The company we keep.

[Sarah Doepner]

It's often said we are judged by the company we keep and it's normal that we cultivate friends with similar interests. I've been somewhat active and out meeting other crossdressers for nearly 20 years now and it seems that those I've grown closest to and have the stronger friendships with are those who are either transitioning or out nearly full time. I'm starting to wonder if my own interests and future are being mirrored in the foundation of friends I've cultivated over the years.

Last year I spent quite a bit of time in counseling coming to terms with a variety of issues, one of them being if I wanted to pursue transition myself. I decided I wasn't on that path, but the question is never far away. Now it's back and I'm wondering if I've been creating a support group to make it easier to make the decision or it's just I find their confidence and willingness to move forward a great trait to have in a friend.

Anyone want to do some curbside counseling on this one?

[Teresa]

Sarah,
I've been going out to a social group now for eighteen months , the group is mostly CDers with some in partial or total transition . To talk to them does give an interesting insight into the highs and lows, it is a complex subject and something you don't enter overnight. I have to admire their conviction but the outcome they expected is far from the reality, in most cases. Sadly I have to meet one yet who is totally happy with their decision .

I hope some TS members here express their views, I'm sure there are many who have no regrets after the dust has settled and the scars healed .

[AngelaYVR]

Is it a possibility that you identify with them most simply because of how long you have been doing this and the type of dresser you are? As an example, I find I have nothing really in common with the very casual crowd yet I am nowhere near full-time, I get out 8-10 times a month. Transitioners actually drive me a bit batty, I have not been fortunate enough to meet any that are secure enough with what they are doing to just be happy with it so they end up being very critical of others (apparently I'm too feminine).

Transitioning at any stage is difficult but doing it when you're older seems more trouble than it's worth. Have you considered living dressed full time, get some electrolysis, etc without going for the full English if you really want to sample what's in store? This is a conversation that I've had many times with my close CD friend, we both tend to agree that the pay-off of transitioning is too low as you get older.

[Sallee]

I am interested to see more comments here.
I get out 3 or 4 times a year. I wouldn't mind more and some years I do, but I have very few friends that CD, ok really none. Some FB friends and some I see every time I get out and I consider them friends. Now I am not really out, I like to say I am in the closet but the door is open, if I get asked I don't lie if someone finds out so be it and I don't have much of a problem getting out and about, time just doesn't permit it.
IN the past I have known a lot of CDers and transitioners socially from groups. I think I can say I have maybe only met 1 or 2 transitioiners who seemed to be well adjusted but in their defense most were in the middle of transitioning, a tough road for any one. I did know several of the CDers in both modes and most seemed relatively well adjusted and CDing was just a part of their make up.
I am interested to see how the rest of the community responds to the thread

[rachael.davis]

What do you need to be happy? You're the only one who can answer that

[Lana Mae]

To transition or not to transition, that is the question! This is a very personal decision that one must make. One must be totally aware of the positives and negatives and make the decision that is right for them! Unless I have a genital loss from whatever, I do not see me getting surgery. Nice breasts would be wonderful but hormones have other side effects, I do not know-not yet! Be sure you have all the info you need to make those decisions before you decide! Best wishes on your decision! Hugs Lana Mae

[Amelie]

When I use to go out most of my friends were street people or sex workers, OK, I guess it's kinda true.

I think you have the answer but you are seeking a question that fits your answer. You have the answer now you look for reasons for that answer and one question is what you said about the company you keep. If you look at other aspects of your life you'll probably find they too will relate to your answer.

It's sort of like when a trans girl sees a shrink. The girl already knows the answer, the questions from the shrink point to the same answer. All questions lead to the same answer.

[Rogina B]

It's sort of like when a trans girl sees a shrink. The girl already knows the answer, the questions from the shrink point to the same answer. All questions lead to the same answer.

Many times,the one that gains the most is Dr Costalot...

[Teresa]

Amelia,
Sad fact about the difference in our systems, we may wait longer but our NHS service will see us through the process , it may not be plain sailing but transition whether you pay or not is a difficult road .
I'm afraid we need them to rubber stamp the process.

[AllieSF]

Sarah,

I also like to reword that phrase to something similar to, "Great minds and interests flock together." My friends (only have a few true friends) and close acquaintances are that because of their personality and not how they present themselves. Yes, most of the current ones are somewhere along the trans spectrum of labels and non-labels because most of my attention and desires since I started all this just before I joined this site have been focussed on meeting like people to go out with. Those that were similar enough to me in viewpoints and interests are still around and probably will continue to be for the longer term. But, each one of them have some similar things to me, professional work career, interest in certain sports, art, theater, income level to go to the places that I enjoy going to, etc. I have non-transitioning CD friends and transitioning or transitioned friends, plus several close acquaintances who have nothing to do with trans but who I have met because of this new me.

Maybe your case is somewhat similar to mine. Yes, I may be influenced by what my transitioning friends have done or are doing, but in the end, I make my own decisions as I would guess that you do too. Maybe a big difference between you and me is that I have never really suffered from the commonly talked about gender dysphoria. I have always been happy, mostly sure of myself and have accepted me for me from the very beginning, and have let that "me" naturally develop to where I am today. Good luck and enjoy "you"!

[Tracii G]

Although people do get help from a Dr Costalot I think if you actually sat down with a friend you would get the same result.
Dr Costalot has to make payments on the paper on the wall thats the only difference.

[Sarah Doepner]

What do you need to be happy? You're the only one who can answer that

The thing is, most of the time I am happy, or at least not unhappy. Life is interesting but there is something of an itch I'm attempting to scratch, I just haven't identified exactly where it is.

. . . I think you have the answer but you are seeking a question that fits your answer. . . .

I'm not sure I have "THE" answer, but it's obvious I have "AN" answer. It's like science and I'm attempting to discover under what conditions this particular answer fails to work. There are other answers out there still in the mix, but this is the one I'm working with for the time being and I've not exhausted the conditons yet. There are two options here, continue testing in theory until I find my limiting factors or blaze forward and see how it works in reality. Not quite to addressing that junction just yet, but it's probably closer than I expect.

. . . Maybe your case is somewhat similar to mine. Yes, I may be influenced by what my transitioning friends have done or are doing, but in the end, I make my own decisions as I would guess that you do too. Maybe a big difference between you and me is that I have never really suffered from the commonly talked about gender dysphoria. . .

I've read the heart-wrenching stories of those who had to transition because of the pain of life in the wrong body or the revulsion they felt as their assigned gender. I'm not there. It's not a daily struggle to fight and face the world as Dave rather than Sarah. But the curious thing is how comfortable I get as Sarah and how it feels more, let's say "Honest" when I get in that part of my world. My dysphoria is less about the body than it is a discomfort I recognize as living less truthfully. There are less permanent, non-medical solutions that might be able to resolve that problem.

I'm not sure those conditions warrant further steps in the the direction I'm pointing. It's nice to get other opinions and experiences as we move through challenges. I appreciate everyone's comments. Since the majority of those who will see this thread are not in transition, you are providing peer support that I'm not getting from my friends who have taken the next step.

[kimdl93]

I have friends who are nothing like me and I have friends that have very similar interests and view. You can only be judged for keeping bad company....but the good company may assume many different and contradictory forms.

It seems to me that your question is round about way to ask yourself if transition is in the cards sometime in the near or more distant future. Something you've been doing in counseling for a year.

The only thing I can offer from this curbside is that transition can be taken in comfortable steps or enormous leaps. Some might say all or none, but I'd be more inclined to believe that every step towards full time presentation is a step towards transition, and any permanent modifications can be options. Heck, living and presenting as a woman part time is a transition of sorts from 1:99. A long time friend tells me that she has been living in a half and half presentation, with half and half being as masculine as she cares to be anymore, but may only be a way point to going full time.

Maybe the key isn't to decide if or if not or when...but simply to decide how much works today. Let tomorrow take care of itself.

[sometimes_miss]

we both tend to agree that the pay-off of transitioning is too low as you get older.

It really depends on how much the gender dysphoria preoccupies your thoughts during the day. When it interferes with normal activities, or makes you very depressed, then it might help to transition.

I went to a support group a few times, over 20 years ago. Other than all being crossdressers (some were ts, some gay, some neither), I didn't have much in common with the others there. Being a crossdresser isn't all that I am, it's not even the main thing that I am. When I want to socialize, crossdressing isn't a topic I want to discuss with people; I don't like to discuss all the intracasies of female clothes, don't want to discuss transitioning, don't want to discuss being a social warrior to 'further the cause', and don't want to discuss why I don't want to be 'out'. I realize that to the rest of the world, should they discover that I'm a crossdresser, that is what they will think of first whenever they think of me, and that's something I am trying to avoid.

[Pat]

To me it's like one of those cliched stories where the kid asks, "Mom/Dad how will I know when I've met The One?" and they just answer, "When it happens, you'll know." When it's time to transition, you'll know. You may be showing some attraction to the idea by focusing on your friends who have done it (though you probably also have friends you're not counting who haven't) maybe you're trying to memorize the road map they followed before you set out. Or maybe not. I'd say don't obsess about it -- the one thing I know is correct is that you don't have any duty or obligation to transition. Transition happens because you need it. You'll know when that's the case.