>>>>Just wondering what else could go wrong. What else do I need to watch out for? <<<<<<<
Will she be telling everyone you and she both know? Your family? Your employer? Church goers? If she might, are you prepared for the reactions and consequences?
OnlyRed, Im sorry for the hardships your facing, I know what your going through, I really do, destruction brings about creation, I think you know that. I had someone tell me very recently the fact I was reaching out indicated I was a strong person. Those words meant more than they may know.
I would suggest you contact an attorney if nothing else for your own peace of mind, find out your options, protect yourself. My last relationship lasted 6.5 with 2 kids being the only thing good to come from it. No life isnt fair it never will be, make the best of it, your young, things Will Get Better. Just from what you say it wasnt easy, mine wasnt either. I tried, I really did, I tried to be what society thinks a Man should be, it doesnt work for me, I was also told recently, just because society puts expectations on us Doesnt Mean We are Made WRONG. I know who and what I am, Im still learning. OnlyRed be true to yourself, Im happier than ever, Happiness comes from within, others will see that and the rest will follow. Know your among friends even though we havent met, We are and will be here for you.
Mykaa is me! Discovering Peace throughout from the Girl within.
David Bowie "Don't stay in a sad place Where they don't care how you are..."
Disturbed The Light "The truth is waiting there for you to find it
It's not a blight, but a remedy"
Sorry to hear about this. There are more relationships that just aren't right than really great ones. It sounds like your wife won't be coming back unless she discovers the truth about crossdressing from (a source like this website) or another GG that is accepting.
How to find a woman that accepts crossdressing in the future:
I'm convinced that the best way to do this is to go out en femme to places where you can meet women. If you're crossdressed when they meet you, there won't be that guessing game "when do I tell her?". Those that hate the idea of CDing will show their cards right away. Those that like it will be approachable, date-able etc.
"You're the only one to see the changes you take yourself through", Stevie Wonder
The cat is out of the bag about your CDing but if she tells others so what? Can she actually prove it to them?
If your friends ask you can say yes if you want and admit it or you can say she is crazy and blow it off as nothing.
Why would you want her back if she walked out on you?
I never understood the mindset of couples that break up over issues somehow think getting back together again things will be different.
I would seek a divorce attorney ASAP.
You don't own property together or bank accounts so thats in your favor.
Good luck and I hope things work out for you.
I have friends that think they have to be in a relationship. They break up with one and move right into another and never seem happy.
Take some time off for yourself to explore this side of you.
Last edited by Tracii G; 04-10-2016 at 12:10 PM.
Red, I went though that and it was the relationship, even you said that. You are in your thirties. There are a lot of opportunities open to you right now. During that time of my life I had many relationships and the single time was a great time in my life. `I married again and she was accepting but was not a person to trust. That marriage fell apart. I my latter years of relationships I finally found one that loves me for who I am. She is the one I trust and we share time together as two gals. But she does want me in my male form also and I have to do that, but it works well and we do a lot of stuff together. My advice is to enjoy life now as how you want to live. Many have found their mate when they were out and about as a cross-dresser.
Part Time Girl
Ya Know, It`s not the people you fire that make your life miserable.... It`s the ones you don`t!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sounds to me like she needed to be fired anyway....
Tonya RoseThis is me! (song by camp rock)
This is one option I hope you never consider.Originally Posted by OnlyRed
In my opinion before you get into a relationship again you need to figure out who you are. Figure out where you are on the gender spectrum. Are you a crosdresser, transgender or transsexual? Many started out on this board as a crossdresser, only to figure out they were either transgendered or transsexual.
If you are a crossdresser, how often do you need to dress? Is it once a week, month or year?
This may or may not involve getting into therapy.
When you figure yourself out then you can start to think about a relationship.
I wish you the best of luck.
Grace, You make a good point, if Onlyred's relationship didn't have other problems I would the say the same thing as you suggested,you have to know yourself ,what drives your Cding and where you are on the spectrum. You must be honest with yourself even if it takes counselling to do that .
OnlyRed,
I keep picking up that you still appear to feel guilty and ashamed of your CDing, you must accept that you're probably born like it and wired differently, whatever people say or think isn't going to change what's inside your head, if you can openly accept yourself moving on is going to be much easier. Cding or not the confidence will get you through , don't keep thinking it's wrong how you feel .
I dont have a lot of experience here since I've never told anyone but my therapist about my "hobby," but I certainly have a lot of empathy for you. But I'm also very happy for you too: happy for your courage, for your willingness to open up, and for your conviction. Divorces (that I *do* have experience with) and break ups are hard, no matter the circumstances. But like everyone, including you, has said, crossdressing isn't the reason for your splitting up. So why blame it/hide it from here forward? Good luck, sis
hi onlyred, not sure how you handled the reveal and that she is permanently out of the picture yet, but i does not look to positive.
when all the dust clears and facts begin to show themselves you will need to deal with how things unfold....things will get uncomfortable for you i imagine.
you dont seem at peace with who you are and you will find that it will not be easy but it is possible, once you accept yourself you can begin to start over,
many hear think of the "what if" and would cherish a restart or do-over like my son says,
one thing i think that would help will be to start attending a LGBT support group,
i attend a trans p-flag group..... friends, family, and all folks from the transgender spectrum, by going you may find acceptance of yourself and it may even help you meet an interesting person to share your life with.....weirder things have happened.
sorry to see a sister in distress but you will find support here albeit virtual, i hope things work out favorable for you without much turmoil and disruption of the other parts of your life.
....Mykell
i dressed like a girl and i liked it!
Maybe give your wife some time to figure things out in her own head. I know I did. I also know I said some pretty horribile things after I found out because I hadn't time to get my head around it and I was in shock. I felt and still do sometimes that everything has been tainted because of the lies. I have learned a lot in the last two years. Give her some time.
Hi Red, Like others above have said You need to retain a lawyer ASAP and good Luck .-...
...
Having my ears triple pierced is AWESOME, ~~...
I can explain it to you, But I can't comprehend it for you !
If at first you don't succeed, Then Skydiving isn't for you.
Be careful what you wish for, Once you ring a bell , you just can't Un-Ring it !! !!
Wow Red, you're certainly at a crossroads. From what you say your relationship was very heavily compromised, regardless of the crossdressing. At your age it looks from an outsider's point of view that you're better off starting afresh.
By all means live alone for a time and enjoy CDing. Why not?
Since you seem prepared to keep the CDing private, you have options in a new r/ship, but my advice would be to be open about it from the start, as insurance- there may come a time when the CDing becomes much more compelling and you don't want to repeat your recent scenario.
Very best wishes and welcome to the forum-
Nikki
I used to have a short attention spa
Thanks for the kind words. Feeling hopeful today. And after a while, being single seems to be good. After the initial shock is gone, life is smoothening out. I feel stronger to face whatever comes at me.
Last edited by Lorileah; 04-11-2016 at 01:40 PM. Reason: no need to quote post above yours
OnlyRed,
I hope you can hold on to that feeling, and if things start to go downhill draw strength knowing it will get better.
I will admit it is a strange feeling one moment your mindset is marriage and trying to retain that and the next it may not be so bad to move on and maybe try again. I know when I came close to a separation getting my head round what plans I would need to make to form a new life were exciting and freeing, it did feel like a release.
The reality was I had too much responsibility to walk away from, the thought began to hurt too much, but I knew not going through with it would mean living a compromised lifestyle. The trade off was my family gave me Sunday as my day and also I have managed to get out and attend a social group once a month, I'm afraid they haven't been 100% cooperative in giving me the time I asked for ! Like I said it's a compromise I had to settle for .
Yes that is a tough one and not massively dissimilar to my story, my wife of many years found out my little secret, she didn't like it and it did spoil our relationship a little it has to be said, although that wasn't the reason we split up in the end, but I am convinced it contributed
I learnt to accept me the way I am, I tried all the usual stuff as I was growing up, the purging, the denial etc etc etc etc, but I am what I am, just wired different
Now I am in a new relationship, but before we embarked upon it for real and living together, I took the plunge and bared all before we went any further, it was a shock, but it was not the end of the world and there is acceptance on my partners behalf, she doesn't fully understand but she is supportive of me and she accepts that me includes crossdressing, so my female things are in drawers and cupboards and not hidden away, they go in the wash with the rest of the things and get treated just the same as any other items and if I want I can ask and I can share my partners things too, which is very nice as you might imagine
I feel good being able to wear my female clothes any time I want and the feeling of not having to hide that side of me is incredibly liberating
It all worked out good in the end, but it was not an easy ride and time is a good thing, gives you chance to see what is in front of you
Welcome to the forum, Red. And thanks for clarifying the financial situation. Given that there is no real estate, no shared accounts, and as far as I can tell no kids, I wouldn't run right out and hire an attorney. I've done a DIY divorce under similar circumstances. When there are no, or relatively few, shared assets and no children there really isn't much she can gain by going after you. Give her some time to cool off. Even if she still wants a divorce, she may be open to the idea of not throwing thousands of dollars away on attorneys--especially when it's such a simple divorce.
In any event, sorry for the loss of the marriage. You're young and have lots of life in front of you. Take it slow, enjoy the freedom for a while. Be wary of a rebound relationship. And obviously try to learn from the experience, and if you ever are close to marrying again, remember this time and tell her. Best wishes.
Hi there red. We all have the right to be who we are. Our Spouses too, do have the right to know who we really are, as does anyone have the right to know who they are married to or marrying. We often do not tell right away, denial or fear. It is wrong to do that, and our spouses do have every right to leave, although thankfully many don't.
From the sounds of your marriage, already in real trouble, CDing or not, it sounded like it was headed for an ending. 1/2 if not more marriages end in divorce, and since CDers make up only a couple percent of the population, most marriages that end are not ending because of CDing. Even with CDing, that is not the only reason, but may be A REASON. My 1st marriage ended in divorce, but at the time, CDing was not a part of my life, so that is not what ended it. I am currently re married and my current wife is aware of my CDing. And I did not tell her right away. It has not always been a smooth road, but I do not push her to be a part of my CDing. So, when we are together, it is mostly just as husband and wife, and we have a pretty solid foundation. It did need a bit or re building after my reveal though, it was touch and go for about 6 months.
Chickens should be allowed to cross the road without having their motives questioned
It is interesting that you told her during a low point in your marriage (it seems). I have noticed that I want to bring up crossdressing on the downswing. It is almost like laying all of your cards on the table. I think it is a fatal error many of us may make. When we are not in sync I think I need to know that as a whole I am lovable. I have vowed to have the talk during the best of times (still waiting for that) but wonder if I will want to risk changing that wonderful period in a marriage. Deep down I know my only chance for acceptance depends on a solid footing.
I feel the pain with you, as I'm sure many others here do too.
I don't think you were wrong to tell her. It was a risk. Not telling her would also have been a risk. She could still have found out somehow, and that would probably have been worse than having you tell her.
I think it's time for professional counseling, to help you decide what you want, and what you are capable of. It's hard to make those crucial decisions entirely on your own, inside your head.
This is an option that works for a lot of people here. Advantage: it's honest, and you have less to fear than if you're keeping secrets from someone you love and who thinks you're sharing your whole life with her. Disadvantage: your sex life is solitary, and sometimes the nights get lonely. And the days, for that matter.
Possible, but difficult. You have to find compatibility on all the levels that make you right for someone, and that make her right for you. And then she also needs to be one of those unusual women who are open to her husband's crossdressing. This could involve a lot of searching, with no guarantee of success. Maybe you could try a few years of dating, in which if you and she start getting serious, you find a way when the relationship is good, rather than when it is already getting shaky, to reveal your whole self. Maybe you'll eventually want to give up on the dating, or maybe you'll want to continue to keep the door open to finding a woman who will be okay with your dressing.
For the other two questions, the best I can say is that you have to make your own decision as to what is right for you. But for this one--pardon my arrogance if that's what it is--I think I have the right answer for you. Don't do it. Just don't. This is the one thing you have learned for sure.
So the bottom line, I say, is for you to find a therapist with experience in gender issues. Have him or her help you understand who you are so that you can clarify what is right for the unique person that is you.
Lots of us here are on your side, whatever you decide.
Hi OnlyRed,
I'm really sorry for what you are going through.
Could I suggest a fourth option? Why don't you take some time, maybe talk to a gender therapist, and figure out, as best you can, how deep your gender issues go. Maybe you are just a CD, and that's all you'll ever be. Maybe you need to transition, and are having trouble facing that. Who knows? I'd be willing to bet you don't!
My suggestion is that you are probably best figuring out the truest, most authentic version of yourself, and then living it. Whatever that is. And then living it, being open about it. You'll find someone when you are ready for it. You may have to look to people you'd have overlooked before. I think trying to live a lie is a terrible choice. You have a long life ahead of you. There is no reason to live that way. There is also no reason for you to live alone. I can't promise you'll find love, but I can tell you that the more real and open you are, the more likely you are to find it.
By the way, I would advise you, when you do try for a relationship, to set your sights higher than "acceptance." My fiancé doesn't accept me - he loves me. He loves who and what I am. And I love him in the same way. He's not a crossdresser, although he is transgender. (He's a trans man.) You don't want someone who just "accepts" a big part of who you are - they don't like it, maybe they wish it would go away. Why would you want to be with anyone who looks down on you so - as if who you are is inferior somehow to who they are. Trust me, you aren't inferior. None of us are.
OnlyRed,
I think for everyone it's a case of YMMV (your mileage may vary). Everyone is different on here, and everyone's relationship is different. By telling your wife you may have gotten what you were looking for anyhow -- a way out. Now you're out of it, get through what comes next and then enjoy yourself. Being single gives you a lot more freedom to be what you want to be, and do what you want to do. And with the wife gone you have a lot more closet space that you'll find you might need!
Only you can answer the question of what comes next. It does not have to be another relationship -- as you've seen how that can turn out when the other person cannot handle your truth.
Karen
I'm glad that you're coming to this conclusion. In your first post I got the impression that you truly did not love your wife and so wanting to keep a relationship together for convenience or fear of being alone would only have prolonged the misery.
As to your question about whether you'll be lonely for the rest of your life, no one can answer this. If you're a likable person and you have lots of stuff going for you, then I don't see why you shouldn't be able to meet someone. There are women who can and do accept the CDing (I am one of them
I most definitely do NOT recommend hiding this from a prospective partner. Give yourself some time to get over this relationship (you don't want to get into a rebound relationship), and when enough time has passed, start meeting women. Don't tell people on the first date. If you fall in love and she feels the same way, then you can tell her.
I had known my SO for 3 years before we began dating and he told me, and by the time he did my feelings for him were strong enough to want to know and accept every facet of his personality. Had he told me when we first met, we would have been friends but I would not have developed feelings for him simply because I had all the misconceptions about the CDing that most people have, who have not been exposed to the CDing. But I have to say that when we began to date, if my SO had told me that he was TS our relationship would not have gone further despite the strong feelings I already had. I'm hetero and I was not interested in further developing a relationship with another woman.
So good luck, I'm sure everything will turn out fine.
Yes, we all have little secrets. But not BIG ones. Marriage needs to be built on honesty and trust for the big stuff.
Last edited by ReineD; 04-12-2016 at 04:12 AM.
Reine
Sorry to hear of the situation you described, OnlyRed.
From your post, it sounds like your relationship was heading downhill and that somewhere along the way you had fallen out of love.
I believe, as do others, that by telling her about your CD'ing, it was the excuse she needed to make her break away, and a good excuse for making you the reason for it.
From what I read it sounds like you are better off without her. Let things run their course, and work through the issues which you will face.
However, rejoice in the fact that you are still young, and should you choose to enter into another relationship in the future, learn from this experience, and pick a partner who will love you, for you as a person who has a unique CD side to him.
There are plenty of people for you to meet.
For me, I would always choose being with someone, as opposed to going through life 'solo'. But that is my own opinion. You need to decide which course of action is best for you.
I wish you you well.
Di
OnlyRed - I believe in most marriages, there are secrets that are not shared. Some are feelings or worries that are not shared simply because we don't want our spouses to worry. Some past experiences, relationships, family history, embarrassing events, innocent attractions or work issues and worries might remain hidden. But marriages are built on trust, not on a level of secrecy. Transparency, honesty and communications are essential for strong, loving relationships.
Take time to heal before you seek another relationship. It is probably not healthy or meaningful to look for someone else until you take care of immediate issues. Look for friendships. Stay busy. Get strong. Grow. Don't worry about being alone. Learn from aloneness. Take care of you.
Posting Permissions
