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Thread: Told my wife and everything fell apart. I shouldn't have.

  1. #1
    New Member OnlyRed's Avatar
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    Thumbs down Told my wife and everything fell apart. I shouldn't have.

    Recently I told my wife that I crossdress. After 7.5 years of marriage.

    I have browsed through this forum before. And I know that it is very hard to take the relationship forward. I knew that it could end in a divorce.

    But on some level I just wanted this relationship to end. My thought was: "If she could accept my CDing then it is worth living but if she can't then let it end. It's a difficult one anyway."

    It was a pretty difficult marriage with so much arguments and problems. I was losing my identity and peace.

    If I had truly loved my wife and wanted to spend a life time with her, I could have hid this CDing fact. I am not THAT compelled to do it. There has been years where I did not think about CDing.

    Slowly I have learned to accept it and start enjoying it. I am not in denial anymore.

    After telling her this fact, she left within a few days. She has gone out of contact and is not ready to discuss logically what to do next. I am in the limbo right now. Can't even discuss about options for us.

    I want some level of projection for the future but the uncertainty is killing me.

    Now I feel that I shouldn't have told her that. I could have just had a personal life within myself and let this relationship move on. Or I could have brought in some other reason to end this relationship.

    I never consulted anyone before taking this leap and I think I should've.

    Life is cruel and unfair. I wish I was born plain straight. Or I wish I could have born a plain, simple, straight girl.

    Guess God decided throw a spark of feminine on me just before I was born - just for fun.

    Will I ever find a relationship again?

    Will I be lonely for the rest of my life?

    I am 32 now. I am going to live for at least 3-4 more decades.

    Questions that keep me awake at night:

    • Should I live alone and enjoy CDing?
    • Should I find another relationship that accepts my CDing?
    • Should I find another relationship and hide this fact?

  2. #2
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    OnlyRed,
    There is never a right time to do this and I'm so sorry it didn't work for you. I wonder if your wife had other issues with the marriage anyway and Cding was the excuse she needed. I hope children aren't involved , obviously that makes things slightly easier if they're not. I guess from what you say you felt the marriage wasn't working well, 32 isn't too old to start again but as you say how can you even think about that if your wife has completely cut herself off. No doubt more formal legal letters may start arriving, so that's when you have to think straight and decide where you want your life to go. CDing isn't a passing phase it may come and go but we are wired differently so you can never deny it doesn't exist you just have to find your level of comfort with it.

  3. #3
    Member Lisa Gerrie's Avatar
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    • Should I find another relationship and hide this fact?

    No.


    • Should I live alone and enjoy CDing?

    That's an option, at least in the short term, but it sounds like you don't want to be alone.


    • Should I find another relationship that accepts my CDing?

    In other words, "should I try to find somebody who loves me the way I am?" Imagine that.
    "Don't hate me just for wanting to feel beautiful."

  4. #4
    Silver Member Sarah Louise's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by OnlyRed View Post
    But on some level I just wanted this relationship to end. My thought was: "If she could accept my CDing then it is worth living but if she can't then let it end. It's a difficult one anyway."

    It was a pretty difficult marriage with so much arguments and problems. I was losing my identity and peace.

    If I had truly loved my wife and wanted to spend a life time with her, I could have hid this CDing fact.
    OnlyRed,

    I'm sorry to hear of your marriage difficulties. As you point out, this isn't due to CDing and like Teresa, I suspect it's the excuse your wife needed to end things. Many on here believe that marriages do not usually end because of CDing, but it can be the straw that breaks the camel's back where there are other problems in the marriage.

    As for the future, who knows? While you feel down now, you have the rest of your life ahead of you. You don''t have to decide now what the future holds. In time, you will feel better. Just enjoy the ride and who knows, you might find a special person who loves you for who you are. Many who CD have.

    I wish you well for the future.

    Sarah

  5. #5
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    I am going to have to be blunt here, your wife just left you and you are worrying about another relationship? Take care of what is before you now, it is a rough road ahead of you for a while. You have a long life to live, let it come to you.

  6. #6
    Rachel Rachelakld's Avatar
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    32 - young pup
    I found miss right was wife number 2 at the age of 44.
    I told her on about the 5th date (it was becoming serious on the 4th date, we just clicked), we ended the night naked with lots of clothes all over the floor from our private fashion show compliments of my wardrobe.

    Visualize every morning and every night, the future you WANT, then go and find those things that make that future (do not visualize who your with, most actresses and super models are taken, so think more about your life)
    See all my photos, read many stories of my outings and my early days at
    http://rachelsauckland.blogspot.co.nz

  7. #7
    Gold Member Alice Torn's Avatar
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    Sorry about this going badly. I am 61, alone all my life other than my toxic family of origin, which has fouled my entire life up. It is ok to not be in a relationship. I used to be totally desperate to find a woman. i did date a fair amount after age 27, but no sex. i have learned that it is not healthy to be desperate for a mate. Being single and alone , and learning to accept ourselves without a SO or wife, is good. We enter life alone, and go back to dust alone. It may be good to be alone and single, for a year or two, or more, maybe get counsel or therapy, if affordable. You don't know what she is going to do , yet, too. if she tries to take everything, you will need counsel, and an attorney. Hopefully you and her can work it out, and if you agree to split, hopefully not too messy.
    Last edited by Alice Torn; 04-10-2016 at 11:29 AM.

  8. #8
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    Enjoy the single life.
    By 30, most people are bogged down with kids or are already in unhappy marriages.

    Even if you find someone accepting, she will probably change her mind pretty soon anyways. I think there is even a sticky about that at the top of this sub-forum.
    It takes a true Erin to be a pain in the assatar.

  9. #9
    Silver Member Mollyanne's Avatar
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    I truly am sorry for you and feel your pain, not like you but I can relate. There are certain steps that you should take right now, not out of malice but out of protection. First and foremost see a lawyer, and make that lawyer a good one. It's not cheap but in the long run it will be one of your best investments. Second, see a therapist, you need to "see" things clearer.

    You are only 32 yrs old, fairly young with your entire life in front of you. Tomorrow brings a new day and with it comes new situations, opportunities and possible relationships. Just take one day at a time.

    In any event, you have "sisters" here to lend support when and if you need us.

    Molly
    "To thine own self be true"

  10. #10
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    OnlyRed,

    I'm sorry for the devastation in your marriage. I can only imagine how upending that could be.

    You need to establish your priorities and I think your #1 priority is protecting yourself. There are previous threads on here about divorce and what to do when you travel down that road. Mollyanne's advice to seek out a Lawyer and the best one you can afford it a good start. Protect your assets. Your wife has walked out, has she already cleaned out your bank accounts and started max'ing out the credit cards? No pleasant subjects but one's you need to face.

    Remember there are people here at the forum who have been in your position before. You can always ask for their counsel, or just a shoulder to cry on if you need that. Hugs are kind of impersonal through a computer screen.

    Sincerely,
    Linda W.

  11. #11
    Member Jocee's Avatar
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    This is hard to read, and I'm sorry for the pain that your feeling right now. As Linda and Mollyanne said just above, and if your spouse is truly incommunicado, then I suggest that you talk to legal counsel as soon as possible. If nothing else, you will have found someone you could use in the event things escalate. Be frank and honest about what is going on in your personal life, as it will probably come out later. Thankfully you're young......

    Many of us has have cathartic events associated with years of shame and denial. Mine happened in my mid-30, when my wife discovered my clothing cache. We got through it, but she considered divorcing me. It was an exhausting time of my life. I'm not sure where you live, but you may also want to seek out some counseling for yourself. I did and it was the best thing I did for myself. Ever.....

    I hope you peace of mind.....

    Joanna

  12. #12
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    Nicole,
    That's a harsh summary of married life, I wouldn't wish to change that part of my life , being married and having kids does come with some fun as well.

    I will admit CDing hasn't made life easier, but that's a more recent thing for me, the input I put into my family then is paying me back now, my kids are standing by me and I still have contact with three lovely grandchildren . The situation with my wife is what's making life more difficult now, when I was expecting it to get easier.

  13. #13
    Member Jessicajane's Avatar
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    We all feel for your situation and for the fears that you have about the future, but from how I see this you actually did the right thing...

    I would never encourage someone to throw a relationship away, but a relationship without honesty and hiding parts of your life, is a relationship that is heading into very troubled waters....

    There are I am sure plenty of people who might take offence at my view and I know not everyone tells their partner but for me if dressing is a part of who you are, then to not disclose is not being true to the marriage and is building a future with a spouse on shaky ground.

    This is of course just my view on life and we all see things a little different, my marriage has found a way of coping with Jessica, but only just and I would not like to bet my soul on their never being issues in the future, but at least when I look my wife in the eyes she knows who I am as a whole.

    From observing marriages from people in the trans community where I live, cross dressing rarely kills a marriage on it own but if a marriage is already in trouble, then sure it can be the knock out punch...some wives come to accept and deal with it , some shut it out and pretend it does not exist and other set parameters in which to operate.

    Waiting is always hardest because you don't know for certain the outcome, but hold tight and whatever happens , happens you were honest and never be ashamed of telling the truth , especially in a marriage where the truth is a must in my books.

    As for your fears on relationships etc etc, you are no different from many who fear being without, but I see trans friends find new relationships on a regular basis, some with women some with men, the world is a big place and whilst we may be a little different, we are certainly very much an option to be loved for who we are by many out there.

    All the best I will be thinking of you over the coming days

    Jess xx

  14. #14
    New Member OnlyRed's Avatar
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    What could she possibly want?

    Money, I can give what I can.
    Divorce, yes, I can give that too.

    We do not have a own house. We have rented one so far. I never gave her access to my bank or cards.

    Just wondering what else could go wrong. What else do I need to watch out for?

    Are the problems in separation because of CD'ing issues same as normal divorces?

    And is there a chance that she will come back? I don't think so. But sometimes I do dream that she will be back - and accept me for who I am.

    She feels that I should have told her earlier - before marriage. I was in denial back then and I did not accept that I am different and I always thought CD'ing behaviour will go away. Now she feels cheated and feels that the past several years has been just a lie. And even positive memories have turned into negative ones, for her.

  15. #15
    Member Jessicajane's Avatar
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    Feeling a betrayal that you did not tell earlier is such a common aspect that a partner who has just found out feels, all of a sudden she does not know you, she feels cheated and maybe embarrassed...(these are things that my wife felt)....you have to explain to her that you did not know or understand yourself, thought it would go away etc etc and give her time....


    she may cool down and find a way to cope, she may not, but you have to wait it out if you want a chance for the marriage to go on.

    As for is the divorce different in any way because you cross dress....no...you might feel awkward especially if she tells people, but that would be rare and a damning reflection on her if she did...the lawyers and courts have heard it many time before....sorry hun your not that different xx

  16. #16
    New Member OnlyRed's Avatar
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    Thanks a lot for the supportive words. At least I got to hear from one sister that I did the right thing.

    I couldn't imagine living for another 20-30 years hiding this fact. It's not just about the physical act of CD'ing but also me as a whole is a false identity to her if she doesn't get to know me as who I really am.

    And also yes, there were other issues in the marriage.

    But, yes, sometimes I also feel that life should have gone on with me CD'ing in secret.

    Because sometimes I feel that every marriage, every man and every woman, does hide something.

    For example, if you look at a super model in a magazine and you fantasise having sex with her and jerk off, and that is not something a man would tell his wife. Aren't all marriages built on some level of secrets?
    Last edited by Lorileah; 04-10-2016 at 02:16 PM. Reason: no need to quote post above yours

  17. #17
    Aussie girl enjoying life Michelle (Oz)'s Avatar
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    The fear of loneliness is a very powerful motivation to want to keep what we have no matter how wrong the relationship is. And while many of us have been where you are and can look back dispassionately at the events of the time the heart takes some time to catch up with the head which recognises the problems in a relationship. Try to act rationally and not make promises such as money, stopping CDing that you'll regret later.

    As for future happiness, no guarantees but if your current relationship is toxic then would you be worse off? At 32 I was less than half way through my first marriage with two more to come. Thankfully at 58 I met my forever wife - who happens to abhor my dressing but we've worked out an arrangement that suits us both :batting eyelashes:

    I have no regrets telling my wife after 3 years of marriage but it led to a very difficult 8 months.
    Last edited by Michelle (Oz); 04-10-2016 at 08:34 AM.

  18. #18
    Member Jessicajane's Avatar
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    Absolutely there are some small secrets in a marriage, but again I can only speak from my experience , having gender identity feelings are not just small incidental issues you can gloss over, gender is a fundamental part of who we are and how society treats us all, hence the fact that partners sometimes find it so difficult to cope with.

    The very first words in a persons life are usually the doctor saying , its a boy or its a girl....having sexy thoughts about a supermodel is very different from wishing you were female or at least wanting to spend time as one.

    It does not make is bad people, in fact I would suspect the exact opposite in many cases, but you cant under estimate that what we are is different and will put some people outside there comfort Zone, and for me is certainly something within a marriage that ought to be known...(I am cringing as I write that because I believe it but I know there are many that don't)

  19. #19
    Member Juliana817's Avatar
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    Only Red,
    I'm so sorry you're in a difficult place right now.
    Accepting who you are needs to come first and everything else will fall into place.
    Most of us struggle and doubt our dressing and purge and then go back...it's a cycle until we accept ourselves we cannot have another accept us as we truly are.
    Focus on healing now and become happy with yourself.

  20. #20
    Multi-Blogger Barbara Black's Avatar
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    While you certainly have regrets about telling her, and the consequences resulting, it is just as likely you would have regrets as you hide it from everyone for the next 30-40 years. Which set of regrets is worse? No one can say as we are all individuals, and have different circumstances to deal with in our personal lives. So now that you've made one decision, a painful one, remember that you have 30-40 years ahead of you, and seek to enjoy it, for your satisfaction more than anyone else's.

  21. #21
    Gold Member bridget thronton's Avatar
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    I do agree that hiding things from a spouse is in general not good. It is my observation (both in my life and what I have read posted here) that people who love you often accept you after the reveal (they may not like it and may not want to see you dressed) but they usually remain in your life. So I think your reveal was not the cause of the break up.

  22. #22
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    Quote Originally Posted by OnlyRed View Post
    ...

    But on some level I just wanted this relationship to end. My thought was: "If she could accept my CDing then it is worth living but if she can't then let it end. It's a difficult one anyway."

    It was a pretty difficult marriage with so much arguments and problems. I was losing my identity and peace.

    If I had truly loved my wife ....
    Questions that keep me awake at night:

    • Should I live alone and enjoy CDing?
    • Should I find another relationship that accepts my CDing?
    • Should I find another relationship and hide this fact?
    Well Red, you got what you wanted. Now you can move on. And of course you will find another relationship and this time, open up much sooner so you do not have to hide. Plenty of women can accept a cross dressing partner. That is a minor part of any relationship. Whatever made your current relationship bad, work on those things in your next one.

  23. #23
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    OnlyRed - No one here knows you or your wife. All opinions are simply opinions. You made a decision and should not second-guess yourself. Take care of yourself, take care of business. And move on.There is life after divorce and you will find happiness if that is what you seek.

    First, accept the fact that your marriage is over and get over the guilt and self-blame. Seems like you had a marginal relationship and it would have failed regardless of your crossdressing. See a therapist, get a good lawyer, maintain your friendships, work out, don't let your career suffer, maintain your faith and beliefs.

    Don't be embarrassed to let family and friends know you are getting a divorce. You need support. People will understand and help. Divorce is unfortunately commonplace, usually not the fault of one person, and typically not due to one cause.

    Grow. We all suffer pain and misfortune. Learn from your divorce challenges. Seek greater self-awareness. It will help you in future relationships.

    Take time to heal before you begin new relationships. Rebound relationships are usually unsuccessful and unfair to new partners. You need time to heal first and reestablish your life.

    Be optimistic. Your divorce will be painful - but it will be over. You will have the rest of your life ahead of you.

    By the way, there is no right or wrong answer regarding sharing crossdressing behavior with partners. Every situation is different. Many decide not to because they know how non-accepting, abrasive or fragile their spouses are. Some crossdressing behaviors are extremely minimal and very infrequent. Some know they have many other relationship problems and introducing crossdressing will only make problem resolution or subsequent divorce more difficult. Often we enter into relationships when we are young and unaware that our crossdressing behavior will continue after marriage, so we hide it like other past behaviors we think are behind us. Years later, crossdressers struggle with guilt for their silence - and if and when they tell their wives or if discovered, there is anger and a sense of betrayal which will often linger. You made your choice to tell your wife - do not second guess yourself.

  24. #24
    Member Patrica Gil's Avatar
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    Sorry this all happened to you. Let me say after thirty years plus my wife left me in the end for different reasons. She was a DADT person and left for other reasons. Sure it hurt but I've been hurt before. Vowed then to be honest with anyone who was interested in a relationship with me. A lot of women left skid marks, a few are still friends and one actually had no problem with it.One of the friends regrets not getting more involved with me. The one that stayed who was not scared off is amazing. We are still together and last Christmas got me some really cute dresses. She wears the pants in the relationship. When my ex left I thought I was to old to ever meet anyone and fall in love. Still it happened and I'm still here. Women who know me as me all tell me the same thing. I am living the life of a women. So pull your big girl panties up and be hopeful you still have a lot of good life in front of you. Still being in your thirties, with a little practice you could probably look really great and go out as a girl. The fun part will be meeting someone who wants to go shoe shopping with you because your such a fun girl. later g

  25. #25
    AKA Lexi sometimes_miss's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by OnlyRed View Post
    If I had truly loved my wife and wanted to spend a life time with her, I could have hid this CDing fact. I am not THAT compelled to do it. There has been years where I did not think about CDing.
    That's what I thought. Didn't turn out that way; I hadn't crossdressed for over a decade, but the desire was simply suppressed temporarily; under stress, it returned. Besides, unless you're very, very careful, it's very easy to slip up, and then you're 'out'.
    Life is cruel and unfair. I wish I was born plain straight. Or I wish I could have born a plain, simple, straight girl.
    I've wished for either of those options for half a century. Guess I didn't throw enough money into the wishing well.
    List:
    Should I live alone and enjoy CDing?
    If you think you can get by like that. I fill my need for affection by visiting friendly lap dancers. They know I'm not looking for a sexual charge, just comforting, someone to hold close. It's very expensive. But it keeps me from going crazy. I haven't given up on finding a CD accepting woman, and I haven't given up on winning the lottery, either, but I know both have about the same odds of occurring.
    Should I find another relationship that accepts my CDing?
    That's the million dollar question. Women who accept crossdressers are quite hard to find. Some tolerate it. But the percentage who are enthusiastic about it number in the low fractions of 1%. If you're ok with males, you'll probably find an active sex life, but relationship, probably not.
    Should I find another relationship and hide this fact?
    You'll be right back where you started.
    Some causes of crossdressing you've probably never even considered: My TG biography at:http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...=1#post1490560
    There's an addendum at post # 82 on that thread, too. It's about a ten minute read.
    Why don't we understand our desire to dress, behave and feel like a girl? Because from childhood, boys are told that the worst possible thing we can be, is a sissy. This feeling is so ingrained into our psyche, that we will suppress any thoughts that connect us to being or wanting to be feminine, even to the point of creating separate personalities to assign those female feelings into.

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