how to integrate both sides?

[lucaluca]

how do you integrate both sides, the masculine and the feminine?

i am pretty lucky for a cd in realtion to my body. i am 5,5 feet, i weigh 112 pounds and have a very daintily structure.
a few years ago there was a time where i only wore female clothes. nothing too feminine like dresses or skirts. it was all very androgynous, but people still thought a lot of times that i am a woman. for example when i wanted to go to the public bathroom the charwoman always told me that i was entering the wrong room (i was going to the mens bathroom ). but after two years it was too exhausting for me. men thought i was weak and women weren't interested in me. after that time i started to dress more masculine and even started lifting some weights. i am still not very muscular, but more than before.
it is "funny" how different people treat me now.

i like both "lifestyles". but i feel so torn back and forth! for me it is extremely exhausting to have those two feelings. some days i feel very masculine and some days i feel very feminine. i want to feel complete and not torn!

[Kate Simmons]

You can integrate all of your feelings but you have to get to know your whole self first. Then you have to admit you have these feelings and take full ownership of them. This is what I did and now I can be any part of myself at any given time according to choice. Talking to someone may be helpful as well. Good luck.

[Mykaa]

Lucaluca I have a similar build, Im taller but still light, I decided recently Im ok with me being me, I mix male/female clothing all the time. 1 of my best friends here who knows about me cding has seen me with what I wear out, he says I look well dressed, he may be bias though lol, cause he cd's to at least some degree too, lol. But hey, you know what? Im ok with what I wear and I also decided if it looks good on me, why not? Yes I do pick androgynous clothing, but I know and its enough to make me happy. I let go of the bad feelings cycle. Never again. I know opening up and talking has helped me a lot. I love bootcut jeans with a western boot. I also found recently I like womens puma sneakers, I have skinny jeans. I can wear size 2 long if that tells you anything. Ya Im built male but very small I wear large in womens tops. The best advice I know to give is try to find balance and decide what makes you happy.

[CarlaWestin]

Luca, if you just "fall in" to appearing to be female then, just enjoy it. I can only imagine how female you could be in full makeup and dress.
I view your androgyny as a nice gift.

[PattyT]

You sound like a Gemini (like me). As Kate said, you have to know yourself first. You have to decide whether one side of you might be stronger, the masculine or the feminine, and act accordingly. They might be equal and then you can be a part time CD, as some on this list seem to be. I also tried the androgynous look for a while but it just didn't work out. This seems to work out well for some people on this list, but it can be a bit confusing. Could this be part of your problem? You are neither here or there. When I finally started dressinng all out, I found my real self. You do seem to be a CD and perhaps need to find out what kind you are. You might want to try going out dressed up fully en femme. Carefuly choose the style of feminie clothing you like. Don't worry so much how others around view you or treat you when you go out. If you dress tastefully and behave pleasantly, you should be OK. This might help you decide just how strong your feminine side is.
You can certainly spend most of your time in "masculine" mode if you need to, but let your self go in a feminine mode from time to time.
I too wish you the best of luck.

[phili]

Hi lucaluca,
I've been working on this really hard for 6 months and I second Kate's comment that the starting point is feeling good about yourself and doing what feels right in terms of clothing and behavior. The point is for people to know you and the more clear and relaxed you can be about being yourself the more quickly people who can be your friends or lovers will find you.

When you say 'women' aren't interested in you, be sure to accurately say 'these particular women'- and then you will see that it is completely normal for a set of women not to be interested in a particular man. But there are a lot of women out there, and many looking just for you. They are not going to care if you are dainty, just about who you are spiritually- honest, caring, thoughtful, creative, etc.

Being genderfluid is a big positive, and represents the way most people feel to some degree already, if they were to look inward just a bit. I thought I had to choose, but I realized the simple thing is to be masculine and feminine as you feel it. It turns out to be much easier!

Phil

[Dana44]

Lucaluca, I am gender fluid, I do work out as i have a small frame but I'm taller. Now at my age I do get-fit and yoga to maintain my body. I have long hair, earrings, But I run male and fem when I can. Try to find a mix.
I would also look for a female. They are a plenty and they make more every day. I know that there is a lot of women that would want you. But you must look for them. I had plenty though life but now have a five foot two gal that loves me as I am.
Even though you are small, there is a girl out there for you. Just try to find that balance and enjoy each side of you. From your comment it seems that you are gender fluid as we do go through the same thing. We like our male side and love our feminine side.

[Nadine Spirit]

I got tired of the ups and downs. I got really tired of being pulled into two different directions. So..... I began to be more gender non-conforming full time. I paint my nails, I wear female jewelry, I wear female smelling lotions, I carry a female wallet, occasionally I carry a purse, occasionally I wear various female clothing items, like jeans, all while presenting as a male. Only a few times per month will I fully cross dress and present as a woman. To me..... it is the distinction of how I am choosing to present, male or female, regardless of what other cross gender thing I am doing. Understanding that I am truly a mix of genders, first and foremost, and then presenting that way to the world, has helped me to feel much more of a whole person. I understand that I am not of two things, but of one. It's just that the one I am has elements of traditional masculinity and femininity.

I am not the male me at times, and then the female me at other times, I am just me, all the time.

Seriously..... I have no idea if that makes any sense at all to anyone but me...... but it's how I feel. Take it for what it is worth.

[Tracii G]

I get really tired of the old mantra I'm so torn what do I do?
You don't HAVE to be one or the other you CAN be both.
Plenty of us here are both and just go with the flow and dress either gender, it depends on how we feel that day.
You need to come to grips with yourself first and accept you have two sides. Some can't seem to deal with this line of thought and feel they have to be one or the other.
The way to not feel torn is wear something femme while being your boy self whether it is a ring or a bracelet or girls jeans or top.

[STACY B]

Tracy,,Tracy,,Tracy,, I feel Ya ,, Ain't that Crazy,, I was just thinking about that crap today, An it does depend on what I am doing and how I feel. And that My Dear is a fact, Take from someone that knows and has been on HRT for a year,, An still go back and fourth, And allways end up somewhere in the middle? Not for FEAR, For my own state of mind and well being not anyone elses.

Folks need to do what there heart tells them,, lucaluca maybe it's time to see a therapist and move forward, Sound like you don't have far to go ,,,Not like some of us,,lol,,, Staying in limbo is no way to live that's for sure. Leads to very dangerous habits and forms of self loathing and much much more,,Trust me I know first hand,, You looking at a wasted life here as far as youth goes.

[Genifer Teal]

It sounds to me like you have the best of both worlds. perhaps you're too afraid of losing your male side. I think it's up to you to figure out what you really want and what you mean by having the best of both worlds. if you want to be Arnold Schwarzenegger go for it but don't expect to wake up the next morning and decide you want to be Heidi Klum. that's not going to happen.

[Tracii G]

The thought you have to be one or the other is where people end up being depressed and always in turmoil.
Step outside the box and ask yourself what can I do to make this work?
The people here can't decide that for you and a therapist may not be the best thing to help because there are plenty of therapists that know nothing about gender dysphoria issues.
I was just that way in the past so I do know what its like being at odds with myself.
I took a quiet time in my day and had a talk with myself and asked what do you want to do?
Weighed the pro and cons of just giving up CDing or going full time and transitioning.
I had no idea I couldn't be both it was out of my comprehension at the time.
So I decided to incorporate my female side with my male side and slowly started blending the two.

[bridget thronton]

Clothes are the easy part - they all hang in the closet and you put on what you feel like wearing for the day's events. The rest may be harder if you insist on a binary division of gender (it is easier if you allow for a spectrum of gender)

[Teresa]

Lucaluca,
I have a thread running at the moment titled, " Do you enjoy your double life ?"
Mostly we feel torn because of our partners but having feelings of TS on top is very hard to deal with without some help, I finally accepted I needed counselling, at least I know what makes me tick now and where I am on the TG spectrum. Maybe you should consider getting some help , at the moment your health does appear to be suffering and that's not going to get any better.
My wife still doesn't full understand or accept me so I have to live with this double life. The fact I accept myself does make it feel people treat you differently but that's just a case of holding your head up , smiling and not being frightened to talk to people, the fact is people won't always come to you , there is a certain amount of unfounded fear.