Do you enjoy your double life ?

[Teresa]

Whatever drives your CDing inside you know deep down that it has to move forward, we don't always know why .There's a mystery or hidden goal that has a desire for more, it's immaterial whether a partner is on board or not. Some members have the good fortune to have a partner that loves them enough to support them through their CDing life, many like me do not .
I began to think about the question of living a double life and how much am I enjoying it ? I was in the closet from when I married with so many other things going on in my life I snatched moments when I could , yes the sexual side did come into it. Maybe I should call it the twenty year cycle, because like many I desperately wanted to come out and share it with my wife in my forties. Coming out happened but sharing didn't, I guess from that point my double life really started , dressing far more and taking pictures mostly in my wife's clothes. That progressed steadily until the next twenty year cycle hit in my early sixties,this time I really needed to stop all the hiding, the cheating and lies and be totally open . I finally accepted that counselling had to happen , all this time my wife wasn't really on board so counselling had to happen alone. The first sessions were to assess my state of mind and determine that I no longer had self harm tendencies, I passed through that period when I came out to my wife , almost ending my life twenty years before.
The second sessions were to help me with my gender issues , they ended prematurely through budget cuts but were enough to determine that I was on the male side of TS with female traits. All this was taking place without discussing very much with my wife, she told me at the time that it was my problem and had to sort it out for myself. Most of what I knew about myself had to stay inside me and yet I was beginning to realise that my CDing needs were a bigger part of me than I thought and big changes would have to happen.
I eventually put all this in writing and asked my wife to read it , the bottom line was if she couldn't live with the Cding level I was at would it be better if we parted because I couldn't deny my true feelings any more. We realised the hurt that we would both suffer was too much , walking away from forty years of marriage and all that entails .
So now I'm living two separate lives , the events leading up to finally getting out the door and meeting other CDers has meant being open in retail and charity shops , the fun I've had with them . Having makeup assessments done and being made up , asking for female glasses at the opticians and then have the SA come out to me. Having a great relationship with a seamstress , who even gave me one of her dresses.
So far the fears we all have of the , " What if ?" haven't happened not one person has had a problem , it really is an enjoyable time I'm having with my CDing but at home with my wife that life stops , as much as I would love to share my happiness I can't, the other side of my life has to take over.

So asking my own question , am I enjoying my double life ? I shouldn't be because of withholding so much from her, I don't want to do that but I don't have a choice. Members talk about their joint shopping trips being so enjoyable, some partner them to the social evenings, do I want that ? Truthfully no , I don't think my wife would change that much to allow me the freedom to have the same fun !

I make it sound that the rest of my life isn't fun, to be truthful it could be better, the ideal would be total openness so my happiness filled all my life.
I guess I'll just have to be patient and see and hope !

Maybe others would now like to reflect on their double lives !

[Rachelakld]

My double life is weired.
I can be whoever I want at home, unless we are expecting visitors or I need a quick place to hid & change for the unexpected visitors.
Outside, I can also be whoever I want, unless it's with my wife, as apparently "everyone" knows her (well I would say it's closer to 600 of the 2 million in this area)

For me, this life has been a great experiance, way better than most humans are currently having and probably better than the next 10 generations will have.

[S. Lisa Smith]

I lead a strange double life. I love my Lisa side but I also love my other side. My wife knows about Lisa (well about my crossdressing, but not my actual name). She is supportive in that she will purchase things for me if I don't have time to get them, gives me Lisa time, and does some light sewing. She does not want to meet Lisa or do things with Lisa. I'd love to go shopping with her as Lisa (we have shopped together when I've purchased things that Lisa uses) and for her to go to Keystone. I don't think that will happen. She understands that I wouldn't be me without Lisa and she is fine with that. We joke about my crossdressing sometimes.

Where am I on the gender spectrum? I ran into a new to me term at Keystone that describes me, I think. I am gender fluid. I take that to mean that I am a person with male feelings and actions who also morphs into Lisa, a person with female feelings and actions. I am not one or the other, I'm both but at different times (although I have Lisa peaking through even when I'm that male person).

Where does that leave me? Well, I'm a happy person most of the time. I love being Lisa and I love being the male me. I wish all of you peace and joy!!!

[Tina_gm]

I guess you could call it that. TBH, I feel it is among the tougher parts of being TG. This IS my choice ultimately though, I could live without restriction, and face whatever consequences from my wife, family, kids, work and friends. I know it wouldn't all be bad, but some of it would. I would likely end my marriage if I was to completely open up to everyone and dress whenever I felt the desire to. I do get frustrated with this at times. In the back of my mind, I am often wondering the what ifs. What if I had not created the male only life everyone knows... what if I did decide to out myself and dress whenever I please. I wonder if my life would be better or worse.

[Tonya Rose]

Teresa, Im really sorry for your bad luck.... I really wish your SO could accept you for who you are!!! You are a wonderful person GF!And I am glad to see you here with your positive outlook here on this forum... I just love your input GF! Your so positive! Huge Huggs!!!! Tonya!!!!!!

[Dana44]

The double life for me is fun and I'm sure that regular people do not have the rich experiences that go with it. I am excited that we are going to Las Vegas and I will be fem for the entire week. We do go out here to movies and dinner mostly and sometimes shopping as two gals. But this double life is shared with my SO. It is so fun to have someone to share it with. This summer we will go to the lake and parks, hope to be dressed for those also. But we hide it from friends though.

[MissDanielle]

This is why I want to find somebody who will love and accept me for me.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Teresa, It's great having the best of both worlds.

[sometimes_miss]

Whatever drives your CDing inside you know deep down that it has to move forward,

Uhhh, no. It doesn't have to 'move forward'. If you get the feeling that it must, then you need to reevaluate your situation, maybe talk to a therapist.

[Alice Torn]

It has to be tougher being married with kids. I have been single all my life, and do live a double life, like a double agent. the church i com mitted to back in 1981, condemns dressing in womens clothes, so, i cannot tell anyone. I did open up to one person, and she does not like it, but has a son who is gay and married a man. She did tell several other church members, and they despise me for dressing, told me i must quit. i stopped attending 8 yrs ago. Though i believe 99% of what they believe, I cannot simply quit dressing. If my family of origin found out, it would be hell for me here, so if i go out, it is quite far from here. I sometimes do not feel like dressing for weeks, but when the strong desire hits, i go a few days, then stop again. I can see where i may become so ill, or injured, that i may stop, or become homeless and hungry, or in prison, would cause me to quit, and death would really make me quit! HOWEVER, i am only a part time crossdresser, and the vast majority of my double life is as my guy self. The lady side is three to five times a month fully dolled up. Just panties or pantyhose several times a week. i SHOULD LIKE THE DOUBLE LIFE MORE, but am aware of serious embarrassment and persecution if found out.

[jeank]

Wouldn't it be so much easier if there was a simple answer.

Balancing the happiness of a long term partner who has shared all the ups and downs with you and now has to face something which they may tolerate, but are unlikely to see as something which is a positive is a tough call. It's why I remain in the closet.

I'm feeling for you. I guess we all have to find our own way through it, and I don't have the answer. I'd love to be able to be completely open, but it would not bring us closer. I know she'd work with me on it, but it would not be something she would be comfortable with, so....

It's a dilemma I've been struggling with for a long time. Much as I'd love to have the freedom to express my CD side, to date I can't see it as a net gain to our relationship, so I haven't tried. It's not something that can go away. So I remain very limited in the times I have to indulge myself.

It all comes back to compromise and that is rarely the ideal result, but may be the only option.

Wishing you the best on this one.

Sometimes the middle way is the only option.

.

[Judy-Somthing]

Hello Teresa,

I haven't really thought about it till now.

The first thing that came to mind is that when I look at my photos of Judy I see someone else who I share my life with and I like her very much.

It's like living two life's.

[michellechong]

I felt happy and relaxed in the form of Michelle but once I changed back to my male persona, the fear of being discovered by family members pressurised me to the extend that push me to purge. To me, leading a double life is both painful and stressful. Given a choice, I would rather lead a normal life i.e. either in my male persona or Michelle forever.

[Justina]

I would say I'm happy yes, even though I have to hide it very well sort of. All happy though.

[josrphine]

Hi Teresa, Yes I lead a double life, but I have also a third that I have to deal with. My wife who I have lived with for 10 yrs has just come out that she is an alcoholic, an as such she has many different lives. I am very proud that she is working very hard at being sober, but I have the feeling that she dose not need me anymore. We are going thru a very tuff time in out being together. She loves me more as a women then a man so WHAT is the problem. I have met a very good consular an my first meeting was very positive. I have seen on hear ,that we need these consular and my third life is now open to this person. I like you Teresa an maybe many more have put our C Ding life together. Our s/o or wife accepts us in that mode and every thing is going great an BANG we are now dealing with what ever . Thank you for opening up this line of thinking for me it fills another question for me. Jo

[CarlaWestin]

I absolutely enjoy my double life. I'm out to my wife and daughter. Daughter (not living with me) thinks it's fabulous and very high on cool factor. Wife is DADT. I get nice daily immersions in Carla time that almost satisfy the feminine desire. (Notice I said almost.) And I'm also comfortable with the male side.

And that male side constantly thinks about being female.

[Natasha V]

[QUOTE=S. Lisa Smith;3917786]I lead a strange double life. I love my Lisa side but I also love my other side. My wife knows about Lisa (well about my crossdressing, but not my actual name). She is supportive in that she will purchase things for me if I don't have time to get them, gives me Lisa time, and does some light sewing. She does not want to meet Lisa or do things with Lisa. I'd love to go shopping with her as Lisa (we have shopped together when I've purchased things that Lisa uses) and for her to go to Keystone. I don't think that will happen. She understands that I wouldn't be me without Lisa and she is fine with that. We joke about my crossdressing sometimes.

Where am I on the gender spectrum? I ran into a new to me term at Keystone that describes me, I think. I am gender fluid. I take that to mean that I am a person with male feelings and actions who also morphs into Lisa, a person with female feelings and actions. I am not one or the other, I'm both but at different times (although I have Lisa peaking through even when I'm that male person).

Wow, This is exactly how I feel as well. My wife enjoysaid her time with me no matter in what I present she loves me 100% and even offers to by Natasha goods and we love to have fun with dressing and picture taking.
I wouldn't change anything in my life.

[Andrea_cd]

A double life , yes I suppose it is , 7months of counseling and a wife who finally doesnt think i want to be a woman all the time , I sleep most nights in panties and nitey or tshirt , my wife is starting to talk about my clothes around the kids which is disturbing as they do not know and my wife doesnt want them to know its a rocky road with smooth bits from time to time but its getting better slowly so i think i am enjoying it mostly

[Giselle(Oshawa)]

i hate my double life always been secretive(even though my wife of 32 years has known about giselle for 5 years now)
even though my wife is tolerant and supportive in the fact she comes to events with me i never really open up to her
about my need/compulsion to dress. i wish i was born either 100% male or female and didn't have this conflict

[heatherdress]

Teresa - It seems to me that you are OK with yourself and your life, and that your wife may be doing the best she can to accommodate who you are. I am glad your admissions did not result with an end to a 40 year marriage. You probably have achieved the best you could have hoped for.

I think you have now done everything possible and should not continue to beat yourself up for failing to disclose your crossdressing growth and desires in the past. You have told her everything at this point and she can accept only what she can accept. You know your wife better than anyone. Maybe that is why you did not confide in her years earlier.

I am glad you have done what you had to do, glad that you and your wife are still together, glad that you seem to be happy and fulfilled.

[PaulaQ]

I hated living a double life, hiding who I was from everyone in my life. I felt like a prisoner, locked in solitary confinement. I trusted no one, really. I let no one be very close to me. I felt disconnected from others, lonely, alienated.

In some ways this was better after I came out, but I hated juggling two identities.

Now, I have but one life - MY life. I'm Paula Ellis in all aspects of my life. I'm open, transparent, I have nothing to hide anymore.

Teresa, you shouldn't feel guilty that you do things you don't share with your wife. That really is her choice. I can see being sad she won't share this with you or let you be more open with her. But that's her choice, not yours.

[phili]

Hi Teresa,
I had to realize that cross-dressing and its correlative feelings is a lot like an addiction and that is what makes it an affliction. As a sexual secret, it also demands that our wives create double lives as well, which isn't fun- and can be a lousy burden, so no wonder my wife just wants it all to go away. I'm holding out fora good resolution, since society is moving fast towards transgender acceptance, and that helps a lot of people get over the initial hump of sexual uncertainty.

I did make an effort to tell my wife before we married 28 years ago, but keeping it bottled up tight and focusing on childraising led to her forgetting it, and recently when I said I really have to explore this, she was really psychologically shocked. I'll say more about my strategy to keep us moving forward on the SO acceptance sticky board, but as of now we have an uneasy DADT truce. Fortunately we live where I can go out in public in a skirt or dress, and even with my beard it is accepted.

I am happy with the double life - outside the home- in that I am taking my free days to go and experience being free in my gender expression. The fact that most people here around San Francisco Bay are tolerant, and fine with me expressing myself this way, has really helped me feel more emotionally whole. Wonderfully, I am much more relaxed and be able to respond to her fears and confusion with grace and good humor. I am an idealist, so I plan to slowly make an example of myself to try to broaden the niche of acceptance for gender non conformity, and nullifying the 'sexual secret' part of this. Having that positive social goal really takes the edge off with respect to not being able to be free to dress or act in feminine ways with my wife.

I am happy with the double life - inside the home- in that I feel I am growing a lot - trying to really see myself from her perspective and letting love for her motivate me to look beyond trying to meet my own needs in the first way I think I have to. I am trying to be experimental, and was really surprised to find that my cotton men's bikini underwear were actually more comfy and felt just as delightful under a skirt as my favorite women's panties. I have been enjoying another result of letting myself feel completely feminine - I can keep the feeling even in men's clothes. Not too surprising a result- since women already do this, but it helps me spend more time in men's clothing without feeling trapped or limited. I put effort during those times into attending to her more- as a woman might, and seeing how to do that without adopting femme flourishes is a reasonable compromise. I am beginning to think that this gradual change in my behavior will create a new and stronger emotional relationship to where she will find herself accepting the superficial things like clothing as unimportant, where today their symbolism is still too important, and crowding out the true basis of relationship.

We've agreed hat we married each other for life, and to that degree she knows at some level that our marriage meeting her needs can't exclude meeting mine as well. I think long married couples frequently grow to accommodate unshared activities, and the older we get the less it matters what others think.



Phil

[Lily Catherine]

At this point in time I lead a less-than glamorous double life, if only because it makes more sense to sign off and respond to the name Lilian here. I don't like it myself, but it's the closest thing to a status quo I am willing to sustain in the here and now.

As much as I want to share this part of me with a number of people in my inner circle, I'm just as uncomfortable with shackling them with an unnecessary burden. If they need not know, I would rather not openly tell them unless they ask. Thus far, those whom I am out to have had been exposed to crossdressing before in one way or another - that includes my family despite their NIMBY attitude. I try not to separate the rest of myself from this part of me, but physical manifestation is the limiting factor.

I would also rather not this pleasure be guilty either. And the inevitable hiding would be largely counterproductive to that as well. I still get by with hiding it away, but I don't feel it's a way forward in the long term.

[JeanTG]

To me, leading a double life is both painful and stressful. Given a choice, I would rather lead a normal life i.e. either in my male persona or Michelle forever.

I feel exactly the same way. I hate the "double life". If my wife was a full participant in my being femme, I would no doubt feel different. But otherwise I'm so petrified of going too far and hurting her.

[Tracii G]

I enjoy both sides of me very much.
I think of it as the best of both worlds.
I can be gentle and rough and tumble if need be.