last few days I have come to terms with myself that I am indeed homosexual. It feels good to finally accept that about myself. I don't have to feel that impact of guilt on my soul for me lying to myself whenever someone questions my behavior. I have always had feminine facial features and mannerisms to a point where some people assumed I was gay so coming out to my family/friends probably won't be too surprising for them...maybe the part about me looking adorable in my new outfits will be a little harder for them to comprehend.
Now being kinda new to all this and still trying to wrap my head around this, I would very much appreciate any advice, info, experience that you beautiful folk can offer me to the question below. thank you!

My question for all of you is.
Why is coming out (as homosexual/CD) to your Family and Friends an important thing/step/process?

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Hello and welcome Drew.

If you've already integrated crossdressing and homosexuality into your personality, and you feel good, clear about that, then coming out is a logical next step.

It's only a big deal if a) you feel it's a big deal, or b) you anticipate that it will be a big deal for others.

You sound light hearted about it all, and it doesn't sound like you anticipate facing much, if any, negativity, so it seems you have a green light.

Whether you are right about that is where it becomes important: are you mentally prepared that for some others, possibly very close to you, it may be a very big deal indeed.

Only you can decide when to open that door- because once you've opened it, you can never shut it again.

Good luck, and I look forward to hearing how it goes.

Hugs, Nikki

[blipy]

awesome thank you for your input.

[CONSUELO]

Drew, Welcome to the forum. If you search through the many threads posted here you will find a lot of experience and advice that can be helpful.

Telling family and friends about yourself is a very tough thing but it is the only way to be true to yourself. To hide from the World is very stressful. I hid my true self for many years and the stress just led to depression and misery. A huge first step is finding out who you are and admitting that. It took me a long time but even the small step of admitting the full truth to myself was a great relief.

Only you can take the final decision and you do need to think it through carefully. Best wishes and do make use of the group wisdom on this site.

[heatherdress]

Blipy - Welcome. I am glad for you that you have discovered your inner self and that you have accepted the beautiful person you are. Sharing that with others you love and care about, family and friends, is very important. I suggest a therapist would be helpful to help you develop a strategy to communicate your discovery to others. Best of luck in your continued discovery and journey through life. I am happy for you.

[bridget thronton]

Coming out to a life partner may be important if you believe keeping secrets is from your partner is not appropriate. Coming out to any other family or friends may not be important - unless you feel accidental discovery will be devastating to all.

[Sara Jessica]

For being 21 and a newbie here, you really seem to be well grounded. That is really refreshing.

I am of the opinion that you separate sexual preference from CD'ing. Not that you should bury the CD'ing...hear me out.

Your coming to terms with your sexual preference is a milestone in your life. It is part of your identity which happens to be different from society's "default" position. As such, coming out in that regard is generally thought of as being important unless you wish to live life in the confines of a very uncomfortable closet. In other words, I couldn't imagine trying to hide such a thing.

That said, coming out with the CD'ing thing is a little more dicey. I am assuming that CD'ing is something you do rather than an expression of an integral part of your being. Don't get me wrong, I am making this assumption on your words describing yourself. Nowhere in there do you reference gender identity as being part of the equation.

So the question is where does your feminine expression fit into the grand scheme of things? Do you wish to integrate feminine clothing items into your daily wardrobe? Do you intend to keep this behind closed doors? Are you looking to present fully as a female out & about at times? All the time? The degree of these things will tell you how much disclosure of the CD'ing you need to contemplate, if any.

And keep in mind that the partners of those who CD often have a difficult time with it, regardless of their gender. Our female SO's are attracted to men so this rocks their world. From what I have read in these pages, it appears that male SO's have the same issue in that they too are attracted to other guys rather than the visual presentation of a female. That just makes way too much sense.

I wish you the best on your journey of introspection. Stay thoughtful and your path will hopefully become very clear to you.

[Helen_Highwater]

Drew,

Firstly welcome.

Can I ask, do you think that coming out as gay will be a big thing to your family? If they're a generally accepting, tolerant, liberal minded bunch then it probably isn't going to create a backlash. Mothers might think, Oh well no grandchildren for me then but beyond that just take it as being the way it is and be happy for you.

I would hold off making the announcement that you're also a CD'er. Those two bits of info delivered one after the other might cause a bit of news overload. Wearing items of evermore femme clothing as time progresses may just soften the blow and they'll possibly work it out for themselves.

[docrobbysherry]

Coming out is important for 2 reasons. It allows everyone to begin to understand who u r. It also allows u to do the same. Presenting/knowing who u r to others is much healthier than hiding and sneaking around. Which may help make u feel like what u r doing is wrong. And, it's not!

Most of us here r straight. So, we don't know what it's like to come out as gay or bi to others. However, one of the first things folks think when they find out u dress is that u must be gay. So, we have dealt with that issue. I thot I had turned gay when I began dressing late in life!

U r lucky in that when u tell people u dress, they may assume u r gay. And, in your case they will be correct!

[Rachelakld]

Welcome to the family

For me
NOT comming out is like presenting a lie to the ones you love
I want those who I love, to know who I am

Hidding causes lots of stress (lots of closet CD'ers panic if someone "accidently" gets near their stuff)
Your mum wrongly believes you will marry a pretty girl and she will have lots and lots of beautiful grandchildren (not good to do to your mum)

The only reason for hidding is the stigma, which thank to those brave enough to be "out" over the last few decades, has all but vanished

[Pat]

Coming out is only important if it's important to you. If you won't want to, you don't have to. But if you feel that being gay/CD is the truth about yourself, then chances are you'll be happier if you come out because hiding it feels a lot like lying all the time. Now, there are lots of reasons people would rather hide than come out. That's their call. Nobody can make that call for another person.

[flatlander_48]

D:

You've wandered into the right place! I hope your presence here turns out to be a good experience for you.

Coming out is an interesting process. At once it can bring about extraordinary highs and devastating lows; all with a degree of unpredictability about it. And, to build on what Nld said, it is a one-way process. You cannot unring the bell.

Coming out requires that you be thoughtful about what you say, when you say it and to whom you say it. In your case, as well as mine, there are 2 parts to this: the gay part (for you, bisexual for me) and the Crossdressing part. The gay part is easier in that most have some bit of understanding of the existence of gay people. On the other hand, Crossdressing is largely a mystery. Once you get past the "this is what I do and who I am" stage, a lot more explanation may be required if people become inquisitive. If you are having that kind of discussion, certainly you can make it up as you go, but some forethought about what you would say would be helpful in order to make the message clearer.

At 21, I don't know if you are employed or are a student or ?? As far as the workplace is concerned, there is a concept called "Bring your whole self to work.". For the LGBT people who are not out in the workplace, it is necessary to maintain a facade around ones personal life. It involves watching what you say, using the correct pronouns, figuring out what to do in social situations where a Significant Other might be expected to appear, fending off people who want to arrange dates for you with their unmarried daughter/sister/cousin etc. and the "Why aren't you married yet?" questions. It takes effort to not get tripped up by all of these complications that must remain in place in order to keep up the facade. So, if you could remove all of that B/S, you probably could put most of that energy into your work and your life.

At the time when I was working through how sexuality sat for me, I was not dressing. That came several years after I believed myself to be gay and ultimately figured out that I was bisexual. At that point, the number of people who knew about me numbered in the single digits.

Coming out as a Crossdresser (and more specifically as Transgender, but not transitioning) was a very different process. In the space of a month last year, I came out to 200+ people including my daughter and son, about 8 close friends and my then department manager. Of that 200+, DeeAnn actually appeared dressed before ~130 and the rest later were presented with a photo and an explanation. This is chronicled here: http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...The-Back-Story

Anyway, when you come out, you get to decide how your message is told. So, think about it and do whatever it is that you need to do.

DeeAnn

[mechamoose]

Hi there Drew!

"Self-service", not the drive-through kind, but serving yourself. I think you have a handle on that already.

Goddess, I remember 21. What a magical time!

If you ever need a queer, pan, cross, old girl like myself, PM me. I'd LOVE to give my input to a young whippersnapper like you }:>

I can't PM you yet, you don't have enough posts (I tried)

This is a great place, the mods are protective and the members are awesome.


<3

Kitty / Moose

[ReineD]

Hi Drew!

You don't want to hide your sexual preference because it will be difficult to keep a partner in the closet when you do get in a serious relationship.

The CDing? This depends. If you plan on living as a woman 24/7, then obviously it will be impossible to hide. But if you only enjoy the CDing once in awhile, you would need to tell a romantic partner (for the sake of relationship honesty), but you can choose who among your friends and family you will tell or not tell, presumably based on whether you think these people are open-minded. You'll want to tell the friends you plan on hanging out with dressed. You'll want to tell family members if they are around as you come and go dressed.

[mechamoose]

In response to ReineD's intention (I think)

Sexual preference and gender identity are very separate things. I can see where they get conflated.

I like *people*, I try not to hold their presentation against them.

I have had very butch females in my life, I have also had very effeminate men in my life. Regardless of chromosomes, they were still interesting people.

I have this group of XYs I have been getting together with for 30 years. I have shown up in a lace skirt, and nobody said a word to me.

You can't hide YOU while being YOU.

Trust in yourself. Be true to yourself. Don't be sorry for it.

Kitty / Moose

[blipy]

Wow! Thank you all for such a warm welcome and all your advice! This discussion was very grounding for me. again thank you!

[flatlander_48]

D:

Forward!!

DeeAnn

[Vickie_CDTV]

When I was your age I told my parents I was a TV primarily as a preemptive measure because I was living with them at the time, and neither have any concept of personal boundaries or personal space. I figured they would go through my things and discover my clothes etc., and that they might have suspected anyway.

After telling they, of course, had no idea. Whoops.

I am straight but never told them about my relationship at the time, which was unusual to say the least. I only later told my mother for practical reasons, as I was facing surgery and wanted to give her instructions just in case something happened. I never, ever talked to my father about relationships etc. (He had a hard time believing I was a straight man who dressed anyway, and made some vulgar remarks about his perception of my sexuality.)

[mechamoose]

I'm thinking back to your original question.. "why is important to come out?"

As a queer person, you have asked yourself this question before. Most of us are not queer here, but I am. How is it different? What is so different between coming out as gay and being cross-gendered?

Personally, I don't think there is much of a difference. Similar risks, similar rewards, We just want to be ourselves, right?

PM me if you want, I'd really like that

Kitty / Moose

[carrie001]

Hello and welcome to the community!

Once I decided to stop feeling bad about myself and realize that being gender fluid or gender queer or TG, whatever you want to call it, I wanted to tell everyone I knew. I think it's because I spend SO much time hiding that now I just want to be proud and tell those close to me what I am. I've come out to my wife and a few friends and because of a positive response , I feel like I want to scream from the roof tops "THIS IS WHO I AM AND I LOVE IT!!" There's also a LOT of emotional pain with hiding for as long as some of us have.

To answer your question, imo, we want those closest to us accept us for who we REALLY are, and not the persona we've shown them.

Best of luck!!

[flatlander_48]

What is so different between coming out as gay and being cross-gendered?

I think it is different. Most people, however homophobic they are, do know that there are some people who have same sex attractions. In the minds of many, they don't get past some warped version of sex, but they recognize the existence. They don't understand all of the subtleties involved, such as physical attraction, emotional attachment, political alignment, etc. as they can't get past the sex thing. But, they do recognize the existence. And, there are plenty of examples of very masculine gay men, so they can't just fixate on the hairdresser thing.

However, to many people, crossdressing is very confusing. It brings up images of drag queens and also transwoman, such as Janet Mock, Laverne Cox, Lana Wachowski and Caitlyn Jenner. It tends to leave people without any real understanding. In short, they don't know what to recognize.

DeeAnn

[Saikotsu]

I can't speak for others as to why it's important to come out, but for me, I want people to accept me for who I really am, not just who they think I am. Plus, I respect and trust the people in my life enough that I want them to know the parts of me I keep hidden. I guess knowing the truth about me is a sign of respect and trust.

Also, welcome to the forum!

[Tina_gm]

I think the importance level varies from one person to the next. It depends on how much you feel the desire for people to know you as identifying as female, or presenting as one perhaps. If CDing for you is just a little fun now and then, and you mostly or fully identify as male, regardless of your sexual orientation, there isn't much of a real need to come out to a lot of people. If you really just don't care what other people think, and at your age, more likely than someone who is 20 or more years older and has a more established life, then coming out for you as TG only helps you as you can present any way you feel you wish to without anyone thinking much of it. It is an expectation or at least a total lack of surprise to anyone who knows you. So they will see you presenting as female and they will simply think of it as a part of you as they know you as such. It is a bit of a different story for many of us who have been in the closet for decades. Not that it hasn't been done or can't be done, but it is a much harder hill to climb to get people who have known us for many many years to be comfortable with us or around us after coming out.