Is Crossdressing "OK"?

[PaulaQ]

OK, I'll bite. Is crossdressing OK?

Of course it is. They are just clothes, and the standards for what we wear are entirely arbitrary. Take a look at this guy:

jacobean-man-1.jpg

Oh, back in the day he was a stud. Now? While this wouldn't be crossdressing, I don't think most of you would be viewed as being hyper masculine while wearing this getup to the office...

Being yourself is OK. Our society says it's not OK to be yourself. It doesn't just do this to CDs - there are all sorts of people who are discouraged from being who they really are:
gays
lesbians
transgender people
asexual people
and scores of cisgender, heterosexual people who are forced into lives they DETEST because they want to be seen as "normal."

Y'all are mostly feminine men, or gender fluid trans, or bigender trans, or a few of you are actually women, but just don't know it yet. Or perhaps some of you are simply fetishists. None of that matters, really. Because you aren't hurting anyone. Oh sure, other people may take great umbrage at your presentation. I've certainly experienced this first hand. But the thing is - I didn't DO anything to them, and neither did you. It isn't my fault that they freaked out over the way I looked. And sure, you may take negative social consequences for being out and being gender variant. I sure have! But again, that doesn't make it wrong - it makes the people who did those things to me abusive.

Now one argument some might make is "what about our spouses? Don't we hurt them?" Well no, not really. Yeah, some of them freak out when they find out about this stuff. This is really unfortunate, and a really good reason for coming out BEFORE you get serious with someone. But at the end of the day, you are under no obligation to hide who you are from someone else.

So you might then ask, "What if my spouse suffers bad social consequences because I'm a CD? Doesn't that make it bad?" Again, no, it doesn't. It would be awful, and I have NO DOUBT that it happens, that some spouses do suffer if their gender variant spouse becomes known. My own wife claimed this happened to her. I think it's horrible. I also think it's not my fault. Let me give you an example of why it isn't.

Imagine a really dysfunctional and abusive family - drunk Dad, mousy mom, and junior. Suppose that every time junior gets a bad report card (junior is ADHD, so umm, his grades aren't the best), drunk Dad ties one on and beats the living hell out of mousy mom. Is junior to blame for the horrible treatment his mother receives? No, he really can't help being how he is. And his home life probably doesn't help either... No, the fault in all of this lies with the abusive Dad who feels the need to exact vengeance on SOMEONE - doesn't matter who, really.

Our society, and an awful lot of people in it, are like the drunk Dad in my example. They lash out sometimes for basically no reason - just because someone is different. And while I think anyone should absolutely consider the safety of themselves and their family before coming out as some form of trans, at the end of the day, what happens in the aftermath of people discovering this about you is just not your fault.

Providing you aren't violating someone else's boundaries, it is OK to be yourself. In fact, being yourself is a really fundamental boundary. We need to be who we really are. So crossdressing is "OK", because make no mistake, it is a part of who you are. That society often seems to say this is "not OK" is abuse. It will be argued by those who are transphobic, that by appearing CDed, you are violating their boundaries - you are hurting them. I assert that boundaries like that are UNHEALTHY - "you must look and act a certain way, or my boundaries are violated!" A boundary like that, which attempts to manipulate your behavior, is abuse.

Unfortunately, in these racist, sexist, ableist, homophobic, transphobic and increasingly narcissistic times we live in today, healthy boundaries are often scarce.

[Andrea2000]

Wow PaulaQ, your comment is worthy of framing!

Very nice and thoughtful! Thanks for writing it. And it's just what I needed to hear given my current situation.

[RylieM]

I see nothing wrong with crossdressing its been done since before roman times altho back then it was mostly because woman we not actresses back then so men had to dress up and fill the roles. Im seeing a therapist myself to help determine if its right for me to transition I feel in my heart it is but that's not to say its the best thing for me. I suspect many cders at least in recent times go seek a therapist/psychologist for the exact same reason or for other reasons like marriage counseling or as has been said in previous posts about abuse ect.

[chris80]

how about instead of giving money to a therapist, buying a book on the subject and then spending the rest of the money on skirts and shoes?

[Emma 1973]

Once i started dressing i was finding myself feeling guilty as a result, once i convinced my self it was ok i now have no problems with it.
so yes i say as long as its not hurting anyone it is fine...

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Krisi, There are two kinds of therapists ,

One tells you what you want to hear !

The other tells your wife what she wants to hear !

. ~~ ......

[Krisi]

That's pretty much my view as well.

[Someone777]

Crossdressing having ties with low self esteem and other image problems isn't a big surprise, concerning those who do it to feel pretty. I mean, the desire to feel pretty means you feel like you're lacking something when that shouldn't be. Then there are those where crossdressing is an outlet for bigger problems. So, does that make crossdressing itself wrong? Nope. There's plenty that do it for perfectly healthy reasons like... wait, I mean they don't all have problems they're just dressing ... At least, they aren't hurting anyone, except themselves.

There's a lot of things you can do that aren't socially acceptable that aren't necessarily wrong and don't necessarily land you in a therapist's office.

It can take time, like hundreds of years, but groups that are socially outcast can become accepted at some point but society is a bit fickle on the topic. Take a look at nerds, they're super stars these days but they used to be abused just as much as any other outcast. Go back not too long ago and being a nerd could get you accused of being a witch and that never ended well.

Take a look at nudists (or don't: there may not be enough eye bleach.) Crossdressing might not be socially accepted in most places but at least it's legal. Try going anywhere public nude and you'll find yourself being greeted by the police is short order. Yet, for the most part, nudists don't really hurt anyone. As with any groups, there are the bad apples but, generally, nudists aren't bad people. They just have an irrational hatred of clothing. The point being, it's bad enough being a social outcast because of your hobby/identity/etc. but it's a lot worse when it's actually illegal. Let me tell you, if you think crossdressing takes balls... Sorry, bad joke.

So, yeah, there's a lot of things that aren't particularly harmful that just aren't socially accepted. Maybe, someday, that will change .

[pamela7]

"Word, PaulaQ". Despite having been a therapist 16 years I've not been to one for myself. And yes I do wonder why people go. But then I also wonder why people need a coach at work or sport; same thing just different labels to aid the ego. So after several hundred clients, mostly for 40+ hours each what can i say?

The purpose is to obtain clarity and inner peace. Absolutely to realise the sick society can go ... itself. I now do my retreats en-femme and not even the most macho blokes seem to have a problem with that - they're focussed on their own problems. Abusive parents, teachers, siblings, partners, spouses; mostly people are not warned that evil is real, and so get damaged and want healing from the experience of being for example dominated. When i was little i was warned about strangers, were you?

[Chelsea B]

how about instead of giving money to a therapist, buying a book on the subject and then spending the rest of the money on skirts and shoes?

I couldn't agree more

[gina shiney]

Thank you Krisi
I count 8 questions here and will attempt to answer from My veiw.
1 is crossdressing ok yes from a big veiw, no from a closed unaccepting society of freinds family.
2 as per Rebecca, Paula Q & Consuelo. I utilize a psychologist for mainly dealing with other matters mainly childhood abuse of which cding was a coping method.
3 yes there are times when I am guilty and deeply feel that way.
4 I am not sick so a cure will not work but what I do require is to understand without the guilt
5 My wife did not insist I dragged her so she could understand that it wasnt her fault and also to hopefully open up the ability to talk with me on all her thoughts & fears.
6 yes I do need someone nonjudgmental to discuss this with (not all sessions are about cding)
7 we talk about all things effect on relationship with children spouse freinds and their freinds if it ever came out. My fears feelings self loathing and teminal thinking.
8 with cding I beleve that I can come toaccept it as now being a important part of my being.
I also echo some of Jean TG's comments as well.l hope this answers to you someones response. Thank you all. I also Know as I get to know this site and its many people answers and understanding will grow.
gina shiney

[lisa_vin]

Well, all I can say is, there are sooooooooooooo many things out there that are so much worse than crossdressing. This SHOULD rate as only a minor "inconvenience" at worst. It's outrageous things like RuPaul's Drag Race TV show that tend to give crossdressing such a negative connotation. Things are only as big and bad as someone is willing to make them become!

[Sonyla]

Thank you so much for the good explanation PaulaQ.

[PattyT]

how about instead of giving money to a therapist, buying a book on the subject and then spending the rest of the money on skirts and shoes?

I also totally agree to this statement. Recouerse to an analysist should be a last resort.

[Someone777]

Calling seeking therapy a "last resort" feels like you're trying to discourage people from it. Some people just really need it and/or don't have anyone else to turn to.

That said, it doesn't always work for everyone and the thing you do want to avoid is starting the roller coaster of what mind altering med will I be trying the next few months.

If you have a good friend/family member to confide in, that is where I would start. The problem is that not everyone has that and some just find it more difficult to share with someone they care about than with a stranger.

[Amy Fakley]

Ok, according to who?
According to myself, and pretty much any thoughtful, open minded person: yes, there's nothing wrong with it.

However, the world is flooded with enormous masses of people who are neither thoughtful, nor open minded. All one needs to do is look at the news in this election year to observe the hoards being whipped into a frothy blind rage by cynical elites, seeking transform anger into weaponry to win their political battles.

And they're aiming their ignorance bazookas right at you and me. And they have been for as long as I can remember.

That why so many of us go to therapy. Not because we're broken, but because we live in a broken culture, and that can cause wounds we often need help to heal from.

[Angie G]

My wife sees a therapist for issues from childhood. I have no need of such things I'm a crossdresser and me wife accepts my dressing. I have no guilt or feel I'm sick or need to be cured. If I couldn't crossdress I just may need one for a very big part of me would be missing.
Angie

[Judy-Somthing]

I think it's much better than OK, as Tony the tiger says "It's Great"
I went for a job interview today, (wish me LUCK) they asked what days I could work?

I thought to my self (As long as it doesn't inter fear with Judy dress up Time)

[LondonSteve]

When I was a crossdressing counsellor I spent a long time talking to myself.
Although the above is intended as humour it is in fact true.

[Krisi]

I tried to ask this in the original post but it seems to have gotten lost:

When you go to a therapist, what do you and he/she talk about?

Is there a goal of ending therapy (with a "cure") or does it continue until you run out of money or lose interest?

[LondonSteve]

I tried to ask this in the original post but it seems to have gotten lost:

When you go to a therapist, what do you and he/she talk about?

Is there a goal of ending therapy (with a "cure") or does it continue until you run out of money or lose interest?

You can talk about anything you want. It's your therapy. Although depending on how a therapist works they may seem intent on steering the direction. Others won't. Discuss that with the therapist. Endings/duration can be discussed at the outset. A first time client may be interested in 4 or 6 sessions to decide if it's for them, which can then be extended. Again the client should be in control.

Therapy is often referred to as the 'Talking cure' but it isn't a cure for anything. It can be very helpful though and many have found therapy to be life changing. Others find it's just not for them.

[PaulaQ]

When you go to a therapist, what do you and he/she talk about?

Is there a goal of ending therapy (with a "cure") or does it continue until you run out of money or lose interest?

Gender therapy is amazing! We talked about makeup, clothes, lingerie, how to walk in high heels, feminine deportment, how to deal with boys if they start to go a little too far, how to be a good submissive. (Learning how to be tied up was interesting!)

OK, I'm kidding - but a couple of you had your credit cards out, didn't you?

I've had two gender therapists. With the first, we talked briefly about whether or not I was " just a CD." I figured out pretty quickly the answer was "no, I need to transition." She helped me with coming out (I think she cried when I tried the speech I'd prepared for my wife on her.) She helped me deal with the horrible aftermath of coming out to my wife. Ultimately, I got a letter for HRT from her, which was one of my goals. I stopped seeing her when I moved.

My second therapist was a rockstar among the therapists in the Dallas area, Feleshia Porter. When I started with her, I had started HRT. So we talked about my divorce, relationships, unlearning how to pretend to be a man. (I never learned to be a woman - there is no learning that, its what I am. Instead I learned to quit pretending to be something that I wasn't.) We talked a lot about attitudes I had that were no longer helpful, or even representative of who I am. I had a lot of grief to deal with over the loss of my marriage, and over the loss of many friends.

My goals for Feleshia were:
- letters for surgery
- deal with my divorce
- get through surgery
- deal with all the horrible old programming that was in my head, stuff from a society that refused to let me be me.

We stopped after I'd had GCS. Really, we could've stopped before, I wanted to be sure I had no post op depression, which can happen after any surgery. (I didn't.)

We stopped because basically we ran out of things to talk about. I had finished my transition, indeed I'd become a leader in my community, and had helped numerous other trans people begin transition, or overcome roadblocks to their transition. I get the impression that her and her colleagues are surprised at who I turned out to be. I didn't look very promising at the beginning, I'm sure. (I'm sure people on the forum here for a long time can attest to how crazy I was when I joined here.)

[pamela7]

i'll take it from the therapist side; my goal is for the client to have either acceptance or full remission of symptoms, i.e. they're at peace with themselves and their live. I want them to not come back, I want them to get on with their lives without need for further support or coaching or therapy. In a sense, if they keep coming back, and some do over the years, I've "failed so far". As to what is talked about, nothing is off the agenda cos what is one area of life affects all the others; all roads lead to Rome. Peace of mind is priceless in modern society. Therefore, therapy has value.

[Rhonda Jean]

I tried to ask this in the original post but it seems to have gotten lost:

When you go to a therapist, what do you and he/she talk about?

Is there a goal of ending therapy (with a "cure") or does it continue until you run out of money or lose interest?

I did almost all the talking. It was the first and only time in my life that I'd ever told anybody EVERYTHING. Once I got started it was an avalanche. That was the therapeutic part for me. I didn't realize I'd withheld so much for so long. OMG it was so good to tell it all. Some things had been so thoroughly pent up that I didn't even realize, and I never thought it was a big deal to keep them pent up. I wrote things out, which was also therapeutic to see them in print. I didn't go in looking for a diagnosis or to start transitioning. Really, after I'd gotten it all out I could have stopped. That's what I needed. Oh, it was kinda cool hearing her opinions, but I never gave them the weight that I would a medical diagnosis. They were her opinions, and that was fine. That wasn't why I was there, but it's the logical result.

I wrote her a long email that went into things I'd never spoken about, or at least I hadn't to the depth I did with her. I remember going in to my next appointment and her beginning by saying, "Wow. Just wow!" Guess she'd never heard THAT before!

Sounds stupid to pay a lot of money to sit in somebody's office and talk, but this was talking about things that were otherwise (to me) I could never have told anybody. There is value to that. More than you'd think until you've done it.

[desertrider]

I have been seeing someone for about a month now. It's been on my mind for some time. Partly, yes, my partner suggested I go a while back. Also I feel like as a guy I was like no way am I going to a therapist. But being more comfortable fem, I'm like, why not? Lots of GG's go to the therapist for lots of stuff without stigma.

...I was just reading this somewhat relevant piece this morning with gems like this: "In a survey of over 2,000 men, 67% said they were more emotional than they appeared." (http://everydayfeminism.com/2015/10/...-gender-myths/).

My experience so far rhymes with Rhonda's: I talk, my therapist listens (they are pretty good at catching me in the act when I'm talking and then I avoid something though for instance). They're very good with appropriate silences too. Mostly we talk about gender, but you know, everything goes. For some reason it's always helpful. Yes, I could talk to myself. I do talk to myself. But I think there's a funamental difference for me in trying to explain myself to myself, vs. trying to explain how I feel to someone else. The forum has been great therapy too, but I definitely get something out of face-to-face contact. You can't really say ~everything~ to your friends (i.e. maybe you have difficulty telling them anything negative [or positive lol] about your wife), but I feel like I can't possibly shock a therapist unless they are really new. I say things I don't say to myself too, but I haven't really analysed why some things only come up @ therapist. I haven't made any "breakthroughs", but I always come out on a surer footing than I went in. I was in last week and I realized some things my SO had said over the last month had me in a place where I couldn't be honest with myself if I still had feelings there. I was afraid to engage it. I didn't want to know the answer. 30 minutes later I knew my answer and I wasn't even worried anymore. That was a big weight off. I don't think I would've gotten there sitting alone in my armchair by myself, it was floating around my head for weeks before that. I don't get how it works, but it works for me =) I'm a lot more 'out' now, like in a good way. Like I don't ~have~ to be binary. I can be comfortable being fem and not transitioning right now, and I can change my feelings later if the old feelings stop making sense again. Did they tell me what I wanted to hear? If so, it must've been subliminal...

Mileage may vary though, I had a really awful time I tried I think 10 therapists for plain old male depression a couple dimes ago. But maybe I didn't really want to go then and I do now...

Hugs, Summer