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Thread: Loss of lust during CDing?

  1. #1
    New Member Veronica's wife's Avatar
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    Unhappy Loss of lust during CDing?

    Hi all. Would love to hear other CDers view on this. I'm married to a husband who occasionally crossdresses (about once a month, once every two weeks). The crossdressing started before puberty and with awakening sexuality, it developed into a sexual thing (it started as something that just "felt good" in childhood).
    So from his teens until a few years ago when he came out to me, his crossdressing was his own secret, and it was always sexual, even if it filled other needs as well. Anyway, he came out to me when we just started dating, some four years ago. I was intrigued, a little scared but mostly very honored that he confided in me, and also very proud of him, and since then the crossdressing has always been a part of our relationship. But, in the beginning he was always very aroused as soon as he at all started dressing, but over time it seems it is less and less exciting to him. During our first years crossdressing always ended in elaborate sex, but recently he seems to dress more for comfort and less for the sexual pleasure of it ... I did some reading up, and learned that his crossdressing is called "fetischist crossdressing" (if labelling is at all relevant, I don't know). But why is he getting less sexual pleasure from it? (He only crossdresses in my company these days, mostly because I am usually at home.) Am I in the way? Is he getting older? (we are in our late 30s) Was it the novelty of having another person around that turned him on in the beginning, but now that my being a part of the cd:ing is so common, he needs something else to turn him on?

    My question is: how should I interpret his diminishing lust during crossdressing? (I know I could just bring it up with him, but I want to be sensitive, and have him feel completely at ease whatever emotions he has. So I am afraid of bringing this up as it could put pressure on him to "perform" during crossdressing, and the point of his crossdressing is for him to feel godd, so I don't want him to feel any other pressure...)

  2. #2
    Girl from the Eagles Nest reb.femme's Avatar
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    Sounds to me that you're satisfying his sexual need, if indeed that is still happening between you. Plus, it does just become the norm to dress for some, as it did for me. I was also a fetishist dresser early on but it diminished. It could also be a drop in sexual appetite due to age.

    My wife's desire toward me has diminished since my revelation, so I've got the opposite problem, if I understand your situation correctly.


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  3. #3
    AKA Lexi sometimes_miss's Avatar
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    As it started before puberty and wasn't initially sexually driven, it probably isn't. Lots of us simply succumbed to sexual desire pretty much all the time after the testosterone pours into us after puberty. As a teen, it doesn't take much at all to inspire sexual excitement. So even the thought of something, ANYTHING feminine could easily initiate 'launch sequence', such as the brief sight of a pretty dress that we could (even subconsciously) imagine the target of our lust wearing. So the fact that crossdressing coincides with sexual excitement isn't unusual at all. What is possible, though, is that crossdressing simply happens at the same time as his sexual drive is due for a 'spike'; the slight arousal hits, and off we go. I think I speak for virtually all men when I say that when we were young, there were plenty of times when there wasn't any apparent reason for getting erections. In the middle of math class, watching cartoons, it seemed that any even subconscious thoughts could get us turned on. Once in that state, it doesn't matter much what else is going on, it's just easiest to go with the flow and self satisfy. As time goes on, this tends to happen less often.
    Some causes of crossdressing you've probably never even considered: My TG biography at:http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...=1#post1490560
    There's an addendum at post # 82 on that thread, too. It's about a ten minute read.
    Why don't we understand our desire to dress, behave and feel like a girl? Because from childhood, boys are told that the worst possible thing we can be, is a sissy. This feeling is so ingrained into our psyche, that we will suppress any thoughts that connect us to being or wanting to be feminine, even to the point of creating separate personalities to assign those female feelings into.

  4. #4
    Aspiring Member Mykaa's Avatar
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    Well Veronica's Wife nice to meet you. Your husband is a lucky guy to me. I know theres a comfort level in there somewhere, and if he's dressing more casually that could have something to do with it, could be he's just more comfortable with himself. Yes I do agree with fetish, I have that , I know I do. Age is a definite factor also, although, Myself I seem to have cycles where I have more urge and in between I lose the urge. Im 48 and ya Im slowing down. Is he stressed at all, stress is really hard on a person. I can tell you I dress more often when stressed, sometimes just to escape the thought of the stress cause.
    Heres a thought, change things up, I dont know how you feel about taking charge, I love that in the bedroom with a woman, Have you ever dressed him? or a more subtle hint, I assume theres lingerie, set something out for him to wear, if you wanna take charge, Dress him? Just a thought, this is me speaking from what I wanted from my former SO who apparently wasnt ok with me.
    If you think stress is involve maybe , what do you do to destress? Spa, mani pedi? Would that help?
    Id assume since he told you about his cding, hes comfortable with himself? A common them with me is/ was the want to cd, and the sexual release it brings about, followed by guilt/ shame. We arent what society in general wants/ expects from the male. I have tried being that. That doesnt work for me, I'll always have the want/need to dress, I know this and Ive accepted it.
    Know this your in very good company for sharing and talking and ideas. Communication is key in any relationship. Maybe just ask him?
    I wish you the best of luck, Veronicas Wife. I hope your day is wonderful.
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  5. #5
    Senior Member Nikkilovesdresses's Avatar
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    Hi and welcome VW.

    I'm puzzled- is his libido in general diminishing, or just when he's crossdressed?

    If the latter, then it sounds like the CD-as-turn-on novelty's worn off, nothing more complicated than that.

    But if it's the former, it would seem to have far greater implications for your relationship, though sex is more important for some people than others. Either way, only talking with him is going to answer your question.
    Last edited by Nikkilovesdresses; 03-21-2016 at 05:13 PM.
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  6. #6
    Call me Pam pamela7's Avatar
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    It is not unusual for something which has a tinge of "forbidden fruit" to lose its edge once it has become normalised. In fact it is quite normal. It can also fluctuate in those circumstances. There are also many other possible other factors at play, but really this in itself is not a problem, perhaps a phase, perhaps a new inner contentment.
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  7. #7
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    If his and your sexual desires are being met without the cross-dressing is there really anything to be worried about? The fact your husband is able to sit around and just act normal while en femme would be relaxing. Wearing women's clothing may be becoming the method to relieve stress. Frankly, your husband is a lucky girl. I think most members, such as me, have wives who would like to see our feminine side disappear. And, many times a wife's sexual desires diminish because she has an image, real or imaginary, of her husband in a dress. I'd say don't stress out about it. If his feminine side is important to YOU in the bedroom, then take some steps to make it happen. Don't make an issue about it. Just run a scented bubble bath for him, pamper him, do his makeup and hair, dress hubby in a nightie, and, take it from there.

    He's a lucky guy. I would love to just be able to prepare dinner for my wife at the end of her day as a teacher, and, just get a pat on my butt.

  8. #8
    Gold Member Helen_Highwater's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by pamela7 View Post
    It is not unusual for something which has a tinge of "forbidden fruit" to lose its edge once it has become normalised. In fact it is quite normal. It can also fluctuate in those circumstances. There are also many other possible other factors at play, but really this in itself is not a problem, perhaps a phase, perhaps a new inner contentment.
    Hi wife of Veronica,

    What you describe is not unusual and Pamela puts it very well. It's has been commented on in other threads many times. If fact this very question has a live thread open at the moment.
    http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...e-in-sex-drive
    A great many CD'ers especially in their younger years when starting their journeys have a link between dressing and a heightened feeling of sexuality. As time passes, we become more accepting of ourselves, as your SO has done, s(he)'s settled into being Veronica. Think of it as having another friend or companion. You now have someone who's outgrown the fetish element, matured if you will. All that's really happening here is your sex life is leveling out as you both age.

    Don't fret about it. It's just what happens as people grow and relationships mature. It's no reflection upon you as a wife and lover.
    Last edited by Helen_Highwater; 03-21-2016 at 12:18 PM.
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  9. #9
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    It's a pretty common experience that we are madly passionate during and following the "falling in love" phase of a relationship, but then it cools a bit and becomes something more mundane by comparison. Novelty, perhaps (the old joke about Grover Cleveland and his wife on a visit to a chicken ranch: Mrs. Cleveland was told that a rooster mated dozens of times a day and suggested that they tell that to Mr. Cleveland. When they did, he replied, "With the same hen?" "Well, no." "Tell that to Mrs. Cleveland.") or a maturing of a bond that is less sex-centered and more about enduring affection and commitment. When you're still exploring what turns on and satisfies each other, it's bound to have more sizzle than it will once you know most of those answers and settle into habits and patterns.

    I am blessed with the somewhat remarkable experience that my wife met and fell in love with the girl before she ever met the boy, and our mating dance might well have resembled a couple of confused chickens circling each other on unfamiliar ground for a while, especially since we were both in our 50s at the time. We're 12 years married now and still evolving.

    It may well be that releasing the dark secret had an unusual power and kicked up a wave you both surfed on. If he's still dressing as needed and desired, and you two are still in love with the whole person, my advice would be to nurture your habits of affection and cherish the moments when the old spark heats up again. It will, if you love each other. There's also role-playing, "date nights", and getaways to T-friendly environments if you feel a need to prime the pump.

    Then there's new clothes and shoes and...

  10. #10
    Silver Member LilSissyStevie's Avatar
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    One possibility that hasn't been mentioned is that he may have slipped into some kind of autoeroticism. Sometimes the real thing just isn't as good as the fantasy especially when you don't have the right parts in real life. This is a pretty common but rarely talked about feature of autogynephilia (arousal at the thought of oneself as a woman.) More than likely it's just a decline in libido. There could be many reasons for that. My libido didn't start to decline significantly until I was in my well into my '50s. Now in my '60s I fantasize about the days when I fantasized about sex.

  11. #11
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    I agree with the forbidden fruit aspect. You might try a little bit of "Don't you look pretty in your nightgown" or "Those panties look so pretty on you" and try to emphasize the fact that he is wearing women's clothes.

  12. #12
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    Quote Originally Posted by Veronica's Wife
    I did some reading up, and learned that his crossdressing is called "fetischist crossdressing" (if labelling is at all relevant, I don't know). But why is he getting less sexual pleasure from it?
    Yes, why would someone with a sexual fetish still engage in the fetishistic behavior, but not the sexual part? The answer is because this isn't a fetish.

    You are in your 30's. It is not very likely to be an age related thing. The sexuality associated with your spouse's dressing tells you almost exactly nothing about what is going on with them, other than the loss of it suggests that the dressing is more of an identity thing, rather than a sexual thing. It's difficult to say what that means - it is not uncommon for CDs who've been dressing for a while to lose the sexual edge to it. It is, however, also a sign that the CD might need to transition. My own CDing lost it's sexual element very, very rapidly after I'd realized that I could no longer try to make myself believe I was a man, but that I was instead, and always had been, a woman. It happened within a couple of weeks for me. I get the feeling that my own experience with transition was unusually violent with respect to the forces bouncing around inside of my mind. My wife at the time definitely knew something was wrong with me, she just didn't know what. (She thought I was somewhat depressed, and was shocked to discover the extent of my feelings - I'd been considering suicide.)

    Anyway, absent any other indicators, like a decline in emotional health, it isn't too much to worry about. What happens is beyond anyone's control, anyway, and trying to predict what might happen with regards to their gender in the future is generally a pointless exercise. If they seem otherwise healthy and happy, then mainly you know this is a part of their identity, rather than a fetish. That isn't to say that they are a woman, and will transition - there are many possibilities, most of which end up with nothing significant happening.

  13. #13
    GG ReineD's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Veronica's wife View Post
    Hi all. Would love to hear other CDers view on this.
    Hi Veronica’s wife, I’m a GG like you. Is this a request for strictly CDers to respond and not TSs and GGs? Please come back and specify, else the non-CDers who respond risk getting their posts deleted.

    So here's my response in the meantime:

    Quote Originally Posted by Veronica's wife View Post
    But why is he getting less sexual pleasure from it? (He only crossdresses in my company these days, mostly because I am usually at home.) Am I in the way? Is he getting older? (we are in our late 30s) Was it the novelty of having another person around that turned him on in the beginning, but now that my being a part of the cd:ing is so common, he needs something else to turn him on?
    The same thing happened to my SO. It might have been the novelty of having another person around in the beginning, but I definitely don’t think the sexual decrease is because I am in the way. AND … any marital expert will tell you that we all need new things in the bedroom to spice things up as we age, if we want to keep the sexual spark going. You and your hubby could go to the self-help section of bookstores, and look on the sex shelf.

    As to loss of libido, you are approaching your 40s, and so you’re approaching middle age. The following article is about male sexual development. They note that at about age 40, many men experience noticeable change in their sex drive and performance. The percentage will vary as you google more resources, but this is just to say that things do begin to change in middle age:

    http://www.healthline.com/health/men...xualityPhases3


    As to sexual arousal caused specifically by the crossdressing, I compare my SO’s decrease to the role of sex in romantic relationship building. I’ll explain. In the beginning, young couples’ sex lives are intense. This intensity releases brain chemicals that lead to attachment for long term bonding (love), which ensures a stable rearing environment for the young. Effectively, the heart-pounding, high intensity of earlier sexual coupling is replaced with a calmer approach and more stable attachment emotions. This article explains the chemistry involved, although it’s a bit long:

    http://www.dana.org/Cerebrum/Default.aspx?id=39351

    But, if a person’s early sexual intensity is also associated with something else like the self-arousing act of crossdressing, why wouldn’t the same brain chemical reactions occur, over time moving from sexually intense experiences to a calmer, bonded experience. You’ll find a lot of CD members here who will say that although the CDing was sexually stimulating when they were younger, it morphed over time to feelings of calmness and stress-relief. A lot of CDers will just say that it feels right to dress, not unlike an attached couple who have been together for years, feel at odds when one partner is absent.
    Reine

  14. #14
    New Member Veronica's wife's Avatar
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    Hey all and thanks for so much great feedback! I'd love to hear from both GG:s and CDers or anyone who feels they have something to add really. I don't come on the internet so often outside the office, so I don't have much time to reply so quickly, but I will read through all the responses. Thank you for taking the time and being so kind and sharing your experiences and thoughts with me. It helps more than I can express! I'll get back as I can

    [SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

    Quote Originally Posted by Nikkilovesdresses View Post
    Hi and welcome VW.

    I'm puzzled- is his libido in general diminishing, or just when he's crossdressed?

    If the latter, then it sounds like the CD-as-turn-on novelty's worn off, nothing more complicated than that.

    But if it's the former, it would seem to have far greater implications for your relationship, though sex is more important for some people than others. Either way, only talking with him is going to answer your question.
    No, the libido is intact otherwise. So far we have quite matching sex drives - we go at it about 2-3 times a week, and it'¨s usually very satisfying and fun, and sometimes it's more like "can we just have a quickie tonight, I'm too tired to go elaborate but I don't want to miss out" ... So it's just how turned on he seems by the dressing and whether or not he wants to have sex dressed, and if so what kind of sex.

  15. #15
    Silver Member Tina_gm's Avatar
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    Dressing has never been a sexual thing for me. I honestly do not know how I would do if I was dressed TBH. My wife has made it very clear there would be no intimacy that way, but I never felt like that was an oh darn kinda thing anyway. Dressing for me is just a relaxing feeling.
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  16. #16
    Female Illusionist! docrobbysherry's Avatar
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    I am what they call a "fetsh dresser" here, Wife. Because sex has always been a big part of dressing for me. I have been dressing for nearly 20 years. And, it's not all about sex for me anymore. And, as Reine said, my sex dressing has become much more complicated than when I first began. When just sliding on nylons excited me. Of course, I'm also 70 now. Which I'm sure has something to do with it.

    I'm not dating now. But, I have over the past 20 years. When I was sexually involved with a woman, my dressing went on the back burner. That may be what's up with your SO?
    U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.

    Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!

  17. #17
    Senior Member Lori Kurtz's Avatar
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    You've been offered some wonderful advice here, much of which I agree with. The only thing I would add is this. He is a lucky guy to have a wife who is so accepting, considerate and sensitive. I'm sure you value the openness that you share with him, too. If either of you starts to feel like there are things that are too scary to discuss, that could become a barrier between you. If things have changed in the sexual activities you share with him, he already knows it. As long as you can include the message that "I still love you no matter how we share our love together," I think it's better to talk about what's going on than to let it become some kind of a taboo to be feared.

  18. #18
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    Maybe you need to be the man and take charge and allow him to be the woman and see how it goes.

  19. #19
    Member Cara Lacey's Avatar
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    Hi,
    I cannot speak for your husband, but I will give you a little insight to myself.
    When I cross-dressed as a younger man, I would always get an erection and very sexually excited.
    But after the first time I went out fully dressed one Halloween, those feelings disappeared.

    I no longer get sexually excited when I dress, but I do enjoy women's clothing and cross-dress a few times every week.
    Cara

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