Consequences of being outed.

[Traceyjo]

Although there are lots of stories in the forum of girls who have been in the closet being caught out and finding that the consequences weren't as dire as may have been anticipated , the only concern I have about my dressing is that it could happen to me and the outcome would be disastrous.
I am a professional person and very well known in our small town. I have a lot of good male friends mainly through regular contact in sport.
I dress regularly at home when my wife is away which is something she accepts and she is the only other person who knows about my femme persona. I do go out for walks at night and I also have lots of pics on the internet so there is always a risk I will be outed. If I was it would be likely that the word would spread quickly.
I just can't imagine going to work or meeting up with my mates after that, I would feel that I would have to leave town and move to somewhere I was not known.
Do any of you have stories of being in a similar situation to me and being found out.
I realise that the main problem would be how I felt rather than what everyone else was thinking about me but I don't know how I would overcome that.
At this stage I'm just convincing myself that I will never have to face this situation and enjoying my dressing more than ever.

xxxx
Tracey

[Mykaa]

My Attorney told me one 1 time there are always consequences for every action, My best advice I can give is try to be prepared. I go out with clothing on that can be hard to tell, I dont try to hide who I am, I have been out with high heeled western boots on, I have probly been noticed but the boots werent notice apparently when Ive run into someone Ive known, 3 1/2 inches taller had a possibility I thought, shrugs.
I wish you well on your journey Tracey, something I thought of recently, "We all have our own path to walk" I posted that on my FB page, what I didnt say is "part of mine is in heels"...

[Krisi]

Tracey, you are being realistic. Some people on this forum are not. They give advice but they don't have to suffer the consequences of following that advice. Maybe they are in a far different situation than you, unmarried with no real career and living in an area full of transients.

If I were you (and I feel the same way you do), I would be very careful not to let my "hobby" out to anyone who doesn't need to know about it. That would probably be your wife and only your wife.

I would reconsider the walks at night because women typically don't go for walks at night and you could be suspected of being a prostitute by the police.

What I do for "out" time is leave the house underdressed, change somewhere in the car and then walk in broad daylight in a nearby city among the business people and tourists. A shopping mall works as well. Dress to fit in, wear sunglasses if appropriate.

I can't give you any real stories about being caught because I have followed the advice I have posted here.

[Rhonda Darling]

Tracey:

You might want to readh out to Donnagirl on this site. She is a sister Aussie and may have a good perspective and advice for you.

Best,
Rhonda

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Krisi's advice is good common sense.

You state clearly " ...the outcome would be disastrous". If you really mean that, then I think you need to be a lot more careful.

Don't underestimate Tracey's desire to out herself, regardless of the consequences. She may be quite happy to leave town and start afresh. Just be very sure that you and she are in sync and that she isn't plotting a mutiny.

[Sara Jessica]

One way to approach how you are feeling is to get your head around completely owning it should you be somehow outed. Instead of thinking of a need for an exit strategy including uprooting to another town (which won't change the narrative back where you came from), plan on facing it head-on in the unlikely event you are found out.

[Rhonda Jean]

I was outed by a vindictive ex. I'm lucky so far that I can't tell that it's spread beyond her friends, but once it's out it's probably only a matter of time. I'm also lucky that all I lost was friends, and I did move. I know the excitement of being daring/careless with your secret. You already know that that's not smart. I also don't post or share pics anymore. Not anywhere. Your analysis of risk/reward is skewed by the thrill. Unless you're ready to own it like some suggest, it's not worth it. But, you already know that, too. It's too easy to just go out of town. You could still get caught, but the odds are extremely diminished. Time to exercise a little control.

[Amy Lynn3]

Tracey, I offer the same advise Krisi gave you, however, I have a twist. Like you I was in a hi profile job with many macho friends. I never got caught out dressed, but I did by a room full of my macho friends, while under dressed. One guy saw the bra I had on under my shirt and another felt of the straps. I did not die and the word never spread outside those few. People have more to do that attempt to tell others about what you wear. Even if they told someone I work for all I need do is say... really ? Those guys thought my back supporter was a bra ?

Those guys never talked to me about it and I went back to the same group of guys the next day and continued to hang out with them. That happened about 15 years ago and I went on to retire from my job and to this day if word got around my small town, I have no clue about it.

Fear is not good company for us cder's, but we have it, because of the obvious. We have been conditioned from childhood, it is wrong to wear female attire.

[ReineD]

Like you, my SO takes care to not be obvious about the CDing in our town. If it were known, it would cause a lot of gossip. Some people might shrug their shoulders and develop a "whatever" attitude, but others might wish to keep their distance and this might affect my SO professionally and socially.

But. I outed my SO to my brother years and years ago, who lives in a different country. He is my only sibling. This was during a difficult time in my relationship with my SO and since my brother and I were close, I felt I could talk to him. His reaction was not at all what I had expected. He did not take kindly to the fact. My SO and I have been together for a number of years now, and eventually my brother did meet my SO with positive results. We all went out for dinner together and had a pleasant time. However, my brother and I are no longer close and so I don't know what he really thinks about it all. My brother and I simply don't talk about it and if we all lived in the same town, I don't know how close he would be to my SO.

[NylonMan]

You are very correct to be worried. I am a very secretive CD. My ex wife and my current GF are the only ones that know. My ex is very vindictive and outed me to her friends and a lot of our mutual friends, her family and even some of my family members and my kids. I was devastated and I lost quite a few friends. No one confronted me, but they just stopped communication. I am very careful not to leave things lying around, as I know that my kids are looking for proof to validate what my ex told them. To my ex it was an excuse as to why she cheated on me and eventually left me.

Trust is what it's all about. In the wrong hands, the truth can be a disaster.

[Alice Torn]

It is wise to be very careful. If my brother or sister found out, or their neighbor down the road found out, all would know, and my dad would know, and my brother in prison would know, and it would spread all around this small town area. I would get constant ridiculing letters from the prison, and constant cruel ridicule form my family, and some others who know me and them. I would have to move to another area, if i could find the money.

[Stephanie47]

It's all about risk vs reward. Is it worth it? For you? How about a spouse? Word spreads and not only the guy, but, also his wife loses standing in the community and friends. Even in my State of Washington with all its legal protections for gays, lesbians, trans men and women, and cross-dressers, legal protection does not confer acceptance.

If you are concerned about the unintended consequences of cross-dressing, play away from home.

[Mykaa]

You are very correct to be worried. I am a very secretive CD. My ex wife and my current GF are the only ones that know. My ex is very vindictive and outed me to her friends and a lot of our mutual friends, her family and even some of my family members and my kids. I was devastated and I lost quite a few friends. No one confronted me, but they just stopped communication. I am very careful not to leave things lying around, as I know that my kids are looking for proof to validate what my ex told them. To my ex it was an excuse as to why she cheated on me and eventually left me.

Trust is what it's all about. In the wrong hands, the truth can be a disaster.

I know exactly this situation all to well, only my Ex did tell my oldest and had my child look for things. I know this for a fact as my kid told the G.A.L. and the GAL told me what was said, the whole situation blew up in my ex's face but it doesnt change the estranged relation between my kid and me; I won the court situation but it was very costly, both financially and otherwise.

[Robin414]

I'd say a big consequence is the fact you can't "un ring a bell" - Blue Orchid

Once you come out to people you know, you know, they know, and they'll continue to know...for...like...a long time (maybe even months 'n stuff! 😧 )

😉

[Tracii G]

Always use caution only you know your situation.
I don't hide who I am to my guy friends and yes I have one group of very macho guy friends.
They just think I'm a quirky I guess so I leave it at that.

[summerbunny]

Lose your job,lose your friends, get kicked out of church,get made fun of,people start assuming your gay then gay discrimination, eggs thrown at you, denied for promotion, refusal to give you recommendations for college scholarships and Master are PhD programs. Refuse to hire you. Alienate you. Family disown you,destruction of female and are male attire.divorce.ridicule.
There is a story Jenner is helping with about a university graduate not being accepted into a nursing program even though they are a honor student.if they were stealth then they might not have as many issues.

My short list above.

Long list takes too long.
I like to do on a need to know basis are if i think it will improve a relationship.

[heatherdress]

Tracey - In addition to the words of caution offered by everyone so far, I would also suggest that you rethink the many pictures you have on the internet. Why would you add that unnecessary risk - "lots of pics"? I don't know where you have your pictures posted but I suggest that you be very careful. People have been identified by pictures discovered on their cell phones or web sites left open on their computers. If you are posting a lot of pictures then you must also be taking a lot of pictures and storing them somewhere. Be careful.

[Diversity]

Hi Tracy,
I totally understand how you feel, but someone on this site wrote 'just own it', and it stuck with me. So much so that these three words, made me decide to 'own my feelings and actions'. It gave me the courage to go out fully en-femme only just about an hour ago. Please see my post which I just published several minutes ago.
Don't be embarrassed for actions you take in which you are being true to yourself. If you can make yourself 'own it' and you believe in it, you will gain the courage to live your life the way you want to live it. Easier said than done, I know, but after years of building up to the point I reached tonight, I found these three words, got me over the line.
I wish you good luck!
Di

[flatlander_48]

People have more to do that attempt to tell others about what you wear.

The things is, you might not know who is jealous of you or feels that they were hard done by you. As opposed to a purposeful coming out, when you're outed by someone else you no longer have the narrative. The message goes out in a way that you cannot control.

DeeAnn

[OCCarly]

I work in a very liberal profession in Southern California. I have at least two openly gay colleagues (that I can think of off the top of my head) which I am close friends with, and there is an "out" transgender who is a friend of a friend. I know her to say hi to but not to talk to. In my line of work you will lose more friends for being Republican than you will for being LGBT. So I am not worried about being outed work wise. I might lose a few clients, but I will gain others courtesy of new connections within the LGBT community.

The only reason I am mostly in the closet is, I have projected a macho image for a lot of years (well more of a bantam rooster image, given my size) and my wife is worried about the gossip if her family, friends or neighbors find out about me. The crazy thing is, one of her closest friends is gay, one of her brothers is gay, another of her siblings are transgender. But because my wife is worried about the talk and the fallout, I am literally trapped within an image that I created when I was in denial about being transgender.

I never worried about people talking. People are going to talk no matter what you do. Frankly, being fully out would be a huge relief. Then I could fully transition and get on with my life.

[Teresa]

Tracey,
The are so many variables in your CDing , if you really can't live with being closeted the pressure is too much and eventually you have to come out, as happened to me . I guess if you have thoughts about being TS it will happen eventually anyway.
A good compromise maybe to find a social group to attend, it works well for me, I travel about forty miles so it's out of my area. It does relieve the pressure to be able to dress as you please and meet other CDers, it gives some meaning to your shopping trips , I find putting outfits together a lot of fun.

[Traceyjo]

Wow, I'm overwhelmed by the response to my post and all the heartfelt and realistic advice, Thank you all so much. I'm very grateful.
Obviously the overiding theme of your counsel is that I should be more careful and be prepared to face the reactions if I am outed. I don't have the need to come out of the closet . I have amazing pleasure and satisfaction from my current circumstances and that does tend to lead me to take risks. You've made it clear that my fears of being found out are realistic and I will be taking more care from now on.
What a wonderful group we belong to. This experience has made me appreciate that more than ever.
Many, many thanks to you all