Is Crossdressing "OK"?

[Krisi]

Is crossdressing "OK"? I believe it is unless it interferes with ones life or relationships. I know society in general disapproves of it, but I'm talking about our own feelings, not someone else's.

But, if crossdressing is OK, why are so many members here going to therapists or "counselors"? If you are one of these people, why are you going? Do you feel guilty about your dressing? Do you feel you are sick and need to be cured? Are you going because a loved one insisted that you go? Or do you just want someone to talk to?

Without getting too personal, what do you and your therapist talk about? Is there an end in sight or is this ongoing?

[Chelsea B]

My only trips to my therapist connected with CD'ing were when I told my wife, and it was for her. I've seen this therapist for years about other aspects of me. Since I have come back to this later in life, I am totally comfortable with it and had no trouble with the reveal to the therapist.
Having said that, she was immensely helpful in putting it in perspective for my wife, for which I am extremely grateful.
She emphasized that there is no pathology, but gave me a lot of insight into what my wife's concerns and fears were going to be, and agreeing that 'containment' would be a prudent strategy.
Since then, I have heard many of the same messages on this forum from those who have the same experience.

[Mayo]

Is crossdressing "OK"? I believe it is unless it interferes with ones life or relationships.

Agreed, and I think this is an important distinction between having and not having a problem with anything in one's life.

[rebecca_ns]

I go to therapy because of the walls. The walls I have constructed around myself to hide my crossdressing. Walls that have helped forge friendships, but also keep others at a distance. I need to learn to tear down those walls, but not tear down the relationships that have been built along with those walls.

[reb.femme]

Both me and my wife aren't therapy types, in all honesty. We settle all problems ourselves, personal or relationship.

I can only conceive of using a therapist/counsellor for drug, drink or gambling type addictions. Support through these events I can see, but can't envisage a problem that we can't resolve ourselves, including my CD'ing. And we've handled a few.

Becky

[2B Natasha]

Huh.

What an interesting and tone deaf question.

Why would one go to a therapist?! Really.

Society pressure
Religious pressure and condemnation.
Guilt of spending money that could go to something else
Guilt of not spending money or not having money to spend
Desire to dress up when there are family obligations.
Detracting mental thoughts that take mind space away from your family or job
Pressure from friends and family
Kids
Parents
Political beliefs

[PaulaQ]

The reason people who are gender variant often need counseling or therapy isn't because there is something wrong with them. There isn't anything wrong with being gender variant. The problem isn't actually with the person in therapy. It isn't.

So why go to therapy?

For the same reason people who've been abused go to therapy. Because they are dealing with bad feelings they have from a world that abuses them. Being told that it isn't ok to be who and what you are, when who and what you are hurts no one else, is profoundly abusive and damaging to a person.

We don't go to therapy because there is something wrong with us. We go to therapy because we are part of a society that is profoundly sick. There is something wrong with THEM!

Therapy just helps us deal with it, and understand, and heal the damage they've done to us.

[CONSUELO]

Kris, you have raised one of those difficult questions again. I do believe that cross dressing is "OK" and essentially it is socially harmless. Nevertheless for a variety of reasons, many people have trouble with it and find it difficult to accept. This means that we cross dressers are not easily accepted in society and for many of us this results in isolation which is difficult and can lead to depression. For those who don't feel this because they are accepted and in a situation where they are completely free to express their cross dressing need, therapy or counseling help is not needed. But for those who have to hide in a closet the isolation can lead to many problems and a therapist can help.

PaulaQ says essentially the same thing and I agree with her.

But lets be very clear about this, CROSS DRESSING IS OK!

[Helen_Highwater]

I suspect Becky and I share the same sort of outlook on life many Brits had; "Keep calm and carry on". I can't think of anyone I've worked with or known who's been to a therapist. People who are Bi-polar or as Becky says suffering with addiction are likely to be referred by the Doctor. Outside that it's not something that seems common in the UK.

Although I've only ever been to three support group meetings I'm a huge fan and advocate of them. If anyone feels they need to talk through their dressing then find a group. You'll be with people who understand and appreciate your predicament. Therapists for the most part, are if we think about it, theorizing about your experienced. Yep I'm sure many have found it beneficial but I'll take a lot of convincing that the same outcome wouldn't have been reached chatting over a drink with folks who know exactly where you've come from. Plus it's a dam sight cheaper!!

[Teresa]

Krisi,
I had two separate sessions of counselling both referred through my GP.

Most of us have problems of varying degrees with our partners acceptance , for them to understand it we have to get it clear in our own minds, basically what drives it.When I came out to my wife it didn't go well and I spiraled down to considering ending my life. the first session of counselling was to asses my state of mind to see if I might still self harm, the answer was not any more. As it was not gender related I then had gender counselling, to finally answer where I was on the TG spectrum, the outcome of that was just on the male side of TS.
I now had some answers and finally knew what made me tick, I wrote all this down in an unbiased way so I could tell my wife exactly what my CDing needs were and if she couldn't accommodate them we did discuss if we might be happier separating. We both became accepting of that possibility but realised the hurt was too much to bare for both of us so we stayed together.
I now have more openness to my CDing and have finally made it out the door to attend social meetings.
Counselling does have a value but is only an aid not a cure, sometimes you do just need to talk to someone to put things in context !

[Alice Torn]

Well said Teresa! I go to a Veterans Administration therapist, for a number of difficult family of origin issues, which are on going, since i had to move back around them, in 2010, and Cding issues, and religious issues. I think support groups also, would be just as helpful. Krisi, A man wearing womens clothes is a pretty heavy issue. Some have an easier time handling being a crossdresser, or transvestite, due to religious upbringing, ans societal rejection, considered gay, or deviant, etc. If you are single, like me, it makes it so much more difficult to have a dating life, or girlfriend, and marriage seems like the impossible dream. Being all alone with this compulsion, is hard, Yes, willpower alone can help, to stop crossdressing. But, like most things an addictive type personality will fall off the wagon, no matter how much will power he has. I have been in AA, and other recovery groups, and will power will not work 100% of the time for an addictive type person. A person who is not an addictive type, can do far better with only willpower. Will power is good, and helps, but human nature tends to fall off the wagon.

[Sonyla]

I get psychiatric help for a few things but crossdressing is not one of them
I had those moments that I looked in the mirror and said to myself: I am totally crazy.
But now I think that I only live ones and just do whatever I want as long as I dont harm anyone.
I think we all have learned that it is wrong to crossdress but that is not true.

What an interesting and tone deaf question.

I am sorry to say it but stupid questions do not exist, stupid awnsers do.

[LilSissyStevie]

My observation over the years here has been that many go to therapists to get their TGness validated. I don't know how many post I've read that went something like "Oooo I just went to my gender therapist and now I'm a certified transgender." Well, of course, they'll tell you what you want to hear because they want your business.

If anyone ever needed therapy of some sort, it was me. I saw my first psychiatrist after I was expelled from school in the 4th grade for violent outbursts. Unfortunately, therapy for me was a means to an end. I went to counseling to satisfy the demands of others - my parents, the schools, the courts. Therapy did me no good except in one case and that was unintentional. When I was a teenager, I went to see a psychologist weekly at the County mental health as a condition of my probation. She was young, but still ten or so years older than me, and super hot and she always wore these tiny little miniskirts as was the fashion at the time. I just spent the time ogling her perfect legs and fantasizing about her. What I got out of it was that it was one hour of my week where I was sober and not suicidal and therefor the two were not necessarily mutually exclusive. See, therapy works!

[lainey]

I think crossdressing can be ok and healthy but I'm not sure for me. My crossdressing is usually mixed up with my secretive compulsive sexual behavior. I'm working through this with a therapist. The therapy has been quite helpful for me.

[Kate Simmons]

Many moons ago when I went to a therapist, I was totally okay with the CDing. I went mainly to try and figure out how to deal with family and friends that were not okay with it. For myself, at least, it depended on how much I cared about those who had a problem with it.

[Jennifer W]

I went to a therapist because I hated myself for dressing the way I do. I found out that as long as I'm not hurting anybody, there's no need to be ashamed. I'm not breaking any laws and I don't let anything interfere with family life. My wife has asked me not to wear anything but guy clothes in front of her so I respect that. She had no problem with me wearing whatever I want in public, but has just recently changed her mind about that. It's something we need to discuss when we have a chance.

[IamWren]

I would hardly call it tone deaf. The answer may be quite obvious but sometimes discussing an issue and talking out loud allows us to drill down even further to what appears as an obvious answer.

I almost didn’t even click on this thread because the answer for me in this question is an emphatic no and can’t imagine how anyone else would think otherwise. I’m glad I did click on it though because seeing the responses helps me grow and not only learn a little more about crossdressing but about myself as well.

Is it ok to us in this quirky little community of guys who (as Krisi likes to say and I love the saying) like to strap on boobs and slap on a wig? I’m sure we here will say yes. Human beings have a very adept ability to justify any behavior engaged in. But I’ve seen posts from members who struggle deeply with it so as noted above, there are definitely reasons that many would find obvious about why to go to a professional.

Are we hurting anyone by strapping on boobs and trying to look pretty? That could be debated but for the most part, I would say no. So in that regard, sure, it’s ok. Is it ok to society?... for the most part no.
I think therapy helps an individual reconcile feelings about themselves when they conflict with how society would view the individual.

On a related but different note. Many of the responses (especially Natasha's, Consuelo's and Paula Q's) remind me of an article I recently saw about being ostracized. It talks about how being shunned is harmful to the human psche.
The social death penalty: Why being ostracized hurts even more than bullying

[Tracii G]

I agree with Steve to some degree about validation because folks that do want to go 24/7 and start on hormones are required to see a therapist if I'm not mistaken.
Personally I handle my own internal issues quite well so I don't feel the need for validation from anyone about my TG ness.

[Dana44]

I can see why many do get help. Society can be brutal on ones psyc... My SO was a therapist and we talk about some of these issues. I myself can figure things out and never needed a therapist. But many things can effect a human being and sometimes circumstances overwhelm a person and whatever that is , they may need a therapist or a psychiatrist. But for some of us we don't need that kind of support. But what a therapist does is validate you as a person, acknowledges that you have thoughts and beliefs and they may even challenge those as they work with you.

[JeanTG]

A few points. First, why go to a therapist? Well, this where my femme side pops up, I'm the type that needs to talk about my feelings and my wife, in typical taciturn husband style, is one to clam up about hers (we must be a match made in heaven... in reverse). Since my CDing is largely a well-kept secret, I had nobody to talk to about my feelings, etc. A therapist provided that outlet.

Second point. Is crossdressing "wrong"? Yes I believe it is. While some CDers have found a comfort zone with their CDing and their loved ones, the vast majority have not. It is not accepted (yet) by society, and lord knows if it ever will. So it has great potential to harm family relationships, cause stress, problems (potentially) at work if one was "out" especially in a small community, potential to embarrass one's spouse, and I could go on. For many here, and myself included, it can clearly fall into the category of an obsession. Obsessions, IMHO are "wrong". Not in the sense that we're wrong to have them, we may not have that much control over it, but wrong in the sense that they are *not* a force for good in our lives. Rather than liberating us, they enslave us, so that when we can't act on the obsession, we become enormously frustrated and grumpy and hard to live with. Speaking for myself here. In my short time here I've also seen a lot of potentially risky behaviour that are not those on which are founded solid marital relationships.

Third point: should we feel "shame" over it? Sometimes we are our own worst enemies in the "shame" department. But when our spouses force DADT policies, or worse, threaten divorce over it, it is hard *not* to feel shame over it. Maybe God accepts me just the way I am... too bad God's creatures, however, don't always, in fact most don't; it vacillates between repulsion and ridicule. It's hard for me to feel God's acceptance (yes, I am a believer) when others do not. Some here are lucky enough to have thick skin. I am not one of them. That's a good therapist subject.

Fourth point: should we beat ourselves up over it? I don't think so. Many have *far* worse problems than this. It doesn't prevent us from being productive members of society, fathering children, loving, living, laughing, etc. Just like an alcoholic has to deal with a drinking problem, we have to "deal" with our problem. Cold turkey? Not going to work for this girl. But some way of expressing it safely and respecting the foibles and blind spots of those around us who can't get past this... keep saying to yourself "it's not all about me". That's perhaps the biggest problem with an obsession: we make it "all about me". In reality the problem with the CDing isn't so much the dressing as the obsession with it. I love exercising outdoors, but if the weather's crappy for several days on end, I don't obsess over it. But if I can't dress when I want to...oh boy can I be a grump.

Lastly, what do I talk about to my therapist? There is a side of me very strongly female. When I talk to her, I talk as a woman, in the feminine gender (my native language is gender-sensitive), and I ask her in return to treat me as a female patient. I have gone to her underdressed, but never dressed. She does see patients who come in dressed, but she works in a very conservative and religious part of town, which is a bit intimidating and at this stage in my CD life I am not ready to go out in public.

In short, no, I do not think having an obsession is OK. Crossdressing for me has all the characteristics of an obsession that takes over and smothers me. Crossdressing for me isn't liberating. Yes I do feel better when I'm presenting as a woman, but crossdressing gives into the obsession, drives me deeper into it and wanting to go a bit further each time, and enslaves me to it.

[Tina_gm]

I am simply a believer that therapy and or counseling can be a good thing. Just another tool, one of very many which can aide in our mental well being.

When Ist stopped fighting myself.... oh man. I really wasn't sure exactly where in all this I fit. I had suspicions.... but I guess validating from an actual gender therapist that I was indeed a mixture of masculine and feminine.

Natasha and Paula say it brilliantly about why someone can or should go. What it can do for someone who is gender variant. How most of the world views us and treats us can be very difficult. A lot of people get the shaft in life just for being who they are, with no choice in the matter. Transgender people have been by the countless tens of thousands, rejected and disowned by their most beloved family, friends, kids, partners. Jobs have been lost. Preachers preach against us. We are the butt of endless jokes. We start out in life with two strikes against us and one hand tied behind our backs. Being TG can be brutal at times. We have to affirm to ourselves and our small support groups that we are ok, because not many people think we are. Even though when asked how it is wrong, the usual answer is "it just is"

So, for all the other horrendous people out there, who can be clearly defined as to what is wrong, how they are wrong, but with us, "it just is" Just writing this makes me want to make another appointment....

[PattyT]

This thread seems to center more on resort to therapy rather than answering the question, “Is crossdressing ‘OK’”.
I am a bit leery about going to a therapist.
Consuelo stated,
“For those who don't feel this isolation in society (a feeling of non-acceptance) because they are accepted and in a situation where they are completely free to express their cross dressing need, therapy or counseling help is not needed.”
I came to terms with being a CD to a great extent to forums. They made me realize that there is a group of people just like me who cross dress and are perfectly normal. This was enough. What impressed me most about forums is that the contributors seemed, with very rare exceptions, to be extremely rational and logical people. Most have also been able to come to terms with being a CD. I figured if they could, I should be able to as well.
Paula Q stated, “We don't go to therapy because there is something wrong with us. We go to therapy because we are part of a society that is profoundly sick. There is something wrong with THEM!”
Indeed! Cross dressing does not harm society and is a matter of personal taste. I don’t feel that the uninformed opinion of society should be allowed to control my life.
For the most part, just participating in a forum like this one should help a person come to terms with being a CD. This should be the first resort of someone who is having qualms about cross dressing. In other words, one should first try to work this out by himself. If this doesn’t work, only then should recourse to a therapist be considered. One reason I am leery about therapists is that the one a person sees might have preconceived notions against CD and not be able to consult the patient in a non-biased way.
To answer the question whether CD is OK, I think that it is perfectly OK.

[Andrea2000]

Yes crossdressing is okay.

Those who have a problem with what others do, to the point of harassing those who are different from themselves are the ones who need therapy.

It doesnt matter what you do, crossdressing or otherwise, if you're not injuring anyone then there is nothing wrong with it. I mean, when you think about it, 99.99999% of people are weird when you get right down to it. We all have our strange little things we do. If everyone in the world was exaclty the same and on one standard, I think that would be pretty boring.

[sometimes_miss]

For the same reason people who've been abused go to therapy. Because they are dealing with bad feelings they have from a world that abuses them. Being told that it isn't ok to be who and what you are, when who and what you are hurts no one else, is profoundly abusive and damaging to a person.

^that's the shortened version that I am going to keep in my head next time this question comes up, and it will. A lot of us have gone through life being asked this sort of question, always by people who infer that there's something wrong with US.

[Robin414]

Crossdressing causes global warming, famine, and other bad stuff, you know that, right!? 😠

Seriously though Krisi, I like your point, if you can continue to function and serve your 'role' (whatever that may be) it's about as OK as spending a few hours a week flying model airplanes with your buddies!

Therapy, Paula, yah that sums that one up very well IMHO!

But don't forget that global warming, famine, 'n stuff! 😠