Finally meeting with a counselor

[Tiffany Jane]

We are only given as much as we can handle and sometimes we need help to realize the best way to carry or position this weight we feel upon ourselves. I have stopped in occasionally here, and read mostly, juggling all the different aspects of the members of this site. Overall, a highly supportive group, and as we are all individuals, sometimes I get lost in the preconceived emotions that I read into typed words as I quickly shut down inside and log out. My wife and I have been growing together, me mostly, due to my slowly building ability to be open about this long closed subject. I have opened as a person, discovering what it is about all of this that will lead me to the next chapter(s) in my life. I have to admit, I stopped watching "I am Kait" at episode three because it scared me back into my cave to ponder how I was going to put all this behind me once and for all. I have seen and felt the forward inertia pushing me down a road I may or not be able to back from or may lose many of the closest people in my life along the way.

I find the term I give myself "Dude in a dress" the most comforting and I can admit that there are very feminine aspects to my physique, personality, and desires out of life. Yet, the many gender variant terms out there leave me scratching my head and wondering, I really can't stand being labeled in any aspect of my life, because I have never felt I fit into any particular grouping. We are all individuals trying to make sense out of our lives and our souls journey, trying to find balance and happiness in everything that we are. My wife was very open this Christmas with buying TJ clothing, jewelry, and perfume. The acceptance I found at home has been uplifting to my inner voice challenging me to find who it is I want to be to be HAPPY. I have been wearing make-up in small doses, underdressing more, and maintained a more open, everyday fact of the matter dialogue with my wife. So with our last conversation, we realized we were just talking and I could not fully determined who this person I wake up to in the mirror is, as it seems to be multiple pieces of two individuals. Somehow, I need to cohesively meld the two together, finding the stable ground within myself to be able to stand up and see the world as I was born to see it.

I am growing out my hair, twenty years of shaving it and seeing it now at about a three month growth with scheduled cuts and shaping has given me a new fresh person to look at as I get ready every morning. Was hard to tell my friend of over ten years who cuts my hair what it was that has brought me to do this as I showed her a picture of a pixie cut that caught my interest and asked her if she thought I could pull it off. We had worked together before and had shared many a conversation about every other life topic but she was the first person outside of my wife who now knew about TJ. Scary and a weight off my shoulders all at the same time.

So coming to terms...or am I. Made a call to talk with someone Monday and have an appointment in two weeks. I am excited to let this dark matter out that I have buried and hidden so deep inside. An undue stress to my soul leaving a black cancerous mark on its core. I haven't posted a lot in a long while, so bear with the short story and I would just like to ask for the continued support I have always felt here from everyone and I will try to post any updates as taking the time to write is also therapeutic.

[Pat]

Don't let the terms define you, sweetie. Do what makes you happy and what works for you and your wife and don't let vocabulary be your sticking point. You don't have to be anything you don't want to be. If they haven't coined a word for what you are yet, so what? Study what's in your heart. Do the things that make you happy and avoid the things that don't. And best of luck.

[Maria 60]

Sometimes just talking to someone can really make a difference. I hope you find out who you are and where you want to go. It can't hurt. Let us know how it goes.

[suzanne]

You know who makes an excellent councillor? The sales staff of any decent women's clothing store. Go in, ask for help finding a dress, tell them, "yes it's for me" when they ask and gracefully accept their suggestions. Most of them will love you and ALL of them will remember you. You will not be told you are a freak or deviant, but that you are a wonderful unique human being with a beautiful spirit.

Of course, there is a component of salesmanship involved here, but in a short time they will treat you more as a friend than a customer. And you will feel better about yourself. Downside is this Retail Therapy can be more expensive than a professional councilor, but it's tons more fun.

[Tiffany Jane]

Trust in who you are and the people you want to know you will.

[ShelbyDawn]

Good luck Tiffany.
I have been seeing a counselor for about five years and it was one of the best choices I have made.
Started with twice a week and am now on an as needed basis.
I will be honest that there were issues far more serious than dressing in women's clothes that caused me to seek her help but we dealt with it all.
In the final analysis, dressing is part of whom I am. It doesn't cause any physical damage(providing I don't trip in my 4" heels) and while it can get expensive, it is just nobodies business but mine.
(As for the other stuff, it turns out that my Ex is just F-in' crazy)

Hang in there and don't be afraid to open up. A good therapist won't tell you much and will ask all the right questions to lead you to your own best conclusion.

[Teresa]

TJ,
As you progress you will lose the inner conflict, talking to counsellors is good for you, it's a chance to really get to start to know yourself.
I always believed I was born like it, now the new thinking has proved it, we may have varying degrees of maleness , overlaid with female traits. In my case it did cause an early conflict between the two complicated by a sexual experience , now I know this I can work with it , I can understand it myself and can finally explain it to others.

At the end of the day it doesn't really matter how many people know because it 's not going to change what is inside our heads , keeping it a secret will only prolong the guilt feeling and possible shame, we should not have to live with those feelings when there is nothing we can do about then. We have to come to terms with it , accept it and then hopefully see the positive side and start to enjoy it.
The problem does arise with our partners, most GGs will never understand it because they can't experience our feelings, most will say I'm not a lesbian and don't wish to have a female partner. Most of us don't cross that line if we can only convince our partners but that is sometimes very hard to truthfully answer in our own minds.

I accept now the true value of counselling, partly to be able to talk it through and partly to get the guidance to move forward , they can only guide you but hopefully in the right direction .

[sometimes_miss]

We are only given as much as we can handle.

^this is not true. Millions succumb to things beyond their capacity to overcome them. E.G.; 'That which does not kill us makes us stronger': Really? How about a stroke? How many people are 'given' that and are then able to overcome all the difficulties associated with it?

Both are cute sayings, but have no basis in fact.

[gina shiney]

Tiffany
I have been waiting to see how that first meeting went any updates? Between first and second posts was over a month and I am curious to find out.

[Paula_56]

I am 56 years old and have been struggling with gender identity issues since I was a very young child. I’ve cross dressed my entire life and hide the secret that I wanted to be female for over 50 years. I have been in therapy for over 4 years and have been clinically diagnosed with Gender Identity Disorder. In the last 4 years I have overcome tremendous guilt, shame and anxiety and accepted the fact that I am transgender. This has allowed me to go out into the world as a woman and experience life as a woman. When I travel on business I spend time as a woman, shopping, dining, and attending events. I am married and have an adult daughter. I want to transition but because of my commitment to my family will not do so at this time.

In 2009 I was emerging from the darkness of yet another cross-dressing purge. But as any transgender person knows purging doesn’t work. My need for feminine expression had returned with a vengeance. I had tried to solve the problem by myself for 50 years. I tried reading all the books and websites, wrote countless emails to peers and posted on all the forums. Finding an objective and informed person you can discuss, share and solve your issues with was a key ingredient in my journey. In my case this was a therapist. I’ve grown a lot over the last 4 years. I no longer see my cross-dressing as a problem to be solved. I am not doing anything wrong. I’ve cast off society’s condemnation of being transgender and realized that I am a good person, and that part of my personality and character involves being transgender. Attributes I see missing in many men, such as nurturing, kindness, compassion, and cooperation are parts of my personality that I believe come from my feminine side.

[Tiffany Jane]

Strength is measured by the things we do and not what we talk about doing. Finally an update and forgive me all for leaving it open for so long. I have had three weeks since my third appointment and I left with a weight off my shoulders and a need to re-balance the things I had thought, was thinking, and determining to proceed with. Before my first appointment I came out to a close spiritual friend of mine. She and I have very similar beliefs and I wanted her to be the first to know, but second would have to do. She has been just as supportive as I knew she would and surprised me by some of the questions she had asked and my ability to answer them. She and my wife are the only two that ask how Tiffany is doing. My first two sessions I talked the therapist"s ear off. Forty-five minutes into my first session, I asked her if she had any questions. She told me I had answered any questions she had had somewhere along the way and I just really had to talk the years of feelings out.

For my second session, I was to tell her about my parents childhood. Here things went for a twist. My parents hadn't really talked about their childhood let alone anything else in their lives and I only had about five items for each of them. My dilemma, talk to my parents, go with what I had, or was my counselor testing me to start a conversation I may not be able to follow through with without causing my parents to shut down on me, or me to tell too much, which I wasn't ready to do.

Siblings, created by the same DNA as I was, but living with different perspectives on life and who they are. Therefore, my brother was the closest person in my family I felt I could ask about Mom and Dad and IF! it came up, thought I could tell him. My brother may be the most comfortable person in his own skin and although we have given him a bad time through the years of how he loves life and isn't afraid to be himself, he is the person I needed right now to help me do the same. I told him my list, and we both laughed as neither of us could come up with anything else. I mentioned I was talking to a counselor and he asked me if they were a man or a woman. I hesitated, and said, "She's a woman, and that is part of the reason I am going."

Was he surprised? Probably, with a Masters in human resources and a background in Psychology, he carried on without missing a beat. We discussed a few things, enough for him to ask me, "What is the best way you describe yourself?" I opened my mouth, my soul providing the words, "Dual gender." "Okay", he said and that was the beginning of the acceptance for how I felt I have been all my life, as he said that he could see through our years as kids and growing up to describe he thought I had shut part of me down the last few years.

Now, I have fought the demons of thinking inside my own head, questioning every aspect of sexuality that I put before myself. I apologize now, laughed at all these terms of transgenderism and what they were supposed to mean to me. But I went to my second appointment with little in the matter of my parents, but a new sense of how I felt. Looking up dual gender and reading all the different analyses of the term, I felt that it better fit my twenty five years now dealing with this. It was the term "shame" that was brought up at this second appointment that put me for a quandary. I had never had put a term to this emotion. I grew up with a lot of what I thought was guilt brought upon me by others. It was shame as well that I had been introduced to and didn't know it. Having the two broken down, left me with more questions, but a solution to half of the mental problems I was trying to get through.

Last meeting, three weeks ago. I said out loud, I am not gay. There may be parts of me that I associated with that potential based upon my father's disdain for the subject and societal's perception of what gender is supposed to be. And as I told my counselor I don't want to fully alter my body, it is mine and my psyche fits in it most of the time, I will be changing things to better accommodate my whole sense of being. Still growing my hair, painting my toes, shaving my legs, armpits, chest. Underdressing more often and wearing perfume. Loving my wife and son with both parts of me.

My wife and I watched "The Danish Girl" together. First movie we have sat and watched in over five years. I have a hard time sitting still for long, but it was a good movie. We have discussed my desire to make further changes and have kept an open dialogue as to how this fits into our family decisions, how we will get through the process we are in now and where this road may lead me and us.

I hadn't posted, due to many factors, time being one. I tend to analyze each little word, and as comfortable as I am here, it is the written word that lends the reader to decipher what the message(s) may be. A part of me I am still trying to get by, an overly heightened sense of public awareness. So, things are going well. Been a good three weeks overall, and have not had that overwhelming sense of being stuck on one end of a spectrum within my soul.

Thanks everyone for your comments, support, and encouragement.

[Teresa]

Tiffany,
Thanks for bringing us up to date with your sessions, I must admit I talked way beyond my prescribed time, there's so much to come to terms with and bring out in the open.

I felt a difficulty when you mentioned the need to talk to your parents, my father died years ago and my mother is an active 86 year old, but I don't think she needs to be brought into my situation at her time of life. Also talking to siblings, I only have an older sister and could see no value in talking to her she hasn't the time for any of her family anyway.
I had to face most of this alone , my wife said it was my problem and I must sort it, living with that attitude isn't easy when you're struggling with possible TS issues . The way i dealt with it was writing it all down along with a gender sheet to give me some idea where I was on the spectrum,. My counsellor worked through it with me and felt it summed up my situation, I knew then that I had something plausable to explain it to my wife.

Like you there is GD but I can now deal with it knowing that I'm just on the male side of TS, I have no need to change my body, which after all these years of doubts i can finally answer.
I'm so pleased it is going well for you, please keep us in touch with how it goes in the future.

[Alice Torn]

It is a deep inner conflict and struggle for many.

[gina shiney]

Tiffany
Thank you for the update and for being able to share, you have a good way of telling/sharing. You come across as genuine and honest in your explanations which helps others in over coming fears with therapy. Your posts are helpfull once again thankyou.
Gina

[Tiffany Jane]

Gina, I write from my heart. Thanks for seeing that.

Appointment today, dealt with a couple other issues and discussed my future. My family comes first, wife and son, and it will be a little time before I choose to proceed with further changes. I have one session scheduled for after my birthday, 40, the reason I started this in the first place. To find acceptance with myself and find a course for the next stage in life.

As to seeing a counselor, timing is everything. I needed to say things outloud to someone other than my wife. As accepting as this forum is, it is a society unto itself, with people of all different backgrounds, discoveries, and journeys. For someone trying to find themselves , it can be as overwhelming as society itself.

[reb.femme]

... As accepting as this forum is, it is a society unto itself, with people of all different backgrounds, discoveries, and journeys. For someone trying to find themselves , it can be as overwhelming as society itself.

Totally agree with you TJ. This is a great place to get a general take on the many personal experiences and beliefs of the members, but on such a personal subject of your own mind, it's better with a professional one on one. However, if you ask me...no forget that.

Good luck on your journey of self discovery.

My life is an open book because I can't keep quiet. And I'm not kidding either.

Becky

[Tiffany Jane]

Final post to this thread. Any other updates will be determined under a different post. Thank you to all for your feedback, thoughts, or time to read my story.

In two days, I meet my 40th birthday. I set out seeking counseling to put the past behind me. Hiding, wondering, questioning, and avoiding who I was. I joined this group as my son was presented to our lives, feeling as though it was one more obstacle to find myself. Could I wait eighteen more years to be my happiest self?

With the support of my wife, this group, and my team of close friends and family, I see happiness. Not in the mirror as I look at myself. Not in any real change in work or life. A change in myself that I feel and others see as a reflection of being truly happy within my soul...balance.

There is a lot of personal acceptance to meet within myself, yet, the start of accepting myself for who I am and want to be has started. This is the first step to happiness, accepting oneself for who they are and not trying to be what I perceived everyone else wanted me to be.

Ups and downs are few and far between, it is the ability to live happily in the middle that truly determines our quality of life.