I got "Sir'd"

[Sometimes Steffi]

The first couple of times I went to Keystone, I had a real crash going back to boy mode after almost 5 days as a girl.

After that, I came up with a "soft landing" plan. Part of that plan includes driving home dressed as a girl, and shopping on the way home.

Sunday, I was much more girly than usual as I was wearing a skirt and pantihose, rather than jeans and a T shirt. I know that I don't pass, but I am "girl sized" (5'9", 150#, size 14). I thought I looked pretty cute.

Even so, i was still "Sir'd" by an SA.

Does anyone have any good come-back to that, which is not overly offensive.

I was thinking just saying, "I think you mean mam, not sir"

Or maybe giving her a "Thank you sir" as an indication that I'm not happy being isgendered.

[Tracii G]

Here is what I did and I will use it again next time if a lady sirs me in girl mode.
" Thanks man see you at the bowling alley on Sat"

[Robin414]

LOL, A couple great comebacks Steffi and Ttacii! 😉

[ShelbyDawn]

Why do you need a good comeback?
You admit you don't pass.
Chances are, the SA was not aware of your expected protocol.

If you just let it go, there is no stress and no conflict. Just a random response by someone you may never see again.
That SA owns their actions, not you. It is your choice to be offended or not.

My dad was fond of saying that most conflict is caused by someones actions not meeting our expectations.
We have no control over their actions. We have full control over our expectations.

Or, as 'the wise man' once said... "Never credit malice with the work of ignorance."

[Jenniferathome]

The question is, do you believe it was just a slip or was it intended to hurt you?

I was out a few months ago, and an elderly lady usher said to another usher, "He, I mean she, needs..." She didn't men anything by it but she saw me as the man that I am and her brain took over. Now she caught herself, but I am certain she meant no offense.

[ShelbyDawn]

If you really feel you need a response, take the time to educate her about cross-dressing and that, while men who dress may not pass, it would make our day and probably create return business for her, if she were to just acknowledge the effort and say ma'am when she encounters us.

[Tracii G]

It really does depend on the situation at the time and if she was being snarky.
If your feelings get hurt too easily by comments like this then you need grow thicker skin.

[Robin414]

Good point Tracii! I'm only about 18 months old now (since becoming consumed by this crazy pink fog 😉 ) but I find negative comments actually invigorate me...thicker skin...yes...sharper spear...absolutely!

[josie_S]

well i think it sucks...i understand needing thicker skin, etc but it is rude even if the SA intended to be so or not. I got pulled over once for a busted tail light and the officer, even after seeing my license, told me to "be safe, miss" and that small act of kindness has stayed with me. is it too much to be kind to people?

[Eryn]

"Snappy Comebacks" are amusing in Mad Magazine, but they will yield us nothing in real life.

One misgendering? Let it slide. The person is probably beating themselves up inside for their slip and hoping that you didn't notice.

Several misgenderings from the same person? It's time to privately and gently tell them "I prefer to be referred to as "Miss." or "Ma'am."

Pointedly rude misgendering? Time to walk away and talk to the manager.

Remember, our goal is to win hearts and minds. We don't do that by being sarcastic or counterattacking. We do it by being really nice people even when people slip up.

I'm 6'2" and not exactly the most passable person in the world. I get sirred now and then. Even my friends have done it. Sometimes their subconscious takes over and sends words to their mouths before their brain can stop them. I take it as a sign that they are comfortable with me. I also find that the more I am comfortable with myself the less I get misgendered. Confidence does have an influence on those people I interact with.

I realize that there are some of us who are deeply hurt by being misgendered. I do feel for them, but they are setting themselves a very high wire, one from which the slightest slip hurts.

[Barbara Jo]

I think the issue is that some people do know what to call a person who is evidently male but dressed as a female.

I have known gay drag queens who were offended if someone thought of them as a female. They view themselves as all male who are just pretending to be a female in a "campy" way.

So, perhaps the guy was confused and just said what he thought might be correct... no knowing any better.

[donnalee]

The part that I don't understand is the necessity for gendering at all in everyday conversation. How is "May I help you?" improved by the addition of Sir, Ma'am or Miss? I always felt it was a way of distancing oneself from whoever you were dealing with and never cared for it.

An example:
A cop stops you for what he considers a stupid or careless traffic infraction. "License and registration, Sir." Now you know he doesn't think highly of you, so I always felt he was substituting "Sir" for "A**hole" while satisfying requirements for polite treatment of the public. "License and registration, A**hole!"

When I was doing retail it always seemed unnecessary and prone to misinterpretation, so I never used it and I fail to see any advantage in doing so, particularly if there is any possible room for doubt. I think businesses should instruct their employees in this regard as it would be a win-win for all concerned.

[docrobbysherry]

I can never pass and prefer Shelby's tack. I get called sir a lot. I say, "Trans prefer to be called mam when we're dressed this way."

When an SA does call me mam, I thank her/him for their thotfulness!

[Lauri K]

I suppose I try look it on a case by case basis, but I must say I have grown tired of the mis gendering by SA / Cashiers in general.

I think for one SA's need to get their eye's examined and thier attitudes adjusted in order to successfully greet a diverse public that they service. Education and training are essential, many are not trained and others that are trained have just decided that they are going to be rude no matter what because they don't want to be there in the first place.

If I am misgendered when I am dressed up and looking what I call pretty good, I will pause and look over shoulder and then turn back around to them and say excuse me were you talking to me, or someone else.........at that point they get that deer in the headlights look on their face and figure out that they have screwed up and will usually comeback with a quick apology and use the correct pronoun.

Truly it can be a painful and traumatic thing to be misgendered, try to educate and not start a riot is my motto.

It is sad that so many SA's do this misuse of pronouns, and as a community we dont' give enough credit to the ones that do use the correct pronouns, so give you SA's a big smile when they get it right, because after all we don't dress up to be Sir'ed.

[Krisi]

" How is "May I help you?" improved by the addition of Sir, Ma'am or Miss? "

It's a sign of respect. It's what sales people, restaurant servers and anyone else dealing with the public is taught to do. It's what parents (we would hope) teach their children to do.

If you dress as a woman and people call you "sir", it's a sign that you don't pass very well and should work on your presentation. It's your problem, not theirs.

As for a snappy comeback, that's not to help anything. You failed at passing, you learned a lesson, let it be and move on with your day.

[looking_good]

I noticed recently how often I got Sir from SA's while in male mode, and neither Sir nor Ma'am or Miss while dressed. I don't pass when dressed, so the omission seems a pretty reasonable response to a blended presentation. I agree with Krisi that the takeaway is room to improve my presentation.

[Allisa]

Maybe I'm the only one here but what pronoun I'm referred to as, makes no never mind. Yes being Maam'ed, miss and others does feel good, but I am so happy as myself and my expression that it does not ruin my day. After all I am a man, I like to think that my presentation is that of a female in both exterior and demeanor for all the world to see, but if someone feels the need to point that out than so be it, I'm not hiding who I am just expressing it. I rarely get referred to as sir also when expressing my male self. Most of the time my interactions with others have resulted in just a plain old "Thank-you", or "have a nice day", or something along those lines. Is it because they aren't sure or just reacting to my friendly, happy smile. Any type of confrontation is a win for them and only fuels their prejudices. As I say "if you own it ,it can not be used against you".

[JamieG]

I think Eryn has the right approach. A snappy comeback should only be used if the person is obviously doing it to needle you. Otherwise, you are being rude for no good reason. If she was otherwise nice and helpful, you might consider "You probably don't get many crossdressers and other trans-people here, so I'm sure this must be confusing for you. Unless the person has indicated otherwise, it's usually best to use pronouns and terms that match the gender they are presenting as." Just be sure to be pleasant about it.

[STACY B]

Don't EVEN WASTE your Time,, If you have the for thought and a quick wit Bang them Back like Tracy said, Other than that Blow um off and Bounce,, Life's wayyy to short to give those loser anymore of your time.

[Eryn]

The part that I don't understand is the necessity for gendering at all in everyday conversation..... I think businesses should instruct their employees in this regard as it would be a win-win for all concerned.

OTOH, I hate it when salespeople speak in an obviously scripted manner. I'd rather have them speak naturally and risk an occasional slip.
Part of feminine interaction is acknowledgement of their shared gender. The waitress at a favorite restaurant makes a point of referring to the group as "ladies"when it is exclusively female. When the group is mixed she uses a neutral term. When she uses the term "ladies" it is with a sense of being part of a special group to which she also belongs. I'd hate for her to lose the ability to express this because she is forced to use homogenized language.

[Alice Torn]

Best to just let it sled, give them the benefit of the doubt, be nice and respectful to them, even if they are rude. That will make them think, "hey that is a nice person." On the humorous side, having been in the Air Force, i might say, "Sir?" Oh, I'm not an officer. Or, "Carry on.Thank you."

[I Am Paula]

If you were wearing a skirt, then she's just being rude. Say 'That's ma'am' and never shop there again.

[docrobbysherry]

OTOH, I hate it when salespeople speak in an obviously scripted manner. I'd rather have them speak naturally and risk an occasional slip.-------------------------------

I agree, Eryn. Coming back from Mary's T girl club, we always stop at a fast food drive thru for my hungry T buddy, at about 1 AM. I'm the one the SA sees at the drive up window. He's gotten used to seeing me and doesn't raise his eyebrows anymore. As we r driving away he always says, "Have a nice day!"

[Barbara Jo]

Has it occurred to anyone just to write an anonymous letter to the store's manager (even to the store's corporate address) saying that you are a woman but the SA called sir and you are very offended.?
If enough of us did that, maybe they will get the message.

BTW, just last Tuesday i was totally en femme (which included a midi skirt, etc ) and went into the local " Burlington Coat factory" store.
I was just looking at some dresses, skirts and lingerie., etc..
Now, while I was dressed very feminine, the only make up I wore was very light application of foundation.
Although at 69 years old, my hair is now completely grey, my facial hair is still mostly black. (why can't it be the other way around? )
So, anything more than a cursory look would have revealed that I was a male.

I should add that I wore no wig as I'm am letting my hair grow and it is now rather feminine looking.

Anyway, one point, a female sales associate doing some work near by, came up to me smiling, asking, "Is there anything special that you are looking for mam"?
Needless to say, I was very pleased.

[Jennifer_Ph]

Why do you need a good comeback?
You admit you don't pass.
Chances are, the SA was not aware of your expected protocol.

If you just let it go, there is no stress and no conflict. Just a random response by someone you may never see again.
That SA owns their actions, not you. It is your choice to be offended or not.

My dad was fond of saying that most conflict is caused by someones actions not meeting our expectations.
We have no control over their actions. We have full control over our expectations.

Or, as 'the wise man' once said... "Never credit malice with the work of ignorance."

Absolutely perfect. You nailed it!