Am I just an old grouch ?

[Teresa]

Just to give some background during my working life I've single handed doubled the size of two homes, renovated two homes for my daughter, the same applies to my son, in fact I'm still helping with the second, also I renovated a retail shop. I'm not claiming to be unique, I'm sure other members have worked much harder but bear in mind that I was also running my photography business, mostly running on only two cylinders, two in male mode and two pulling in another direction. I have to say that I'm now mentally and physically tired of it, something has changed in me, I posted some time ago asking if I was getting lazy or something was changing.
Suddenly I hit my sixties and find the mental and strange gut feelings have revealed another side of me, it really has been a revelation that I like having a figure that can wear female clothes and feel comfortable in them, call it an obsession, pink fog all I know is a new life has appeared for me.

So where's the problem , at the moment I have thread running asking if you enjoy your double life ? There's the problem , I have three lovely grandchildren, my son has two young sons who we child mind twice a week , my wife is fairly lenient but I'm finding it harder to deal with the situation . As two boys they are fairly destructive, my wife says it's part of growing up but my garden is becoming a bomb site and the house is being trashed, we now have two cracked WCs where they have slammed the lids down, one round the rim and the other across the seat fixing holes. If I say two words I'm being an old grouse but I know who has the work of replacing them . My wife half taunting and half joking keeps asking if I want a list of all the house jobs almost as if the male straight jacket will keep me away from my CDing .
I have two lots of antidepressant prescriptions sitting in the medicine cabinet which I prefer not to take because I found the side effects more unlivable than the initial problem but the situation is driving me mad.
I feel guilty that I don't have the enthusiasm to tackle the jobs, I'm not making excuses when I say my mind has changed I'm genuinely not interested in that kind of work anymore and it's becoming harder to tackle. The double life I feel I'm living at the moment isn't helping at all, to be happy as Teresa and unhappy as Terry could change so quickly if I could integrate the two. I know I will never get back to where I was but being considered an old grouch really does hurt when it's not true .

Somewhere in my threads I usually apologise, I'm sorry I have to write this thread.

[bridget thronton]

The cracked toilets - suggest that it is not your imagination (the active boys need to be a bit more respectful of your home). I have gotten physically more tired at the end of each day - not good if I really plan on 10 more years of working.

[Amy Lynn3]

I think many people are in the same shoes, and just not men. It boils down to being over worked and under appreciated. In other words ....no reward for your labors. I think your issues can be broken in half. One is being ...having too many irons in the fire and the same things are getting on your nerves. The second thing is... to crossdress more or be Terry more. I think this is why you have the other thread running about a double life.

What I found worked for me best, is to pick one or the other to devote your energies to. Like you, I have grandchildren and I picked working on being the best grandfather I could and allowed the cding to take a backseat. Is this your answer ? I don't know. All I knew is I had to pick between being a family man or go all out in the TG direction. You know what is most important to you and will be the most rewarding in the long run.

[Teresa]

Amy ,
I know it will change as they get older, I do have a great deal to offer as a grandfather, I guess my new found happiness from another direction is more appealing at the moment, my wife knows I've been happier when I can dress and go out, it's the not accepting part for whatever her reasons that's causing the problem. I can't repeat her exact words because I broke the rules last time but in no uncertain terms she told me how brassed off she was with my attitude , When I repeated feeling the same way , I did add that if she really felt like that I could pack up and go ! She apologised an hour later but it's not an ideal situation .

[Alice Torn]

It's Ok Teresa. Life is just plain stressful these days. You have skills that i sure do not have. renovating houses and places is beyond my skills, but i do have to fix everything i have, often, like vehicles, bicycles, vacuum cleaner, radios, sewing. I am almost 62, and also finding it not at all fun anymore fixing things. Sometimes, there just is no time for CDing, because of tasks, too tired. i am grouchy too, a lot, and i agree about anti-depressents. They sometimes make one more depressed, and drousy. It sounds like you really have your plate full, and then some! But, i applaud you for all the accomplishments you have done, and still do. It sounds like a little vacation might be in order. I could use some time away from my tiny place, and my difficult taxing family, too. Watching the grandsons is work, too. Maybe voice your concerns to the wife. Just sharing. i don't know it all. i hope sometime you can get away fromit all for a little while.

[docrobbysherry]

Teresa, it was too late for me in my marriage, hopefully it isn't for u.

First, the kids u mind should be sat down and given a list of rules. If they violate them, there must be consequences. Your SO must be on board with these, too. Otherwise, explain to your son u aren't babysitting anymore.

U must put your foot down with your SO. Not about CDing, but everything. U have to tell her what you've told us. And, explain how it and she is effecting your attitude. Just telling her will lift a load off u! Next, discuss the changes u would like in your "arrangement" so that u can enjoy her and your life more.

She may give it a try or tell u to forget about it, like mine did. Because I put my foot down too late. My ex wasn't having anything but her way or the hiway. So, it was the hiway for us. But, maybe it won't be for u 2?

[Mollyanne]

Ah yes, I find your situation almost the same as mine. I too have fixed, renovated, restored and just plain paid in not only cash but in patience as well. I HAVE ENFORCED THE RULE SO TO SPEAK AND HAVE PAID THE PRICE FOR IT. But if the grandkids don't have respect for my property why would they respect some one else's.

Molly

[Tracii G]

Teresa its not fair of your wife to say its just boys being boys.Let her fix what they break next time.
Time to step in as the man and say ok kids this is how its going to be here in my home.
You will respect your grandparents and this home, no running around tearing things up.
I raised two daughters on my own and I know the feeling but you set the rules in your home don't let them dictate the rules to you.
You need to speak with your Son too and lay the law down. Be blunt and too the point and don't mince words.
Tell him his kids have no respect for your home and thats his fault.

[Helen_Highwater]

Teresa,

I retired just over a year ago having worked for 41 years. Like you as well as working full time, early on squeezing in part time college, totally gutting and modernising our first house not to mention all the landscaping that was needed. Moving and having to do significant work on the next, thankfully not as much. Doing work for both my parents and inlaws there comes a point where your body and mind thinks that's enough. I now find myself having difficulty in motivating myself to even the easiest of odd jobs.

As for the kids. There's a vast difference between being boisterous and out of control. Perhaps that's something you and your SO need to address. Can I say, and this is from experience with my own children, it's well worth either having them tested for allergies or keeping an eye on what they eat and how their behavior alters.

One of my daughters who was normally well behaved would on occasion go loopy, totally out of control. There were times when she would wake screaming having had a nightmare. We eventually made the link firstly between kids parties and the nightmares and then certain sweets and just plain out of control. The culprit, red colourant. We also had friends whose young son they found out was allergic to aspartame http://www.healthline.com/health/asp...ects#Overview1
If he drank soft drinks containing that stuff he was a little uncontrollable s&6%. Some fruit juice drinks (sunny d) also contain additives. MY SO as a teacher called it loopy juice.

Kids need boundaries. They need to know and understand even at their age that they need to be responsible for their actions. After all, this is your home not theirs. Perhaps you need to have a word with the parents and say you're not going to tolerate it any longer and if it persists then they find child minders.

One last thought; soft close toilet seats. cheap as chips http://www.screwfix.com/p/soft-close...hite/36177#_=p

[phylis anne]

Helen hihwater makes a good point ,
There is quite a line seaprating boys being bos and being out of control which as Helen has suggested could have some medical validity if the are only out of control at your place ,---- if it were me and no other issues were prevalent then I as the usual grumpy ol grandpa would have to put my foot down with all parties involved and if need be perhaps a friendly chat in the ol wood shed m own 2 growing up were the same way when I was awa working and living somehwere in alaska and I had to deal with it on more than one occasion ,when the bo was old enough to work I took him to alaska out in the bush probabl the best descision I ever made as a parent he is still there and much improved ,his sister well has 2 daughters and 3 triplet boys ranging with the girls being 7 and 5 and the boys a very mischevious almost 2yrs and the fun is just beginning good luck with your situation as all of us who posted are just bstanders in a situation such as this only you can make the final choices and it sounds like you will do well
hugs phlis anne

[Patrica Gil]

Turning sixty one comes to the reality that our days are numbered. We want time to do the things we enjoy and those around us will need to adjust to the changes. As the seasons change, so do we. Sure those around us may get comfortable with the way things are, however sooner or later you will not be around to fix, clean, or build so the sooner they learn to figure it out the better. My life is so different from even ten years ago, but it is one that belongs to me and not those around me who have other ideals. Sometimes those around us don't want change because they are comfortable with things the way they are. Change is a difficult thing for a lot of folk. Sounds like your ready for a new outlook, not grouchy.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

It's been a fascinating privilege watching you grow and change Teresa, and it's reflected in the way you express yourself. Your head seems so much clearer, the daily battles and dramas are far less destructive- indeed that your biggest irritation right now is a cracked loo seat speaks volumes.

I'm sad that you feel undervalued, when you've worked so hard and for so long. Perhaps you could suggest to your son that he help mend his children's damage? - seems a pretty fair exchange for endless childminding.

FWIW I've certainly never thought of you as a grouch!

Since Katey isn't here to say it,

KEEP CALM AND CARRY ON.

Hugs, Nikki

[LilSissyStevie]

I've been dealing with a somewhat similar situation lately but not with my grandchildren, who are absolute angels, but with my wife's farm animals. She has this group of four untamed calves that were getting out of their pen and running amok all over the property. They weren't doing much damage so I didn't do anything but be annoyed and weakly complain about it. So the other day I look over and one of them was eating the leaf buds off my grapevines. I've worked very hard the last few years to establish this little vineyard and I'll be damned if I'm going to stand by and watch it be destroyed because my wife thinks it's cute to watch these animals run around free. I told her that we would have these calves securely penned by nightfall or we would be having veal for breakfast tomorrow. A couple of days later I'm eating my breakfast (not veal, lol!) and look out the window and my dogs are chasing a bunch of three week old piglets all over the place. They had broken out of the pig pen. I'm there by myself since my wife and daughter had left for the day. It's pure pandemonium. I run out of the house in my bare feet and take a piglet from my big ol' bull dogs mouth and then I have to literally drag him into his kennel because he has a blood lust for pork. I grab the other dogs by their collars and put them in the kennel, too. Then I have to round up these traumatized piglets. It took me the better part of the day to do that and repair their escape hole. I'm way too old for this crap. I've been pissed off about the animal situation for a while (we have way too many) but I kind of washed my hands of it because my wife would get angry if I brought the subject up. But I now see that was a huge mistake because it got completely out of control. If we don't control the animals, they control us. That includes grandchildren. I can usually keep my grandkids in line with a look. I'd rather be known as a mean ol' grouch than a patsy. What's this have to do with crossdressing? Nothing! That's not an issue in this house.

[Vikky]

Hi Teresa

I have to agree with Helen and Tracii G. These kids need to be told and a firm line taken. They should respect other peoples property.

Vikki.

PS Gosh 200th post Never would have believed it.

[ReineD]

As two boys they are fairly destructive, my wife says it's part of growing up but my garden is becoming a bomb site and the house is being trashed, we now have two cracked WCs where they have slammed the lids down, one round the rim and the other across the seat fixing holes. If I say two words I'm being an old grouse but I know who has the work of replacing them .

It's your home and you are allowed to set the rules. Your grandchildren need to be taught to respect property. You are NOT being an old grouch.

This is a good way to teach your grandkids respect: next time they break something, they need to help you fix it, whether this is replacing a toilet seat, fixing holes they dug up in the yard, wiping up and cleaning spilled food, mending holes in walls, painting over marks on the wall, filling in gouges in wood, picking up toys, etc. Children are never too young to be taught responsibility, in fact, being taught to be responsible empowers them.

Yes, it might take more time to repair these things with children than it does on your own, but you can look at it as quality times with grandkids. If you approach it as an opportunity for learning as opposed to punishment, they should enjoy helping you set things right and in time they will become more mindful.

[Mykaa]

I think its only natural to feel the strain of the situation and dont be sorry to ask or write about it. We all need somewhere to talk or vent at times.
I see a lot of good advice in the replies, I know Im new here but we are here to support each other and I dont think your being an old grouch either.

[flatlander_48]

Teresa its not fair of your wife to say its just boys being boys.Let her fix what they break next time.

Took the words right out of my mouth!

Back in the day, I used this strategy with my kids (now 40 and 34). Granted, I was mildly pissed about things being broken unnecessarily, but moreover the point is that everything has C O N S E Q U E N C E S. Daughter scraped the plastic bumper cover on the car. I introduced her to Rubbing Compound and instructed her in its usage. Son punched a hole in the wall of his bedroom. I introduced him to Spackling Plaster and instructed him in the ways of plaster repair. It just reinforces the concept of cause and effect.

DeeAnn

[nvlady]

If ANYBODY (friend, grandkids, or even my kids) came into my house and started breaking things they would be told to leave and not come back until they could behave themselves. If they said they would behave and they broke something again, they would be told not to return.
Your grandkids need to learn some respect.

[Robin414]

I feel guilty that I don't have the enthusiasm to tackle the jobs, I'm not making excuses when I say my mind has changed I'm genuinely not interested in that kind of work anymore and it's becoming harder to tackle. The double life I feel I'm living at the moment isn't helping at all, to be happy as Teresa and unhappy as Terry could change so quickly if I could integrate the two. I know I will never get back to where I was but being considered an old grouch really does hurt when it's not true .

I don't have any advice since I haven't found the fix yet but I can SOOOO relate Teresa!!!

[Teresa]

I'd like to thank you all for your comments, I apologise for not answering sooner but it's the first chance I've had to sit and go through your replies.

I'm saying this with a wry smile because I could put you all down as grouches as we all have the same feelings about correcting a young child's behaviour.

Taking Helen's point about diet, I will admit my son and daughter in law have tried to keep the boys on a good diet, but the initial treat for being good can easily drop into the mode of anything to keep them quiet, I'm not saying it's overdone but I'm sure that anyone in that situation has fallen into that trap.

The subject of respect or lack of it have to be biased through my CDing feelings, in a strange way my wife appears to be using it punish me, if that's the case then she is blindly making the situation worse for herself. As I mentioned in my opening thread the male straight jacket will cure me or stop me from CDing because I have too many male jobs to consider to have time for anything else. There is probably more than one reason for the possible lack of respect from my son, he feels he's lost the father he thought he could always rely on, he's trying to support my wife , but then the motive behind that is he needs her support for child minding and other duties.
At some point my wife did make the comment that she realises what I've been trying to say, I've done more than my share and now it's time for a part that shouldn't exist but does . I understand the needs now but they can't fully grasp it so acceptance is always going to be less that 100%.

I will admit it can't be easy for them knowing I totally dress as a woman once a month to openly drive myself to a social group , I'm afraid the question keeps coming up in my mind of the rights and wrongs of separation. I feel my CDing is always going to create this division , there's no going back on what's been said and done, I know I couldn't go on like that . Putting my foot down and making rules, possibly being angry with them , is the correct thing to do but in the end it's going to backfire on me and used against me because of wanting to live part of my life differently now, trying to walk away from jobs I no longer have an interest in.

[ReineD]

in a strange way my wife appears to be using it punish me, if that's the case then she is blindly making the situation worse for herself. As I mentioned in my opening thread the male straight jacket will cure me or stop me from CDing because I have too many male jobs to consider to have time for anything else.

I just want to say that you might be happier if you stopped gendering the chores. In fact, I'd say that adopting the solution I pointed out earlier is how a woman would handle it, even if other men might handle it the same way.

It takes a lot of love and patience to rear children and teach them to rectify their mistakes. So helping little ones to manipulate a screwdriver while taking off the old toilet seat, and teaching them how to reattach a new one is not specifically a male chore. Nor is taking the little ones in hand to make right the garden they might have torn up. Moms garden with children all the time. And moms fix things, not just dads. And while you're at it, after you and the little ones have fixed the toilet seat and raked the garden, you can take them into the kitchen and make a batch of chocolate chip cookies with them. Get them to measure out all the ingredients and do all the mixing. They'll love it, and you can think of yourself as grandmama.

I dare say that with all that attention, your grand-kids will be less apt to run around terrorizing the place.

As to your family having a hard time accepting the fact that you dress, I feel for you but please know that the stories you read here of unconditional acceptance are rare. The truth is, the mainstream is simply not ready to fully embrace people who cross the gender barriers despite strangers who mostly keep their opinions to themselves when members are out dressed. So families deal with all levels of acceptance, from 10% to 90% but I'd say that it is tricky for most families.

So just keep going out to your meetings and enjoy yourself, and while you're at home, hold your head high for doing the right things with your grand-children. No one can fault you for that.

[Teresa]

Reine,
Just to correct a small point, they have cracked the porcelain WCs not the lids, the eventual repair will mean changing the whole cloakroom to match and possibly our ensuite bathroom.

In my case mums and grandmothers don't do the repairs , yours truly does , because it's man's work !

As for the cosy baking in the kitchen , OH boy my wife tried that bright idea to keep them occupied and regretted it , I had to deal with the aftermath of a flooded kitchen !!
I will admit some edible cakes have emerged from the carnage much to every ones surprise !

I agree with you that it will get better, I am looking forward to that , I only hope that their acceptance improves and I don't face isolation from my grandsons through my more open CDing needs.
I guess we come back to the old question of sitting down and truthfully and openly talking about the situation instead of allowing resentments to build up .



I've just walked the dog and thought it all through and it just boils down to my wife's acceptance !

She is just punishing me for my CDing ! She wants to update the house, all of it of it I fitted as new in the first place . I realised the work I listed in my opening thread was far from complete when I remembered family and friends I have done work for, it only reiterates how I mentally and physically I feel about the work now, it's wearing thin, and yet I don't feel old but the effect of dressing knocks ten years off how I feel ! I wonder if GGs reading this are saying I wish it did that for me !
My wife has the obvious reasons like many for not accepting CDing, also she thinks finding these extra jobs is going to give me an interest as a distraction but is being frustrated by the idea not working. I'm slightly frustrated with myself but trying to use my CDing in this way is taking the enjoyment out of having grandchildren.

There is another side to this, but I feel I've said possibly too much on the open forum, I have dealt with it in Loved Ones. In simple terms I haven't had intimate contact for ten years, that hasn't been easy but to deal with, and the struggle with my more open CDing has made life hard and strained our relationship.
To be realistic knowing I'm happy to go out socially has to hurt her but trying to punish me in this way is not the right way to go about it. No wonder I wasn't nervous when I attended the first meeting , I've commented on the question of passing or not, that question just fades away , it doesn't have the same significance .

To Reine and others I'm sorry to come back to this old chestnut, things have got better but we're still opposing forces, and I'm still the guilty party !

[Sarah Beth]

I can relate to where you are at and what you have gone through over the years. I have since I got married worked on building repairing things for several of my in laws, for friends and other relatives. I have been the go to guy for everyone's fix it needs which has included trips of hundreds of miles when on my vacation times spent working on things for others. For the last twenty some years I have run my own construction company and then been expected to spend weekends and other time off working for friends and family for free. Which I have done for the most part. I'm in my 60's now I'm tired and just can't keep up with it all like I used to. I want some time for me, which I think you are saying, without having to worry about have to fix something.

In my opinion no matter what anyone else thinks it's not right for someone to send their children for you take care off and then have those children destroy things. It seems like people don't teach kids manners or respect anymore. Toilets are expensive and if the porceline is cracked then it's going to take a new one. It seems to me like you are reasonable in wanting the respect you are do and deserve.

I don't really have any advice for you on what to do, it seems there are other issues here that are involved between you and your wife that come into play. What I do know is that we all deserve to have guests in our home, no matter what their age, respect us and our property.

[Glenda]

One of the benefits of having grown children is that now I can ask them to help me with the things I used to do for them. Why not invite your kids over to replace the toilets and perform other maintenance that you wish you had help with? I've retired recently and although I now have more time to do things, there are some jobs that just are not quite as easy for me as they used to be.

[josrphine]

Hi Teresa, I too am a member of the OLD GROUCH Club. I told my wife that I am going to get a full time job as I would have more free time. I am 75 an a jack of all trades an a master electrican. This generation of parents are going to pay an awful price when there children grow up. We have the WHAT ARE U GOINGING TO GIVE ME NOW. I have 4 an only one I have a good relationship with. It is eather, I tell them what to do ; in there 30es; or its my fault I made them do such an such. They take no blame for there own faults. We did not rasie them right..Yea right.. Oh They got that smart on there own. Jo