Whatever drives your CDing inside you know deep down that it has to move forward, we don't always know why .There's a mystery or hidden goal that has a desire for more, it's immaterial whether a partner is on board or not. Some members have the good fortune to have a partner that loves them enough to support them through their CDing life, many like me do not .
I began to think about the question of living a double life and how much am I enjoying it ? I was in the closet from when I married with so many other things going on in my life I snatched moments when I could , yes the sexual side did come into it. Maybe I should call it the twenty year cycle, because like many I desperately wanted to come out and share it with my wife in my forties. Coming out happened but sharing didn't, I guess from that point my double life really started , dressing far more and taking pictures mostly in my wife's clothes. That progressed steadily until the next twenty year cycle hit in my early sixties,this time I really needed to stop all the hiding, the cheating and lies and be totally open . I finally accepted that counselling had to happen , all this time my wife wasn't really on board so counselling had to happen alone. The first sessions were to assess my state of mind and determine that I no longer had self harm tendencies, I passed through that period when I came out to my wife , almost ending my life twenty years before.
The second sessions were to help me with my gender issues , they ended prematurely through budget cuts but were enough to determine that I was on the male side of TS with female traits. All this was taking place without discussing very much with my wife, she told me at the time that it was my problem and had to sort it out for myself. Most of what I knew about myself had to stay inside me and yet I was beginning to realise that my CDing needs were a bigger part of me than I thought and big changes would have to happen.
I eventually put all this in writing and asked my wife to read it , the bottom line was if she couldn't live with the Cding level I was at would it be better if we parted because I couldn't deny my true feelings any more. We realised the hurt that we would both suffer was too much , walking away from forty years of marriage and all that entails .
So now I'm living two separate lives , the events leading up to finally getting out the door and meeting other CDers has meant being open in retail and charity shops , the fun I've had with them . Having makeup assessments done and being made up , asking for female glasses at the opticians and then have the SA come out to me. Having a great relationship with a seamstress , who even gave me one of her dresses.
So far the fears we all have of the , " What if ?" haven't happened not one person has had a problem , it really is an enjoyable time I'm having with my CDing but at home with my wife that life stops , as much as I would love to share my happiness I can't, the other side of my life has to take over.
So asking my own question , am I enjoying my double life ? I shouldn't be because of withholding so much from her, I don't want to do that but I don't have a choice. Members talk about their joint shopping trips being so enjoyable, some partner them to the social evenings, do I want that ? Truthfully no , I don't think my wife would change that much to allow me the freedom to have the same fun !
I make it sound that the rest of my life isn't fun, to be truthful it could be better, the ideal would be total openness so my happiness filled all my life.
I guess I'll just have to be patient and see and hope !
Maybe others would now like to reflect on their double lives !