The Story and Life of a Fallen Angel

[TeartheFallenAngel]

This week has been a lot of firsts for me. First time purchasing clothing for myself, first time being accepted after telling someone, first time shaving my legs, and my first time actually talking about it with a community. Trust is really hard for me to develop, but i will try to share my story, as much as i can.

I have always felt like a girl, part of my personality i guess. when i was younger, there were several times i was left at home for hours on end. My mom always ended up leaving some of her clothes around the house, and sometimes they ended up in my basket when she did laundry. The clothes were always so bright and colorful, soft and silky. so i wondered why men didn't wear them. i still don't quite understand why not. but my curiosity got the better of me, and i ended up trying on a light floral skirt. I absolutely loved it, it felt so nice, not constricting, and a bright pattern that matched how i felt on the inside. For a time, i would sneak some of her clothes into my laundry basket to wear when no one was around. If she ever found any of her clothes in my room, i would just say that it must have gotten into my basket again. I stopped dressing in secret some time early in high school, i became very worried that someone would find out, and i was starting to look a lot less girly, and a lot more manly (something i still don't like to this day).

In high school i got a girlfriend, and when we started getting closer to each other, i decided to tell her. She seemed to take it very well when i originally told her, but the next time she and i were together with friends, she outed me to my entire group of friends. Everyone laughed at me, i felt like such a freak. She and i broke up (obviously) and i buried that part of myself so deep that it has literally taken until a few days ago to get to a point where i acknowledged that i like to dress.

Since that time, i have felt empty, incomplete, and unhappy. Negativity compounding on negativity lead to a breaking point. where i had to accept that aspect of myself, that i had deluded into believing i was gay (im not, if anything Bi Curious) I guess everything changed when i had a small breakthrough, my feminine side finally was allowed to roam free. and i started to remember the colors i loved so much as a kid. My mom always ends up getting everyone a gift or two for easter, and this year was no exception, so i asked for a specific t-shirt i saw in hot topic. A white shirt with the two main characters to Puella Magi Madoka Magica on it, surrounded by stars and a purple and pink haze. That night i went to bed, happily thinking of my new shirt that i had wanted for a few months. While i was drifting off to sleep, i was considering what i could wear to compliment the shirt. In my mind popped an image of myself in the shirt, with a pleated white skirt with pink and purple designs on it. Something clicked inside me, it was exhilarating. Despite my fears, and repressions, i decided i would have to explore that side of myself a little bit more.

I Resolved to try it one more time, to see if it was just a passing fancy, or just a simple errant deviancy. A few days later, i ended up going back to hot topic, and picking up two shirts, a red one with equality written on it, to wear whenever, and a silky black shirt with splotches of color on the sleeves and towards the bottom of the shirt, for dressing of course. I also stopped in a local store and almost picked up a skirt that would have gone well with both the madoka magica shirt and the new one i just bought. There were a lot of people around, i didn't have the courage to even pick it up and examine it more closely. I left without a skirt.

When i got home, i was pretty disappointed with myself, i really wanted a skirt to wear. So i ended up getting out my sewing kit, and turning some of my old pajama bottoms into a makeshift skirt (it looks horrible, but im a beginner and i dont have a machine T_T) When i tried it on, even with the butterflies in my stomach, there was a sense of peace, calmness, and dare i say happiness. When everyone went to bed, i was able to wear it around the house. The most concerning thing to me, is i actually performed better at pretty much everything while wearing it.

So i decided to do something i had always wanted to try but was afraid, because i would be though of as weird. I shaved my legs. It was a definite hassle, having never shaved them before, they were quite hairy. The feeling when i finished, my own smooth skin, it was the first time in years that i had actually thought my own body was beautiful. I am afraid of wearing shorts in the apartment though, i'm afraid my roommates will notice and ask me about it. I get the feeling that they wouldn't be very open or accepting of even just a small thing like that.

Sorry for the long post and the somewhat melancholic tone. Also, sorry if this is in the wrong section. If anyone wants to ask questions, it might make it easier for me to talk about it. I'm also interested if anyone else here has ever made their own clothing to wear, or if i'm just strange and determined ^_^

[Robin414]

Hi Tear! Ya, I sense the melancholic tone and I understand where it's coming from but good news, you've found the enchanted forest and I'm pretty sure it will fade into the (pink) fog in no time!

As for missing the opportunity to buy that skirt, don't worry, you'll be shopping in no time (lots of advice and encouragement to be found here 😉 )

[TeartheFallenAngel]

i actually forgot a few things. If anyone is wondering why i am a fallen angel, my male name means "A Gift from God" He is an angel, He fell, and became Terror (Teara)

Also, i'm still worried about being found out, but should i shave my chest, arms, or anything else?

[Robin414]

Hmmm, I can't stand any (body) hair myself and I epilate my arms at the first sign of it (and chest hair, like yuk 😲 ). My SO did notice at first but accepts me for who and what I am (ya, must have done something right somewhere).

Your circumstances are your own but I'd say heck ya, say you're getting into body building and need some encouragment!

That's my story and I'm sticking to it, OK, maybe 'boobie' instead of 'body', but boobs are part of your body, right! 😉

And your name, love it! I'm a bit of a 'terror' myself but I like to think I'm just a kitten on catnip 😉

[TeartheFallenAngel]

To be entirely honest, i don't actually know why i wasn't more easily accepting of my dressing, because of my long hair i have been mistaken for a girl from behind more times than i can count. I'm pretty sure more than a small part of me was happy every single time ^_^ I'm looking quite forward to having an actual skirt, i was eyeing a cheap one that caught my eye when i was in a store with a friend today. I couldn't go check it out because my friend doesn't know, and i'm pretty sure he wouldn't buy any excuse i would try to give him.

I'm considering telling a good friend of mine about it, and hopefully get her help with a few things. I don't have any knowledge with make-up, and definitely not any make-up of my own.

i think i will definitely shave my chest, but i'm still undecided about my arms, those would be pretty noticeable to anyone.

[Genni]

Welcome, Tear. Thank you for sharing your story. That betrayal by your high school girlfriend must have been traumatic! That was despicable.

I started shaving my legs & underarms (and elsewhere) a year or 2 back. It's wonderful! I have shaved my chest also but prefer waxing to reduce stubble there. I also wear clear polish on my fingers and toes much of the time. No one says anything. My younger daughter once noticed (she was probably about 20 at the time) and asked if I shaved my legs... I just said yes, that massages are much nicer that way. I've gone for mani-pedis with my wife and daughters many times. My SO doesn't like the polish or shaving much, but hey -- it's my body. I think both my (grown) daughters know of my "hobby," but I haven't discussed it with them. My wife and I have discussed it, but we remain pretty solidly in "don't ask, don't tell" territory.

So I'd say "go for it" on the shaving. If anyone asks about it just tell them because you like it, or that it's not their concern. You really don't owe them an explanation.

[TeartheFallenAngel]

Thanks for the encouragement, i tried shaving my chest. I wasn't able to get all of it because i was worried that my roommates might ask why i was taking so long in the bathroom. I think i will save shaving my arms for when i move out of this place. (which hopefully will be soon ^_^)

My sister came by today, and ended up finding the shirt i bought earlier this week. Thank god she knows i sew, i told her i got if for cheap (which i did) and plan to alter it to improve my sewing skills (which is also true) i just didn't tell her that i planned to wear it too ^_^
She ended up confiscating it for the day, she seemed to like it quite a bit. She did give it back to me though. Neither her nor my mom noticed any of my shaving, though i really didn't put my legs or chest out for display. Though a small part of me wants to put on shorts, just to see if anyone actually notices.

[Lori Kurtz]

Hello, dear. Welcome to this site. You'll probably find it very helpful. Some of us are crossdressers, and some of us are transsexuals (and some, to be fair, don't fit themselves so neatly into any particular label). It sounds to me as though you might be a transsexual--that maybe you are a "female trapped in a male body." Whether that is exactly true or not, this issue has obviously troubled you for years, and it sounds like there is still something about you that is not fully expressed and that is struggling to come out. Many of us here have been helped by counseling with a therapist who is experienced in gender issues. I suggest that you look into that, to help you understand just what your identity is and how you can find happiness in embracing it.

[TeartheFallenAngel]

'm sure a lot of things got repressed back when my high school gf outed me to my friends. I do sometimes feel like i'm, as you said, a female trapped in a male body. I have considered talking to a therapist, but i don't think i would have the money. There were a lot of really bad things that happened in my family when i was younger, so i have a sort of aversion to therapists. Or to be entirely honest, divulging anything secret to anyone. Its difficult to talk about things that you have literally spent years blocking out even to someone who, by their profession, will understand and keep your secrets.
I think it will be something that i will have to do eventually. For now though, i'm going to continue to explore the girly side that i have neglected for so many years. I'm sure that i will come to the answers i need, in time.

On a slightly different subject, i found a skirt ^_^ I went to a local thrift store, and a short black skirt with a pink and green floral pattern caught my eye. I was really nervous when i went up to the counter to pay, but the clerk didn't seem to notice or care. I was sweating bullets the entire time 0_0
When i got home, i found a little bit of time and tried it on. Wouldn't you know it, a perfect fit. It goes perfectly with my Madoka Magica t-shirt, and it goes fairly well with my other 2 shirts. I'm super happy ^_^ Eventually, when i can walk around dressed in my own space, i will see if i can post a photo. That probably wont be for awhile though.

[SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

Good news, i finally had some alone time in the apartment this morning. I had a really early shift, so everyone else was asleep when i woke up. After i realized what an opportunity i had, i hurried out of bed, and put on my skirt and tried matching it with my shirts. I found i like the white one with gold feathers. I ended up taking a few pictures (ok, more than a few) and now i finally have an avatar (my favorite picture of the bunch) I was also feeling super adventurous, so i decided to take out the trash. I was really nervous but there was no one awake at that hour, so i wasn't spotted by anyone ^_^

As it got closer to my shift, i had to change out of the skirt and into my uniform T_T It was a good thing i did though, not too long after i changed one of my roommates woke up and started wandering around. Talk about cutting it close ^_^ I also found some tape that i might be able to use for tucking (wish me luck with that one)

After i got off work i texted the friend of mine that i told (and he accepted me) I got his permission first, and sent him my avatar picture. He said he wouldn't have know i wasn't a girl just by the picture, that made me really happy. I may actually have a chance of being as pretty on the outside as i feel on the inside ^_^

[TeartheFallenAngel]

Good news update. I finally told the friend that I mentioned awhile back. She accepted me, didn't think I was strange, or any less of me. She is even willing to help me with makeup and picking out new clothes (as well as makin and altering my own) she even wants to help me get more comfortable with being open about dressing up.

I have been blessed with good friends, and everyone here and on deviantart has been very supportive. ^_^

Once i can spend the time organizing them all (and choosing the best ones) I'll end up making a thread for the pictures I've taken while dressed ^_^