Google.Should I tell?

[Secret Drawer]

Well, I do take huge offense to being called "selfish." Crossdressing, being transgendered, all of this part of life, I did not choose. I live it, it is psychologically important and necessary for me to express a feminine side, it is what it is. This, in itself, certainly not "selfish," any more than say preferring to drink coffee over tea.
Many CD's and TG's really and truly believe that marriage will "cure" them. Once I am married, I will no longer feel the need to express myself in these ways...
Many CD's figure it is simply not important enough to reveal, its just a hobby, not hurting anyone, no big deal... why tell something unnecessary to tell?
Many CD's simply get caught up in the "when." It is about fear, about how to go about it. These are powerful and deeply felt emotional thoughts. It is "hard" to admit or share something that often has been a deep buried secret for most of ones life.
None of the above things seem peculiarly selfish...
If you somehow have overridden all of the above, Know exactly what to say, when to say it, how to say it, and know in your heart that marriage will not "cure" you, and...
really believe that crossdressing, even being transgendered, IS something so life altering that it will effect every aspect of the rest of your life and that of your family, then by all means come clean directly.
But if there is some nagging doubt about how serious, how awful, how completely game changing for all involved having a feminine side to express is, then the question remains open whether to tell anyone or not. Selfish? I don't think so...

[mykell]

so only one here remotely qualified for relationship counseling is possibly the OP

as for the premise of being open in the beginning....if i had to do it all again would i do it differently, yeaa,
but like i always tell the boy their is no reset button for life.

are their things i regret ive done again yeaa, and not all of them concern crossdressing (still have spellcheck for this word) weird right, but transgender is recognized....???

anyway,

i have to live with the consequences of my regrets and dont need judgement from the outside, have had a pretty good handle on doing it for myself thanks.

for those without regrets you may now get back to your previously scheduled perfect world, sorry for the interruption.....please recycle your rose colored glasses in the receptacle bins provided upon your exit of the theater....


my search also turned up "cheating" , then i added crossdressing and got mixed results, large section for our site....

[MelanieAnne]

They don't like sex? I would think you would figure that out early in the relationship.

Not necessarily! Single women don't seem to get "headaches" nearly as often as wives!

And my clothes...the clothes I wear to excite him...it wasn't me that excited him, it was my panties.

My wife never dressed to excite me. And any lingerie I bought her got buried in the bottom of her lingerie drawer, never to be seen again.

Me: What happened to that black teddie I got you for Christmas?
Her: I've got it!
Me: How come you never wear it?
Her: Why does it always have to be a big deal? Can't we just get in bed and "do it"!

[Sonya]

Not telling before marriage is selfish. I have said it before. YOU ARE SELFISH

I think yelling out personal attacks on people is not helpful and may cause a lot of anxiety to some who may already be not in a good state of mind. I think telling before marriage is the best thing to do, especially in this day of age where we have so much information. I am as you call one of the SELFISH ones who caused lots of hurt to my ex wife, I have to live with that for the rest of my life. All I can tell you is that it was never my intention to hurt someone I loved and I didn't get married just that I can have regular sex.

[heatherdress]

Not telling before marriage is selfish. I have said it before. YOU ARE SELFISH. You don't care about the SOs feelings or believe she mature enough(smart enough?) to make up her own mind. Meh, it's like buying a car, you don't need to know the accident happened. After all the frame is almost straight. Those of you who are married and have been, I wish you all the luck in the world because the longer you are with someone the deeper the cut when you feel betrayed.
It takes a long time to built trust and seconds to destroy it and a lifetime to start rebuilding it

Lorileah - You continue to offer the same, absolute, one-size-fits-all, guilt trip which is rather judgmental. Many honestly do not know or recognize they are, in fact, crossdressers when they begin relationships when young. Many don't know their youthful crossdressing experiences will continue, or that a simple fetish is much more powerful than they realize. Some think regular marital sex will eliminate the excitement provided by randomly wearing panties alone in a dorm room. Some get married very young, and have never had the freedom to confirm that they are crossdressers because they are in school or the military. And there are other circumstances where religious beliefs, customs, economics, communications skills, lack of self-confidence, living arrangements or medical conditions provide serious influences which limit the ability to openly confide secrets, specifically a crossdressing history or interest, to a prospective spouse. It is not always selfishness as you assert. It is often ignorance, or naivety, or innocence or weakness which prevents disclosure, not simply selfishness.

And once the secret begins, it is often difficult and painful to admit to your partner that you crossdress. It is not simple if your spouse or partner has strong religious beliefs, or deep anxieties, or some degree of mental illness. I did not crossdress during my first marriage but if I did, I would not have been able to tell my ex-wife because of her extreme views and beliefs, her lack of understanding and empathy, and her own abrasive personality. Disclosure would have had immediate catastrophic and painful results. It would have been better to risk discovery than tell my ex-wife if I wanted to crossdress, or that I did crossdress.

I am not trying to stick up for those who knew they were crossdressers and should have told their prospective partners early in their relationships, or for those who hide their crossdressing and know they have caring spouses whom they should disclose their secret behavior to. I am not suggesting that openness and honesty are not the basis of sound and loving relationships. Or that we should not disclose and share important personal beliefs, feelings and behaviors with our spouses and partners. But people are not like cars and it is difficult to recognize previous accidents in life if one is not an experienced mechanic. It is not simply selfishness which prevents important disclosures to loved ones. I am much more sympathetic to those of us who do care about their spouses and families and who believe it is in the best interests of their loved ones not to tell them, and who crossdress alone in secrecy.